It has been some time, and a fe has been asking me to write some more... what can i say.... life has stood still?

I've always looked forward to working... never moan or groan to go to work... just hate to wake up in the morning... but doing the work.. seeing patients... I have never grumbled first thing in the morn... Now... I go to work, i work and i go home... clockwork...

I have turned into the person i was accused of... not caring... and now no one cares that i don't care... they leave me alone... when i cared... everyone was on my case as to why I do not make more of an effort... and now that i have proved to them, unlike before, that i do not care... they do nothing... why?

So maybe a move is good for me afterall... so maybe god knows what's going to happen before you even sniffed what is going to happen... everything happened for a reason right...

I was waiting for my boss downstairs today... i was waiting outside my building... It was just a few minutes...

IN that few minutes, i was looking around... I saw...

a frail old man with both his legs amputated waiting for his ride... and with him was his daughter or daughter-in-law. When his son came along... he greeted him with a warm smile and lifted him into the car... no grumbling... no moans...

another person i saw was this young lady... she is always in the hospital.. she sells rice, noodles, cakes and nuts to all the department in my building. She is usually the earliest one there... i saw her since before she was pregnant, during her pregnancy and now with her baby...

I saw a woman with her teenage daughter left the building together... they were talking and smiling... chatting aware and was not even aware that i was looking...

What do all these people have that i do not have?

Happiness.... and perhaps a peace of heart and mind...

I have turned 29... Life continues...

When I was younger, money was tight... we didn't have much hence, things such as birthdays are often not a MAJOR thing in our lives... and yet, we grow to be healthy individuals, with excess baggages! *wink* My younger aunts used to give us birthday presents... sometimes bake us a cake with a candle to blow. This is also the time of the year when we get our school supplies... I remembered, I used to get a school bag, pencils and a luxury would be a story book! Those were the days...

Nowadays,... people celebrate it in a ridiculously BIG way.. they spend a fortune... on food... on clothes... on people that not necessarily care about them... but do they really know what a birthday is?? Do they realise that they have grown a year older... and that they should make themselves closer to god! Do they know death is watching them???

I took my time out on my birthday... looking around... looking at people... "people watching"... I did it on TV... I did it in the mall... and I did it with my sisters... People around us enjoys life like there is no tomorrow... people are boisterous... people are laughing... people are enjoying the time off... yet... do they really appreciate the time they have? the time they spent?

Just a week ago, my grandfather passed away. He was my paternal grand-uncle, my grandfather's younger brother. Since I was quite young when my own died (I remember him and love him as much as he loves me!), he is what i consider to be my grandfather. My dad has this reverence for him. He doesn't everyone... He is one of those individuals whom i think is genuienely kind... he doesn't have a nasty heart... and is always willing to offer advice...

His sudden demise really slapped me in the face. I am very heartbroken... My grand... I need to look after my old better... keep an eye on them more... I am losing more than I am ready to let go... He really was a very nice individual... He remembers my name... a sudden flash of my life in the future without my "old" ones looked bleek... sad.... empty...

my birthday this year... has a sad twinge to it...

On top of the above,... a friend accused me of not caring.... Despite what i thought was helpful (in my own way)... it apparently was not enough... And when i asked this friend to 'calm' down and 'relax'... it was just a point of no return for me... i was accused of not understanding the situation this friend was in... When i did not ask about his/her day or tried to talk about something else other than that... I was accused of not caring....

When my grandmother had a stroke... nobody said anything to me... when my grandfather had cancer, no friends consoled me... when my grandfather was suffering from chemo and radiotherapy... and he is so far away from us... nobody told me they care or sympathesised... when MY own dad and mum is in and out of the hospital... with a heart scare... and then... with a stomache scare... nobody said anything to me... NOTHING!!! But do i accuse them of NOT caring??? They do care... up to a certain level... and i understand that they do not have to say much to express their concerns... why am i so different from this rule? why can't i conduct myself following this rule?

from being understanding... now i am furious...

My clinic clerk... sigh... I don't know what to say about her...

When we lost our old clerk (she moved to a better paying job), we requested for a new one. The administration finally gave us one after several weeks.

When we had her, we were very happy and was ready to accept her as part of the clinic family! We are such a small unit that we need to work together despite what problems come our way. First, she said something really upsetting to me that i was soooo furious... It made me had a 'verbal' fight with a friend... Luckily we tried to discussed it and realised that we have been conned... I have been so stupid to belive what she had said... i apologised profusely... and since then, i was cautious... I hated her for what she did to me... I haven't forgiven her yet!

Few weeks later, we asked her to carry out all clerical responsibilities... and should she have any problems... she should ask me or any of the therapists in the clinic... then... one day... when i was on duty to KB... she decided to not do any work...

She decided she had enough... and told one of my collegues what she is willing or unwilling to do... she came in to work late... and did not inform any of her superiors (therapists) and spoke to the administration before discussing it with us... She requested for a transfer...

and this is because she found doing statistics difficult!!! She can't even draw a table in microsoft word! It took her a DAY to create a table!

When i asked her to type a letter for my patient, it took her 45 minutes... and its ALL WRONG!!

and many more happened.... i take it one event a day... I am so tired ofh aving her around... having her around means you need to work harder (like you do without a clerk) and then babysit her!!! sigh...

recently Thursday, 13.07.2006, she informed one of my collegues that she is unwell and would submit a sick leave on MONDAY. Since its the long weekend, i informed her via text (since she would ALWAYS not answer my phonecall) that she need to submit a sick cert as soon as possible. This would be (without proof) like not turning up for work... and that could be taken disciplinary action!!! I then told her that a government servant is only given 7 sick days in a year... She had already been sick since MAY 2006 more than a week. I even informed her that this could be deducted from her annual leave (since a clerk in her division would have few days off, i thought it as sacred... like my mum would consider it). I also advised her not to get into trouble again... (She apparently is in a lot of trouble... she had been taken disciplinary action by the administration... and i knew of this only recently... that is why she had been transfered to US!)

Since i never recieved anything from her, i thought she took it under consideration... GOD knows she blew her top! she was furious with ME!! She said i assumed that she is a 'bimbo' despite working for 6 years already... and that she knew all the government laws... and that she does not care her leave be slashed off... and that she is really sick and would like to take some emergency leave...

and she did... she wrote a letter and filled in the usual forms... stating that she is unwell... and would like to take some time off... till the end of the month... and also applied to get out of the country for personal reasons...

and guess who have to go around the hospital and calling all the superiors for this to be signed!!! ME!!! I thought having a clerk is supposed to make our working life easier... this is only making and creating more unnecessary work for US all!!!

I got it all signed... and brought it to the administration... I didn't know she is 'fondly' known in the administration office... from the CEO office.... to the clerical office!!! NOBODY wanted to sign her emergency leave... they had to call an officer whom 'LOVED' her...

I was later informed (AFTER a long discussion) that she would be given her time off without pay till the end of the month BUT WOULD not be allowed to leave the country as she wished. and that I SHOULD contact her to make her know this...

sigh... she would not answer my calls... i do not know where she lives... i do not know her husband's phone number... and the person i know who knows never got back to me... sigh... so i texted her telling her of this... if she breaks the law and do as she pleases... I am afraid, this would be the end of her working in the government sector!

before this... I never knew anyone could be like that...

all of this spoils my mood for a good birthday....

Getting old is no fun....

When i was younger, my parents would advised me to study hard... to earn good money and live well... I studied hard... and yet I am not living well...

they also said that as a grown up, we would be 'better'... have a better life.... what they failed to mention is that growing up SUCKS.... being a child should be treasured... enjoy the stress free life... enjoy the sheltered life (i have this... never met people like my clerk until i am 29!!!)

Should i have 3 wishes for my birthday, i would wish for:

1. to be surrounded only by people whom genuienly care for me and about others... and that i should never have to come across any individual with a forking tongue or a fould heart!

2. health - for myself, and all my family members including dearest friends...

3. wisdom - to know what is right and wrong, and able to act appropriately as society and the community needed you to be... god forbid you to be your individual self and do what you see fit. From now on, i only want to do what is 'acceptable' and not do more than i normally would...

Time flies... its July... I have been so busy this past week, i hardly realised July had greeted us.. ME... with a sad, knowing smile!

Just sometime last week, my BIG boss (the indian man i had *&^% about) called me into his room. I thought it was urgent... and important... as it sounded very urgent.. so after a patient, i rushed into his office. When i was there... he asked me to sit down and asked me to tell him about the 'KB' offer. Note: he was on leave and have not heard about this yet. My immediate boss was supposed to let him know, but i supposed she didn't have the opportunity as the letter arrived before she could say anything.

He wasn't angry with me... That was for sure. Instead, I was QUITE shocked to learn that he was reluctant to let me go. He said, he didn't know me quite well, but from professionals and patients alike, he had recieved "many beautiful praises of your excellent work performances." DIRECT QUOTE. He added... patients are very appreciative of the work and help I have extended to them...

I was gob-smacked... I THANKED HIM!!! He said, he didn't say all those things if it wasn't the truth. He was "HAIRAN" questioning why I was nominated for the transfer.. He asked if the workload and services given in the current setting would be compromised.. I said YES! He asked if the new therapist could help - I said yes... but she needs further training to see the adult and specialised caseloads. He wasn't impressed.

He asked me if I was happy for the transfer... because if not... he said he could and would tell the higher authorities not to send me for the transfer. I explained the need for the provision of service there and if it does not happen now, it would eventually happen soon... He was impressed with my answer. But he told me that if possible, he only would let me stay 2-3 years, as opposed to the 8 years i may have suggested to my own senior.

The most funny question he asked me was if my 'head' had sent me to KB as opposed to the others because of a vindictive bone she has against me! I was SHOCKED again! Where does he get all these. I told him again that ALL of us has good working relationships. We may not agree all the time, but we all are still very good and kind to each other. So i told him, I DO NOT think that she is purposely being malicious. It just so happens that I am the perfect candidate!

I'll keep you posted of what happen next... But I think, July is probably not my month to go there... KB would have to wait longer!

My dearest readers, one of my BEST FRIEND's father underwent a heart surgery and suffered complications. He is now in ICU. He had a stroke but we are unsure of its extent. Please, EVERY TIME you see this, pray for his safety. AMIN!