Today...

Today:

Its raining heavily outside since I came home from shopping/dinner with Uncle and cousin. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen, which includes going through 'old' food stock, cleaning the fridge and freezer, floor, and kitchen table and stove including microwave and kettle.

Ramadhan is approching very fast, and apparently people are very excited. I went to get some supplies for us (Uncle and me) for the fasting month. Will get the veggies nearer to the day.

I finally managed to get a pair of shoes to replace the one i have. The sole is giving way, but its still good for a few weeks walk. I shall keep it till its unusable.

I have finally MOVED to the new clinic location. Some patients had been there, some professionals too. Its not untidy, but things are still all over the place (kitchen) in boxes... Will need to unpack very soon. It looks good.

but, why do i feel 'odd'? I should be happy things are going well....

JOY OH JOY!!!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST NEWS!!!! JOY OH JOY...

AT LEAST NOW, THE FUTURE NO LONGER LOOKS TOO BLEAK! SOME PROSPECT OF LIGHT, FINALLY....

Opening Ceremony

so the opening ceremony is over. The highlight for me was watching the young athlete try their walking, matching, swinging, lifting and walking up steps and running. They were cute :)

I had the privillage to be one of the flag lady. It was okay, despite being in the sun and all, however, people change their minds all the time, and.... this was no exception. yesterday they made final changes,... today, few minutes before the siren of the royal bellowed, changes were made yet again.

i had to kneel on the tarmac... It was hot, uncomfortable. but i survived. People whom had been watching close may noticed that i was a bit TOO shifty in my position for a flag lady... sigh... this is what you do....

Superficially, things went quite smoothly, neatly without hiccups :) Everyone were happy...

strange...

I am currently volunteering for a good cause - 2nd Special Olympics Asia-Pacific Bocce Competition. (FYI the first game was in Brunei as well in 2005). Here, i get to work with plenty of people in different situations under stress, and yet you have to make things happen. And here is where you meet colourful characters.

BUT amongst the commotion, there is this lady that stood out from the rest and (Singaporean married to a local) whom had been labeled 20 cents - because every time her name is raised (which is very frequent) you have to pay 20 cents into this piggy bank, which will then be given back to her ( AT THE VERY END) as an act of 'REPENT-tion' from the group!

Anyways, this lady is VERY good at fabricating stories. She does not even bother to tell her lies consistently. And I for one, had really been fooled. I really believed her 'truths of news' until variations of the same news came to me, and people started questioning! People in various committees actually LAUGHED at me, claiming me to be an easy target!

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why she is such a 'Dr Jeckle / Mr Hyde'. I wanted to tell her that we all know variations of truths... but somehow, i don't feel its worth my time to even associate with her... and hence, i really keep my distance, and only nodding when i see her. The mere-est glimpse of her, everyone scatters.

I wonder why she would do that to herself??? and alienate other people???

Another lady that i find strange is this lady that is supposedly 'FAMILY' but WE never really associate ourselves with her or her clan much. like, once a year is not really considered family!!! And, if anyone claims us to be related, i usually say we are NOT!

For a woman of her status, she really shame herself! One would think she would act with grace and dignity... but all people can see is that she is an airhead, especially good for nothing, and not worth to even try replying to any of her requests or questions. I don't even think she is respected by any of the other professionals, other than people within her own department with reasons to be so, i guess - ass lickers!!

HOWEVER, i met exceptional people :) especially the special individuals. They have hearts of gold ;)

Wishes...

How many times have you dreamt of being lucky like Aladin, and get that magic lamp, rub it and get 3 magic wishes. And if you had any three wishes, what would it be?

How many times have you been in the position, where you started a sentence with "I wish..." without ever really thinking and putting any bearings to it...

If i were to have such wishes, I wish that...
1. we live in an ideal world, where people do what they are supposed to do. There would be no oppression, no self interest projects, no backlashing... If we all follow and live with the 'human code', i believe we all can achieve many many positive gains... but then again, humans are selfish individuals.

2. i am a woman of stature and wealth. Not because i want to be FILTHY rich (it doesn't hurt), and for the glamour of it all, but with wealth and stature, you can do a lot of good things, other than be independent financially, and you get to do things you like without any burdeon, you can carry out many tasks such as be a volunteer to causes close to your heart, and offer your specialty in certain cases, and get to further or enhance your own skills, as you see fit.

3. I have the wisdom and foresight to live life well, and not do mistakes or regretted things in the past. When and if you are wise, you know how to treat people as you know the outcome and consequences of your own actions.

I shed too many tears already and all very recently. Not only do my eyes are tired, i am exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally...

My birthday was almost a month ago, but i am still recieving gifts :) thanks you all. I had a book, kain, desk, DVD player, MP3, bag, brooch, floating candles, dinner and lovely thoughts. I love them all.

ANOTHER nice birthday present was when June called me up to tell me that exam results are out, and that i actually passed ONE paper out of TWO :) Ain't that brilliant :P I thought it was not short of miracles.

August also meant, WEDDINGS.... Other than Azhan getting married, Emran and my Mak Cik's daughter also got married. And they all got married on the same day. Emran was an old school friend from my primary days. He invited me weeks earlier, :) and naturally, his was the one i had to attend to. Azhan is a friend from the frivolous years... and Mak Cik's daughter's wedding was a smash, i know :) though i was not there.

Drama was everywhere this month.... and Special Olympics is also coming... of which, drama is not short of.... AMAZINGLY, I was volunteered to teach the kids to dance, traditional and modern dance ;) and... believe it or not, they managed to learn a traditional dance, under 2 hours!!!

I cannot wait what else is there for me to do and go through.... life is so mysterious... and wonderful!

Hapiness is...

You can click on the title above, as it will bring you to a blog written by Twinkle not so long of the same topic. Initially, I only wanted to say that QUITING from my job would bring me happiness, however, find out how I have changed my mind.

Things that would make me absolutely happy are:

1. Understand what I need for myself, on my own.
2. Be self-sufficient; not needing anything or anyone.
3. Have money. I do not want to think about money; if I have enough to spend or share or burn. I just want it to be always there...
4. No responsibilities, other than to myself and god.
5. To QUIT my job. (It ideally would be number 1, but a girl has to earn money in reality to survive and pay off her debts)
   
6. Stay in bed and never get out of it.
7. DO nothing...
   
8. To have communication with people ALL the time, even if its just tiny things like telling you they need to pee! (If they within your immediate surrounding of course! I am not silly!) Every little thing adds up, and all types of communication is important!
9. To wake up and feel good. Gone are times when I wake up and feel like crying, feeling tired and worse...
10. To be truly happy with oneself.

Happiness is a constant working progress and you constantly have to work on it. Only you can make you happy; so i was told! It is also a process of mind over matter. Make yourself believe you are happy and you are...

I probably would never achieve any... and so I would never be happy... or would I?

Clack! Clog! Chump! Chump! That is all i heard from the table to my left, while i was dining on my own, waiting for my sister to turn up. I can hear the couple's utencills going across their plates louder than I can hear them talk. I can even hear the chewing activities louder than a blowing machine on the road!

We tell our children all the time:

"Chew /eat with your mouth closed"

"Eat slowly"

"Don't drag your spoon against your plate"

"Stop clacking!"

We do not seem to follow our own advice, some of us that is. And this couple, eat like this in a restaurant!!!! - Where are their manners??? I lost my appetite!!

Happy Birthday to me

This year, I have a man's voice, and a head that feels like a volcano about to erupt on my birthday. Needless to say, I do not feel like celebrating. I never feel like celebrating, but it feels good to be remembered. I received loads of text messages on my phone, as well as on line. I even got messages from my sister, parents and aunt from abroad.

However, all i did not get was 'conversation'. i fell to bed tired of waiting and without conversation... i felt dumped! Birthdays always bring me down... why?

Anyways, to those that never did had the chance to read what my birthday is all about in previous blogs, here is your chance.... click away and re-discover the journeys...
July 2005
July 2006
July 2007

An excerpt from July 2005:

"Legally, My birthday would be on the 14th of July but my family would usually greet me on the 15th July!!! ...... On my birth certificate, It was written that i was born on the 14th July few decades ago. The nurse that was attending my mum wrote that down, and it was certified by people whom was not my dad (he was not there) and being LAID BACK as they are, did not check the details on it! However, according to my mum, I was born on the 15th July, because i was born after the midnight of 14th July, when she came to the hospital!!!"

Boss is not here： Boss is calling：
I Like this emotion!!

In a meeting： Training： Tea break：

Before noon on weekend： Ready for getting off work：


Tomorrow is a holiday：　

Got today’s target from boss：　 Tough target：

Find impossible to meet boss’s requirement：

OT for 2hrs： OT for a whole night：

Being notified to OT on weekends：


Meet with ‘Sorry-I-Don’t-Know’clients： Made mistakes in work：

Little achievement： Frustrating things happens：

Finance person doesn’t give the money:

Being advised NO BONUS this year：　

fighting

i hate fighting.
it makes me feel horrible.
i promised myself i would not be in a relationship that fights all the time. I do not want to be in a ever cyclic vicious cycle. Maybe being single won't be that bad.

Rainbow

Do you remember looking at the sky, and seeing this wonderful thing... Its colourful, and its there after it rains. Sometimes, it all around like a big semi circle, sometimes, you can only see a peep between clouds... Once, when i was younger and in primary school, i remembered looking at the sky and seeing this CIRCULAR rainbow. Yes, rainbow.

I used to be fascinated with rainbows. I have to say, I still am. Despite knowing that its reflection of light on water particles... or something like that if I remember my secondary Physics right.

I was driving home from KB a few days ago, when I was stuck in traffic (Yet again!) when I saw this colourful spectrum to the right of me, out of the window on the horizon. I was looking, and trying to see how the colours change from one shade to the other, and how the colour change is so amazing that it actually blends... you don't see separation of colours.

You know when you were in school, you learnt that the rainbow consists of 7 colours, and yet, when I was looking and staring at the rainbow, I can see more than 7 shades of colours, yet, it was kind of difficult to say, this is the line where red end and orange begins. The same goes for the other colours on the spectrum.

I am also amazed that we still have the chance to enjoy rainbows. While stuck in traffic, I tried to think and remember if I had seen a rainbow while I was studying abroad. and the answer that came to me was, not that I know of.

Perhaps we still enjoy rainbows here in Brunei because of the clearer and better environment, where the water particles are less contaminated, and clearer to reflect off pure light. But perhaps also, being near the equator ensures plenty of sunlight to reflect the water droplets to get a nice big clear rainbow after a rainy day.

There are many superstitions and also folkore attached to rainbows. The one I remember the most is the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At a younger age, I used to want to find the pot of gold... I still do, but now, I understand its no longer possible...

A rainbow also reminds me that god is fair. He creates a gloom day, with heavy rain (good for some when it does not destroys houses or crops) yet after it is over, we get to enjoy sun and a spectrum of colourful colours across the sky to be enjoyed by all.

I shall remember or try to remember, all 'dugaan' and/or tasks may have beautiful rainbow spectrum at the end of the day.

One thing i know for sure about myself is that i have loads of character flaws. i know everyone have some, but who knows this better than ourselves. At least I think i do.

Of the many flaws i have, there are plenty that i can do to change, and some perhaps i can change with effort, and many others i thought was my strength may be my weakness and disliked by lots around me, but they never say anything, and just accepted it the way i am. But, for how long?

Sitting here alone in my room, i was thinking about this, and it brought a dash of sadness to my heart. I would not want to tolerate 'friends' of their 'bad habits', or at least, I should be able to tell them what i think of them, and how we can change for the better together. But some how, suggestions as such would not really be well recieved.

i have been wondering to myself... what is it that i really want out of life??? can i really achieve it??? Does money really solve or dissolve problems faced now? would it really be able to make me slightly happier?

Would a change in scenary or environment, or work place, contribute to being less 'sad'?

maybe i am taking too much on my plate... but i feel like there is no one to help me and so i have to do it alone... and when it gets too much, i breakdown, and when i do, i have to self repair or the burdeon would be greater.... am i making sense?

I wish you can talk... and that you can tell me that i am crazy or just tell me something to make me feel better...

often i thought that it is not worth trying to change or upgrade myself... as i do not see the benefits of changing... other than to other people than myself... should i even think of being selfish like that...

i wish i can say... with that amount of money, i would want to have this amout of work and responsibility....

I wish i can say... you are hurting my feelings and that was not what i meant...

i wish many things... but i wish the most to be better

monthly update

Would it be such a cliche if i say, I have been busy and do not have time to blog? I guess it is, but then again, its true.

UPDATES:

• I have a GO & FR exam in June that i have not studied for YET! I suspect i would be FAILING terribly.

• There will be a family day in KB on the 6,7,8th of JUNE. Hence, all are invited to come and see what the fuss is all about.

• Have been trying to 'teach' some students on a voluntary basis for their O-Level exams - which ended with me studying as well...

• I have been sick constantly for the past 2 months.. and still coughing and feeling feverish, especially in the afternoons.

• I have promised myself to exercise, instead, i have exercised my mouth muscles with much food, hence the stomach had extended, and weight increased.... MUCH to my dismay, and soon, my doctor's disappointment.

• I have indulged myself in a singing marathon for 2 days, singing my heart out.... without even leaving my room, except for important meals.

• MY phone has been barred as a reason, as i have FORGOTTEN to pay my bills, much to m y sister's dismay as i could not make contact :P

• We had failing e-speed at home, and i had BAD withdrawal symptoms

spread the word...

I volunteered as a stimulated patient (SP) for the 3rd year students in University Brunei Darussalam (UBD) today. It had been fun, though some of the questions asked by the students were quite tricky to answer as they were meant to ask specific questions. There were several times were I had to ask them to repeat their questions, or asked them to be more specific.

One question took me by surprise as I never thought one could be asked the question in that way. He said, "How much did you bleed?" I was like 'huh!?' He said, "Did you bleed like a teaspoon? or a cup?" I could not answer! I was dumbstruck!

Overall, it was an experience, and I would like to do it again. These students are going to come back and provide a service much needed by the people, so why not help them achieve this the best way possible in helping to get them trained! Its all voluntary and as a result I feel that you are giving back to the people and country in positive manner.

It was also during that period this afternoon that I met locals and not so locals but friendly faces that had been working in the medical world of Brunei Darussalam. It was really nice to see familiar faces that had been a big part of my working world until almost 2 years ago.

One of the person I met was, Mr Zul. Infamous local specialist in the field of ENT. He had opened up his own private practice, and heard is doing very well. He, being a nice person he is, still refers patients to the clinic. And when we met up, other than catching up briefly with life, he took the opportunity to discuss some clients of his.

(NB. I met many others, but not to bore you, i shall just mention a couple)

Another person I met was Dr Haji Isham. He is also a local specialist in the field of thoracic surgery. I think that is what he is. Really sorry if i get that wrong. Anyways, we were talking and also catching up. What's interesting in our conversation is that he informed me of 'new' services available in RIPAS Hospital nowadays.

He told me the specific names of the illness, but being a 'bimbo', i did not write it down, or even try to remember it. However, the illness involves a person to have EXCESSIVE sweating of palms especially when s/he is nervous or in an uncomfortable situation that sweat from his/her palms actually DRIPS! or, when s/he has to sign a document, as a result of excessive perspiration of the palm, s/he actually ruins the document!

So far, Dr Haji Isham had conducted 2 such surgeries in Brunei and both were successful. According to him, success rate is very very high, about 95-99%. Although, there are always risks with surgery, hence it is very important to discuss any medical procedures with your doctor. (NOTE: He was the same dr that carried out the surgery on the baby with the heart problem mentioned in the papers a few months ago!)

Dr Haji Isham had given me his blessing and permission to spread the word to others, should you know of anyone with this condition, and would like to improve or just get a coulsultation with him. Should you feel you know anyone whom would like to meet him, please call the Surgical Out-patient clinic in RIPAS hospital, and make an appointment with the man himself. Do be patient as he works between two hospitals; RIPAS and JPMC.

I hope, this entry today is useful to you. Do spread the word.

Isham said something to... he said, we need to show faith in our own people. That we are capable and that we can make a difference. With proper opportunities, we too, can achieve what other countries had achieved, and as a result saves expenses, not only of the governments, but also of the individuals and their family receiving the treatment. Bak kata pepatah, "Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri" The slogan I learnt today was "RIPAS Boleh!"

Tips to Stay Young n Happy Always :)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.. That is why you pay them.



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)


3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.



7 Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.



And if you don't send this to at least four people - who cares???
But do share this with someone!!! Someone you love and care....... right gang!!

What is not good in 'love'?

I was listening to the radio on my way to buy some grocery, after the roadshow today. I did not actually listen to the whole conversation started by the DJ, however, his question posted above as my title grabbed my attention. So, "What is not good in love", I asked myself...

Perhaps, in the initial stages of love, everything seems alright, and that you can make do and live with anything that comes your away. As the feeling starts to 'normalise', you start thinking, "Why did I put up with these behavious?".

I guess, for me, things that are not good while you are in love are (thinking out loud):

• The craving for 'constant' or almost need for attention all the time. The need to be the centre of someone's universe, and to feel as if you are important. This often gives the 'person' wrong impressions that THEY are IMPORTANT, whereas they are as important to others as they treat others. As the saying goes, what goes round, comes round - the promise of life!

• Blindness towards your partners imperfections. Though this may be cute and endearing at the beginning, but its always the little things that really bugs you. However, when you voice out your concerns regarding little annoying habits earlier on the realtionship, 'love' gets in the way and tells you, 'its ok. let him be!"

• Their opinions. I guess, some do sort out the rotten apples before they commit to a relationship. However, some apples do not appear rotten till you get to the inner most core. And sometimes, when that happens, you wonder, "What will happen to me now? Swallow or spit?" (NO PUNS INTENDED!)

• Financial stability. When you are in love, and have no one to support but yourself, you are content with less. However, you tend to complain and see inadequacies with personal or joint funds with the bun in the oven.

• Getting to know the family. It is really awkward for me to know someone, more so getting to know your prospective 'family members' when it is essential to be on good terms with everyone. It is quite stressful - i imagine! This can sometimes lead to 'fake-ness' that may disappoint not just yourself but other parties as well.
  

Different people really do react differently to others and the qualities they are looking for in potential 'love' partners varies, making us different. What is NOT GOOD for me, perhaps may be tolerable to others, or perhaps "WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?" to another. Its all about perception and personal preference. After all, what makes love good is essentially communication between partners....

Important trait(s)

My youngest sister gave me a call as I was having my early dinner at a diner, and I was too lazy to cook reason being having no supply of what ever (fresh food - which reminds me, I need to clean the fridge) in my kitchen at my uncle's. As we were chatting about, one topic jumped at me as it was different and interesting.

She asked if i could name one important trait that her 'future' or 'possible' boyfriend should have. I told her to give me time while we continue to chat. I finally resolved to 'him' having good sense of humour. Apparently, others (immediate family members) think the same. What can i say, brilliant minds think the same :)

As this topic came up, I remembered my earlier entry a couple months ago, where I spoke of what I wanted in my 'man', dedicated to meddling family members. Its safe enough to say, I stick by what I thought I wanted and needed. Though the list may sound like impossible, and others may read in aghast, but.... *wink* someone out there fits :)

Youth and me

Recently, I participated in the first Brunei's Youth Congress. I feel it went rather well (the discussion bit), though it ended with a bit in an anti-climax feeling for me. There were many there, though the quality of participation is something else entirely! But, I have to give credit when its due, and for the first time, it is quite okay. Perhaps relevant agencies will learn from their first experience to make future congress better and more interactive and relevant with good if not better facilitators.

I was lucky, in a way that i was selected to speak on a topic where i had some ideas. others were not so lucky where they had to discuss a topic new and foreign to them, such as youth and employment. Only if you are of a certain age and maturity would you tend to think in that direction. Otherwise, its something younger youths dismiss and leave for relevant and older authorities to plan, and resolve!

Being around other youths and thinking of one particular topic for a few days is NOT ENOUGH to come to a conclusion of what is needed by the youths and the country. In fact, I believe the few days we had to discuss the topics were really limited and just the tip of an iceberg of what we can really think and achieve from... there are so many things to learn... so many things to absorb and many other things to learn to comprehend.

I throughly enjoyed my day in the limelight and exercise in public speaking. It was fun and exhilarating. I recieved many nice compliments and i will treasure them always :)

Perhaps, working in an environment where I can use that talent would be great. Do you see me as a public speaker? motivator? or teaching public speaking?

On second thoughts, I should really LEARN how to do it better before TEACHING others of ONLY what i think is best! :P heheheheh... even if experience is a poweful tool, knowledge is very useful ;)