Ginny (SPY), Sophat (CPY), Yo (JPY) and Yah (TPY) in the train ready and excited for homestay 

Asuka and Jaq in the train to Yamanashi :) 

At the back is Motoko San - my administrator in charge of my group. She looks fierce and may sound fierce too, but she is NICE :) 

SG C waiting in line to get on the bus to go to the train station - ready for the Japanese homestay! 

Yah (boy in glasses from Thailand) is my assistant in this group. He is also nice. Next to him is Jaq from the Philippines. She is only 23 if i am not mistaken :P 

from the front to the back: Yo (Japanese PY), Amy (Malaysian PY), Daisy (Indonesian PY), Mike (Philippines PY) and me (Bruneian PY). Notice how extra short I am :P 

Uchi San with one of the Singaporean PY 05. Both are adorable :) 

This was the first "JAPANESE" style restaurant i went to in Japan during my homestay. Spot me at the back if you can... We were given a non-alcoholic, meat-free saba dish, a delicacy of the prefecture. 

Me and Ikyu (EQ) from Indonesia - waiting at the mayor of Yamanashi's office for an audience.  

I was the 'leader' for SG C, and this is SG C. They are the best :) and this was us after we finished a brief course in Japanese-style flower arrangement. This was carried out in Yamanashi, Japan. 

This was taken in Yamanashi, Japan, in the hotel where we were staying for a night. What was i thinking? Nothing to be exact :) and it was fun :P 

This is April 2006

Don't you sometimes feel lazy to update your blog? Don't you sometimes wish you have this sophisticated gadget that recognizes voice and it would type everything you want? Because such things exists :P sigh... just can't be bothered to fork out money to get it...

Things are happening to me on a daily basis... Just like the other day... we had a fun start on the stroke round... or the other day when i attended the national Stroke symposium... or the bit when my grandmother was unwell and i stayed in emergency till the early hours... or when i have a new clerk whom happened to be a sister-in-law of someone i knew and I am not impressed... or when i had to do more work on Special Olympics but relatively in the dark about what games and types of training i would be offering! or when i stayed in the clinic a bit late and i felt and heard something behind me...

Sometimes... things happens to me... every waking moment I have... and i take it in my stride... and i try to deal with it as best as i can at that moment and make good decisions... but because life is just so full of suprises... and things that are constantly changing... when they happen to me... It doesn't have an impact!! Everything is like a blur..

I no longer have that passion... that interest... that intrigue... that facination... Long gone are the questions... the willingness to make a change...

Am I at the brink of another burn out???

mid march update

I have not blogged for a long time... and there had been some notices in the tagboard for me to blog... some even write in their own blog for me to blog... Strangely enough, I haven't anything "intersting" that needs to be typed and posted... nothing "burning" that needs to be off my chest... Anything that happened so far... even interesting ones... I am talking them camly and in my stride...

I am busy with "Special Olympic Brunei Darussalam"... I am somehow involved in it... and there are MANY MANY things to be done... and then... there is "WORK"- clinical and administrative stuff... and also my cross stitching...

I promised a friend I would work on something intresting, arty and beautiful for his wedding sampler and present. However, the time i allocated for it to be done, had been taken over by "WORK" and the project is now way behind schedule... However, the friend's wedding is in the near horizon and i am meeting yet another dateline... and am desprate to finish it before the wedding date and have enough time to get it framed... otherwise it has to be given after the honeymoon...

no interesting things to say at this moment. but will try to update you with what had happened so far :

• bought a new phone. Its not Nokia, its Samsung. My first ever. I do not know what it is called... but it has radio, MP3, Video, Camera, bluetooth and more :P learning as I go... slightly different from what i am used to.
• My dad's birthday is on 19th March 2006. I dunno what I am getting him... sigh... perhaps dinner :P
• completed our "Scheme of Service" despite many changes that involves emails, graphs, texts and some angry dialog...
• Passed my BLS -Basic Life Support, one TRY only ;)
• cancelled "children" services due to the HFMD... so more time is dedicated to administrative work.
• part-time clerk
• bought a girly pink bag that people loved so much :) plus it was on sale :P
  
• stitching a friend his wedding sampler for a wedding present... sigh... if i get to finish it...
• trying to save money...
• my car is problematic... and may need $2000 to fix its problem... I am ANGRY!!!
• SLT CLinic in Kuala Belait had moved from Paediatric Clinic to ORL Clinic... The staffs there are NOT friendly.. if they try to do anything... ANYTHING... or even breathe hostility to me... I am going to breathe FIRE!!! the old location was full of friendly people...
• bought lots of book at the book fair.... loved it!
• joined kelas mengaji QUran every Sunday Morning... Skipped once so far since February... he he he... i was too lazy to get out of bed!
• RIPAS won 3rd place in the annual bowling competition of the Ministry of Health :) I was Head Cheerleader this year :P
  

Okay... will write and update more if there is anything intersting or worth writing... if i can find time to myself to think and maybe read something other then work texts.... sigh... such is life...

and Burt... sorry about cancelling our dinner.... *Hugs*

So many things had happened to me that I do not care to elaborate more than necessary... I don't believe in a bad month... but i am having a bad time...

first, early on the month, i was dumped. Reasons were i am controlling and made this person uncomfortable and weird. and i ask a lot of questions... who made the decision: the other person. How did it happen: I have no idea... Why did it happen: I do not have any idea. Closure? None what so ever. The other person did not even have the courtesy to answer my sms when i asked for my books back... somehow, it is a blessing in disguise. Do you want to end up with a man whom cannot apologise personally... and backs out from a healthy discussion...

MEN ARE SUCH BASTARDS!

Next: problems at work are plenty. Not in the order of it happening... but i have been sucked into writing up my clinic's scheme of service... and i am not very happy with the man responsible of it all.... I thought he was this person i imagined... but he is not... BOY! am i suprised he turned out to be a sucker leach that only looks after his own interests, fuck what other's interests are or what and how it would affect their lives!!!

Then, my amah in the clinic is retiring and the admin is not replacing her. Some bullshit about not having any amah to replace! the one we have could not even take messages properly! Not that i mind so much because she looks after us well...

THEN... my clerk had been promoted and has been taken by JPM... ALL that training for several years... and she is gone just like that. My friend and I are left to manned the clinic by ourselves, i.e. be the therapist, amah, cleaner, receptionist, secretary of the other therapists as well as the clerk of the clinic... and many more... and she too is not being replaced!

OH... and if i need to go to the toilet, i have to lock the clinic and leave a note saying i am in the loo taking a piss and will be back in 2 minutes... or else the big indian boss would hunt me down and just break down the toilet door!

Not to mention the doctors in the wards giving me a headache... a difficult patient with tracheostomy and ventilator dependent insisted to be fed... like how do we assess a patint in that condition. I went mad looking for a protocol for such a procedure... and could not find any... Thank god we have the support of several good dr friends... that backed us up and said an assessment is unwarrenty and is indeed risking the patient's health. but does that particular doctor cares? of course not... "i take full responsibility"... ARGH.. DICK HEAD!

I lost my saving account book where my salery goes into...and had to make another new account... I have informed my ministry and thought the "gaji" section would look after it for me... and all i have to do it just report it in.... NO NO NO... since when does the ministry of health look after its own people... NO! They only look after their own fucking backside!! watch their own arse!

I had to go to the ministry of finance myself and clear all this mess up... and on top of that, i had to cancel my patients to get out of the clinic... and then patient would be complaining that i have cancelled them to do something personal and it would go to the ministry and they would have a talk to me why this would happen... I thought the idea of having administrative staffs are for them to look after the administrative side for us clinicians.... if we have to do everything by ourselves... why do we have them? Why the fucking hell is the government hiring and paying them to do shit work, where as i do more than my share, got stepped on more than i care to remember and count, and get paid less than i deserve!!!!!

What the fucking hell is wrong with everyone?

personal:
My grandfather (My dad's uncle) passed on yesterday. He is a very nice man... he is always kind to me... and smiles at me... he always offer me advice when i asked or not... he had faith in me... and i know he liked me :) because he said it often... he is proud of what i had becomed and achieved...

I was in the hospital the night before it all happened... I just came back from Kuala Belait (ANOTHER HEADACHE!) when i got a phonecall saying he is ill... he have been unwell for such a long time...

4 of my family members died this year already... I am afraid...

Oh my god...

aren't you fed up sometimes with life...

maybe i should be a leach sucking bitch so i won't have to reduce myself to doing a "degree" job for a "diploma" pay! fuck off all those up there who does nothing but suck their thumbs when commanded!...

and yes... a friend told me about security of whatever in blogs... what who cares... THIS SUCKS... we should look after one another... try and make life better for all... not have a one sided agenda and only look after yourself... where is that responsibility to look after the people who look up to you and hope you would care and do something about it... Do you know people are always hopeful that the administrators are doing something to make life better.... but we know the truth to that!!! Do you even care that they they suffer? Seriously... can you feed a family with only $1000 a month! Be realistic!

for now... all i want to say to most people is FUCK OFF! I hope you rot in hell! and remain there for eternity!!! until i change my mind that i would forgive you...

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is medium. You tend to be the one with more power. You aren't a total control freak in relationships.. But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

fairy tales are "fairy tales"

When I was a young girl, I was a bookworm throuogh and through. Not reading text books but story books... I used to love fairy tales and i read them over and over again. I love reading more than interacting with others. When people came over to the house, i preferred reading in a corner of the bedroom I share with my sisters. I was very shy then. Socialising with people is not something that comes easy to me...

Books complete my fantasy about what the world is about. It is an escape pod... It also gives me an idea what the world and its people is of... What they see the world as... How they solve problems... and more...

I always found adventure and beautiful life's experiences in books. As i grew older, I started reading more different types of books. but then, books were expensive and the ones i can get hold of were only from the library. I read from fairy tales to mysteries, horror and romance. They are still the types i often read now... my taste are not as eclectic as others.

There were once a period in my adult life where I was crazy about books that i buy plenty of them and swap with friends. I even introduce and exchange them... it was a very exciting period in my life. I still have many unread books sitting in the closet, dying to be less of a virgin! ;)

My favourite fairy tale is Sleeping beauty. It is more "fairy tale" than the other books... the idea of prince charming finding you and waking you up from a slumber is very romantic. The idea of being protected most of your childhood is stiflinng but if for the better good, its alright. The fact that there are lots of people whom admire the princess and that she could do anything she wanted to except one was very nice indeed. It appealed to me...

BUT... fairy tales do put some crazy notions into your head... such as "happily ever after..." In this times... this is not exactly true is it... divorce is on the rise! People forget what romance is... what love is...

Romance and love is not only shown on a day popularly celebrated by the world but it should be shown everyday! Love is not about buying someone roses, but what it means to you. Chocolates are not romantic... but a nice lovely gesture is...

Someone said i should write about celebrating "Valentine's" day... maybe i should... maybe i should investigate this further... or maybe i won;t and let you all find the mysteries of it yourself... Not the saint or why people celebrate it... but more on why we "muslims" should not celebrate it... that would be a good topic indeed... Sad that the person who suggested me to write it is no longer talking to me... oh well... such is life...

Feeling emotional and sore...

When i clicked onto this page, i knew i wanted to say something... but as i stare at this blank page... my thoughts ran as blank as the page...

When i was on the Youth Ship, a guy friend once told me that I am "different" from the normal female species he has met... and he has met a few... He and the group think and felt that i am Opinionated and LOUD... He also said that it is not a trait that BRUNEIAN MEN appreciate very much. I am not sure if they are threathen by this quality but I do know they dont like it. Its one of those qualities they dislike i think... i can't seem to remember much but it goes something like that... hence, most of the men on the trip dislike me... I do not take heart... Someone is bound to not like me right... and you can't make people like you if they don't... acceptance is what life is all about...

My sisters and family and friends think i am opinionated... but they accept me as I am. Having strong opinions and not being afraid to voice them is not a crime and i refuse to change what i think is a GOOD trait i have. Having opinions is good... What good are opinions if you are not going to voice them... Obviously different people think differently... and hence when you have a difference in opinion, it does not mean that you are having a "fight" but merely an exchange of views in a healthy manner... It also makes you see things in a different light... and there is no wrong opinions as we all see the world with differently shaded glasses...

i never force someone to change their opinions to mine... but i do try to make them see sense in what i see... as i do try to see what sense they make of their world... hence the "banyak soalan" trait..

Again... Asking questions are not a crime... How else would you know someone if not through interactcion... and isn't asking questions about someone an interaction in itself... a form of commuincation in its most sophistication... BUT there are some out there that are uncomfortable with this tact... I don't understand why but it is not something i would force someone to do... "answer me now or else..." but you cannot demand that i do stop asking questions...

being you and being me is being comfortable in your own skin. If you are not... do you think others would? I am comfortable with me being "opinionated" (but i do think others are more so than me... I am just mild-moderate) and me asking a lot of questions (comes with the job too)... Why can't others be comfortable with that?

I am scarstic... and i do inject a lot of scarsm into my conversation... this makes me condesending to others... but scarsm again is just a way of communication. Obviously it is not for everyone... and a lot of us are sensitive about things like this... but it is something i only reserve for people i know well... and lower my barriers to...

If you cannot be yourself with people you know and love... what is the use of being you??? Even hollywood stars have to stop pretending and carrying an act around them all the time. If i can pretend all the time to be something that i am not just to protect other's feelings... i deserve all the oscars and globe awards in the world...

What is so wrong with me? I know i have flaws like others... and i never pretended to be perfect or something that i am not... i do not potray an image of hatred to others... and yet people do hurt my feelings often... To be liked is something but what i really want is to be understood... i cannot be something that i am not...

This is a public apology to those of you I may have hurt while knowing you... I do not intentionally and go out to hurt people's feelings but I have this bad trait that "attacks" people especially when angry or connered. To those who felt that i try to "brainwash" them through exchanging opinions and asking a lot of questions... I deeply and profusely apologise... Please tell me off if i do so the next time...

Life is too short to make enemies... and if i do make some... i atleast do not want them to be readers of the blog... If i die before any of you, please forgive me... as i do not hold any grudges with any of my readers or "real" friends... Friends i have only a few... and i cannot afford to lose them... you are like family to me... through thick and thin, we stay together...

Cumbersome....

As a favour to a friend... and partly because I was invited, and being the polite person that I am, I went to my friend's brother's wedding. I usually detest going to weddings. Not because of anything but only because its hot and you sit doing nothing but listening to a bunch of old ladies gossipping about things that does not concern them at all but others in a bad manner...

I studied in my religious school as a young girl about weddings in islam and what it IS supposed to be and such. Wedding reception was only meant to be a way to introduce and inform others and your "society" of whom you are married to... so there won't be any "fitnah" ot tongue wagging which is a popular sport amongst the men and women of this land I call home.

Another thing, it is not supposed to be a LAVISH occasion but instead a joyous one where you celebrate the union of 2 beings in moderation. Moderation in everything brings beauty much more...

Wasting one's money just to get married is something stupid... Taking up a huge loan just to please and feast everyone while you parade infront of everyone sounds like something you would do in ancient times... But not in this morden times... But such are traditions and cultures.... Its difficult to forget and overcome its influences.

I am not saying that you should forget your roots... instead to do it in moderation and within reasonable budget suitable within your means. And sometimes, traditions and cultures that are wasteful are best forgotten... But again, its difficult to separate your wants from those of your elders...

Everyone dream of a beautiful wedding... but mine is of simplicity, close friends and families in a small ceremony. But dreams can be shattered and belonging to a family whose believes in tradions is as strong as the butress roots of a tree in a rainforest, such silly fantasy is one that would only be in dreams... a beautiful sweet dream...

sigh... Traditional weddings are cumbersome anyways... not to mention a wastage of precious money... sigh... But one's fight against such causes are always "its once in a life time's opportunity"...

It is such a difficult choice... One of traditions and culture versus that of what the heart wants... Which usually wins... or which is of the stronger will and which usually bends... I know what is true for me but under the influences of my family anything can bend to their wishes... What is the answer true to your heart?

what would you do?

Today was an amazing Friday. I had fun in the morning doing chores. And I hate doing chores but this time it was fun as i did it with someone else... and this evening, I had a chat with several friends.... One of them was ZUL and we were chatting about things... Two of the interesting topics were: 1) what would you do if you can do anything for a day and is not recordable and make it as wild as we can... and 2) what are the wedding gitters or cold feet that would happen to the groom/bride before the wedding date.

Both topics are brilliant and i am undecided on what to write about. I would love to write about number 1 topic, but as soon as i started talking or rather typing away, i realised that i was more "ANGRY" rather than wild about anything. And on the second, would make a very interesting blog entry but i wouldn't know much about what to say... all i need to say is that it needs a bit of research before i can write about it.

So since research is required for the second topic, i should elaborate on the first one. And bare with me... and since we are allowed to share any wild ideas.. i would like to share with you what i like to do to my boss or anyone that pisses me off deeply...

I don't like to be angry and I am an ugly person when i do get mad. I say nasty things in the heat and even thought i mean it, one should not be so mean and say candidly what they think how horrible another person is. Anyways... When one person pisses me off, I usually try to control myself. and when it gets too much, i need to let steam off... and i found the best way to get steam off and it works most time. There were several times when it did not work, and so other means of letting steam off had to be retracted from this brilliant mind.

Anyways... those close to me or of my family members would know i do this as i often share what I'd like to do to that stupid boss of mine. It came as a sudden idea in a dream and it actually gave me inner peace... it was beautiful. I actually woke up with a smile...

Visualise this: You are working hard and your stupid arsehole of a boss put you down in a customary way like you are not human and is a sub-alien that is not worth the oxygen in this world. Where as you feel he should have become and born as the germ that feeds off shit that comes from BIG SHITTERS like himself...

So I am in this car... and I see him walking by.... and I hit him over... he fell on the ground looking up to see who you are... before he has a chance to run, you hit him again and again till he is unable to move. You aim higher to his head... you run your wheels exactly at the head repeatedly so the skull burst open revealing fresh brain....

you then walked out of the car in this killer heels and walk over the brain and mush it up till it is unrecognizable... you then take the pleasure of beating his dead body till the bones shattered to million pieces... No one is able to recognize him...

Its GORY... but the idea of this makes me smile :) and ready for another bit of the action and shit that he is giving... like it? leave comments...

What would you like to do if you can do almost anything without any consequences... and feel free to be as wild as you can.... trust me... ZUL was most wild... and i am most EVIL :P