MY Enthusiasm

Today is the 29th of October and that means just a few more days before i get to travel around our region and meet new faces and attitudes. Most may be wondering if i am excited and psyched to go... the answer is an amazing 'NO'.

I don't know on the day itself... but right now, looking towards the future, the answer is still no... not excited and not very excited towards the prospect. Is it because we have trained too long? Is it because we have so many unfinished bussiness to do? Is it because I suddenly do not want to leave my "old"? Or has it got to do with the others not pulling their weight, not coming up to par with their work performances? and has it got to do with a major embarrasment for me on board the ship???

I suppose all of the above... and more so the last 2... I am not good at failing... and I am also not good at being given a 'scolding'... In my life, I have always done my best at any particular time... and failure is just not synonym with me... I had failed a paper once, and that was not a plesant experience! Again, I don't need a lot of scolding... I always do what i can and when I can... and also because I don't interfere a lot with things... but...

BUT... this program was suppose to give me a new leash towards life... give me a fresh beginning... a jump start to my already every-dying battery! It was supposed to be fun! easy! ongoing adventure!!! EXCITING!!! i tell you now... its TOO hyped! I may feel differently later, but now, this is how I feel... It zaps life out of me... emotions... its burdeoning as well!!! Financially, mentally and suprising not so physically!!!

PUASA

Last year's puasa was the BEST puasa I ever had... I was very motivated, i prayed everyday, i practised the rituals and I had friends... The raya was dampened a little, but it was still full of FUN. I won't ever forget it...

This year, however, is a bit sad... its not the same like last year... I have reduced my religious activities... (don't ask why...), I rarely have time for my friends and family... and I am just SOOOO tired!

Puasa is one of those month I always thought i have time to do things I always wanted because of the reduced time at work... I always thought its a time of reflection... time to get close to your family and friends, time to do something nice...

I carried on my ritual of bersedekah to my kids in the clinic as i know they look forward to that every year... I also participated in the routine bersedekah to the unfortunate... I also made plans to do my zakat and more... but its the different different things you do each year during the month to make it different from the others... that is which i have failed miserably this year!

Everyday, after work, I either go and window shop, or do some damage to my purse... OR I go home and slave myself in front of the TV! and while i do that, i work on something like wrapping souviners for the Youth Ship or make a list of things to do or other stuff that needs to think or something like that... It just so tiring...

I don't think I have cooked YET during this month!!! And I haven't been to any food stalls which is weird for me because that is one of my yearly routine... I am just NOT in the mood!!! and I LOVE food!!!

Yesterday, i was bored and went to watch movies with my cousin and a friend whom I kidnapped till the early hours of the morning... While we were waiting for the movie to start, we walked around... We came and walked into the shop called "SOLITTUDE" at the mall... Its been there forever, but its the first time i have been in... Its actually quite nice... There are millions of books i thought i would buy and read, if only for fun and knowledge!!! And there is no more complaints because everything is in ENGLISH! :) i bought 2 books and started reading immediately during Sungkai!

The bookstore is just the kind of environment you want to be in because it invites you to broaden your opinion and knowledge of the religion without imposing it on you! They also have like a mini section at the back to sit and read and its really really nice. It brought back feelings of wanting to do good, feelings of wanting to do more for human kind... and more... it really is a good place to be in... I'll definately drop by as soon as I finish my 2 books!

I realised that people in your suroundings rubs things on to you... last year, i was fortunate enough to know a guy that was nice enough to bring me places to pray and was very very encouraging. It made me open my eyes and see things differently... It was a nice invitation to see clearly :) This year, however, i think i seem to hang around different types of people and they seem to only make me angry, add more stress and anguish as well as less pious than the previous person i know... and this sort of influence you on some level.. and this makes me sad...

Just so you know... I am fighting my inner demonds as well as the external ones... Lets hope i turn out to be a good human, capable of HUGE things, to make a difference and more... in the mean time, i fast and do all the necessary things as much as I am capable of...