lonely...

Life is slightly slower than that I was used to back in Bandar. However, I kept myself busy by being more efficient that I was before. For example, it would take a few weeks before an initial assessment report for a patient to be ready, including his referrals to other departments and more.

Here, I try to make it a practice to immediately place all the reports to one place, and work on them during lunch, including referring them to the appropriate agencies via snail mail, email, fax or even phone calls. I’m happier with this system because I feel I am giving my patients much better service (administration) than before.

I also write up after every patient after their sessions. I used to only write their plans and evaluate them after a few weeks. Now, I can write up more… I bring them home for something to be done at home.

I also planned next week’s plans in advance… prepare materials and thought out toys and seating.

To some, this may make me sound and look like a neurotic… but those who knows me better say I am looking for something to do; being a self proclaimed moderate-severe workaholic :P

Despite making myself busy, I am still feeling lonely. I do not have anyone to talk to… no one to discuss with… no one to sit with… no one to eat with… or even crack silly unmeaningful conversations with… I feel lonely.

I haven’t resorted to talking to the walls yet... I try to make myself busy at home with different activities such as cooking, dusting, sweeping, mopping, washing, making beds and more. Latest was, I took my sewing box from Bandar and is beginning to create a new project.

Inspite everything… I still feel lonely… Does anyone know what this feels like?

My sister and cousin are in UK… BUT I am sure they have more chances of finding friends or have more friends and families around them than I!!!

To curb my loneliness, I tried to go to the public library last Friday, only to be surprised that it is not opened. It opens on a SUNDAY, while I am in Bandar!!! How ironic!!!

Yesterday, Burt came to KB, giving away a lecture in the hospital. It was after lunching together; he dropped by my clinic and generously and brilliantly figured out how to dial out to use the internet!!! I am so happy for his help, or I won’t be able to blog…

With age, we are more set in our ways… we know what we want and what we don’t want… I always find making friends difficult… and don’t know where to start, hence, a new environment where I am lonely and being surrounded only by people whom are locals here with their own families makes it worse for me to try to make friends.

Don’t get me wrong… I KNOW this move is necessary and probably good for me as well; GOD WORKs IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS… I never regretted agreeing to this move or starting a permanent service in KB, since the people here deserve something better, and I know I can offer that! But being lonely is different…

When I was in Bandar, yes I do not talk all the time, yes, I do not spend a lot of time with my parents or even my sisters and prefer to be alone or by myself… but that’s different. They are just 5 minutes away when ever or where ever I need them… I am surrounded by family every 5 minutes everywhere I drive in Brunei-muara district.

I think I miss the security and the idea of having families around me… I feel like I am alone here… and that is sad…

Like a professor said to me… to have a conversation, you need at least 2 people; one to talk and one to listen… BUT… There is only one of me…