thinking out loud...

Recently, I found out that a lot of people i know patron this blog and actually READ... not browse through, but actually read... I freaked out.

I usually blog about things that are happening in my life.. or thoughts that are plaguing me, happy memories, things i want to express and more... and so I feel, sometimes i am rambling on topics that are passionate to me, but not everyone else feels the same...

I have a counter on the blog, and i often feel happy knowing and seeing that the number has increased and constantly changing... however, i always assume they are due to people that blog hopped that just happens to land on my page.... but... knowing someone you know is actually reading it, knowing how you think and click, know you more intimately... i wasn't sure about that.

i asked several people about my blog.... to find out if it is 'okay' to close down. Obviously, family members were not pleased with me.... calling me 'boring' however... a friend said, he patrons the page regularly.... and with this, he feels he knows and understands me better. He also said i have an element of 'truth' and that he likes my writing style... Another friend expressed a twinge of disappointment as she JUST discovered the blog by browsing through another's blog.

I wrote about this 'invasion' of thought and privacy as i tend to be very emotional, and personal with my entries. I thought the same way before as well.... in the initial stages... but at that time, i thought i would put in less 'personal' stuff.... i can't.... i like doing it like this :P

and so the question remains... do i close the blog down because i am afraid people "that knows me" think i am a 'freak' because i think differently, accuses and point fingers.... or do i dare to just plod on and express myself.

It is scary for me to think that people know me better because sometimes, i try to understand myself. Its also scary as i tend to be such a reserved person, only out of the shell with a few and still reserving the best just for me... but with this blog, i get to be more expressive, write more, profess more.... am i feeling that i no longer have the power to control the things people know about me? having less sense of power over myself??? does that makes sense? anyone understands?

Thinking back of the people i think i know are reading this blog.... it makes my skin curl... i shudder... not from fear.... but something else... uneasiness?

do tell me what you think.... Like i said to Adeline, a friend... i will sleep over it.... think more about it..... before i decide anything... help me think...