My "relationship"...

What do I want in a relationship? Do I want a relationship? What is a relationship? Many of my friends are involved with another human being... and so are a few of my family members... Somehow they are happy and seemed to be happy and wanting to stay in the relationship... But do I?

For many years, I thought this is not the thing for me... for many years I have been afraid to be swallowed into the "trap"... I have seen what the danger of losing yourself makes you... or change you... and I have seen the product of betrayal... trust me... I was bitten several times that makes me much more wary to these natural high of feelings that are overwhelming...

I am not sure I am capable of opening up like that again... only to know what your brain already told you to be aware of... to open your heart to things again and to be hurt again is not a pain I think i can handle...

But not having someone to talk to, to share with, to laugh with or simply be silly with is equally heart wrenching... It feels very lonely to be alone and not have someone you can "share" with... Feeling like you are the only person you can talk to is simply "sad"...

What is a relationship? To me, a relationship is when 2 people spend enough time together that they would be able to think and see through each other's eyes . It is also when 2 individuals are enhanced and enlightened in it... where you learn something new everyday... It is also a period of self-learning and enhancing your better qualities... To have someone to love, to share things and to talk about things etc. Those are also what I want in a relationship... I want to grow... to learn... to absorb... to be a partner in all matters... to be able to have a say and solve any problem that comes along... relationship is about sharing and solving any tumble you take together or separately as an individual.

I pondered serveral times over this for a few months last year since an incident that traumatised me a bit... and at that time, I realised that i was actually ready for a full relationship... not the type that is just "lets see where this goes..." but the type that is " Yes sweetheart... when?" So do I want a relationship? The answer is YES.

Just a few weeks ago, a friend from my past texted me frequently. We "went out" in the past... but it didn't work out... but he requested for a second chance... I thought about it... and I said "yes"...

Do we hang all our laundry in public? Do all have to know? If you are interested, you would email me and/or text me and ask.... any questions on the tag board will not be entertained... ;)

I live in Brunei and this is a long public holiday... We have 2 days off for Chinese New year and Hijrah (the new year according to the muslim calender), one happening after another. A lot of people are looking forward to this break plus that it co-incides with January's pay check and also the annual bonus. Life and shopping in Brunei is crazy at the moment.

The roads are congested i am sure... People rushing to shop because they have money and there are bazaars everywhere... then there are the people celebrating the chinese new year... buying what they need and others buying gifts to bring to the open houses... AGAIN... there is HIJRAH and the mulims celebrating it in a big way... MORE shopping... Not to mention weddings... People just cannot resist public holidays to have weddings...

To me, this holiday is boring because i haven't planned anything... All i do is sit at home, watch TV and be bored... eat, sleep and poo. I should have planned what i wanted to do, so i wont be deadly bored. There are plenty of books to read, and god knows i brought work home to do, but i just cannot bring myself to carry them out. I am so bored that i don't get out of bed until it is very late.

Do you know a lot of us get married at an early age without knowing what you are getting into... Hence the divorce rate in Brunei is on the high.... They have also failed to pay attention during the pre-wedding talk hence not knowing what they are getting into, the laws or their rights... I think its such a stupid thing to do since you pay a lot of money for the weddding itself, you might as well try and make it work... But then, If you are in a failing or abusive marriage, then i suggest you get out of it. If you don't, you may suffer or worse, if you have kids... they are the one that would suffer the most! Fine if you want to try therapy, but being wise is knowing when to call it a day!

Why am i talking about marriage??? I wanted to talk about glowing... but not on this entry i suppose or it would ruin everything with its negativity...

This is the year of the dog and it is supposed to be a fairly good year for the snake and that is me... My health may be a bit "not good" but when is it ever 100%??? he he he he... and i may get into trouble with the law... somethinng to do with my driving... so those of you who sits in my car, i insists you wear a safty belt. and i was said to keep to my budget and not to spend so much on my loved ones... so sisters... sorry... no free anything this year!!! and lastely, apparently someone likes the snake and have so for sometime but is afraid to tell them... CLUES were said to be given... and have to be interpreted... so whom ever like the snakes ... out with it as this snake is a bit though to interpret signs...

AND BURT... it also said that we should worry less about our loved ones as they can take care of themselves... and it is a good advice for you and me to heed... kind of gives ourselves a break and not worry over every cough... the horoscope also said that we have "fear" of makinng mistakes especially that of our past... but then, there is no guarentee or a sure thing every time... risks are everywhere... we are not to rush into things IF we are not ready... *hugs* and the above applies to you too, you know... and since you have the new book, you can update me on what is supposed to happen soon...

The snake is most compatiple with an Ox and Rooster. But not so with the Tiger, Pig, Horse and Monkey. Isn't this very interestinng to learn... There are many sites where you can find out about your chinese horoscopes as well as compatibility... Its just interesting to read even if you do not believe in it... *wink*

okay... ani saja dulu for now... kan banyak cakap pun I would be rambling very much... and ani pun sudah cakap kosong saja... oh well.. happy reading... next time, i would write about something i am sure everyone would love to know about... and perhaps be suprised... including myself... its self-learning experience....

I am thinking of what to write for my blog... I even have to read 2 other blogs and ask someone for an opinion on what to write about... Its not that i am lacking ideas of what to write... its just that its all random thoughts and they come by very fast that sometimes i miss them.... I really need paper and pen kept by my side at all times so i can remember what i want to write about...

Looking at other sites and from talking to a friend, i see that there are several things i can write about... Since i have a new niece, I can talk about her and pregnancy or not wanting to. Then there is asking people about they think about you. My sister did that and she got lots of comments :0 it was really good :) But then, my site is not so popular so probably won't do that! :P Then... there is always the famous Burt topic... "movies" or lack of it... but then... I can talk about mundane things that happened in my life like WORK :P A person suggested that I write about celebrating Valentine's day for muslims... Which i thought was a good idea nearer to the day...

So what am i really gonna talk about? I dunno now... I am spoilt for choice.... and its been some time since i rambled freely on my own blog. Its quite healthy talking to yourself especially in the third person. There is no psychologist to analyse you... no psychiatrist offering you to stay in the mental health unit.... no one judging you...

My cousin gave birth to another baby girl (her second) on 19th January 2006. She is just cute... She was born 3.52 kg. Much smaller in size compared to her big sister but i assure you not her lungs. Her name is Marsya Batrisya. I hope I spelled her name right! Since the birth of Marsya... and with my younger cousins engaged and in serious relationships, the topic of babies and being married and pregnant is something that is always there... The are even talks of not having any or having a few only or talks about pain during delivery...

I mean.... men don't really think about all these things... but the girls do.... They do talk about it... i know my friends talk about it in the clinic... they even compare notes... sometimes i feel like i am in a tutorial... i know enough i think... It sounds painful so of course it feels like HELL...

But people do have kids... Having kids are huge responsibilities... its not just one of those things that you fancy having in life and have nothing to do with it after awhile... it changes your life and your relationship to others permanently! It changes you permanently... not to mention the heartaches and the lack of sleep you encounter as they grow up....

When is the right age of having kids? How many should you have? Do you have to keep aside a budget and reflect on your montly income or just have them like rabbits and give them up for adpotion? I mean... some people do....

There is no right or wrong answer to the above question... its all a matter of what feels right for you but personally i do not mind having lots of sisters but it would have been nice to be more financially stable... not that we were not...

There are also a lot of people that could not afford to have kids more than one but then complain that they could not afford to keep up the lifestyle... or end up giving their children up for adoption... I do feel that there is something called family planning or condoms that they can use to prevent such things... sorry for being crude but i'm passionate about this... argh... i'm sure its okay... Islam is a beautiful religion and i am sure he has thought of this even before we started asking!!! DIG into it...

Some people who are not meant to be parents should not have them. I feel that all individuals should have a psychological evaluation to find out if they are fit to have kids... I am talking about emotional scarring... Physical and mental abuse...

Parenting classes as well as an openness to this topic should be given thought... Its such a toboo to talk about parenting... why is that so? Some of us are fortunate as they have the kind of parenting that you would call "lax" but others have this parenting style that is different that leaves scars deeper than skin deep.

With the way the world is moving around nowadays, maybe not having a child is a good idea. But not having one means emptiness in your soul... But having one only means jeopardising his/her life... or not having a future you imagined or dream he/she should have...

When i was younger, I never questioned that i would be married. But as i grow older and more bitter, perhaps a bit mature, its a status i am beginning to appreciate many not happen. And not being married means not having kids and that means sparing me of the pain and blah blah blah.... but it also means deprivation of one's joy in this temporary life! BUT again, when i was younger, it was just part of life that i expected to happen to me too because its what happen to everyone...

What I am trying to go on about here is that life is not as you expected it to be. It changes all the time and we need to adapt to it well. Just because I thought I would be married and have kids does not mean I would. And just because I would have kids does not mean I would be able to keep them comfortably hence the question of how many... and just having them does not mean you are a PARENT!

I don't mean to profess that I would be a good PARENT... all I am saying is there is more to being a parent than providing money, shelter and blah blah blah... there is this thing we always seem to neglect... emotional and mental growth!!!

There are a few of these people out there... they apprear to be normal but inside they are screwed up. It takes a lot of effort to open up, to try, to believe, to trust, to learn to accept without being shun and more... are these the type of parents and parenting we have? emotional and mental blackmail?

I would like to have kids or be a parent if I am given the opportunity to be one but I am afraid I would be a failure... I am afraid I won't be able to provide them with the best... I am afraid of coming short... Am I ready? Am I capable?

Not a lot of people know and i do not disclose this information to everyone, but my maternal family has a stong history of cancer. Name it... we most probably have it. My own mum has been lucky so far... so are her siblings. However, my late grandfather is not so lucky.

He is a chinese man... strong believer in the old and traditional ways... He suffered a prostate cancer of which remains "dead" after it has been treated. But as he grew older... he suffered from another type of cancer that had robbed him of many of his family members... He had "stomach cancer" also known as carcinoma of the stomach.

Earlier on, when he was diagnosed to have this, we were very upset... but i think he knew from the very beginning. It also did not helped the way the news was broken to us by the rudest man on earth and sad to say is still working in the hospital. A lot of people respected him but not me or my family. If he doesn't die in the most miserable way or treated the same way as he did my grandfather... then life is not fair! But he will definately rot in hell and with that thought, i live each day i see his face!

An operation was carried out to remove the cancerous cells... The doctors were not certain if it had spread... No further treatment was offered with the reason that he is old and frail. I was even more upset as i think he can survive it as he is a strong man despite his age. But the same argument was given again and again...

A few years AFTER my suggestion, strangely enough, the oncologists decided why not try radiotherapy and chemotherapy... LIKE Isn't he much older and frailer than when i first suggested it? Why now??? ARGH!!! Sometimes i believe people that work in the hospital are lacking EMPATHY!!!!! ARGH!!! What is wrong with everyone???

He undergone treatment in KL in 2003. My uncles looked after him... I went to see him with my mum during the Hari raya... By that time, he was half the size of the man he used to be... his mind remained sharp! It was really heart wrenching.... and things went wrong while he was there too... sigh.... when i think and reflect back, all i want to do is just SCREAM!

He has been not well in 2005 before i even leave for the youth ship... but it was when i was in the ship's program that he was hospitalised. He must have been very unwell as he hated to be brought to the hospital and i really understand him... He was deteriorating... he was very unwell... and he knows it too...

He passed on last saturday 14th January 2006. It was very emotional... Though death is unevitable, when it come slapping on your face... it kind of shocks you and throws you off balance. I know my grand and I have differences especially in what ways he had been treated or the treatmment he should get but he is my grandfather all the same. "Keras Kepala" runs in the family.

I haven't thanked all the staff of ward 22 for the help they extended to my grandfather and family members... I am sad by all these... but i am sure my aunts and uncles are sadder... If we think and believe that he is no longger in pain, isn't that helpful to each the pain of loss?

One of his greatnephew said to my mum and i was listening... "We should be happy that he lived to be this old... happy we should... not sad..." What say you?

life manual...

Do you ever wish that you were born with a comprehensive manual on how to live life... that would include what to do in awkard situations, troubles you dig yourself into, love and relationships with people and more...

I often wonder and wait for this amazing manual to be written by an exceptional individual so that all of us can live life in an ordely manner... and that we do not have to second guess what is coming next...

How many of us ever wondered if we should console a friend in crisis but should we butt ourself in and console them or do we respect their privacy and give them space and walk away? Another senario is what should we do if we are in "love"? Do we hang around our love all the time or do we meet once a day or once a week? Do we meet their family early on or should we wait? How and when are you sure that the person is the "one"?

Sigh... i've read somewhere that you need to go through life's experiences to be wise... and that somethings are worth the risks while other risks are not worth it at all... but if we do not take any risk, we can never possibly tell what could have happen... Won't this dilema be solved if only we are born with a manual?

There are times when i am sick and tired of second guessing what others are doing or thinking. For once, i would like to do something knowing that is what i am supposed to be doing and this is the reaction I am getting... Sometimes, having something predictable does not seem so bad at all!

However, predictability do mean monotonous life... a life that have been carefully planned and we should follow plans and there would be plenty of rules to follow and obey! That could be suffocating! Not no mention the riots it would create amongst the "teenagers"...

Given the freedom to make life what you wish it to be or what you want it to be is beautiful. However, there are several things that humans follow that gives us a sense of direction... and that is religion and moral values. But those that do not obey them makes lives of other people hell... Why do they do that? Do they get a kick from being hated?

I am not sure what i want... a manual (sometimes, especially when i am stuck in a situation where i do not know what to do) or be different and original... where i get into trouble but gain a lot of experience from it... But what ever it is... I would still try to live my life to the best... but it would have been easier with help... and i am sure i am not the only one thinking the same things...

magic seven...

I was reading Burt's blog for the first time since I got back. It has lifted faces so many times and he is new to this site!!! This is one thing he said i should do... so here goes...

a) Seven things that makes me smile
1. babies smiling
2. old people holding hands
3. good grades
4. something scarstic that nobody gets
5. mr. bean
6. money
7. happy people

b) Seven ways to win my heart
1. big heart
2. kindness
3. thoughtfulness
4. charming
5. caring
6. honesty
7. NO SMOKING AND SPITTING

c) Seven things i believe in
1. god
2. prophet mohammad
3. instinct
4. my family
5. my friends
6. Islam
7. myself

d) seven things that i am afraid of that are blah
1. lizards
2. lizards
3. lizards
4. lizards
5. lizards
6. lizards
7. lizards

e) seven things i do everyday
1. sleep
2. eat
3. drink
4. smile
5. pray (TRY TO!)
6. bowel movementsss ;)
7. watch TV

f) Seven people i want to see right now
1. Robert Downey Jr. (he's a dream)
2. George Micheal - SIGH!!!
3. Archie Andrews
4. Shirley McClain
5. My uni friends
6. Nenek Laki
7. Becky Bloomwood

g) seven people who should also do this
1. Anyone who is reading this
2. anyone that fancy doing it
3. baby
4. i'm really sad.. i don't know who else reads my BLOG :P
5. ...
6. ...
7. ...

STUPID MEN!!!

What peeve me off the most are people that do not carry their responsibilities to a tee as have been trusted upon them!!! I hate people whom complain about the responsibilities trusted on them as they have earlier agreed upon... Why do you want to have certain "status" when you know you are not capable to handle it??

In the youth ship, there were a lot of individuals that were asked to be responsible? Why do you even have to ask them to be more responsible when they already know they have to be? If they know they are not capable... why do you want to be the HEAD???

Stupid man with HUGE ego are not supposed to be allowed to LIVE!!! Kill them when they are young as they do not grow to the a PAIN in the ARSE! I hate people like that!!! what more can i say without drying and hanging the dirty ugly laundry out for all to see... ARGH! DEATH TO STUPID MEN!!!