Dear family...

That is how an email started.. and it was aimed to most of my dad’s family and some of my mom’s family, including my aunts, uncles, cousins and in-laws… second cousins were included… even close friends… Initially, it started innocently.. as one person’s way of sending a block email to all, a mean of saving time… and everyone kept on hitting the reply all button and adding news of their own, and suddenly, we helped build a closer, healthier family relationship…

Suddenly, we started to talk to each other, listening to each other across the seas, separated from each other, but still… waiting everyday for that link of an email, that joins us together as family, share everything as family, discuss things openly as family and faces consequences of life as a stronger family unit. There are some people in my family that I am not close with (and not so proud of it) but suddenly, with this email, started to exchange words, sentences even thoughts… then… the natural encouragement!

Following the email, we have moved another step forward,… we created a family night… and have agreed for it to be on a Saturday night. It would be somewhere nice, but away from crowds so we all can share news, or even just type away at your boring column for your personal blog. Today was our second family get together – and it was a smash!!!

Who ever noticed that blood is thicker than water is not exaggerating. Though we do not seem to notice it, but in times of trouble, despite your personal dislike, we all tend to stick together through thick and thin… and I feel that we as a family unit have been through a lot!

The more I spend more time together with my own family, the more I realise that there are quite a few amazing people in it. They are able to stand up to people and say, “Mind your own business”, “I can survive”, “I can be independent”, “I can be as successful as you!” and more… Challenges are always faced head on… No use shying away from them as they are to come your way sooner than never…

Being in a family, I realised, is to accept the other individual with their flaws in your face, trying to make them a better person, and learning to let go and hoping that they grow to have sensible head on their shoulders. Being in a family also means encouraging them to excel, supporting them through hard times, as well giving them a hard slap across (not literally) to wake them up to smell the roses..

As we were discussing with Madam Checek and others, the root of my inability to find a mate is my inability to go a step further, my inability to accept wholeheartedly.. ?fear and always wanting approval from my parents! Its weird… its strange… but somehow, it is true… I have a lot of emotional issues that needs resolving… that needs addressing… I also know what this inability is and how it got there… but that is too personal…

My move across Brunei have been deemed to be a good, positive move.. and I am glad. But, that nagging feeling that someone is on your back constantly have been addressed.

Talking to the others about what the others had done and said, in the past, recently or predicting the future, it all colours your life more beautifully… absence of someone from the crowd is often felt.. like a void unable to just filled… unsatisfied…

A lot of us have this tendency to talk to other people, our adopted families, friends… people whom we personally chosen to be our family to disclose our frustrations, unhappiness and more… but, they can double cross you… and they turn their backs on you… but families won’t…

Keeping in touch is cheaper and easier now… so I do hope our dear family emails continues as we build our relationship from strength to strength. Its actually a pleasure to have known you and met you.

bits of this and that update!

The Mac Book is something new to me… few are surprised with the decision made to change to apple. Its not something planned, but now that I have it, one really has to learn to utilise it. I haven’t been playing with it much, but I am doing something else, reading the manual – learning more about this piece of sophisticated machinary.

I am home now, and trying to find out if my uncle’s place can detect wireless connection from the nearby shops and school. But alas to no avail! I’ll just have to go to the shops every other day for free connection or go to the shops for a dollar per day for limitless access! ;) choices, choices, choices…

It soon Hari Raya, or Eid, and the people in the hospital (KB) are busy decorating the clinics. They are not as fancy and competitive as they are in Bandar Seri Begawan. And most of the decorations are modest and laidback. My contribution to this festive season is a huge colourful ketupat on my office door, and some shiney flashy hanging bit from my door.

The outer clinic (ORL) is a bit flashier. I helped. They have lettering from foams, shiluottes of mosques covered with shiney gold and green wrappings, paper rings, fans, and turning paper stuff! Maybe I’ll get my camera out and let you all see for yourself.

My patients have not greeted me with “Selamat Hari Raya” hugs/kisses. Or even cards. Even my old patients have forgotten all about me…. :( sob sob sob…

Moving on… I recently complained of bluring vision when reading and am definitely making more mistakes stitching. So I went to a private eye shop and screened my eye. I was not goven any information, but was suggested to get glasses. Since I had bad experiences from eye glasses (On and OFF with the glasses) I decided to get a cheap one, and that was clever of me. Just after I got the glasses, I put them on, and my vision is worse with it than without it! So I decided to see a real professional.

I went to see an Optemetrist in KB. He took some details from me, and asked how old my glasses were. And he did some tests, similar to the ones from the shop, but he went a bit further. He explained things to me. Get this… my eyes are NORMAL, and I do not need glasses. Well,… I do not need them now, but I may need them in my 40’s, so he suggested that I go on a yearly eye check up and that is what I will do. What am I to do with the new frame? Donate them? Keep them?

Back to this hari raya mood, I was listening to Kristal as usual… and they have started to play the Kristal idols of the DJs singing! OH MY GOD! WHY WHY WHY? Why even attempt? Some of them are HORRIBLE … he he he… not that I have a good singing voice, but I do know to keep them singing voice in the bathroom or car when I am alone! It gives me the cringe factor listening to them… but 100% marks given for willingness to make a fool of oneself!

I am trying to mix all news-worthy materials in a blog… seeing that the past few entries were a tad heavy for most! But this will have to do for now… I probably would run out of idea if I write everything in an entry :P so until then, keep blogging in..

I have got myself, with the help of my sister, a laptop. However, I have to LEARN to use it. I have no experience using this type of machine. And before you ask, yes.... its showey as said by one of my other sister, but a good buy by another sister, YES... I have gotten myself a MacBook.

As I have no experience using an apple... and i really do not know how to even operate word or MSN on this thing... it will take longer than anticipated to really fully utilise this challenging machine. and i SWEAR, I will try to take classes to sort this thing out! :P

But at least, I have figured out how to use the internet, and hence been able to blog this, take pictures using it, as well as... I have also been an active participator with the family emails, of which I may blog about another time... But until i really know how to master this new gadget... it'll still the be slow, and sporadic entry.... but people... do feed the brain as to what to write... its been really slow and lonely in KB :P

I'll try to post some pictures if this thing allows it.... of well... talk to you all soon....

special people

This is my life… working with special people. Often, they are better than ‘normal’ individuals. And though working with them may be tiring, frustrating, annoying and is a main factor in my ailing mental and emotional health, they often give me something no one had ever given me before… the reward of growth, awe, discovery and understanding.

I have worked with children and adults with multiple speech and language disabilities, not mentioning intellectual disabilities on top of poor cognitive skills. But helping them make sense and understand or even get them to tell you their name or identify an apple individually and spontaneously even after 2 years of treatment (YAY! An ACHIEVEMENT) is a lot of hard work and tears! Not everyone is able to accomplish this first milestone.

Often, parents feel helpless. They feel that they are to blame for their child’s failure to learn and reach normal developmental speech and language milestones. This is not ALWAYS the case. There are cases where I SCOLDED parents for not doing their part in educating their child, but a lot of us DO try our best, but it is just not enough. Sometimes, it is always a matter of understanding limitations and strengths of an individual. All parents and carers want their child to TALK, but what is wrong with using sign language? What is wrong with inability to spell but able to talk fluently? We need to re-focus our child’s strengths.

Parents sometimes want their child to achieve something THEY want the child to be able to do, like play football. But if the child does not have the ability or passion to play ball, no matter how much training you give, he and yourself will not be happy. THIS IS SO SIMPLE. Yet, a lot of us do this; IMPOSE our dreams on our child! WHY? The same for special people. Do not visualize them to be something they are not or unable to be and in the process add unnecessary stress on them!

They have feelings too and they know that they are different. It doesn’t help if society (US) and their peers are unable to accept them as they are. I have patients coming to see me and tell me that they are STUPID! WHY? WHY? WHY? They are not stupid,… they are different. I just finished a session with a child. I asked her to repeat after me… “I am special” several time… and later she said… “Are you sure? My friends said I am STUPID!”. POOR understanding of people’s weakness makes you an ignorant !@#$%.

Put yourself in a parent with a child with special learning needs shoes. Imagine going through a day, just a day, they go through. The waking up, sleepless nights, picky with food, the inability to understand your child’s speech but the need to teach and reach out and the WANT to communicate with your child, bathing, shopping, playing and more… I don’t think anyone can re-live the pain these brave parents go through… Only God is all knowing of their pain and struggle to just get through the day.

Then, imagine you are in the child with special needs shoes. You want to say something, you want something but no one understands you. All your movements are controlled. Why is it that I cannot run in a shop? Why can’t I eat ONLY the things I want to eat? Imagine the frustrations of these individuals when they are unable to read, and write or spell. And imagine being called names in school not just by friends, but by teachers and family as well. The feeling of being such an unworthy individual… “WHY DO I EVEN LIVE?” they may ask themselves… and I ask this of the people who are inhumane!

If you really have empathy for these people with special needs, you would try to at least understand what it is like to be in their shoes in the strange world where everyone is so unfriendly and loses patience with you! You could even stop teaching your OWN child to fear special individuals and put stigma onto them. Instead, you would want to help them, volunteer and most importantly give to your charities. Not a lot of us are charitable. Not just in the sense of finance, but in understanding, accepting, involving these people as part of our society. They are after all BRUNEIAN too. Yet, they have poor educational and support in school and society.

What are we to do? Do you think it will never happen to you? Think again!

Make a difference - lets start with understanding and the right attitude.

Broken families

Its strange when I think about it… I am sure we have some of these around, but why is it such a taboo for people to acknowledge it happens in Brunei? Do we have such a social rule that defames us should we have or come from a broken family?

I always knew this exists, as I experience it… enough said… but I learnt more about it and how to cope or how not to cope mostly from TV programs that I watched as a kid and as a growing individual. It was also then that I know someone out there knows what I feel like. Someone out there has similar experiences as I. As a university student learning counselling, and having met one myself, I know I think and fear this most… the rejection as it has never been addressed or worst, acknowledged having!!

Looking around, and knowing from chats I have with friends and even encounters and interviews with patients I see everyday, I know it is happening, and feel it on the rise. I am unsure statistically wise, but I am sure there was an article written in the national newspaper sometime this year regarding the rise of divorces, hence, one of the sources of broken families in Brunei Darussalam.

People often have this vision and idea that when an individual comes from a divorced family, they are considered broken. However, if two parents are living together and not talking or even fighting all the time, this is still considered a WHOLE family. On the other hand, siblings that do not see eye-to-eye on most matters and ended up having cold sibling WAR is still considered a WHOLE family. Do you see the wrong in this?

People are very afraid to admit that they come from a broken family in spite of the outlook of togetherness. They want people to know and believe that they are together as a unit. Aren’t they lying to themselves? Isn’t that hurting them inside? It’s hard to be cheery when you are sad, worse to believe you have a smashing family when you don’t! That must have negative psychological impact on any one!

Some of the older generations believe that if you come from a broken family, you probably would grow up to be scum of society or end up being a cripple and have to depend on the government due to drugs, alcohol, or social problems that leads you to undesired behaviours. Don’t you see that this happens despite if one comes from a FAMILY or broken unit? Why the unexplainable or even unfathomable conclusion or derivative?

Why should all scum come from broken families? Or even drug addicts? Why should individuals from broken families be underachievers? I STRONG DISBELIEVE this. I, however, believe that emotional and mental scaring from living in a broken family and not having the proper support or even acknowledgement to grief your loss has a greater impact on an individual!

There are many causes of broken families… and someone brilliant out there, I am sure have categorised them into neat study or research areas.

It is even sadder to acknowledge that our well being is not looked after. Yes sure, we have lots of free stuff… and education and food are often subsidized…. But what of our mental and emotional well-being? This is often neglected and if anything happens, people often do not own up, instead they like to point fingers. Take responsibilities for your actions they always say…. Well… they don’t really practice what they say, do they?

Kemasyarakatan!!! SUCH a big word, even the MINISTRY itself does not understand the full meaning of this word! If they do, some actions would be taken to heal the DYING society… Often I ponder; do I really want a family (my own) to grow in such a dire state of emotional and mental decline in my society? Can I truly provide emotionally to a growing child in this diverse multi-cultural with multi-levelled society rules with many inequitable living conditions, environment and more?

Own up people… acknowledge that you need help… acknowledge that you are emotionally hungry for approval and support… acknowledge a problem so we all can work to better improve ourselves…. Re-invent ourselves to be a better person… better contributing personnel of the society that will grow beautifully into perfumed roses, and not genetically engineered, thorn-less, smell-less roses.

This brings me to remember an encounter I had with a patient I was treating in one of the wards. This frail old man has a failing memory due to age (dementia) and hence he was unable to look after himself. He often pee-ed in his pants, he is unsure if he has taken his medication, and he often talks about his pasts and his remorse. He, I found, was unable to remember most of his family members… yet, he knows when they do not come and visit him. He must have been in the hospital for about 3 months, and I have never seen any of his family members. Nurses were helpful enough to clean him, and occasionally, I would feed him lunch and dinner. But where were his family?

According to a staff, the patient was admitted into the ward because he had a fall and then kind of hurt his head. He was there only for observation. Later, the medical team found out that he had been hit on the head instead of the firm believe of him falling somewhere around the house. He stayed in the hospital because none of his children (there were about 9, I think) wanted to take him home. Too much work, too cumbersome, too tiring, he is NOT my father and more… This is sad. The children considered themselves a family, and they had many family discussions…. But are they really a family? NOT I believe!!!

It is sad… and even sadder that you know it happens in your supposedly ‘clean’ of ANYTHING country… we need community counselors, proper counselors in school and tertiary educational settings! We need people to seek help…

I want to seek help… Many of my ‘rejection’ issues come from this issue… If you do not want to be like me, emotionally dead and unable to ‘love’… SEEK help! Seek help now… its never too late to heal yourselves. Next time you know anyone that feels he comes from a broken family… get him to admit it and seek help. You are doing everyone a favour!

If anything comes out of this, I hope that people are more aware of how unjust and blind our society are… and that individuals from broken families can grow into a lovely rose with the proper support and love from people in their surroundings. However, people denied of problems, die, and are incapable of further reaching and committing to name just a few.

Ramadhan and Teacher's Day

Ramadhan is here again… and this would be the first in 7 years since I got back from UK, that I would be fasting slightly away from home… not as bad since I still get to eat halal food everywhere… just get to eat it alone!

I got comments that my previous blog entry was just so sad and plain blue…. So I thought I’ll pick it up a notch…

Ramadhan must be one of my favourite months. As I KID, I found fasting very difficult. Often I would cry to sleep because of hunger, and when I do sleep and dream, I dreamt of eating :P ha ha ha… those were the days. I had more embarrassing stories … like cheating… eating or drinking from the kitchen… and more… ha ha ha….

As an adult, a friend showed me how interesting Ramadhan can be. We used to stay up all night, and do a lot of things together… things I have never done with another friend or most of my family members… and for that insight, he is an aspiration… a light…. And I always thank god for his presences, though brief, in my life…

Today also happens to be Teacher’s Day and I got roses… and also a gift bag… from a boy patient! Awww… its just so amazing.. and to make it even better… he did quiet well in session, compared to 2 sessions ago… What more can I want?!

I RECEIVED my first ROSES from a boy patient…. I told you I have more luck with the young ones than I do with men of the right age or brains…. Ha ha ha,… Its orange by the way…

And so…. I wish all my teacher friends, my sister, cousins, and more… (MY OWN TEACHERS) a very good teacher’s day…

lonely...

Life is slightly slower than that I was used to back in Bandar. However, I kept myself busy by being more efficient that I was before. For example, it would take a few weeks before an initial assessment report for a patient to be ready, including his referrals to other departments and more.

Here, I try to make it a practice to immediately place all the reports to one place, and work on them during lunch, including referring them to the appropriate agencies via snail mail, email, fax or even phone calls. I’m happier with this system because I feel I am giving my patients much better service (administration) than before.

I also write up after every patient after their sessions. I used to only write their plans and evaluate them after a few weeks. Now, I can write up more… I bring them home for something to be done at home.

I also planned next week’s plans in advance… prepare materials and thought out toys and seating.

To some, this may make me sound and look like a neurotic… but those who knows me better say I am looking for something to do; being a self proclaimed moderate-severe workaholic :P

Despite making myself busy, I am still feeling lonely. I do not have anyone to talk to… no one to discuss with… no one to sit with… no one to eat with… or even crack silly unmeaningful conversations with… I feel lonely.

I haven’t resorted to talking to the walls yet... I try to make myself busy at home with different activities such as cooking, dusting, sweeping, mopping, washing, making beds and more. Latest was, I took my sewing box from Bandar and is beginning to create a new project.

Inspite everything… I still feel lonely… Does anyone know what this feels like?

My sister and cousin are in UK… BUT I am sure they have more chances of finding friends or have more friends and families around them than I!!!

To curb my loneliness, I tried to go to the public library last Friday, only to be surprised that it is not opened. It opens on a SUNDAY, while I am in Bandar!!! How ironic!!!

Yesterday, Burt came to KB, giving away a lecture in the hospital. It was after lunching together; he dropped by my clinic and generously and brilliantly figured out how to dial out to use the internet!!! I am so happy for his help, or I won’t be able to blog…

With age, we are more set in our ways… we know what we want and what we don’t want… I always find making friends difficult… and don’t know where to start, hence, a new environment where I am lonely and being surrounded only by people whom are locals here with their own families makes it worse for me to try to make friends.

Don’t get me wrong… I KNOW this move is necessary and probably good for me as well; GOD WORKs IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS… I never regretted agreeing to this move or starting a permanent service in KB, since the people here deserve something better, and I know I can offer that! But being lonely is different…

When I was in Bandar, yes I do not talk all the time, yes, I do not spend a lot of time with my parents or even my sisters and prefer to be alone or by myself… but that’s different. They are just 5 minutes away when ever or where ever I need them… I am surrounded by family every 5 minutes everywhere I drive in Brunei-muara district.

I think I miss the security and the idea of having families around me… I feel like I am alone here… and that is sad…

Like a professor said to me… to have a conversation, you need at least 2 people; one to talk and one to listen… BUT… There is only one of me…

I am in Kuala Belait..

Here I am.. In Kuala Beliat, today being my third day... I still don't have a place of my own, and is living with my maternal uncle, whom has been kind enough to spare a room for myself. And in the new clinic, I still don't have any of the items I have mentioned in the earlier blog... Life is slow...

Yesterday, was my first day of work. I came early and brought my personal computer to the clinic. I wasn't given a computer, and since a computer is important to my patient filing system, I have to get going!!! I can't just sit around and do nothing! That is just so not my style... PLUS, I would go out of my mind sitting around not doing anything!!

Yesterday (Saturday), I also saw my first patient as a permanent Speech and Language Therapist in Kuala Belait. Its an old patient who wants to get further treatment. She had been previously discharged, but the day before yesterday (Friday), we met in SOON LEE, and being patients, asked for an appointment...

Yesterday also, I 'melapor diri' to my new CEO. He is a very nice man. We talked for about half an hour. He talked about stuff that he was expecting me to do... He also talked about his plans and aspirations for the clinic and its expansion. But I was disappointed on only one count... He didn't offer to bring me around and show me the hospital... I really do not know the people or the place... so it means i have to find out about the hospital myself, like i did Hospital RIPAS... WHY WHY WHY???

Yesterday also, my mum and cousin decided to come up to KB and sleep over. Today, this afternoon, we have a family function with my mum's uncle. I guess I have to go, being here now...

I have explored the MAIN shopping areas... namely, the town (which I have been exploring for a few years) and the NEWEST Soon Lee, very near my uncle's place... I MISS SHOPPING in BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN... I miss the usual window shopping spree i usually do after work, even if there is nothing to see most times...

I found out that things are much more expensive here. Even vegetables are more pricey! I will have to go back to bandar to get all my food... or maybe, i should just go to miri and get my weekly food stash? I wonder if that is a good idea. I don't know either place well... I should buy a map :P sounds like new adventure for me...

I won't be blogging for a while now. My personal computer is in the clinic and i do not own a laptop. My uncle's modem is recently ruined from the thunderstorm we has several weeks ago. It means, I have to go to Bandar and beg my sister to lend me hers for a couple of hours, or get my PC back but let work slide, or get a laptop. Neither of the choices are 'simple'. Help me make a decision???

Final working day in RIPAS

It never occured to me that one day I would be leaving RIPAS Hospital. I have always thought my life starts and ends there... I have resigned to the fate that I would forever be slaving myself to the society of Brunei-Muara District... Somehow, this realisation of what I thought my life's plan was, changed in May, while I was holidaying in Kota Kinabalu with friends for the weekend!

Though I have suggested the idea several years ago, I never thought that it would, one day, come back its way to me... and was given a chance to realise a dream... an aspiration, I thought I wanted to do... Has all that changed? YES, it has... and as for now, I am not sure what i want to do in life... Living without a plan is something I am not used to... I have always had a life's plan...

How do I feel about moving to Kuala Belait now? I am not sure... Sometimes i feel it as a blessing, because it is an easy way out of something uncomfortable, that has been going on for a while now.. It is also a blessing to be given this rare opportunity to start something new... where you can do anything and everything... so its your chance to show the country that you can do this... singlehandly :P

But I know I am going to miss comforts Bandar Seri Begawan offers me... What you may ask... well... for instance, the great arrays and choices of shops, restaurants, bookstores etc... and also having my family and some friends close and near, even if i do not talk to them daily!

A few weeks ago, I started to clear my stuffs and table again, after talking a break from it. I finally managed to clear EVERY single paper and book into boxes and transfered them to KB Hospital. It was very emotional for me... I didn't think that I would miss my table so much... As of today, I've been working in the clinic, using the same table (not necessarily the same spot) for 6 years 6 months and 7 days. (I should have blogged yesterday, I would have gotten a nice number)

I felt this sudden sadness overwhelming me... I am going to miss my table so much... I am going to miss the computers that don't work (because i won't have any), missing the photocopier the most... and delicious food prepared every morning by the diligent Mak Cik, who's aim in life is to fatten you up! I am not complaining :P

I have transfered cases of my current case load to a collegue and I am going to miss them dearly. Most of them are sweethearts... and I am going to miss the hugs... and wet kisses, on the cheeks and the lips :P Most of all, I am going to miss my regulars, whom have been undergoing training for several years... I wish them well... and progress progress progress...

I am not going to have a farewell party as suggested because I will ony be in Kuala Belait, and that, the last time i checked, is still part of Brunei Darussalam!!! A lot of people have been asking when i would be having this 'party'... never... unless i am marying a foreigner and he is whisking me back to his exotic land...

And i am not going to say goodbye(s) to all the rest... because its not exctly goodbye is it... we will still be working together, as a team, working and striving together to make an individual better and 'normalise'his everyday functions, activities and communications...

As of today, my clinic in KB is still table and chair-less... computer-less, toy-less, file-less, appointment card-less and more... I'll blog more to tell you how interesting working life is in Kuala Belait... For now, i won't complain as i need to familiarise myself with the new place and system, and get to know the right people to get things done... I also need to unpack... sigh....

I only hope i won't feel so lonely and desolated there...

Bye RIPAS Hospital...

Bye Bandar Seri Begawan...

Bye Gadong...

Bye Delima...

Bye home.....

Hello Kuala Belait...

Brunei Darussalam's YL and AYL for SSEAYP 2006. 

I had 2 interesting chats with friends on MSN today :) One with a friend abroad... and another with a friend just a few blocks away...

With the local friend a few blocks away, i was chatting / talking about work... and how i am not quite happy being where I am and doing things i am doing... through much chat... its the limitations they put on the work that frustrates me!!!

I also believe i still have passion hidden in me.. dying to get out to do something outrageous... something signifiant... and is dying to be given a chance... but when... its dying... literally... its sad as i know i have a lot to offer!

We also exchanged some common dirt about a superior that we know is commonly hated by all through out the ministry :) sigh.. I don't understand why that became so (I am one of those person whom hate this person) but we have just reasons...

The local friend also added that perhaps KB may offer me something that i am looking for... that it would probably give me a boost to appreciate what i am doing... Funny enough, the friend abroad also said the same thing... Great minds do think alike... despite them not knowing each other...

A friend is willing to give 1K to set up facilities for me and my kids and patients in KB. I was initially jumping for joy and accepted like a leach on to skin... i immediately have this vision of things i may need for the cllinic.... but then.. i got thinking.... can i accept it? is it okay with the government policy?? I may need to ask someone about that...

Getting back to this friend of mine abroad... we were talking about work... and specifically office politics... We agreed though our departments are small, but we have our fair share of problems and mis-communications. All have their own ideas on how to improve or unwillingness to change a 'good' thing... hence in the end, all are frustrated... nothing is achieved. An empty discussion...

we also talked about criticisms given by patients regarding our services. More of what my patient thinks of this friend's services. I was asked not to sugar coat it... and i did try my best... its not always easy being truthful... it hurts... but for the good of all, it has to be said. And having a good head on her, she sees rooms for improvements from the suggestions given. Such is an attitude to be admired and followed by all!

Ineffencies in the running of the service as well as our 'kids' is just a source of embarassment to me... and now, to her as well. Comparing services provided in other places i have worked in as a student, with less facilities... its very very embarassing... PLUS they give intensive therapy to SEVERE intellectually CHALLENGED individuals :)

I also talked about bad practices carried out by the staffs... They like to dismiss a person without examining the person as a whole... they also talk "bad" up to a point of backstabbing a person... then comes the question of what is meant by backstabbing... and how it may affect an individual... its an eye-opener experience to this friend to know it actually happened.... inserted is a piece of chat i had earlier on the night: (some editing required to make it short and protect information)

Me: Let me share and tell you that its not only 'you' that is having problems within the dept.... we also have our fair share of misunderstanding, distrust, backstabbing etc.

Friend: iatah kan.. we dont have backstabbing.. well not to my knowledge as yet but ntah.. i guess alot of distrust and misunderstanding

Me: *wink* I THINK ada BACKSTABBING. in your dept that is

friend: ada kan

Me: The center is full of it

Friend: relly? well, the center yes... no offense... but my dept ?

Me: YES and I can say I am VERY sure of that

Friend: i must be blind. either that or I am not a good in my job at all for I cannot sense it

Me: *hugs* I was blind to office politics until explained to me

Friend: or maybe i was in denial huh. between the three of us in the dept meela, i can say there are alot of frustrations. sometime it escalates to irritation.. i myself tried to avoid it but entah ah..

Me: what i meant by backstabbing (and this is just an example... not untuk memburukan keadaaan... and by no means should be quoted) is like (for example) A talking about B's weaknesses.... behind her back amongst her collegues whom shuld respect her but don't because of this...

Friend: is that backstabbing?

Me: unintetional gossiping is BACKSTABBING in the truest form....

Friend: u see i dont count that as backstabbing.. i see that as venting the frustrations. so if the person i talk abt ask me i wud tell her exactly what i said

Me: it changes people's prespective... he he he.... if it was meant to be in the nicest sense as mentioned above, venting frustrations, i suppose its okay... but must it be done within the WHOLE community of collegues to know???? and spread the word viciously accross the community to the hospitals? can't we just vent to our families and dearest friends?

Friend: oh my god! across community to the hospital!! then that's backstabbing!!

What i failed to mention is... we also have BACKSTABBING in my department. Why do we have this culture? Its unhealthy not to mention demotivating... plus its what we call FITNAH!!! Why?

the conversation ended with both of us aspiring to do something about it, but unsure whom would listen to us. As if our head would even entertain the ideas I had to overcome this problem a step at a time! I really need to do something more worth while than this...

26 years to pension...

Yesterday, my makcik threw me a goodbye party… She cooked from home and all of it delicious. BUT, because I had to send my parents’ amah home, I was late coming to the hospital. Some had eaten already (I told them to eat first as I knew I would be late) but others waited for me or sat around me while I ate up.

Soon after, we had a chat… as always, our conversation is interesting... that day... our conversation led to PENSION - when. what do we do. Plans and such...

A friend of mine joined the army after working in Health for a while. In the army, after working for 15-20 years, you can retire and may get half or full pension respectively. so.. if this friend is to quit after 15 years of working... that would mean another 8 years for him.

We started work in the same year... and he is retiring before me!!! and getting paid as well!!! As for me, I have to wait for another 26 years before i retire!!! How fair is that???

SIGH... it really is depressing to think about all these...

As we continued the conversation, this friend continued to talk about what he may plan to do after he retires... He wasn't sure if he would... but if he is no longer required... he was thinking of doing something else... lucrative is THE word in his mind!

If i have the same choice, i probably would do the same thing. Then... the conversation moved quiet nicely into marriage....

He said, that is why girls have to find someone RICH that can support us even if we are not working... He suggested that i try my luck in Malaysia (as the songstress of Malaysia did find her trophy rich man...) But i told him... THAT type of behaviour turns me off...

I not necessarily want a rich man... I want a man that i can talk to about things... one that do things with me... like housework... sigh.. why am i talking about this..

anyways... I was thinking... I still have 26 long years to work as a government servant... What am i to do? Its not like i do not like working... its just that its another 26 years of SHIT and most of them would be MAJOR shit.... can i survive that???

If i have the same option, i would gladly retire (as it is now.. i feel i should retire :P) What would i do... I dunno... maybe work but do something that makes me happy and not get CRAP and SHIT out of it... and that i have a choice to stay or not... sigh....

Anyone else have thoughts about retiring? and what you would do if and when you retire?

Half of the dishes we get to eat on our first day in China. Every meal time (except breakfast) we get to eat 13 0r 14 course meal. and the man dressed in white at the back is Aliuddin(Our muslim chef) 

The conference hall for the forum 

Outside the hall to the conference 

This is just 2 step outside my hotel in JiangChen... That is a picture of a freshwater lake... and that in the midle is an island.... there is a hidden city underneath the lake... 

traditional way of smoking in CHina 

He made me a butterfly... i requested for it. It took him less than 30 seconds to produce it. 

He made a dragon for Yaumil 

US, with the master... he made all of us a little something for as little as 1 yuen each... that is probably like 20 cents or something