There are a few more people linked from this blog... do check them out...

Few things i want to say:

1. teasing is good, but when a 'tease' gets real or is realised.. the fun is over for me. When things gets serious... where is the fun in that.. hence... No more teasing the new couple.... however, i would like to wish them GOOD LUCK!

2. a bit of affection is good, however, i never really feel comfortable with PDA.. hence... i may over react when i see it around me, so new couple, consider this good advance warning! PDA consitst of - holding hands, sitting too close together (SKIN TO SKIN contact is a NOOOO!!!), gazing into each others eyes longer than 3 sec, and more to come... New couple watch this space. this is ur guidelines. :)

3. Criteriasssss of the type of man i like, so if anyone is thinking about setting me up, they have clear guidance... and everyone is allowed to try, and i always reserves the right to ignore ;) :P This is especially dedicated to my 'match-making' aunts: Aunty Nor and Bungsu...

- No smoking; i dont want to die carelessly!
- no wearing jewlery; YUCK!
- able to converse and is willing to speak up
- working would be nice; like air is good to the living
- loves watching movies; any type
- loves to sleep; so when i sleep, no one bothers me...
- likes reading; so i can save $$$ by sharing books
- nice and humble personality
- dark features is a PLUS - think Robert Downy Jr.
- a bit of stupidity is acceptable, because what men is not ;)
- willing to play boardgames with me...
- listen to me grumble patiently ;) and i ofcourse will listen too... not more than an hour!
- I am sure there is more... but... these are important :)

thinking out loud...

Recently, I found out that a lot of people i know patron this blog and actually READ... not browse through, but actually read... I freaked out.

I usually blog about things that are happening in my life.. or thoughts that are plaguing me, happy memories, things i want to express and more... and so I feel, sometimes i am rambling on topics that are passionate to me, but not everyone else feels the same...

I have a counter on the blog, and i often feel happy knowing and seeing that the number has increased and constantly changing... however, i always assume they are due to people that blog hopped that just happens to land on my page.... but... knowing someone you know is actually reading it, knowing how you think and click, know you more intimately... i wasn't sure about that.

i asked several people about my blog.... to find out if it is 'okay' to close down. Obviously, family members were not pleased with me.... calling me 'boring' however... a friend said, he patrons the page regularly.... and with this, he feels he knows and understands me better. He also said i have an element of 'truth' and that he likes my writing style... Another friend expressed a twinge of disappointment as she JUST discovered the blog by browsing through another's blog.

I wrote about this 'invasion' of thought and privacy as i tend to be very emotional, and personal with my entries. I thought the same way before as well.... in the initial stages... but at that time, i thought i would put in less 'personal' stuff.... i can't.... i like doing it like this :P

and so the question remains... do i close the blog down because i am afraid people "that knows me" think i am a 'freak' because i think differently, accuses and point fingers.... or do i dare to just plod on and express myself.

It is scary for me to think that people know me better because sometimes, i try to understand myself. Its also scary as i tend to be such a reserved person, only out of the shell with a few and still reserving the best just for me... but with this blog, i get to be more expressive, write more, profess more.... am i feeling that i no longer have the power to control the things people know about me? having less sense of power over myself??? does that makes sense? anyone understands?

Thinking back of the people i think i know are reading this blog.... it makes my skin curl... i shudder... not from fear.... but something else... uneasiness?

do tell me what you think.... Like i said to Adeline, a friend... i will sleep over it.... think more about it..... before i decide anything... help me think...

Playing games

I remembered being exposed to board games in high school, where everyone was encouraged to join a club and do something they liked – part of being involved in indoor games. You would think it would be something easy for me to do as I wasn’t much of an outdoorsy kind of person, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t much into sports generally.

I remembered my class teacher, whom also happened to be my English teacher, Miss Townsend, was concerned. She was wondering why I wasn’t involved much and why I was finding that particular task difficult. I explained to her that I wasn’t much of a sporty kind of person, and I wasn’t exposed much to board games either, having family members not playing this activity as a family unit.

She first introduced me to chess – I obviously did not know what each pieces were... she taught me. I played well for the remaining of that year. She also taught me black gammon but sadly I have forgotten most of it, like I did chess, not that I played it particularly spectacular!

A couple of other friends introduced me to games such as monopoly, scrabbles and more. I loved it. As it happens, I was also in my team’s track team, doing relay 1500m I think. I can’t remember... we won 3rd place. That was really nice. I also did tug of war, volleyball and amazingly enough, basketball. But I never enjoyed the later... always not knowing what I was supposed to do.... and I was playing defense... was it wing??? Sigh... I can’t remember, as I always dreaded PE classes, preferring if it was replaced by math or Ugama or science or home science... anything really as long as I do not have to do that!

I was in a swimming team in my younger days, but I quit prematurely, opting to concentrate more on my studies. I never regretted it, but somehow, I always wondered what I could have been if I had not... Nothing dazzling I know, but I would have probably built up my stamina, and increase the love of sports.

Anyhow, in University, I mostly did walking to release any elements of anger, dissatisfaction, or frustrations. I also did running – some squash (towards the end), badminton (earlier on), swimming (through out) and hill climbing. A few of my flatmates introduced me to other types of games such as Mah-jong, Rumikub, monopoly and more. It was exciting. I loved every minute of it.

I stopped carrying out physical games since returning to Brunei. I don’t know... I suppose the environment wasn’t conducive enough to carry them out. I used to do them to release endorphins, however, I drive now, to have the same effect!

A few years back, I hung around a group of people, and we played games as well... like the above. Mostly scrabbles. I loved it. However, we played another game called taboo and that was marvellous. I loved that too...

The group has dissipated... and hence, playing partners for board games had decreased. I was left to be on my own to read and surf, until recently...

One of my cousins discovered a computer game and introduced it to me in one of the family outings at her place (Often it involves around food). It appears that I was the only person whom did not know the game existed, and when I went back to my own haven, I realised I had it in my laptop and played like mad... I did not sleep for 24 hours trying to solve it and aced it. It was time well spent!

Since then, I have been trying to download more computer games, however, being new to Mac... and her games. It was kind of tricky for me to play them. I found a couple that I loved.... however, I am not sure I can download the whole thing without purchasing it beforehand.

Just last night, we had another crazy time... we played a computer game till late night... We played as a group. Initially there were 8 of us. It was reduced to 2... and it stopped about 4 am in the morning from 8 pm the day before. It was crazy.. I wasn’t any one of them... I was in and out of sleep at 3 am.

Many parents believe playing games is a waste of time.. and that children should focus more of their education. However, they fail to see and remember that through game, children learn a lot more. Good games are out there... you just have to choose the appropriate ones.

Playing games as a family unit unifies the family. It brings them closer together... it also allows the parents to give their children a break and actually have fun and spend good quality time together. Depending on the game you are playing... you increase experiences in life, you build up your vocabulary, build team spirit and good working conditions in a group and more...

Next time someone said you shouldn’t play games... You tell them... I know the difference... and I know what is good for me (Know your boundaries!) “I play hard and study smart!” – courtesy of Mr Saxson, Chemistry teacher in Maktab Duli, ‘A-Levels (1994-5)

Empathy of people in your surroundings

My previous CEO empathises with the people. He was able to put himself in a situation where he would be desperate enough to actually ask and seek help purposely from others, and for that, I commend him for being a good leader and administrator we all should aspire to be.

Empathy is something I feel a few in every culture lack. Especially to have empathy from the top management for the things you are doing, more over what you are experiencing is not something you’ll get. Perhaps in a 100, 2 understand.

Empathy from people in your surroundings is not something we get easily as well. Often, people have expectations of what you should be, and when you fail to perform due to many reasons, they fail to understand or help to see why it happened or even asked why you failed the tasks. Instead, accusations, long faces and interrupted office relations or friendships are at cost!

It is summer and my sister and a cousin of mine had brought their friends to Brunei. I spend some time with them enough for them to start talking to me on matters irrelevant to things. They may think they are just chit-chatting, but I feel a sense of something else there...

A couple of times, these young people amazes me how they have ‘empathy’ of my sister and cousin to be in a different place, away from their loving and boisterous family and trying to fit into another culture using a different language.

I use the word “amaze” because they show and demonstrate a hierarchy of feelings that is often missing in one’s character, and also, they were able to illustrate such emotions at a young age.

These emotions are perhaps raw, but it exists. I do hope and wish they do not forget what it is to be like another person... in a different situation... it would help to make them a better person.

Rona, a Scottish flatmate I had in Uni, she empathises with me... In a funny way. I love her to bits... She was really sad when she found out that I had circumsicion at a young age. She worried that I would not be able to experience ‘pleasure’ of the flesh in the same manner as she had. It was funny... but it was sweet at the same time. She was most expressive and violent in her opinions about mutilation of sexual organs... but she stopped when she understood that it is not what ISLAM is all about. Its HYGIENE!

Yen, a Taiwanese flatmate in Uni, she was listening and watching me and several others doing a monthly budget of our spending and how much we have to save to purchase a flight home. She was worried we would be saving too much and not eating well or looking after ourselves that she offered to purchase our tickets home using her gold visa card!!!! It was very nice of her... but I never took her up on it. It was just a tad too much... but it was very touching... something I will never forget...

As a muslim student, obligations of ramadhan is carried out despite having classes through out the whole month. My lecturers were sweet. They informed the whole class what Ramadhan was... advised them not to eat and drink when around me as I was fasting... and would often remind me to bring sandwiches and drinks to class anytime I was about to break my fast! It was really really sweet and touching!

Empathy is not the same as sympathy. I often think and feel that empathy is a higher emotion than having sympathy for someone... Empathy makes your feet firmly latched to the ground... it exposes you to different conditions of life that is present around you!

Being Lonely...

My friend since i was a young teenager has left brunei with her parents for Germany! It was a kind of relief - I get to stay back in KB and rest, but also a bit sad because she had gone back... leaving us "June and Me" alone....

There is a song i constantly hear on the radio... and has words like "being lonely" no one wants to be lonely purposely... i agree... However, how do you change things???

I am not saying that i am lonely at the moment, but sometimes it does grab you suddenly... and when you do not have support by your side, you feel empty and small...

June gave me this magnificient magnet about being a "cancerian". words such as manipulative, moody, procastinator, craby and more were just some of the words listed. I loved it, though there were some words i do not agree characters i have. Its a lovely magnet and i am putting it on my office cabinet... the cupboards feel empty without anything helping them add character...

Sometimes, being a crab, it makes it hard for people to approach me. however, as i was reminiscing... I have emerged out from my outer hard shell. I was a different person at a young age, if anyone can remember - having a short explosive temper, also not quite a social bird. however, though i am still not quite a social bird, my people skills have improved tremendously! with a bit of temper in cheek!

being lonely.... is painful. sad. and it brings a lot of negetive energy with the word and mood. it helps to have good people in your surroundings to help get you out from a repetitive vicious cycle that seems to drag you down very so often...

Away...

Dear beloved and avid readers of the blog,

I do understand how your day can be quite uneventful without reading or hearing anything from me for days sometimes stretched for weeks... however, do try to understand that I am trying to keep a balance of making people or my laptop a constant good companion... still deciding!

To make your day, shall i update what has been happening?

1. My cousin had her wedding and 'I' was trying to help where necessary. and Everyone knows how hectic and stressful weddings can be like.. especially when things unexpectedly happened.. and you need to come up with a solution fast! anyways, thank god that is over and has a good ending.

2. I attended a course held by my own department in RIPASH. It was on tracheostomy care. and from that, i learnt more good information from the doctors and nurses... It was a nice experience. For a change, I understood almost everything they said without killing more brain cells in the process. It pays to kow your stuff before attending a lecture and killing yourself with textbooks to understand the topic. Well Done me! *wink*

3. Another cousin has been back from Germany and recently a friend of his came over for a holiday and trip around south asia. he is such a sweet boy. I am going to officially say... he is one of the more polite and nicer germans i have ever met. and soft spoken too... not to mention very nice, intense looking pair of eyes, even though there is nothing special to stare into ( I Know because i have done this... and dont anyone claim they have not because i know you have unintentionally!)

4. There was also the thing about "US" setting this german boy with my younger sister.. it was a laugh... and i was laughing... I like a good laugh... and a joke to play on someone once in a while!!!

5. Haslin was back in Brunei.. and June and I have been out with her on several occasion. It was nice. However, she got sick.. and i knew it wasn;t a virus from me. I had a nice time... and because of that... i am seriously re-thinking of i can afford to go to Germaany end of this year.... sigh.. spent what little i had on other things already! :(

6. I was on leave for 2 weeks because baby and her 2 friends were in Brunei.. i brought them around... destined driver and sort.. but also.. i spent time watching TV most times they were working.... They were dead tired the day i decided to bring them out shopping... so young... but so without shopping stamina.... Bungsu.. you would be dissapointed!

7. I was on the phone several times to an old friend whom got a 'scholarship' to further his studies but is not confirmed yet pending his IELTS... which is soon... so all the best!

sigh... are they more???? I am sure there are.... but for now.... be hapy with this ;) :P

tomorrow may be too late

The Message is really nice!!!

If you're mad with someone, and nobody's there to fix the
situation.... You fix it. Maybe today, that person still wants to be
your friend. And if u don't, tomorrow can be too late.

If you're in love with somebody, but that person doesn't know... tell
her/him. Maybe today, that person is also in love with you. And if you
don't say it, tomorrow can be too late.

If you really want to kiss somebody... kiss her/him. Maybe that person
wants a kiss from you, too. And if you don't kiss her/him today,
tomorrow can be too late.

If you still love a person that you think has forgotten you... tell
her/him. Maybe that person has always loved you. And if you don't tell
her/him today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you need a hug of a friend... ask her/him for it. Maybe they need
it more than you do. And if you don't ask for it today, tomorrow can
be too late.

If you really have friends who you appreciate.. .. tell them. Maybe
they appreciate you as well. That if you don't and they leave or go
far away today, tomorrow can be too late.

If you love your parents, and never had the chance to show them... do
it. Maybe you have them there to show them how you feel. That if you
don't and they leave today, and then tomorrow can be too late.

"Professional bithcing"

is there something called "professional bitching"?

I am sure I am not alone when I say we often talk about our collegues and counterparts, not to mention our management behind their back. Good or bad, its often called professional 'talk'. However, often, there are times when you need a bithcing session to let go of steam..

is there a professional way of 'bitching'???

In my opinion, there is. However, it is not easily achievable. How?

Well... When you are able to separate your opinions and your professional ethics... when you are capable to have a good level head despite hating the person you are taking about... when you are able to give good reasons not colouded by your hatred or negative opinions...

There are many privillaged persons are currently working as government servants. Some carry out their tasks and responsibilities as expected, however, there are several that just uses the opportunity to earn paying wage without really pulling their weight.

Worse is when these people are obviously not working. I shall spell it out... not coming to work, not carrying out work, not professional during office hours, not updating clinical knowledge and not carrying out clinical responsibilitie...etc.

BUT, because they are from the 'privillage' society, they pull invisible strings to keep them where they are and more...

Often, we know these irresponsible privillaged persons get to the top at a faster speed because of their position and/or family connections. No measure to count their responsibilities, quality of work and brain activity had been carried out.

It comes as a dissapointment when management disciplin normal workers compared to privillaged worker. Say, a normal person that does not come to work without proper reasons may get fired or suspended from work. However, a privillaged person may get a blind eye from their irresponsibilities... often without warning... like they are saying... "Good job!"

Where is the fairness of these all???

Because a lot of people are unhappy at how things have been carried out... peole often resort to preofessional bitching.

Management should really open their eyes... and cast no favouritis as called by His Majesty in his titah recently.

In another life time..

In another life time, (if you believe in it) I must have been a very
good clerk or secretary or administration staff. Why do I say this?
Well... Because I enjoy typing up reports (amongst other things),
making sure they are put into files, record it in a book, and send it
back to the storage. Though the job is 'boring' and repetitive.. i
find it theraputic... and not stressful.

In another life time, I must have been a musician. I don't play
well... but I enjoy music much. I don't have to know the lyrics to
songs but I hum along all the time. Occasionally, during long drives
alone.. i sing on top of my head horrendously! You'd faint if you hear
me.

In another life time, I must have been a hermit. After having so many
things to do, I find being alone and quietness is actually something
theraputic. I can live with. I do not mind being alone accompanied by
the internet, TV and books by my side.

In another life time, I must have been a cook. Like music, I do not
excell in it, however, I do love food. Certain types. I must have
been a MALAY in the previous life time as well as its the type of food
I love. I love Italian but i hate tomatoes.

In another life time, I must have been a critic. I often see little
things and say things in my heart, if not out loud. And when i say
something mean, often to myself and in anger to share with others in
my surroudings, i feel slightly happy. I am a sadist!

In another life time, I probably was thinking what i was in my other lives...

Family

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Source: Forwarded email from my Sister.