I guess I am a loner in nature. Despite having many people in my surroundings to talk to, I often opt to be on my own, keep my own counsel, be quiet etc. I let a few in into my 'world' or 'shell'. But those I let and allow an insight into my world, well, they had undergone a 'personal' screening to see if they are suitable, and most importantly, a 'like' soul... This often makes me look like a private person... so be it.

I have always thought I am an easy going person, i listen well (though there are times i fight opinions, but that is just the way things are), i am agreeable most times, NOT very demanding, and VERY reasonable. These are strengths in character, i thought...

Until recently, I share a special relationship with someone. But for sometime now, things had been 'rough' for me. F, is however, a nice person. Relationship is especially hard for me. I take time to 'accept and bond' but when i do, i am exclusive. So when it fails, it really kills me. I breakdown just like everyone, if not worse. I lose self confidence. I start to have self doubts. Building up again is very hard. Some people see this tough persona in me... Do i really give that impression?

As you get older, more invested in relationships, it gets harder. I do not remember it to be so merciless. Maybe it was... People do tend to forget pain, and look in life of the positive experiences. It keep spirits high and allows you to move on... eventually.

I often ask myself, do i sabotage my own 'relationships' because of life experiences I had??? So before it fails on me, signs of cracks make me cave in? Do i have an innate desire to fail at this all the time because i know the ending will not be good? Am i afraid to commit?? or do i just suck at the whole thing? I don't know the answers....