Breaking-up....

It must have been a week ago, I stumbled upon a friend on MSN. He just experienced a break-up from a relationship he had for more than a year. One thought that would progress but died due to many reasons, were stopped prematurely! I have not seen him until Haiza's Malay wedding reception yesterday (sunday 16th April 2006). He looked thinner... and here i have put on WEIGHT! :P

The conversation we had on MSN was about breaking-up and how to deal and cope with it. What and what not to do... what helps and what doesn't... and more...

Obviously, breaking-up with someone you deeply care about is not something anyone can take. Especially when a relationship had gone off the initial level of getting to know each other! A break-up for me after letting someone into my "heart" even only after a week is MOST painful! and how people react and cope with it is something that has no standardised procedures!

Sometimes, i wish life is more organised... that we have a certain rule that we get and that we sail through painful experiences such as a break-up or death. But since there is none, and people's reaction to it varies... we go through different experiences, realities and sadness... and hence, no one's true experience is far painful than the other as all realised their pain to be the greatest!

I call a break-up to be a mini-death... one that can be called a mini-bereavement. and in a bereavement, we go through many stages. some believe we have 7 stages while others believe we go through only 5! but its fairly similar... we get sad, angry, we go throught the denial and depression stage, acceptance, and looking forward. However, even when such stages are identified, there is no right or wrong sequence of events/stages.

I went through many stages... sometimes its repeated in a vicious circle before i can really move forward... but the most "evil" of all feelings is the feeling of no self worth! the feeling that no one wants you... the feeling you had made the biggest mistake of your life! the feeling that you are unloved! Blaming yourself for what had happened when its already destined to happen is also another bad feeling! and this often will not go away. Not for a very long time.

My friend was feeling very bad about the whole break-up situation.. At least he told me so and I believed him. so we had an open conversation of what we can do to heal. He was in a 'rut' and could not move on from the initial hit of a break-up... and as a friend, i felt that i had to progress him to the next stage...

There is really no rules you can follow, so you really have to make rules from your heart and intuition, not to mention brains. Time, patience and prayers are the best healers. I truly believe in that. I have my faith to keep me together or I would have been such a total mess no one would recognize... I was in a horrible state but keeping plastic to everyone!

However, when one goes through a break-up, I feel that s/he should first realised and remember that it is over, unless you want to patch things up, but if it has gone really bad, you need to just accept the fact that the relationship is over. THIS IS CRUCIAL. You need to know that you are no longer in a relationship. Being stuck in the denial stage is really bad. It is harmful to you especially! realising this means progress...

Then, you probably need distance and 'quite' time away from each other. Try not to be around that person so much [that is if you are planning to be still friends. But if you could not care to stay friends... move on to the next step]. From distancing yourself, you are just reinforcing the first rule - that you are no longer together and time probably would help to sink it all in!

I went through an "angry" and "sad" stage. and my advice to you is... just go through it. If you have to be angry.. be angry. If you have to be sad and CRY... just let it go. This is the time for you to heal and by doing so you feel you can let go of frustrations, DO IT! However, if this stage is OVER, YOU cannot and should no longer mop around your troubles... instead, stand up and face reality! accept that it is over and learn to live a 'normal' life again despite still having so much pain! Be strong for yourself. It is not the end of the world and do not give up on yourself.

When you go through a destructive stage, you need to always always always remind yourself that you are NOT worthless and not-loveable! That a lot people appreciate you. That a lot people care. That a lot people would cry your demise. Build your trust again by building a better relationship with your family! When i was in this stage, i cried and cried buckets. I chanted prayers all the time. I relax my mind and do something relaxing... I do something i enjoy (in my case, swallow my sadness in work! I do not recommend you do what i do!!!)

I learn that with time, and great effort from ourselves to move forward, we indeed move to the future, and not mop about the past. Move a step further and 'forgive' everything - it gives you a lot of peace! Accepting what had happend to you rather than questioning your fate is sometimes better. I don't know about you, but i felt inner peace accepting that my fate is not as i imagined it to be. That i am destined for something else.

However, i still thank and cherish the men that had crossed my path. Everyone we know makes us different and better in many ways! That is why i believe being friends with whom i was past-involved in or long forgotten friends.... They are part of what you are... they held many memories (if they remember!). Its not always easy and not something everyone would choose in life... but it is mine...

A 'closure' helps to heal many deep wounds... I just had a closure today and i felt better than any days in the months of March or April 2006! such a simple word, a powerful action that helps you heal...