I had dinner with B. He even picked me up, knowing i live so far. I should not make it a habit. That is clearly taking advantage of a friend.

B was a nice distraction i need to be away from my own thoughts. and I am much better at trying to solve other's problems than my own.

I guess I am a loner in nature. Despite having many people in my surroundings to talk to, I often opt to be on my own, keep my own counsel, be quiet etc. I let a few in into my 'world' or 'shell'. But those I let and allow an insight into my world, well, they had undergone a 'personal' screening to see if they are suitable, and most importantly, a 'like' soul... This often makes me look like a private person... so be it.

I have always thought I am an easy going person, i listen well (though there are times i fight opinions, but that is just the way things are), i am agreeable most times, NOT very demanding, and VERY reasonable. These are strengths in character, i thought...

Until recently, I share a special relationship with someone. But for sometime now, things had been 'rough' for me. F, is however, a nice person. Relationship is especially hard for me. I take time to 'accept and bond' but when i do, i am exclusive. So when it fails, it really kills me. I breakdown just like everyone, if not worse. I lose self confidence. I start to have self doubts. Building up again is very hard. Some people see this tough persona in me... Do i really give that impression?

As you get older, more invested in relationships, it gets harder. I do not remember it to be so merciless. Maybe it was... People do tend to forget pain, and look in life of the positive experiences. It keep spirits high and allows you to move on... eventually.

I often ask myself, do i sabotage my own 'relationships' because of life experiences I had??? So before it fails on me, signs of cracks make me cave in? Do i have an innate desire to fail at this all the time because i know the ending will not be good? Am i afraid to commit?? or do i just suck at the whole thing? I don't know the answers....

Friday the 13th was said to be the unluckiest day. Historically, many evil things were said to have happened involving witches and warlocks. Nowadays, its just deemed unlucky.

A couple of years ago, I heard on the radio that people believe less and less of this. However, people believed Monday and the 27th or 29th is most unlucky. They actually did a study on this.

Did you know that RIPAS Hospital do not have Ward 13! maybe 'they' believed in it long time ago... superstition.

Today, I am just unwell. Had to decline an offer to meet friends. besides, i sound like a frog that has voice problem. And cough everytime i speak. Not good.

I just realised that the dr did not give me any antibiotics this time!!!

I am officially sick - my head feels like a huge load of truck is sitting on it, and occasionally, an axe just hit it, my tummy throws up food and nutrition i try to ingest, the nose blocks my air and my voice is as rough as nails on a wooden slate!

I went to see a dr today, and without asking, i was offered a sick cert - shows you how sick i am. I even met an old friend, whom also commented on how 'wonderful' i looked.

I have been sick the 'whole' year more than i have been healthy. I had spoken to the 'girls' at work about reducing some of my workload. I saw unhappy faces, responses and these were expected but disappointing at the same time.

I think working and living had taken its toll on this obese body! 'It' is just tired and wants to give up!

It is so easy to give up and give in to dark feelings i have, always just there, but no one else can see it or feel it. Its harder and more effort full to just try and be strong, confident, wanting to move on, change, be happy, be positive ... very very hard. Unless you have been in a dark place, what you think you feel are nothing of that the real thing.

Today is my niece's birthday. Hannah turns 6 today. A big girl. Mummy is giving her a treat to a Japanese restaurant, one of her favourite food. Since i am unwell, and do not want to spread this viral disease, i decided to decline the invitation. but, i wish her all the best. and most importantly HAPPY BIRTHDAY! *wink* she has a birthday present from me.... some that has been waiting for a few months now :)

Yesterday was Maulud Nabi - birthday of the prophet. It was a public holiday in Brunei. Some went to the streets and walked a procession. Its done annually, especially on the birth of the prophet.

The family and I - well... we had 'lunch' and discussed a secret lengthily. It was a good thing, because I did not want to be alone.

Today, I am SICK! yes... sick again. I guess this was my own doing... Maybe i deserved to be sick... I wish Frank would call me... I wish i can hear his voice... i wish we can talk...

I was watching tv a few days ago. There was a competition of speech in Bahasa Melayu. This was carried out in Malaysia. Many countries joined. It was very interesting. Though I did not watch from the beginning, but what i saw was very impressive. There was a russian lady that spoke Malay fluently that I thought was brilliant. Accent was few and far in between detected. Idioms of the language, idiosyncrasies were also good!

The international participants wowed mee. They really blew me over. One in particupar, the winner of the competition, a Cambodian man. He was tiny that the clothes he put on was swimming on him. I immediatrly felt sorry for him. But when he started talking, I knew he was the winner. He was just charismatic :) Well done!

I was, however, dissapointed with the masters of ceremony. They should not have chosen him. He was obviously a bad choice. I was thinking.... Brunei would have never have a problem filling in gaps while waiting for the judges decision!!! Poorly done.

Another dissapointment was the gift certificate ceremony and the announcement of winners!!! It was OBVIOUS they did not have any rehearsal of such ceremonies as they were clueless of what to do! I felt sorry, not only for the participants whom made a fool of themselves, but also the dignitaries on the stage, while they helped to unconfuse participants, but making a mess! This clearly would not happen here, as this is one of the major event that would be rehearsed more than once, and getting protocol right is imparative in our culture!

On the whole, participants were amazing. Poor master of ceremony, and lack of organisation and rehearsal of events!

By the way, Brunei won 3rd place :)

Looking back...

Looking back, i was most expressive... i write a lot. I cry a lot. Anger and frustrations were evident, too! Now, i write less. What happened to me?

Looking back, entries were witty, challenging, heart-wrenching... Have I lost it?

Looking back, pictures were aplenty. Now, you'd be lucky!

Looking back, I had so much hopes, desires... Now, entries are more sad... Have I changed?

Looking back, emotions were on the high. There is always some issues close to heart. Am I being more sedentary?

Looking back, did i ever imagined me to be this?

Looking back, did you ever think I would be 'this'?