Tired

I am soooo tired today. It has been a very busy day... just booked with patients. It didnt help that i slept late last night. was yawning in front of the kids... they laughed. they thought i was being silly.

and because i was tired, and my shoulders ache.. i was a bit testy... i didn't even have a nap during lunch because i was doing work, watching tv and having lunch.

ideally, i would like to go to visit Tutong once a week, admin day once a week and 3 times a week in KB. however, this is just wishful. i dont think it would work. but i shall bring this to the staff meeting and with the admin... i wonder if they would agree...

I have asked for an assistant but then... its difficult to be given one since an assistant was not included in our current scheme of service. I understand that but i so want one. just to make my life easier... and to reduce waiting time. I mean i can train them simple things... and then... they can carry out therapy sessions.

but since these wont be realised in a few more years ( I have lost faith in the system- just follow it... no use thinking and suggesting when it all falls on deaf ears. you are just riding on false hope and then crash with a loud BANG! not worth it. No one cares anyways... Out of sight, out of mind... Someone else's trouble are more 'horrendous' than mine... bla bla bla) I just have to continue doing what i do... let there be long waiting list. Let there be short and incomplete therapy goals. Just treat partially and not completely! etc.

Anyways... what kind of work do you expect from someone whom is paid on the diploma scale to do? a degree's job... and more???

Vision and Mission

If i remember my religious classes... the prophet once said that we must have an ambition in life - a goal, a mission and vision that leads you to your path... I decipher it to having a goal and finding ways to make that goal a reality... be the best you can...

In school, teachers train you to have ambitions... What do you want to be when you grow up? What do you want to be now? What do you plan for next year? and once my A level chemistry teacher said, do you see yourself achieving your goals in 5 years? and if not, why not?

I once thought that, once i have graduated and realised my dream to be what i aimed to be... i have done it... but being in the working force changes everything. When i started working, having to adapt to the 'different' culture and working environment was 'challenging'. Even more so, the language used with people... i used to use STANDARD Malay with my patients saying "Hari ini saya akan menjalankan beberapa ujian bahasa keatas awda. Adakah awda bersedia?" YES... don't laugh.. i did that! I know better now... (poor those people... i bet they had a laugh :P )

Now... everywhere you see in brunei, may it be big or small, private or government owned.. everyone has been infected with the creating their "Vision and Mission" statements. These vision and mission, to some are somewhat FAKE... and unrealistic. Like... To be the centre of excellence in the region. <-- like "HELLO!" can you? some agencies can't even get proper maintenance of existing equipment let alone BUY newest gadgets to even be acknowledge by the world's body to be acceptable! what a laugh!

Though, making up acceptable, achievable and not fairy-tale vision and mission is something else. that, i can live with and probably will work towards.

My personal mission is to stay out of office politics, being truthful and honest in the workplace either with collegues or the public, and working hard and improving working attitude. Not to mention, learning on the job to be someone better.... i dont mind changing jobs in the future... if given the chance...

Good day...

Today is my day to visit Tutong. I had a full day with the exception of one calcellation - the child has exams. But, it turned out to be 'busy' as the patients turned up earlier. Spent a little more time with them... Why not huh...

For the first time in a long time, i had lunch with someone from work, an occupational therapist - in the hospital's canteen. it was plesant. We caught up with things.. also exchanged referrals of patients (the 'highlight' of the day :P) She informed me that there may be a course that i might be interested in... and its held in IPA soon... and i have been thinking about it.... lets see...

Anyways... today, i had fun things planned with my patients. Its fun and easy, however, i knew they won;t be able to grasp it, apa tah lagi play it independently.... THEY SUPRISED ME! they played well... and this is a group of 4 with learning disability!!! I had to think quickly for another game. Thank god i always pack something extra that can be used in case of emergency! THAT was fun and i had to praise them all... I also encouraged parents to continue with good work :)

Later, i had phonology group... and they managed to get 100% production of the phoneme in all positions... and i have only given the work last week. They moved too fast... Luckily for me, I kept the clinic equipped with phonology therapy material :) and they were blessed with harder sounds :P hahahahaha :P the kids were excited. I told them they are doing 'big' boys work ;) hahahahaha...

Lastly, I had my all girls language group. It was supposed to be a group of 5, but only 3 turned up. I had 2 of them for at least 5 years and the other one for 3 years. They have multiple problems but essentially all have self-esteem problems, poor processing of info, inability to express themself. But today, all the girls spoke up... and they were fighting for speech time to tell their news or answer questions. They were so good that o gave them 2 gifts each!!

At the end of each session, i informed parents that their children had done extremely well.. and what ever they are doing and feeding them... DON'T STOP!

Hair

I am sure everyone has obsessed over their hair at some point in their life. I remembered when i was a growing child (9), i was asked to cut my shoulder length hair short. I didn;t mind... but i was in for a shock as to was constitute SHORT!! the hairdresses did my hair in a pony tail and started cutting it from before where the rubberband met.... it was THAT SHORT! i think i cried and screamed inside.... i also took the pony tail home... sadden by the fact...

It didn't stop there.... I was looking back, flipping through pictures when i saw a picture of little me with afro hair... and suddenly i remembered. I was brought to the saloon (4) and sat on this wodden plank of the chair and was doozzzzing of in the seat waiting for the curls to materialise... apparently, i had 'the' hair then... :)

Now that i wear a headscarf (almost everyday), i went to a hairdresses and said, i wanted a nice layered cut, colour and perhaps some highlights. The conversation goes like this:

hairdresser: mau apa?
Me: gunting. layer ah. also, saya mau colour... also a bit of highlight sini (pointing to my top layered hair)
hairdresser: kenapa
Me: kenapa? lawa jua tu.
Hairdresser: Kau pakai tudong

Like... since when do girls yang pakai tudong inda boleh .. opppsss... Like.. since when do girls with headscarfs are not allowed to have hair fashion sense... and since when do hairdresser stop them from getting what they want....

Sure sure sure... no one gets to see and go... "wow! you look gorgeous!" but hey... i dont do this for people.. i do this for myself. What makes me feel good, makes me feel happy... and so.... get to it already!!

Just last night, i was twrling my hair... and was contempleting..... have curls or not... wont that be a fun trip to the saloon again!

Meetings

Many of us make fun of the country's philisophy's abbreviation : MIB = Meeting inda beranti (Never ending meetings), Meeting inda berhasil and more...

A lot of the time, people have meetings with the best of intentions. However, during the meeting, when you are not firm and stick to your agenda, the meeting often run amock discussing nothing but petty things!

I was once in a meeting with the big people, and i thought it would be good... I came with the "i can learn something from this" attitude but i was gravely disappointed. They were petty and we didn't even get past agenda 3!!! They can't even get past the issue of a "TYPO" mistake!!! Dont tell me they type 135 words per minutes without mistakes! Give me a break!!!

Other times, meetings are held for many reasons. They are often made to discuss an issue or several issues at a time, and offer some sort of compromise, information sharing or a heated discussion.

However, when ONE person is involved in MANY MANY (multiple) meetings and has to do MANY MANY things, often unable to carry out their own 'jobs' as a results is a counter-productive act! WHY do people multi-task? Shouldn't we be able to say 'NO' - but i suppose working in the government sector, there is no such things as "NO"!

I don't mind attending meeting - but only if it was handled well, expectations and tasks are met and people discuss and share information professionally. This is not wishful thinking... but something that can be carried out and SHOULD be carried out. I do not believe in having LONG discussions without any outcome, but a short meeting where people actually LISTEN, UNDERSTAND and SHARE and eventually come to a mutual conclusion.

What is stopping us, other than bad habits, poor attitude and unprofessionalism???

"Friends"

You socialise with a bunch of people for a while, exchange pleasantries, spend time together... does not mean you are 'friends'...

I spent 54 days with about 300 plus people from 11 countries, sleep in the same room with 2 people and shared families with 8 others. I also worked closely with 20 other, discussing and developing new things. Even though i know I have only made aquantainces... despite being in close proximity... i thought i atleast have made friends with a fistful...

Recently, i emailed LOADS of people because i needed a favour. I wanted people to shop for me, an item that could not be purchased here... but easily and readily available there... Plus, i was forking out money... and more over... its meant for my patients....

It should not come as a suprise when no one replies... but no one did... and i was suprised....

I mean... its not meant for me... they are helping save a life by doing some shopping for me!!! is it that difficult???

Friends.... do you really need them??? They seem to disappear when you need them...

Official clinic chop

Today I was woken up first thing in the morning by a friend. He bought he paper and saw my face. I was wondering what it was all about... as it turn out... it was my pictures while i was in China last August. Felt like several life time ago.. but it has not even been a year!!!

Today was a good day. I woke up with a smile, had breakfast and things in the clinic just went smoothly. I was iritated with something, but generally... things were very good.

After being here for 9 months, i finally have my official chops. They graciously made 2 sets... one for Kb and the other for tutong. It was even paid for. I picked it up personally. the thing i like about being here is you can go out for 20 minutes and get things done, drive back to t he hospital and get a parking space :) how nice is that!

I can really get used to this life!

I dont get it!!!!

Why am i having difficulties to log into my dashboard??? What have i done to be punished??? This is so miserable!

I went to the health clinic in KB to get my montoux text checked.... as it turned out. i am OKAY... And you only measure the radius as opposed to the diameter!

and... i have used my new secretarial skills... i have just emailed my CEO regarding the new agenda... we will see what he says!

When was the last time you looks at the sky and see clouds and could make up what he coulds are? I miss my care free childhood!

Difficulties logging in

SIGH! how hard does a girl need to log in to her dashboard!? I have been trying for a few days.. and finally, i managed to get through, and that if through trial and error! sigh... thank god i pay attention to the addresses!

Anyways... Blogspot keeps on changing and it all seems good. I am liking it so far. Perhaps one of these days, i will try to change the background, as in like, changing skins :) like snakes do :P

Today, I delivered a short 'presentation' on my services. It was good - if i have to say myself. No feedback was given, but it was good :P (I can see some heads nodding off but then... they had a long day in the morn) oh... what ever it is... it was good :) and i am happy about it.

Today also, i stayed at the clinic till 6 working on minutes of the management meeting of the hospital, as well as trying to absord what had happened on the previous meeting. I mean... there were some heated arguments... i need to phrase them delicately and diplomatically!

I have been trying to get hold of the manager of Guardian, brunei, but she is harder to reach than anticipated! She does not seem available. Its so hard to just get hold of her and discuss things for a few minutes.... I hope to get her tomorrow... and have already made an appointment and left my contact numbers. I hope she calls me! sigh!

Burt: Muni called me regarding 'her' shirt :P She knows you have misplaced it.... so... apa macam?

People: offer topics of discussion?

World: I just want ti be happy.. and content

People i dislike: KILL yourself!

PS: there will be a st georges reunion and i will not be joining for exactly that reason :P lol... why waste my energy there when i can read a good book!

Korean movies / dramas

During my holiday, I was watching a series and several korean dramas and movies. Of the many i watched and cried through, i hated only one ending, though its funny!

Watching korean movies is like being surrounded by love and it moves you like you are going through that relationship. I shed so many tears that makes my eyes swollen for good part of the day! I woke up early only to watch more... sleep late... because i can't let it be...

being enveloped in a safe cocoon from afar, but experiencing the ups and downs of a complicated and sincere relationship is a bonus :) It makes me smile... makes me sad.. makes me regret... most of all.. it makes me happy... to FEEL! and have a taste of what it may be like, even if its not true.... "true love" through self recognition is something not achievable by all... but i feel it in the movies and by the actors and actress... plus... its does not hurt that they are gorgeous... (Even if they are not KILLER gorgeous!)

Guess what i would be doing on my next holiday!!!

Back from Holiday

Today is my first day of work. You would not believe it, but i woke up really early this morning that i shocked Kak nana and kak Meng! I was supposedly working in Bandar today, because we have staff meeting, but they cancelled it... so i returned to KB. And thank god i did... there was just so much things to do!!!! Basically, i was doing admin work the whole day! I also submitted my June's holiday forms :P its nice to be on leave :)

I promised Kak Lin I would go walking with her tomorrow but because I am avoiding someone and do not want to bump into 'it' i cancelled with Kak Lin - in return, i promised to make her something nice.

During my 23 days holiday, I went to Kuala Lumpur and became a tourist! I went and did a lot of tourist-y things and i enjoyed it. I even went batik painting and it will proudly go on the wall in my new room :P

What else is there to blog?

Heart and souls

i am watching this movie named above on HBO. I watched this millions of times. Most importantly, i love it. but of course, Robert Downey Jr is in it. He is so gorgeous!!! i cried earnestly! People dont make movies like that anymore. You know... make others feel, understand and try to just feel like humans... Its a good, easy going movie. Watch it. It comes highly recommended from me...

on leave

I am going on leave for 24 days, almost a month. All my patients are on leave too. There will be no replacement of therapist.

I need a break, but i dread to think of the backlog i am creating with this leave!!!

Empathy

Imagine yourself to be this lorry driver with a young family. and your son is not talking yet. You are worried and brought him to see a doctor knowing it would be expensive. None-the-less, its something you as a father have to do...

So in you go, with your child and wife to see the paediatrician whom later confirms your worst nightmare... you child is not totally "normal" and needs help and so she sents you off to see the speech therapist.

You wait a long time to be called, and when seen, she later send you off to others and you wait some more. In the mean time, your child is still not improving. You grew restless, unhappy, but you still have to feed the other children, and you have an oblligation to your wife as a husband and father to all your children, not to mention being a good son, and son-in-law.

When all the professionals finally got their acts and results together, they offer you regular and often weekly sessions to work on your child. However, your wife do not work or drive and you have to do the driving. BUT you work in a private firm and have to get out of work more often than the bosses like and you get a deduction in paychecks. on top of that, the therapists insists you spend more time with your son.

On top of worrying about your son, work and boss, financial problems amongst others, you have to "work" with your child. You do not know how you are going to do it, but you do. No one understands your problem... but people often point fingers and you hear family members speculating that your child's lack of normancy is due to YOU! after all your efforts, you are still to be blame and unappreciated.

Its been a few years, and soon he is going to school. Because you are not a citizen, but a permanent resident, you dont get to enjoy any privilages. When he is in school... he needs special help, assistance, curriculumn. But the school and teachers are unequipped to accept your child. In fact they refuse to take in your child.

and when you have ironed out kinks, you find out teachers in school are unable to provide necessary help to your child. The government agencies are unable to "HELP" you...

your child will grow up unable to fend for himself. He wont be able to work to earn a living. He is not physically impaired nor is he DERANGED or MENTALLY RETARDED as people rude point him out to... and because of that, he is not liable for disable allowance. what is his life to be after you are gone?

This is not a story about ONE patient, but a mixture of several patients together. BUT, if you but yourself in just this father's position, which is actually not as bad as the others (This is pretty 'normal'), what would you have done?? Can you do what the father does? Can you still 'hold' on?

Now question yourself: What do you do to give back to the community? What do you say when you see a group of family with a very 'hyperactive' child - you slander them, not knowing that the child could be the one mentioned above?! What can you do?

having seen the ugly side of family life... dont you ever wonder how health professionals pull themselves together? if not for faith, i would have scumbed into something dark and evil!

What would you do when....

Not all my friends at University are practicing Speech Therapy - not that i am in touch with all of them. But i do know a few that has stopped practicing. A few has gone forward and become research professors, done their Phd as well as masters. me??

I know in the UK, not all graduates of Speech Therapy proceed to become Speech and Language Therapists. And I assume this to be true in other parts of the world as well. There is this girl that had graduated with Speech Therapy from Australia, but upon returning, decided not to do it. Me??

After how many years of working would you realise you are not progressing?

After how many years would you realised you are giving more than your share?

When would you realise your efforts are unappreciated?

When do you start realising you are working within a system that does not change and probably will not change for the better? A system that FIGHTS good changes?

When do you start realising your heart is no longer in it?

And when you realise these, do you QUIT? Move forward to other work opportunities, outside your field?

What do you or would you do when you realised you are bored with what you are doing now?

Quality VS Quantity

For interest of this particular post, I am using nurses as a SUBJECT. However, am not pro or againt some of the questions put forward. It is just easier to stick to A SUCJECT than talking randomly and confusing readers in the process. Therefore, you can substitute the word NURSE with other profession, and maybe would come to the same conclusion. (I got this idea from June's blog - she brought it up first)

A lot of the thing we do not have enough is nurses in any wards, clinics or departments. Everyone seems to want more of this professionals to be working, yet, the main argument is, why are there so many of them without a job out there?

A clinic or department or ward would not be functioning well without the presence of nurses to smoothen the 'back' preparation and many of the little things than is deem less priority for the main health professional in certain emergencies e.g. stitching, dressing a wound etc. Anyways, this is one of the main professional in the health section that goes under fire... they are not doing this, not doing that, not emphatic etc.

In the current environment, where WE are working in a "LESS" environment of serba ketiadaan segala-galanya... it is really unfair to put these nurses under fire. They really are trying the best they can in such kesempitan. HOWEVER, having said that, there are incidences where they are not or carrying out their "JOB" properly.

Most people think being a nurse is just to make sure the patient is comfortable, and is in their destined bed, carrying out the doctors orders. There are others things they need to do as well... which is often neglected, such as hygiene including oral.

so, this is where the question comes in.... do we hire bulk of nurses just so that everyone have their fair share of helping hand and complete the requirement of staffs in a clinic/wards/departments regardless of their quality and knowledge??? OR do we screen over them, regardless they all graduated from the same university, having the same teachers and knowledge imparted on them, and select the greens from the browns? hence, leaving a lot jobless?

It really is the questionS to ponder! However, having experienced something similar, it is really unfair to the other 'quality' professionals to have an extra hands without the brains. It not only reduce production, it also reduces quality of care, treatment and people's belief's in your service. Not to mention the other professionals de-motivation and de-moralisation. I have always LOVED quality but it would be nice to have Quality and Quantity hand in hand... however, when it is not possible, as it is now, for me... I sleep better with good quality service than quantity service!

What's your choice?

Nurul's Wedding pictures

Nurul is one of the many participating youth (PY) that joined me in the youth ship (SSEAYP) in 2005. and these are some of her wedding picture that i took on 11th March, 2007 @ ICC, Brunei Darussalam. It may be slow to upload, so peservere, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED TO VIEW IT.

STPRI is going to celebrate her Golden Jubilee

its really rare to see me read brunei's newspaper. I find them, lacking in substance... Plus, I listen to the radio's news for everyday update, and that is already enough. anyways, I was tempted to read the papers today and i saw an ad that attracted me... It took me twice to read to really understand it... but i understood it... i was excited.

The school placed an ad in the local newspaper to inform all of her Golden Jubilee that is upcoming... and they were also looking for students from the year 1957-1990. They wanted name, address, telephone no, email as well as years of education at STPRI. These information can be sent via a phone call at 2222245 (Office hours only), Fax: 2226746 and email: stpri@moe.edu.bn . They also have a website now... so go to http://stpri.wordpress.com

in my excitement, as i returned home, i texted all i knew in my phone book to inform them of this. If they are anything like me, not reading the papers, because we have other better things to do, well... they needed to be informed :)

A lot of my family members belong in this era of students the school is looking for. I, myself, was in STPRI already in 1990 - though, despite believes, i was only in Form 2.

I wonder what they have planned ...

They also invited students of the past to write about their memorable experiences in STPRI, and i may be inclined to write in :)

Looking back, i used to look at the copper etched wordings signifying the opening of the school in the auditorium by the right side of the stage. I always wondered if i would live to see the day, as at that time, it seemed impossible for the feeble mind to cross the millinium. But.. they day has arrived... and i am here...

Six months milestone...

I didn't even realised it... but i passed my six months milestone... of being in KB :)

I was just reading back... and yes... This has been a good move... God really has plans for me...

Here 6 months, i already have several verbal commendations :) and a few went beyond to the administration side... Its really nice to know people love you...

so here, I like to thank all that had supported me... my family... and friends of the family... also unknown individual that had stopped and gave kind, encouraging words.... e.g. David Cheok :)

Here to many more happy and enjoyable years to come.....

i dunno what this is....

The day before yesterday, i was texted... I was invited to join a HOD meeting with the Minister of Health to KB Hospital. Like.. when did i become "HOD"? :P I thought i am the amah, clerk, therapist as well as the head... Such an interesting label to what i am doing.. and if so, i rather just be a therapist, I thought to myself... anyways..

Wednesday, the Minister came with his entorage. i knew some of them as i used to work in Bandar. and i have always smiled and said hello to them,... so they remembered me... Kind of... Even my DGMS said hello to me (HE says hello to everyone!)

Anyways... in the meeting, we voiced out our troubles. and, with the help of my current CEO, Jamal, he highlighted my clinic's problem re: our salary scale. I am being placed lower on the scale than i should. There are many times when i wanted to quit because of it. There are also times when i don't want to do things because of it... Sometimes i still think about it... I feel bad about it... but really... I feel negelected.

I also help highlighting problems of other services of my friends... Why should we be put down because we have limited man-power, no equipment or expertise as we are not sent for training. Being the 'rare' species of the country and looking after it is not something i recommend... its draining... and much unappreciated. ofen dismissed to be unimportant part of the integral system. an after thought... and whats more sickening is,... people dont even know what you are doing!! Medical professionals!!!

Highlight of the day came to me when i 'corrected' a man in the meeting room of something he thought to be as true. I have a strong dislike re: this man, so correcting him politely and as loudly as possible is not somthing i am ashamed of!

I also took the opportunity to talk to someone to ask about 'legal' procedures within the Ministry. Answers were encouraging and this, i reported to my colleagues, for them to take further action as i have already did the enquiring, asking, mingling and paving the way.

i was so HIGH for a while... but then... 2 days later.. I am more subdued. I am thinking... can i really believe and trust the 'admin' after being lied to, uncared for, disregarded FOR YEARS!!! The system fails me....