It appears that I am a fool... I am not what I pride myself to be... a good judge of character.

Past experiences had shown me volatile episodes that had been exchanged between me and A... and after all that... i bury the hatchet... and several months later, it happens again...

I hate rows.. I always lose rows... I do not know how to win one amicably. I thought rows, if handled healthily, and in the same method i have figured it out in my head and as the books says or like the movies and dramas portrayed it,... should be productive, does not need to be hurtful and dismissive... but why are my rows so.... hurtful, explosive! Leaving me feeling horrible and abandoned?

Why can i facilitate others to have healthy rows... and i can't even have one of my own??

I guess... it matters who u are having the row with...

To make matters worse... I do not even know what happened!! or why it happened!!

Surely there is such thing called "Give and take" or is that just something Oprah preached and few of us listened and practiced???

Surely I can't always be in the wrong... and that i always have to give in and never have the last word... or... not raise concerns or questioned a reaction...

Or is that how life should be? and I really missed the boat??? Is that what being a friend is... always giving in?? always saying yes? Always accepting and not asking??

A friend once told me... The guy for me is not born yet. At that time, long time ago.. i laughed it off... Thought it was a bit crass of him to say such a thing... let it pass... now... I wonder if what he said had some merit... or am i simply an alien born in a human form - hence unable to figure the rules of life / friendship...

Being alone sucks... 

Past few nights, i had company... and we were talking... She said something about me that I knew I am... but did not expect her to see me that clearly... I wasn't hiding... I was being me... but really... to see that... I really need to do something about me... do something healthy for me...

Next year... I am going to:

1. Read more

2. Learn a language and maybe get to know more new people?

3. Focus on my new home - get furniture...

4. Let go of some responsibilities... I need to talk to my superiors.

5. ? Learn music again..

 

I really am a crab... tough on the outside, all brave and all... but inside, very soft.

At a younger age, I envisioned a different outcome for my life. I romaticised what I would be doing, what my life would be like... This, today, had never crossed my mind.... 35, single and alone!

True I never thought I would marry at a young age, but I never thought I would be single at this age, yet alone thinking I would be single for the rest of my life... It is not scary... Lonely perhaps...

When I first started work, working in the hospital wards and watching the single, old ladies... no one to look out for them, no one cares... It scared me that my future is staring me in the face!!! so maybe my fears were founded after all...