Life is ever changing. Just as you think you have figured things out, and became more comfortable with your life, life turns and gives you a sharp turn; you either follow, or get thrown off viciously, getting severly hurt, and perhaps beyond repair - again, depending on the speed at the turn life hits you! Then again, such turns in life makes you examine yourself, your endurance, abilities, capacity and more to accept and adapt to changes in work, life, and surroundings.
Five years ago, I was already fed up with work. Since then, I have applied twice for a transfer from the MOH to somewhere else, i do not care where or what i do... Doing clerical work was acceptable to me, as long as i still get to pay off my loan and still live to see the day! BUT, everytime i get close, a path closes and i never seem to get far. I was quite dissapointed, but such is life and fate. few months later, i suggested to my HOD that we need to spread our wings. Perhaps, a therapist in the biggest district to provide services and then, maybe the Ministry would care to see how desprate we are and would help in "training" and personnel reinforcement.
That dream and hope was dashed. Not much reason was given as always. It was always burried, something unsettled! It was as if, it was an idea that could not be "used". or it was a bad idea or better yet... it was "TABOO" because it meant more work for everyone involved!
As I was enjoying my 2 weeks off from work, early this May, i recieved a pressing message from my boss to contact her ASAP, as soon as I am in the country! I thought, she would like me to help with the administration work or some sort of VVIP was ill, so i DELAYED it. Why should i call? I was on leave. and I have a boss... so she should be able to handle it! Why me?
It bugged me eventually, so i gave in and called. I was suprised that she wanted to talk to me to find out what or how i would react to a transfer to Belait, and looking after Tutong at the same time!!! I didn't have time to think it through, I was unsure. If life can change in one month since my absence from blogging,.... well life have certainly have changed since i made that suggestion 5 years ago! I have more to reconsider...
I told her things that made me a bit reluctant to go... things that i was unsure i would be able to cope with (ONE therapist for 2 districts! Are you MAD???) things like financial support as well... sigh... but silently i knew it would be me!!! Who else would it be? You'd think she be more creative in finding someone else....
This has been confirmed from the clinic's last meeting, 2 weeks ago... I am going to leave Bandar Seri Begawan and Leave to work and live in Belait, starting from July/August of this year! The longer you have to think about it, the less painful it feels... plus with all the changes that is happening in the hospital, i think life is being kind to me with this transfer!!!
My family had some difficulties in accepting this initially, especially my dad. He was really not pleased with the idea, me and the move. I was told off severely, and was quite scared to tell him the confirmation. I had to rely on my mum and sisters to inform him.... and again, i only started to talk to him just a few days ago!
With time, you get to think clearer... and i got to think clearer and PANICKED!!! OH MY GOD! I worked my arse off for the current hospital setting... I made so many therapy material, leaflets, pamplets, statistics, etc... and i'm leaving them all... i have to make NEW ones that i can keep in the new setting... and to make things worse... i have to make everything in TWOS as i am looking after 2 hospitals!!! ARGH!!!
Then... it made me realised... i have no computer... no clerk... no amah.. no assistants... no therapy materials... NOTHING and NO ONE.... i only have ME! I am not afraid of hard work... but I AM AFRAID of starting a clinic with NOTHING!!!
When i spoke to my HOD... (to make things short) and she to others... i was only given $2000 to start these new clinics... my heart dropped!!! SANK.... to the newest LOW it has ever had to drop from a blow!!! How can you do this to ME??? Why would you do this to me? These questions played and played all the time in my head...
I started to over eat again... sleep but always feeling tired... waking up when i sleep... feeling restless... having nightmares... waking up at 6 am, sometimes worse... at 5 and unable to sleep again! and always, always thinking of my new setting and 'friends' there....
But could it be worse from what my friend had to endure in my absence? To train an obstinate and sometimes in your face new collegue whom is nice to me, but could be a bit difficult to 'teach"... a clerk whom pretends to know to use a computer but takes the whole day to type a silly letter and then, type using capitals!, she also is incompetent and is plain lazy!!! that she boils my blood!!! (I CAN WRITE AND WRITE ABOUT HER... all things that she does that boils my blood... i can tell you better verbally! really really a person whom does not respect WORKING HARD or even working as a motto!!!) and pressure from the current setting to continue providing services of a 2 speech therapist when clearly, she is the only service provider!! and unnecessary extra work from a HOD whom promised to do managerial work, and not clinical work, but seem to throw 'adminitrative' work to us because she is busy or unable to do it, or just because we can do it better... or worse, because we can and we have been...
Who's fate is worse?
Life continues as we speak or read or write... life is really taking into stride what funny balls it throws you, and fate help seals what life is meant for you... but whether life is bad or bearable or good, all depends on how we approach life's advances...
For now... i have:
- a new clinic to think of
- a clerk that i am unhappy with
- a family i have to leave
- new friends i have to make
- pack and unpack
- to basically start all over again.
- who would cover the service when i am on leave
- how long i would be based in Belait. from the sounds of it FOREVER!
- how i feel to move and disrupt my current chaotic life
- my current patients and their management
- programs that i am strongly afflliated to
- my family. they only think about theirs and how it would change their lives.
- writing me a formal letter informing me of this move and change... and without it, I won't be able to apply for a house... and without a house, i am not going...
