Weddings

sigh... I have nothing against Weddings, but i just dislike attending.

I hate the waiting. I hate the not-doing-anything while waiting, i
hate the long queque when eating, i hate the heat, i hate almost
everything about it. I hate difficulties finding parking.
(Occasionally, i like the food)

However, I attend several weddings a year. Those are of family
members and friends. I attend these mostly without complaints :P
hahahaha...

What can i say... Weddings and me don't go along well... oooo... one
more thing i dislike about weddings is the dressing up... and people
competing to look their bestest - hence out with the most expensive
materials, accessories and more... ARGH... is there anything good that
comes out of weddings?

Having said, that... i hate parties as well... sigh... so perhaps, I
am not a social animal.

are we friendly?

I recently was introduced to this Malaysian man (from my Laotian
friend from my times on board of the youth ship) whom is going to work
in brunei for at least 2 years. He is a hotellier in town.

Many avid readers would remember reading my blog entry a few months
ago soon after my transfer... I was very lonely and alone in a new
place, despite it being my country and speaking the same language and
eating the same food. I was lonely because i was without company... no
one to talk to... no one to actually laugh with and share thoughts and
more...

I am a local and I have much problem befriending people 'socially'...
not professionally... Imagine a foreigner, whom just started work in
brunei... a place so different from his busy life, alone, lonely and
without transportation. If you were this man... how would you feel?

how would you feel being this man... then.. having no one to talk
to... and having no avenu to meet up people.... He said something to
me that strike me.... I have thought of it before but dismissed it...
He said, he went to Coffee Bean, a place essentially to socialise but
people were busy showing off their lap top and not easy to penetrate
to strike a conversation...

I know how it feels like to be abroad in a strange land in a different
environment.. also having no one to talk to... I also know how it
feels like to be alone and lonely in Brunei. The second is more
miserable, because there is nothing much to do here, and with family
or friends... you do not have a life and slowly rot...

So my question is... are we that unfriendly that we cannot put
ourselves in their position and befriend them? are we so wrapped up in
our own problems that we do not see others? Are we that unfriendly
that we can't even offer our friendship or just offer some company to
people working to build our country? Are we that unsociable???

--
Friendship is the heart of so many special joys.

Relationships... and growing old... maybe just thoughts..

I was in bed, woke up with pain localised in my left wrist. It has been there for the past few days but this time, its worse. I am going to see "John" about it. He is my magician... he makes the painful bit go away and bearable. and i need it .. i can't even turn off the tap without wincing...

and today, is the 13th of July... the last day as a 29 years old. I am not sure how I turned out to be... based on others expectations of me... but i like to believe though I can be lazy, aloof and likes to be on my own, I have turned to be a nice, occasionally considerate and kind person. Events over the year had light some doubts on my character, and i have been through personal anguish of 'have I done the right thing'... however, if there is one thing i learnt over the years..."never regret your actions once you have decide". and i won't... and I shall live with it.

With aging comes maturity... and i hope i have that. I have been told i am mature beyond my years... perhaps some would disagree... This year, people taught me not to 'trust' others... i have, disclosed several personal events to some only to have it flaunted back at me in anger... twisted in a way that made me look like a vilan. TRUST is one of those thing that should only be given to a few regardless of blood relation, hence... its a lesson i learnt the hard way this year the past month or so...

with aging, comes grey hairs... and i have them before my 28th birthday. I keep them to remind me of my fastly aging process and to mature... also a reminder of death to come... Nothing so ghastly comes to mind, but just a reminder to be nice through out the day... (If i start the day with looking at the mirror - which i often don't... my haid doesn't need much combing and live without being brushed for a few weeks).

With aging comes wrinkles... I am not that worried about wrinkles. I am blessed to have few around the eyes. Looking through old and present pictures, i can definately see maturity... however, these changes dont bother me much. Having said that, i am trying to slab on moisturiser and sunblock to protect the skin against risks of skin cancer...

With aging comes back pains, increasingly often headaches, restless night, nightmares... painssss throughout the body and more. Shame on me because i have not been maintaininng a fully functioning body as it should... however, that could be something I may work on. Body image has never been an issue with me. I cannot care more of how i should look like... I can't even bother to exercise. when clothes dont fit, i find something that does. plus... i'm a doormat. the only time i am really out there is at work. however, i would like to focus on the health aspect of body image... I am not saying i would.... but something i can look into... i really hate stress... i FLIP!!

With each birthdays... Questions of "when?"... "have you got one?"... "Introductions?"... "Your are old enough to have one.. you should start trying to find one" is the more popular ones now... and another one is.."its for your future... someone to look after you in your old age" They are obviously talking about relationships.

Its not that i do not want a relationship.. its just that i had a few and it left me with a 'BAD AFTER TASTE'. Plus, i am not exactly in a field infested by men... My life as it is now, does not give me room to know men. I dont enjoy socialising (as you can read from STPRI reunion) Also.. i see a lot of relationships around me crumbling... what started with laughter, love turned to be bitter filled with hate. not to mention the constant bickering about what had happened.. what partner has not pull their own weight... and more... its just a nightmare and TOO much more for me...

I have seen people staying together despite their differences for several reasons. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn;t... and the worst is to stay in a relationship:
1. for your children
2. (abusive relationship) because you can't move away
3. to potray a 'happy' image to fool others
4. because you dont have the money to be independent
5. because you are afraid to be alone
6. afraid of being a single parent.
7. because you have invested a lot in the relationship.

I obviously do not know what it is like to be in a bad relationship. Though the few i had wasn;t successful, the men weren't evil. however, i am subjected to stories of bad relationships everyday and then them telling how they have suffered, how they tried to stay patient... how they sacrificed their hapiness for their kids and more... don;t they know... if they are not happy, the kids aren;t too... i feel like shouting... GET A DIVORCE on top of my lungs. i can;t do that, can i? however, I am known to lose my cool... and when i do.. I am afraid i would say something i may regret...

Its Friday the 13th... I am not afraid. I would be 30 tomorrow... so happy birthday to me... I dont feel like celebrating... I dont want a cake... i do, however want sincere prayers... To being a good person with god in her heart and step! Amin!

Abang Erwan's Birthday

It was supposed to be a suprise birthday dinner.... and we were not
even supposed to park in front of the restaurant.. to draw him away
from the suprise... (This birthday party was planned by kak Neza, i am
sure, weeks before the birthday)

I almost went to the wrong branch of the restaurant... but was
sensible enough to make a call to confirm the place... but i made a
U-turn from the highway. No biggie... wan't that far off..

Everyone was starving while waiting for birthday boy (and girl - it
was also Hartini's birthday!) I was suprised when i entered the
building. Thought I was late... but someone was, as usual, more
fashionably late. Even more suprise to see a table of unfamiliar
people next to the family's table - they turned out to be abang's
friends...

When he entered the building and approached the table as he was
ascending from the stairs, we sang him a birthday song. it was
horrible with lots of pitch problems but it was loud :) he was
suprised... but he suspected something because he saw my car... but he
pushed the car sighting because he thought I came shopping for
supplies - phew!

We started eating.. and we gobbled up al the food on the table...
there were plenty.. enough to feed an army of hungry soilders -
literally!!! hahahaha... anywaysss....

as soon as we finished, the singing waiterssss started singing. It was
fun.... we all enjoyed it... I enjoyed it in particular. we all sang
along... not that we know the words to it.. we just sang the chorus.

We even involved the chinese table next to us... We didn't know
them.... they loved it but others were not happy with us, for example,
the Malay family that left early :P hahahahaha...

I was singing on top of my lungs... i was singing up to everything
they sang that i know... even if just humming.... and loudly despite
the horrible pitch :) hahaha... the table next to us (Abang's table)
was laughing and wondering who that loud and carzy person was...

Hartini (the birthday girl, whom was also a collegue) was also
suprised by the change in demenour :) hahahaha... never mind :) work
and home personality should be different :) and i need to let go..

The birthday party made me realise:
1. family, however annoying and painful to be with, are important.
Just distant yourself from poisonous ones.. i know i am going to keep
my distance.
2. to have people to share life with is special
3. i enjoy being silly
4. i like singing silly
5. i have not laughed in a long time
6. i'm starving from good conversations...

New look

Dear Family members,

If you have been to where i live, you will know the state... and so,
when i tell you it has a new CLEANER look, you may not believe it...
but believe me...

We have new garages at the sides of the house where boats and cars are
sheltered. I even have a shaded parking space...

You wont believe it, and i also didn't the first thing i woke up this
morning.. but there is t his HUGE clean SPACE just infront of the
house and below the house... things are just a bit neater, despite the
same about he stores.

However, we are only talking about what is cosmetic... on the outside.
the insides - still the same *wink*

well... we win some,... we lose some...

NB: Blog about
1. Abang's birthday
2. Relationships (scary)

STPRI Reunion

I paid $30 to get my ticket to the reunion, and I thought it would be
a reunion. Obviously, the committee members are yet to understand the
word "reunion" as they seem to have different ideas of what this means
and signify.

I thought I would have time to mingle, chat, exchange stories,
reminisce old times with other friends or just known faces from the
years I was in school... but instead, we sat down, and looked at the
stage, not knowing what is happening, just like I was a student again.
In that sense, I have never left school!!!

I was under the impression that there would be more video shows,
slides and footage, not only from the 1960's but also across the years
of the golden jubilee... I was gravely mistaken. The show started
well, with a little song and play from the oldest batch to the current
students of STPRI. But too much of the same things get old FAST.

What saddens me even more is that, 'normal' ex-students of the school,
the ones without the "D's" in front of their names were not asked how
they envisaged the reunion to be or what they would like to contribute
to the reunion. What D's you ask... isn't that obvious... the Datins,
Datin Padukas, Drs, Directors and more...

I mean, just because we are not in the same ELITE group as they are,
WE, the other EX-STPRI girls do contribute to the nation's development
and growth. I mean, we should at least have a role to play in our own
reunion... NOTHING! We just sat and enjoy, a not so joyous play
executed (not by any of the other students BUT the current
students)...

The idea may be there... and effort were seen, however, I fail to
understand why it was all song and dance and play... where were the
mingling – the true essence of a reunion! I didn't even had the chance
to mingle with my mum's and aunts' friends... like see who their
friends are... what they had been up to and more... THAT would have
been an even more exciting reunion, than the dull show they exhibited.

Another issue that was raised by the others was "where did the money
go?" The decoration was kept to a minimum... food was at most $7 per
head. We had a gift bag with a program book (with no pictures of the
classes we attended except for organizer!) We had two square biscuits
each and a yassin. We also each had a golden jubilee mug.

None of my own classmates attended the function. I was the only one
representing class of 2A-5A (1990-1993). There was, however, another
lady that was in the same class as me in Form 1B (1989) – we chatted
briefly!

I felt I had wasted my afternoon... more so, I wasted $30 that could
have been spent on my petrol. I wasn't a happy bird, but the feeling
I gather, so were the others... Perhaps the right 'people' could have
looked into it...

PS: If it was up to me, I probably would set up alumni... and perhaps,
alumni that meet up once a year, or that could be 'motivational'
speakers to future generation of Brunei. We could have also set up an
alumni blog that can exchange gifts or cards or memories... or.. the
alumni could set up a cooperation business like (PGGMB) and many
more... sigh... this is the voice of a disappointed ex-student

PPS: I didn't even get to see or even meet any of my previous
teachers... How do I get in touch with them and say THANK YOU... how
do I say, I APPRECIATED YOUR HELP... how do I finally say "I
UNDERSTAND and Thank you for staying by us!" how do I even tell
them... look, I turned out GOOD, and you helped shape that! You made a
difference and you mattered.

Cluster headache

My youngest sister and I had a brief chat over the phone several days
ago chatting about my headaches...

She thinks i may have cluster headaches... she asked several questions
and answers I gave her seems to fit.

However, my mum raised the issue of "jerebu" and i think... that is
what may have happened to me. In the comforts of my room - no
headache. Outside the protection of the clinic and aircon -
headaches+++ Mystery solved :P (I don't have to like the answer but it
is what it is)

Today is Abang Erwan's birthday :) and Eva Longoria's wedding day :)
happy happy happy to both :P :)

As for me, I am watching a bit of the Diana's concert - Kelurusan its
the music from the plays she love... i love the music as well... I
love Sara Brightman, Josh Groban, and more... sigh...

If i can have any birthday present in the world (logistics and money
not an issue), I want this.... I want to watch CATS (the musical) in
London *sigh*

i have a headache

i dunno what is wrong.. but i have HEADACHES...

Its pounding... its throbbing.... its all frontal... and medial of the head... then... its all around...

Its not my eyes...

Its not my blood pressure....

Its not my cholesterol (thought it can be lower)

Its not stress (i have more stress than this... I am actuallynot doing anything at work... just working and the usual)

What is wrong with me?

I even have this queasiness...

I am definately NOT pregnant!!!