Its the last day of work for the year, and we have a huge departmental meeting - Setting up new meeting dates, talking about SOPs and steps we are taking to make things safer for everyone, preparing for the unimagineable... yet positive outlook into things and more. At the same time, all of us decided to glam up / dress up despite the hard end quarter of the year we had. What better for it to be accompanied with food. 

I saw lots of photos in my blog that I had uploaded years ago that had gone - not sure why and I am unsure if I kept copies... So here is something for the blog for me to remember myself in years to come should I forget about you and get to rediscover you again. 😃

At first, I wore a mask then I took it off for picture taking sake. This baju kurong is about 10 years old. It was on of the glam-est dress I ever made for my cousin's wedding. 

In the clinic while waiting to make the first call with the patient this morning. 

Decided I should show off my face and kept it as a memory for when I view it again in a decade. Have I changed? Matured? Showing my age? 

Dark clouds

 Ever felt like you are alone despite being surrounded by people? Looking at others as if you have an out of body experience? Looking at your life from outside? Feeling empty? Alone...

This is always a bad omen when I feel like this... Its like something bad is going to happen to me - mentally and physically, if I do not curb these bad feelings and throw them into a box and lock it up safely in a vault that no one would have access to. 

"Fake it until you make it" said my Psychiatrist. 

Somedays, you feel like you made it... Most days, you feel like a fake and it drains  you out. Smiling but not reaching your heart. Smiling but it doesn't touch you. you feel, Empty...

One of those days, I sat at a corner as always - and was left to my own thoughts... It did not begin as such. It was a normal day. Then, I was looking at the kids play. I was looking at how happy they are... how abandoned they were expressing their feelings freely without fear or judgement. I have to admit I was envious - I did not feel that as a child. Always thought have to be in control. Behave. Contain. I had always been a 'Good child'. 'Behaved'. "No problem". 

As I sat there looking at them, my thoughts wandered to my sisters whom they belonged to. Their family. How they belonged to each other. How that must have felt. Someone of your own. Yours and no one else. Your other parts that make you whole. Life don't always feel perfect. I see scars, i see pain, anguish, tears, hardwork. But I see the outcome. Life worth living. Something to show for it. Something tangible. I have nothing. 

The more I look, the more I see, the more I feel pain. Not for them, but for me. What am I here for? Just for others? 

One of the reason I stayed working for the government was that I truly felt THAT is what my life is - Serve others. 

I am here to serve. I was born to serve. I am here to help. Just for others. And most of the time, I do not mind. In fact, I enjoyed it tremendously. 

Lately, I just feel so drained. exhausted. Depleted. I wake up to work. I go home to sleep. and the routine starts all over again. Occasionally, I go home - I feel empty. Occasionally, I go out with few friends - I feel the company. But something is missing. I am missing out. 

Maybe it time to venture out. Do something for me. Find something for me. Search what is there for me. Be selfish and leave. Be brave and mount on that horse that will bring me away from here. Seek what I longed for - Fulfilment. 

I know these signs... These are bad signs... I am trying to clutch on the walls to climb out. I try not to dwell in the feelings that starts the waterworks. I am weakening. Am I that strong? I do not want to fall into that rabbit hole again. I do not want my world to crash down again. I am afraid and I am alone. 

Talk to someone you say... I say this all the time. I preach it even. Who is the person that is safe enough for me to say all these things to? Who would understand? Who would not judge me? 

Ya Allah - I have forsaken you. I am very sorry. Is this the way of your help for me to return to you? I am humbled I am still in your grace. Ya Allah - Give me strength. I know you do this for you know my ability to spring back. My strength. With you help I can do this again. Help me for I am lost. 

And the tears starts falling...