I am thinking of what to write for my blog... I even have to read 2 other blogs and ask someone for an opinion on what to write about... Its not that i am lacking ideas of what to write... its just that its all random thoughts and they come by very fast that sometimes i miss them.... I really need paper and pen kept by my side at all times so i can remember what i want to write about...

Looking at other sites and from talking to a friend, i see that there are several things i can write about... Since i have a new niece, I can talk about her and pregnancy or not wanting to. Then there is asking people about they think about you. My sister did that and she got lots of comments :0 it was really good :) But then, my site is not so popular so probably won't do that! :P Then... there is always the famous Burt topic... "movies" or lack of it... but then... I can talk about mundane things that happened in my life like WORK :P A person suggested that I write about celebrating Valentine's day for muslims... Which i thought was a good idea nearer to the day...

So what am i really gonna talk about? I dunno now... I am spoilt for choice.... and its been some time since i rambled freely on my own blog. Its quite healthy talking to yourself especially in the third person. There is no psychologist to analyse you... no psychiatrist offering you to stay in the mental health unit.... no one judging you...

My cousin gave birth to another baby girl (her second) on 19th January 2006. She is just cute... She was born 3.52 kg. Much smaller in size compared to her big sister but i assure you not her lungs. Her name is Marsya Batrisya. I hope I spelled her name right! Since the birth of Marsya... and with my younger cousins engaged and in serious relationships, the topic of babies and being married and pregnant is something that is always there... The are even talks of not having any or having a few only or talks about pain during delivery...

I mean.... men don't really think about all these things... but the girls do.... They do talk about it... i know my friends talk about it in the clinic... they even compare notes... sometimes i feel like i am in a tutorial... i know enough i think... It sounds painful so of course it feels like HELL...

But people do have kids... Having kids are huge responsibilities... its not just one of those things that you fancy having in life and have nothing to do with it after awhile... it changes your life and your relationship to others permanently! It changes you permanently... not to mention the heartaches and the lack of sleep you encounter as they grow up....

When is the right age of having kids? How many should you have? Do you have to keep aside a budget and reflect on your montly income or just have them like rabbits and give them up for adpotion? I mean... some people do....

There is no right or wrong answer to the above question... its all a matter of what feels right for you but personally i do not mind having lots of sisters but it would have been nice to be more financially stable... not that we were not...

There are also a lot of people that could not afford to have kids more than one but then complain that they could not afford to keep up the lifestyle... or end up giving their children up for adoption... I do feel that there is something called family planning or condoms that they can use to prevent such things... sorry for being crude but i'm passionate about this... argh... i'm sure its okay... Islam is a beautiful religion and i am sure he has thought of this even before we started asking!!! DIG into it...

Some people who are not meant to be parents should not have them. I feel that all individuals should have a psychological evaluation to find out if they are fit to have kids... I am talking about emotional scarring... Physical and mental abuse...

Parenting classes as well as an openness to this topic should be given thought... Its such a toboo to talk about parenting... why is that so? Some of us are fortunate as they have the kind of parenting that you would call "lax" but others have this parenting style that is different that leaves scars deeper than skin deep.

With the way the world is moving around nowadays, maybe not having a child is a good idea. But not having one means emptiness in your soul... But having one only means jeopardising his/her life... or not having a future you imagined or dream he/she should have...

When i was younger, I never questioned that i would be married. But as i grow older and more bitter, perhaps a bit mature, its a status i am beginning to appreciate many not happen. And not being married means not having kids and that means sparing me of the pain and blah blah blah.... but it also means deprivation of one's joy in this temporary life! BUT again, when i was younger, it was just part of life that i expected to happen to me too because its what happen to everyone...

What I am trying to go on about here is that life is not as you expected it to be. It changes all the time and we need to adapt to it well. Just because I thought I would be married and have kids does not mean I would. And just because I would have kids does not mean I would be able to keep them comfortably hence the question of how many... and just having them does not mean you are a PARENT!

I don't mean to profess that I would be a good PARENT... all I am saying is there is more to being a parent than providing money, shelter and blah blah blah... there is this thing we always seem to neglect... emotional and mental growth!!!

There are a few of these people out there... they apprear to be normal but inside they are screwed up. It takes a lot of effort to open up, to try, to believe, to trust, to learn to accept without being shun and more... are these the type of parents and parenting we have? emotional and mental blackmail?

I would like to have kids or be a parent if I am given the opportunity to be one but I am afraid I would be a failure... I am afraid I won't be able to provide them with the best... I am afraid of coming short... Am I ready? Am I capable?