My sincere appologies to my readers (family and friends),.. OOO thee faithful readers of the blog. Reasons for the lack of the blog are various; a main cause was the acting up if the espeed! It has been acting up since my "annual leave" early last May 2006. and today, it miraculously emerged from the dead; not that i am ungrateful.

Life is ever changing. Just as you think you have figured things out, and became more comfortable with your life, life turns and gives you a sharp turn; you either follow, or get thrown off viciously, getting severly hurt, and perhaps beyond repair - again, depending on the speed at the turn life hits you! Then again, such turns in life makes you examine yourself, your endurance, abilities, capacity and more to accept and adapt to changes in work, life, and surroundings.

Five years ago, I was already fed up with work. Since then, I have applied twice for a transfer from the MOH to somewhere else, i do not care where or what i do... Doing clerical work was acceptable to me, as long as i still get to pay off my loan and still live to see the day! BUT, everytime i get close, a path closes and i never seem to get far. I was quite dissapointed, but such is life and fate. few months later, i suggested to my HOD that we need to spread our wings. Perhaps, a therapist in the biggest district to provide services and then, maybe the Ministry would care to see how desprate we are and would help in "training" and personnel reinforcement.

That dream and hope was dashed. Not much reason was given as always. It was always burried, something unsettled! It was as if, it was an idea that could not be "used". or it was a bad idea or better yet... it was "TABOO" because it meant more work for everyone involved!

As I was enjoying my 2 weeks off from work, early this May, i recieved a pressing message from my boss to contact her ASAP, as soon as I am in the country! I thought, she would like me to help with the administration work or some sort of VVIP was ill, so i DELAYED it. Why should i call? I was on leave. and I have a boss... so she should be able to handle it! Why me?

It bugged me eventually, so i gave in and called. I was suprised that she wanted to talk to me to find out what or how i would react to a transfer to Belait, and looking after Tutong at the same time!!! I didn't have time to think it through, I was unsure. If life can change in one month since my absence from blogging,.... well life have certainly have changed since i made that suggestion 5 years ago! I have more to reconsider...

I told her things that made me a bit reluctant to go... things that i was unsure i would be able to cope with (ONE therapist for 2 districts! Are you MAD???) things like financial support as well... sigh... but silently i knew it would be me!!! Who else would it be? You'd think she be more creative in finding someone else....

This has been confirmed from the clinic's last meeting, 2 weeks ago... I am going to leave Bandar Seri Begawan and Leave to work and live in Belait, starting from July/August of this year! The longer you have to think about it, the less painful it feels... plus with all the changes that is happening in the hospital, i think life is being kind to me with this transfer!!!

My family had some difficulties in accepting this initially, especially my dad. He was really not pleased with the idea, me and the move. I was told off severely, and was quite scared to tell him the confirmation. I had to rely on my mum and sisters to inform him.... and again, i only started to talk to him just a few days ago!

With time, you get to think clearer... and i got to think clearer and PANICKED!!! OH MY GOD! I worked my arse off for the current hospital setting... I made so many therapy material, leaflets, pamplets, statistics, etc... and i'm leaving them all... i have to make NEW ones that i can keep in the new setting... and to make things worse... i have to make everything in TWOS as i am looking after 2 hospitals!!! ARGH!!!

Then... it made me realised... i have no computer... no clerk... no amah.. no assistants... no therapy materials... NOTHING and NO ONE.... i only have ME! I am not afraid of hard work... but I AM AFRAID of starting a clinic with NOTHING!!!

When i spoke to my HOD... (to make things short) and she to others... i was only given $2000 to start these new clinics... my heart dropped!!! SANK.... to the newest LOW it has ever had to drop from a blow!!! How can you do this to ME??? Why would you do this to me? These questions played and played all the time in my head...

I started to over eat again... sleep but always feeling tired... waking up when i sleep... feeling restless... having nightmares... waking up at 6 am, sometimes worse... at 5 and unable to sleep again! and always, always thinking of my new setting and 'friends' there....

But could it be worse from what my friend had to endure in my absence? To train an obstinate and sometimes in your face new collegue whom is nice to me, but could be a bit difficult to 'teach"... a clerk whom pretends to know to use a computer but takes the whole day to type a silly letter and then, type using capitals!, she also is incompetent and is plain lazy!!! that she boils my blood!!! (I CAN WRITE AND WRITE ABOUT HER... all things that she does that boils my blood... i can tell you better verbally! really really a person whom does not respect WORKING HARD or even working as a motto!!!) and pressure from the current setting to continue providing services of a 2 speech therapist when clearly, she is the only service provider!! and unnecessary extra work from a HOD whom promised to do managerial work, and not clinical work, but seem to throw 'adminitrative' work to us because she is busy or unable to do it, or just because we can do it better... or worse, because we can and we have been...

Who's fate is worse?

Life continues as we speak or read or write... life is really taking into stride what funny balls it throws you, and fate help seals what life is meant for you... but whether life is bad or bearable or good, all depends on how we approach life's advances...

For now... i have:

• a new clinic to think of
• a clerk that i am unhappy with
• a family i have to leave
• new friends i have to make
• pack and unpack
• to basically start all over again.

what saddens me is that this move is not throughly thought of... no one thinks about:

• who would cover the service when i am on leave
• how long i would be based in Belait. from the sounds of it FOREVER!
• how i feel to move and disrupt my current chaotic life
• my current patients and their management
• programs that i am strongly afflliated to
• my family. they only think about theirs and how it would change their lives.
• writing me a formal letter informing me of this move and change... and without it, I won't be able to apply for a house... and without a house, i am not going...

I hate the word PASRAH... but yet, I am... What is meant to be is meant to be... I only hope, life is kind to me as it always have... and i hold on strong to words someone used to say to me... "God test you only because he knows you can"...

Hello Everyone... This is Haiza and Ian. They recently had a Malay weding Reception in Brunei. and these are some of the pictures they took whilst they were here. If you would like to view more of their beautiful wedding pictures, go to www.davidcheok.com I was VERY impressed. My pictures pale in comparison :P 

This is a very nice picture of the couple. Its amazing :) 

This pictures shows "kemanjaan" kedua-dua pempelai :P he he he he... Lurus kah inda... antam saja :) 

How often do you get a wedding photo like this? This is pure brilliance... and it potrays love, care and simplicity! This man is BRILLIANT! 

I love this picture the most that I printed it twice! It eminates LOVE through the screen! *sigh* 

The newly weds looks happy together. This place does not look like the Empire and Country Club Hotel, does it? 

Sitting by the end of the pond/pool, thinking of their future and the commitments they had made. 

A collective of pictures that tells a story of the happy couple - sort of mad enough to jump into the pool fully clothed! But looks like fun :) 

The bride and groom potraying the WET LOOK :) and they Look good and happy! That is all what matters and what we all wish for! *hugs* Many Many Congratulations! 

Breaking-up....

It must have been a week ago, I stumbled upon a friend on MSN. He just experienced a break-up from a relationship he had for more than a year. One thought that would progress but died due to many reasons, were stopped prematurely! I have not seen him until Haiza's Malay wedding reception yesterday (sunday 16th April 2006). He looked thinner... and here i have put on WEIGHT! :P

The conversation we had on MSN was about breaking-up and how to deal and cope with it. What and what not to do... what helps and what doesn't... and more...

Obviously, breaking-up with someone you deeply care about is not something anyone can take. Especially when a relationship had gone off the initial level of getting to know each other! A break-up for me after letting someone into my "heart" even only after a week is MOST painful! and how people react and cope with it is something that has no standardised procedures!

Sometimes, i wish life is more organised... that we have a certain rule that we get and that we sail through painful experiences such as a break-up or death. But since there is none, and people's reaction to it varies... we go through different experiences, realities and sadness... and hence, no one's true experience is far painful than the other as all realised their pain to be the greatest!

I call a break-up to be a mini-death... one that can be called a mini-bereavement. and in a bereavement, we go through many stages. some believe we have 7 stages while others believe we go through only 5! but its fairly similar... we get sad, angry, we go throught the denial and depression stage, acceptance, and looking forward. However, even when such stages are identified, there is no right or wrong sequence of events/stages.

I went through many stages... sometimes its repeated in a vicious circle before i can really move forward... but the most "evil" of all feelings is the feeling of no self worth! the feeling that no one wants you... the feeling you had made the biggest mistake of your life! the feeling that you are unloved! Blaming yourself for what had happened when its already destined to happen is also another bad feeling! and this often will not go away. Not for a very long time.

My friend was feeling very bad about the whole break-up situation.. At least he told me so and I believed him. so we had an open conversation of what we can do to heal. He was in a 'rut' and could not move on from the initial hit of a break-up... and as a friend, i felt that i had to progress him to the next stage...

There is really no rules you can follow, so you really have to make rules from your heart and intuition, not to mention brains. Time, patience and prayers are the best healers. I truly believe in that. I have my faith to keep me together or I would have been such a total mess no one would recognize... I was in a horrible state but keeping plastic to everyone!

However, when one goes through a break-up, I feel that s/he should first realised and remember that it is over, unless you want to patch things up, but if it has gone really bad, you need to just accept the fact that the relationship is over. THIS IS CRUCIAL. You need to know that you are no longer in a relationship. Being stuck in the denial stage is really bad. It is harmful to you especially! realising this means progress...

Then, you probably need distance and 'quite' time away from each other. Try not to be around that person so much [that is if you are planning to be still friends. But if you could not care to stay friends... move on to the next step]. From distancing yourself, you are just reinforcing the first rule - that you are no longer together and time probably would help to sink it all in!

I went through an "angry" and "sad" stage. and my advice to you is... just go through it. If you have to be angry.. be angry. If you have to be sad and CRY... just let it go. This is the time for you to heal and by doing so you feel you can let go of frustrations, DO IT! However, if this stage is OVER, YOU cannot and should no longer mop around your troubles... instead, stand up and face reality! accept that it is over and learn to live a 'normal' life again despite still having so much pain! Be strong for yourself. It is not the end of the world and do not give up on yourself.

When you go through a destructive stage, you need to always always always remind yourself that you are NOT worthless and not-loveable! That a lot people appreciate you. That a lot people care. That a lot people would cry your demise. Build your trust again by building a better relationship with your family! When i was in this stage, i cried and cried buckets. I chanted prayers all the time. I relax my mind and do something relaxing... I do something i enjoy (in my case, swallow my sadness in work! I do not recommend you do what i do!!!)

I learn that with time, and great effort from ourselves to move forward, we indeed move to the future, and not mop about the past. Move a step further and 'forgive' everything - it gives you a lot of peace! Accepting what had happend to you rather than questioning your fate is sometimes better. I don't know about you, but i felt inner peace accepting that my fate is not as i imagined it to be. That i am destined for something else.

However, i still thank and cherish the men that had crossed my path. Everyone we know makes us different and better in many ways! That is why i believe being friends with whom i was past-involved in or long forgotten friends.... They are part of what you are... they held many memories (if they remember!). Its not always easy and not something everyone would choose in life... but it is mine...

A 'closure' helps to heal many deep wounds... I just had a closure today and i felt better than any days in the months of March or April 2006! such a simple word, a powerful action that helps you heal...

the food... what is left of it mid-way 

Kak Meng and Ibu eating away the delicious food 

Kak nana and baby marsya 

Nenek Bini having dinner with all of us 

Having dinner together 

Tua and Daddy at the beginning of meals 

The little family - abang erwan, kak neza and marsya 

Chatting away after eating 

Mummy and Tua Bini discussing hand-crafty things