Relationships... and growing old... maybe just thoughts..

I was in bed, woke up with pain localised in my left wrist. It has been there for the past few days but this time, its worse. I am going to see "John" about it. He is my magician... he makes the painful bit go away and bearable. and i need it .. i can't even turn off the tap without wincing...

and today, is the 13th of July... the last day as a 29 years old. I am not sure how I turned out to be... based on others expectations of me... but i like to believe though I can be lazy, aloof and likes to be on my own, I have turned to be a nice, occasionally considerate and kind person. Events over the year had light some doubts on my character, and i have been through personal anguish of 'have I done the right thing'... however, if there is one thing i learnt over the years..."never regret your actions once you have decide". and i won't... and I shall live with it.

With aging comes maturity... and i hope i have that. I have been told i am mature beyond my years... perhaps some would disagree... This year, people taught me not to 'trust' others... i have, disclosed several personal events to some only to have it flaunted back at me in anger... twisted in a way that made me look like a vilan. TRUST is one of those thing that should only be given to a few regardless of blood relation, hence... its a lesson i learnt the hard way this year the past month or so...

with aging, comes grey hairs... and i have them before my 28th birthday. I keep them to remind me of my fastly aging process and to mature... also a reminder of death to come... Nothing so ghastly comes to mind, but just a reminder to be nice through out the day... (If i start the day with looking at the mirror - which i often don't... my haid doesn't need much combing and live without being brushed for a few weeks).

With aging comes wrinkles... I am not that worried about wrinkles. I am blessed to have few around the eyes. Looking through old and present pictures, i can definately see maturity... however, these changes dont bother me much. Having said that, i am trying to slab on moisturiser and sunblock to protect the skin against risks of skin cancer...

With aging comes back pains, increasingly often headaches, restless night, nightmares... painssss throughout the body and more. Shame on me because i have not been maintaininng a fully functioning body as it should... however, that could be something I may work on. Body image has never been an issue with me. I cannot care more of how i should look like... I can't even bother to exercise. when clothes dont fit, i find something that does. plus... i'm a doormat. the only time i am really out there is at work. however, i would like to focus on the health aspect of body image... I am not saying i would.... but something i can look into... i really hate stress... i FLIP!!

With each birthdays... Questions of "when?"... "have you got one?"... "Introductions?"... "Your are old enough to have one.. you should start trying to find one" is the more popular ones now... and another one is.."its for your future... someone to look after you in your old age" They are obviously talking about relationships.

Its not that i do not want a relationship.. its just that i had a few and it left me with a 'BAD AFTER TASTE'. Plus, i am not exactly in a field infested by men... My life as it is now, does not give me room to know men. I dont enjoy socialising (as you can read from STPRI reunion) Also.. i see a lot of relationships around me crumbling... what started with laughter, love turned to be bitter filled with hate. not to mention the constant bickering about what had happened.. what partner has not pull their own weight... and more... its just a nightmare and TOO much more for me...

I have seen people staying together despite their differences for several reasons. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn;t... and the worst is to stay in a relationship:
1. for your children
2. (abusive relationship) because you can't move away
3. to potray a 'happy' image to fool others
4. because you dont have the money to be independent
5. because you are afraid to be alone
6. afraid of being a single parent.
7. because you have invested a lot in the relationship.

I obviously do not know what it is like to be in a bad relationship. Though the few i had wasn;t successful, the men weren't evil. however, i am subjected to stories of bad relationships everyday and then them telling how they have suffered, how they tried to stay patient... how they sacrificed their hapiness for their kids and more... don;t they know... if they are not happy, the kids aren;t too... i feel like shouting... GET A DIVORCE on top of my lungs. i can;t do that, can i? however, I am known to lose my cool... and when i do.. I am afraid i would say something i may regret...

Its Friday the 13th... I am not afraid. I would be 30 tomorrow... so happy birthday to me... I dont feel like celebrating... I dont want a cake... i do, however want sincere prayers... To being a good person with god in her heart and step! Amin!