I feel like a failure. I feel bad.

Heart

The heart is an organ that pumps blood through out the whole body. It does not feel. It does not think. It pumps blood.

So, why is it, across oceans, continents, cultures and traditions, people always associate feelings and the heart???

My theory is, we feel with the brain, specifically, the mind. Yet, a lot of people do not appreciate the mind.

Some are more sensitive than others, yet there are few amongst us that are in-sensitive.

Snide remarks often bruise me... yet i receive that often...

Careless speech bleeds me.... and i get that often too...

Careless thoughts and actions hurts me the most....

I wish my work/life does not involve me talking... that i can do my work/life quietly...

Can one live by one-self without another?

Should i change my job?

Should i start looking for a different job?

Should i start 're-locating' and start afresh?

Evolving...

My sister and I plus 2 younger cousins were in the car after sungkai... we were chatting when i was posed with a question... How have i evolved after been working?

A lot of things went through my mind... i just found it a bit hard to voice them out.... it kind of frustrated my sister, so i asked her what her answer would be...

Thinking about it... (I gave my answer in the car, on the drive home), i guess the following are true...

1. I have becomed more wary of people - i once thought people of this country are nice, friendly and look after each other as the family unit are strong and cohesive. This is so far from the truth, and the reality of it is VERY sad. What is much sadder is the fact that all negativity surrounding these issues are covered up and not discussed... brushed and cast aside for later generations to deal with.
2. I have less faith in the system - I believe our system is supposed to HELP us. Up to a certain degree it does, however, there are many things that the system can help to improved and better the quality of life of so many. Pledges have been made again and yet again, but results and changes are the thing you really never get to see and experience.
3. I became more cynical and extra cautious - I learnt the hard way that people are really nasty. Most are not sincere at all carrying out duties and tasks they should. Most do things to be seen and climb the social ladder...
4. I realised that i had become one of the world BEST and LEADING ACTRESS - Often, despite feeling really bad inside, and squirming my heart out of the place i had been placed into, i have to put on a smile, and be amicablem, even when i do not want to.
   
5. Becoming complacent - When i started work, i realised so many things are so medivial, and vowed to change them. However, i am not in the position to make changes, hence, i try to make changes where possible on my level and more... however, bangging on hard surfaces all these years, i sometimes feel that i had become complacent, and i hate it. How are we to change for the better, if everyone is complacent, no one voices out their views, no one listens... until when are we to be like this??? always a third world country on so many issues?
6. I have become stagnant - I have been working for 9 years, and yet despite urges from the highest authority to engage in ongoing courses to be update, and applying to them over time, i have yet to go to one, since the last one and only one i went in 2004 was fully sponsored by another body.
   
7. I multi-task - This is nothing to be proud of. Spreading yourself too thin is something one should really NOT do, afraid of an early and unnecessary permanent 'retirement'!

so how have i evolved? I have become a 'bad' person. Yes, i do many good things to my kids and their parents, to adults and their families... I out-stretct my capacity under the pay i recieved... I try to advocate for their needs when it needs to be raised to different authorities. Yet... i have not achieved a quality standard of working... nor i believe would i be able to achieve it... not under these circumstance...

Should i give in and be like the others?