Its the last day of work for the year, and we have a huge departmental meeting - Setting up new meeting dates, talking about SOPs and steps we are taking to make things safer for everyone, preparing for the unimagineable... yet positive outlook into things and more. At the same time, all of us decided to glam up / dress up despite the hard end quarter of the year we had. What better for it to be accompanied with food. 

I saw lots of photos in my blog that I had uploaded years ago that had gone - not sure why and I am unsure if I kept copies... So here is something for the blog for me to remember myself in years to come should I forget about you and get to rediscover you again. 😃

At first, I wore a mask then I took it off for picture taking sake. This baju kurong is about 10 years old. It was on of the glam-est dress I ever made for my cousin's wedding. 

In the clinic while waiting to make the first call with the patient this morning. 

Decided I should show off my face and kept it as a memory for when I view it again in a decade. Have I changed? Matured? Showing my age? 

Dark clouds

 Ever felt like you are alone despite being surrounded by people? Looking at others as if you have an out of body experience? Looking at your life from outside? Feeling empty? Alone...

This is always a bad omen when I feel like this... Its like something bad is going to happen to me - mentally and physically, if I do not curb these bad feelings and throw them into a box and lock it up safely in a vault that no one would have access to. 

"Fake it until you make it" said my Psychiatrist. 

Somedays, you feel like you made it... Most days, you feel like a fake and it drains  you out. Smiling but not reaching your heart. Smiling but it doesn't touch you. you feel, Empty...

One of those days, I sat at a corner as always - and was left to my own thoughts... It did not begin as such. It was a normal day. Then, I was looking at the kids play. I was looking at how happy they are... how abandoned they were expressing their feelings freely without fear or judgement. I have to admit I was envious - I did not feel that as a child. Always thought have to be in control. Behave. Contain. I had always been a 'Good child'. 'Behaved'. "No problem". 

As I sat there looking at them, my thoughts wandered to my sisters whom they belonged to. Their family. How they belonged to each other. How that must have felt. Someone of your own. Yours and no one else. Your other parts that make you whole. Life don't always feel perfect. I see scars, i see pain, anguish, tears, hardwork. But I see the outcome. Life worth living. Something to show for it. Something tangible. I have nothing. 

The more I look, the more I see, the more I feel pain. Not for them, but for me. What am I here for? Just for others? 

One of the reason I stayed working for the government was that I truly felt THAT is what my life is - Serve others. 

I am here to serve. I was born to serve. I am here to help. Just for others. And most of the time, I do not mind. In fact, I enjoyed it tremendously. 

Lately, I just feel so drained. exhausted. Depleted. I wake up to work. I go home to sleep. and the routine starts all over again. Occasionally, I go home - I feel empty. Occasionally, I go out with few friends - I feel the company. But something is missing. I am missing out. 

Maybe it time to venture out. Do something for me. Find something for me. Search what is there for me. Be selfish and leave. Be brave and mount on that horse that will bring me away from here. Seek what I longed for - Fulfilment. 

I know these signs... These are bad signs... I am trying to clutch on the walls to climb out. I try not to dwell in the feelings that starts the waterworks. I am weakening. Am I that strong? I do not want to fall into that rabbit hole again. I do not want my world to crash down again. I am afraid and I am alone. 

Talk to someone you say... I say this all the time. I preach it even. Who is the person that is safe enough for me to say all these things to? Who would understand? Who would not judge me? 

Ya Allah - I have forsaken you. I am very sorry. Is this the way of your help for me to return to you? I am humbled I am still in your grace. Ya Allah - Give me strength. I know you do this for you know my ability to spring back. My strength. With you help I can do this again. Help me for I am lost. 

And the tears starts falling...

Jaro

 I was lonely and I felt I had no one to talk to. I busied myself with reading, cooking, eating... but I still needed someone to talk to or succumb to the darkness. I remembered in University, as a student, I used to go online onto Alamak to 'chat' / talk to others... I went by the name 'City3'. So I went on it and started talking. I stayed for a bit - few days but people were not interested in talking. 

I visited few other sites and they were similar. People - men and women, were similar. They were seeking companionship - but most used an approach that was unsuitable for me. I like to keep the chat clean and just evoke conversation what ever it might be, Even learn new things if they were willing to share and not give up on my shallow knowledge. I met few people along the way - some I spoke with for awhile, but one I kept for the longest time. 

Could it be 2014/2015 - I started talking to Jaro. He is from Slovakia. Our conversation started heatedly - about religion. To be specific, about Islam. He had a lot of questions that I was able to answer but what made it difficult was he wanted reasons - some I knew of... but others, I had to do some research and ask family / ustaz. 

I 'kept' Jaro (We kept each other really) because he was intriguing. The conversation, though heated, was in good spirit. We were really conversing - respectfully, I might add. I remembered the conversations went on for few months - eight I think. and it was every other day. It was really fun. It kept me on my toes and investigate my faith even more, which was all good. It was something I always looked forward to. 

Our conversations are often written / typed. Occasionally, we exchange audio files when we are unable to text e.g. driving. Rarely, we video call - its been a handful, though. We should really do that more often, so we can see the surroundings, but its just difficult to balance with the difference in time. Now, our conversation varies - we talk about music, current events, work, family, weather, gardening, cooking etc. Its different but still intriguing. 

I cannot remember exactly how but we moved from the chat platform to WhatsApp - and we spoke almost everyday. The most we have not spoken to each other is 10 - 14 days at a time.  Either one often checks on the other if we have not said anything. I dare say, we have a good friendship going. 

The last time he disappeared' and did not reply to my messages, he got me extremely worried. and rightly so - he was admitted in the hospital! He even had surgery! He was in ICU for few days!!! Though he was fine and it was only for observation, I was really worried for a friend I have never laid my eyes on. 

How would I describe him... well... 

• Brainiac -  Its self-explanatory if you know him. 
• Loving - He prioritizes his family despite a busy schedule especially when they come visiting. He talks highly of his mum. 
• Adventurer - Often travelling for work, but it also feeds his need to explore and see the world. Going for walks and seeing nature is something he enjoys to destress. 
• Chatty - Apparently chatty only to certain few, I appreciate that he enjoys my company and finds me safe to talk to. Its easy and free to express ourselves without judgement though conversations were challenging and provoking. 
• Safe - 7 years and counting this friendship is flourishing. Definitely a keeper. 

Back in 2019-2020, I was in UK for 3 months. We talked about visiting each other, but I couldn't. I was there for a reason and felt bad to go off gallivanting, but it was tempting. Jaro was in the Philippines for business - so near, yet I was unable to fly and meet. One day - hopefully, we get the opportunity to meet each other. It would be so much fun. One day... 

So much has happened...

 So much has happened in the years I left writing the blog. Where do one begin... What do one write about... List of things to write? Share? Document? 

• COVID19 - First Wave
• COVID19 - Second Wave
• Multi-tasking - PRO / Training / SLT 
• Nenek meninggal 
• Daddy meninggal 
• Cuti 3 bulan 
• Neice & Nephews 
• AVT
• Friend abroad
• UK road trip 
• Whats' interesting over the years... 

Welcome back!

 How long has it been? I almost forgot this place exists - it took me awhile to search for access or even the link to the blog! I really have forgotten! Luckily, I saved or linked things and regained access! AMAZING!!!

How did I get to thinking about this again?? I was browsing WhatsApp status of people on my contacts - Something I do not do often. And one person had an image that said "To understand yourself: Write". Naturally, I responded saying "True" and shared that I had a diary and blog that I wrote about stuff. Occasionally, I read my entries and rediscover things about me that I had forgotten. It helps me to understand me better. 

Few days before the conversation I had with the friend, I had similar conversation with my sisters where we encouraged my nephew to record his childhood through other methods such as drawing, writing, vlogging etc. How uncanny! 

I love reading through my entries over time - I have not changed much over the years. Some of my opinions remain the same e.g. my entry on 18th January 2005 on "Blog: An insight to the soul? Daring or Stupid?". Some entries remains my favourite - its funny, charming, light, enthusiastic. Some entries were sad and angry - and when I read them, I feel them all back. Memories rushes back to me. I can visualize the situation as it happened, me writing on my PC etc. Such is the beauty of words. 

So having that twice in a month, reading my entries and memories flooding back - perhaps maybe I should write again?