These are just some of the minority chinese that lived in the mountanous area of Yunan. And these girls' hair are real from head to tip! They lined up the whole road.. 

This is my bus that brought me throught out the city of Yuxi. I didn't get car sick :) I think i have have been 'cured' ;) 

This is the path we took to go to the ecological park. Notice the stepping stones... it goes all the way and is actually enjoyable :) 

One of the activities we have to do is planting a tree to commomerate our historical being there. This is the Brunei Tree... and I, with the others are planting it in the ecological garden :) Lots of photographers were present everywhere. A pictures of the Bruneians planting their tree made it to the front page of Yuxi Daily :) 

These girls dressed in red are the ones that greeted us at the airport, opened the doors for us, waited for us at the lifts, ride up the lifts and walk us to our rooms, they also waited for us alongside the red carpet everywhere... They are college students... 

They gave us all a flag of china and our country in our room, alongside a free basket of fruits. Its replenished as well ;) 

This is my room, in the midst of packing. What you cannot see is the other bed on the other side of the room. One person has a room to her/himself. Its really nice to be in your own room. One complaint though... the air con in the room is not properly functioning, so i had to open the window every night, as you can see from the picture ;) 

Few of the banners hanging in the hotel's lobby. Its actually a nice lobby... a shame i didn't take a lot of pictures when i was there... 

Ms Zhang and Faisal (Head of delegation for Brunei Darussalam). Faisal is a man of few words and Ms Zhang is very worried of him. I am the mediator :) 

Siti and Yaumi, sitting on a bench a while, after they had finished exploring Kunming Airport for some necessary shopping *wink* 

The Brunei Contingent with our interpreter, Ms Zhang at Kunming Airport, Yunan, before our last farewell. Tears were exhanged with promises to write. 

Yunan, China

Dearest People,

I AM IN CHINA.. Specifically, I am in Jiang Chan, Yunan, south west of China. I was travelling with a group of people from Brunei yesterday from 10 in the morning, arriving at 10 pm at the airport, and another 2 hours drive to reach the hotel and conference venue!

We were exhausterd, but seeing that the people were friendly and greeted us lavishly with flowers and more... We were humbled. We also thought that we would be staying in the "middle of nowhere" since its another 2 hours drive... but was PLESANTLY suprised when we arrived.

The hotel is a 4 star hotel.. and it is just nest to a lake.. a fresh water lake... and the second largest and deepest in the whole of the land. I also get to sleep in my own room... NO SHARING! I have 2 single beds to myself... and a TV and also a clean toilet :) its exciting.

ON top of that... we are being served HALAL food by this muslim chef, waiter and waitress... While we eat and drink, they stand still to wait for our need. And its no ordinary dishes we are getting. We are served like 13 dishes per meal!!! From chicken to meat to vegetables to mushrooms and more... its really a pleasure... wasted are the food I brought along thinking I would be starving again like i did on my trip to THAILAND!!!

This morning, since the conference starts tomorrow, we walked along the coast of the lake. We had a magnificient view of this island in the middle of the lake. You can even see 10 meters deep into the lake. The deepest being 102 meters. Its really beautiful. Even if we do not have the opportunity to shop since we are evry far away from the city, the scenery is breathtaking... and does my brain and heart a LOT of good.

The people are friendly even if we do not understand a word they are saying. The more you try to communicate with them, the more they shy away from you. Its interesteing because, from certain people, i get this impression that they are manipulative and blood suckers! They are different from that!

Okay... I think i would blog this only... just to let you know that I am still around... and that I am think of what to write next. When I do not have to pay for what i write, i'll write more... till then, you all take care... and I will have FUN :) and mingle with the others.

several things had happened. Some are hurtful, and I believe its best to forget. I am still unsure how to react to being "snapped" at... I guess, my exterior shell will tighten its pores, so the delicate, soft flesh inside is protected.

Only tonight, an old friend called... and we chatted and chatted... must be at least an hour plus! It was nice to talk to a friendly person ;) and exchange stories... You never really know how much you miss a person until it hits you... It was an amazing experience...

I have been meaning to blog... about several things:
i) woman's health
ii) special education in Brunei
iii) renewed friendship contract
iv) 'makan gaji'

and a few others... When I am in bed, trying to sleep, I have these beautiful words in my head dying to be written. However, while waiting for the computer to heat up, I fell asleep till morning. Pretty useless...

I'm going to Yunan, China. I won't lie. I am looking forward to it... Getting away from the clinic is all I am thinking of nowadays. I can't wait to be burdeoned with Kuala Belait and Tutong at the same time! *mixed feelings actually!*

It has been some time, and a fe has been asking me to write some more... what can i say.... life has stood still?

I've always looked forward to working... never moan or groan to go to work... just hate to wake up in the morning... but doing the work.. seeing patients... I have never grumbled first thing in the morn... Now... I go to work, i work and i go home... clockwork...

I have turned into the person i was accused of... not caring... and now no one cares that i don't care... they leave me alone... when i cared... everyone was on my case as to why I do not make more of an effort... and now that i have proved to them, unlike before, that i do not care... they do nothing... why?

So maybe a move is good for me afterall... so maybe god knows what's going to happen before you even sniffed what is going to happen... everything happened for a reason right...

I was waiting for my boss downstairs today... i was waiting outside my building... It was just a few minutes...

IN that few minutes, i was looking around... I saw...

a frail old man with both his legs amputated waiting for his ride... and with him was his daughter or daughter-in-law. When his son came along... he greeted him with a warm smile and lifted him into the car... no grumbling... no moans...

another person i saw was this young lady... she is always in the hospital.. she sells rice, noodles, cakes and nuts to all the department in my building. She is usually the earliest one there... i saw her since before she was pregnant, during her pregnancy and now with her baby...

I saw a woman with her teenage daughter left the building together... they were talking and smiling... chatting aware and was not even aware that i was looking...

What do all these people have that i do not have?

Happiness.... and perhaps a peace of heart and mind...

I have turned 29... Life continues...

When I was younger, money was tight... we didn't have much hence, things such as birthdays are often not a MAJOR thing in our lives... and yet, we grow to be healthy individuals, with excess baggages! *wink* My younger aunts used to give us birthday presents... sometimes bake us a cake with a candle to blow. This is also the time of the year when we get our school supplies... I remembered, I used to get a school bag, pencils and a luxury would be a story book! Those were the days...

Nowadays,... people celebrate it in a ridiculously BIG way.. they spend a fortune... on food... on clothes... on people that not necessarily care about them... but do they really know what a birthday is?? Do they realise that they have grown a year older... and that they should make themselves closer to god! Do they know death is watching them???

I took my time out on my birthday... looking around... looking at people... "people watching"... I did it on TV... I did it in the mall... and I did it with my sisters... People around us enjoys life like there is no tomorrow... people are boisterous... people are laughing... people are enjoying the time off... yet... do they really appreciate the time they have? the time they spent?

Just a week ago, my grandfather passed away. He was my paternal grand-uncle, my grandfather's younger brother. Since I was quite young when my own died (I remember him and love him as much as he loves me!), he is what i consider to be my grandfather. My dad has this reverence for him. He doesn't everyone... He is one of those individuals whom i think is genuienely kind... he doesn't have a nasty heart... and is always willing to offer advice...

His sudden demise really slapped me in the face. I am very heartbroken... My grand... I need to look after my old better... keep an eye on them more... I am losing more than I am ready to let go... He really was a very nice individual... He remembers my name... a sudden flash of my life in the future without my "old" ones looked bleek... sad.... empty...

my birthday this year... has a sad twinge to it...

On top of the above,... a friend accused me of not caring.... Despite what i thought was helpful (in my own way)... it apparently was not enough... And when i asked this friend to 'calm' down and 'relax'... it was just a point of no return for me... i was accused of not understanding the situation this friend was in... When i did not ask about his/her day or tried to talk about something else other than that... I was accused of not caring....

When my grandmother had a stroke... nobody said anything to me... when my grandfather had cancer, no friends consoled me... when my grandfather was suffering from chemo and radiotherapy... and he is so far away from us... nobody told me they care or sympathesised... when MY own dad and mum is in and out of the hospital... with a heart scare... and then... with a stomache scare... nobody said anything to me... NOTHING!!! But do i accuse them of NOT caring??? They do care... up to a certain level... and i understand that they do not have to say much to express their concerns... why am i so different from this rule? why can't i conduct myself following this rule?

from being understanding... now i am furious...

My clinic clerk... sigh... I don't know what to say about her...

When we lost our old clerk (she moved to a better paying job), we requested for a new one. The administration finally gave us one after several weeks.

When we had her, we were very happy and was ready to accept her as part of the clinic family! We are such a small unit that we need to work together despite what problems come our way. First, she said something really upsetting to me that i was soooo furious... It made me had a 'verbal' fight with a friend... Luckily we tried to discussed it and realised that we have been conned... I have been so stupid to belive what she had said... i apologised profusely... and since then, i was cautious... I hated her for what she did to me... I haven't forgiven her yet!

Few weeks later, we asked her to carry out all clerical responsibilities... and should she have any problems... she should ask me or any of the therapists in the clinic... then... one day... when i was on duty to KB... she decided to not do any work...

She decided she had enough... and told one of my collegues what she is willing or unwilling to do... she came in to work late... and did not inform any of her superiors (therapists) and spoke to the administration before discussing it with us... She requested for a transfer...

and this is because she found doing statistics difficult!!! She can't even draw a table in microsoft word! It took her a DAY to create a table!

When i asked her to type a letter for my patient, it took her 45 minutes... and its ALL WRONG!!

and many more happened.... i take it one event a day... I am so tired ofh aving her around... having her around means you need to work harder (like you do without a clerk) and then babysit her!!! sigh...

recently Thursday, 13.07.2006, she informed one of my collegues that she is unwell and would submit a sick leave on MONDAY. Since its the long weekend, i informed her via text (since she would ALWAYS not answer my phonecall) that she need to submit a sick cert as soon as possible. This would be (without proof) like not turning up for work... and that could be taken disciplinary action!!! I then told her that a government servant is only given 7 sick days in a year... She had already been sick since MAY 2006 more than a week. I even informed her that this could be deducted from her annual leave (since a clerk in her division would have few days off, i thought it as sacred... like my mum would consider it). I also advised her not to get into trouble again... (She apparently is in a lot of trouble... she had been taken disciplinary action by the administration... and i knew of this only recently... that is why she had been transfered to US!)

Since i never recieved anything from her, i thought she took it under consideration... GOD knows she blew her top! she was furious with ME!! She said i assumed that she is a 'bimbo' despite working for 6 years already... and that she knew all the government laws... and that she does not care her leave be slashed off... and that she is really sick and would like to take some emergency leave...

and she did... she wrote a letter and filled in the usual forms... stating that she is unwell... and would like to take some time off... till the end of the month... and also applied to get out of the country for personal reasons...

and guess who have to go around the hospital and calling all the superiors for this to be signed!!! ME!!! I thought having a clerk is supposed to make our working life easier... this is only making and creating more unnecessary work for US all!!!

I got it all signed... and brought it to the administration... I didn't know she is 'fondly' known in the administration office... from the CEO office.... to the clerical office!!! NOBODY wanted to sign her emergency leave... they had to call an officer whom 'LOVED' her...

I was later informed (AFTER a long discussion) that she would be given her time off without pay till the end of the month BUT WOULD not be allowed to leave the country as she wished. and that I SHOULD contact her to make her know this...

sigh... she would not answer my calls... i do not know where she lives... i do not know her husband's phone number... and the person i know who knows never got back to me... sigh... so i texted her telling her of this... if she breaks the law and do as she pleases... I am afraid, this would be the end of her working in the government sector!

before this... I never knew anyone could be like that...

all of this spoils my mood for a good birthday....

Getting old is no fun....

When i was younger, my parents would advised me to study hard... to earn good money and live well... I studied hard... and yet I am not living well...

they also said that as a grown up, we would be 'better'... have a better life.... what they failed to mention is that growing up SUCKS.... being a child should be treasured... enjoy the stress free life... enjoy the sheltered life (i have this... never met people like my clerk until i am 29!!!)

Should i have 3 wishes for my birthday, i would wish for:

1. to be surrounded only by people whom genuienly care for me and about others... and that i should never have to come across any individual with a forking tongue or a fould heart!

2. health - for myself, and all my family members including dearest friends...

3. wisdom - to know what is right and wrong, and able to act appropriately as society and the community needed you to be... god forbid you to be your individual self and do what you see fit. From now on, i only want to do what is 'acceptable' and not do more than i normally would...

Time flies... its July... I have been so busy this past week, i hardly realised July had greeted us.. ME... with a sad, knowing smile!

Just sometime last week, my BIG boss (the indian man i had *&^% about) called me into his room. I thought it was urgent... and important... as it sounded very urgent.. so after a patient, i rushed into his office. When i was there... he asked me to sit down and asked me to tell him about the 'KB' offer. Note: he was on leave and have not heard about this yet. My immediate boss was supposed to let him know, but i supposed she didn't have the opportunity as the letter arrived before she could say anything.

He wasn't angry with me... That was for sure. Instead, I was QUITE shocked to learn that he was reluctant to let me go. He said, he didn't know me quite well, but from professionals and patients alike, he had recieved "many beautiful praises of your excellent work performances." DIRECT QUOTE. He added... patients are very appreciative of the work and help I have extended to them...

I was gob-smacked... I THANKED HIM!!! He said, he didn't say all those things if it wasn't the truth. He was "HAIRAN" questioning why I was nominated for the transfer.. He asked if the workload and services given in the current setting would be compromised.. I said YES! He asked if the new therapist could help - I said yes... but she needs further training to see the adult and specialised caseloads. He wasn't impressed.

He asked me if I was happy for the transfer... because if not... he said he could and would tell the higher authorities not to send me for the transfer. I explained the need for the provision of service there and if it does not happen now, it would eventually happen soon... He was impressed with my answer. But he told me that if possible, he only would let me stay 2-3 years, as opposed to the 8 years i may have suggested to my own senior.

The most funny question he asked me was if my 'head' had sent me to KB as opposed to the others because of a vindictive bone she has against me! I was SHOCKED again! Where does he get all these. I told him again that ALL of us has good working relationships. We may not agree all the time, but we all are still very good and kind to each other. So i told him, I DO NOT think that she is purposely being malicious. It just so happens that I am the perfect candidate!

I'll keep you posted of what happen next... But I think, July is probably not my month to go there... KB would have to wait longer!

My dearest readers, one of my BEST FRIEND's father underwent a heart surgery and suffered complications. He is now in ICU. He had a stroke but we are unsure of its extent. Please, EVERY TIME you see this, pray for his safety. AMIN!

Love Actually...

I love watching movies... and one of the movies i just watched on TV was "Love Actually". I remember watching this movie at Empire with Agnes and Oha. One of those rare movies where we actually took the time to make a date between the three of us. It was a LOVELY movie then... and its a lovely movie now.... I've only watched it about 5 times now.

Every character in the movie is a cherished player. I love all the actors and actress... It makes the movie perfect... and the opening and ending of the story is just perfect. Its a movie about us... about people and their basic feeling... basic feeling everyone feels... despite different colour and languages we speak... I am talking about LOVE.

Sometimes, we have 'love' but we take them for granted that we forget to cherish it... until it feels as if we are going to lose it. Others, find love again and again. Others, are just miserable at finding love with another but their family members/friends.

Love is one of those emotions that ties you to another person... a feeling that makes you very human and one with feelings... Love also sometime teaches you personal 'lessons' in life and teaches you to make a good decisions. Love teaches you to love another... and cherish each other...

Inspite of having love, some are just unfortunate not to have any love and go through life without experiencing any 'loving' emotion... and this is just sad.... either loved by another person... or families... each and everyone of us should have the experience... but not all of us are that lucky!

I would be very lucky if i can only be loved like any one of the characters have been loved... I would be very lucky to find love... I would be very lucky indeed to have friends that love me inspite my shortcomings... I would be very lucky indeed if I am surrounded by loving family...

Like the movie itself... i really do hope that love is actually around us... that it protect us from making the biggest mistake we can ever make... That it engulfs you in this bubble of happiness that nothing matters except that you are surrounded by people you cherished (AND GOD!) and is always in an environment where you are always nutured.... such is my wish for myself...

I want to dish dirt... I have been dying to do so for at least a week... but my brain stopped me... kind of forced me to "NOT TO DO IT"... so I changed my mind. I can be a horrid person to "PISS OFF" but i have my senses - most of the time. At least my brain tells me not to do it, even if my feelings are strong about dissing someone whom had made my life HORRIBLE! and I know I can do a VERY GOOD job of spreading the word when i want to...

and since i cannot get over this constant anger i have and escalating... i have to let it go and talk about something else.

I was bored today... so i watched TV. Always watching TV and channel surfing until something caught my eye. and today, a movie on channel 40 caught my eye - Lorenzo's oil. I watched this movie at least 5 times.... over the span of 12 years...

Everytime i watch it... my eyes spontaneously swells... everytime i watch it... i understand in awe... I feel empathy... I feel for what they feel for their child... and the wanting to do and achieve better despite being turned down... I understand all that...

It makes we want to be a better person... It makes me want to live life better.. it makes me want to help people sincerely and more honestly... (NOT that I am not....)

I have been telling my patients slowly that I am moving to KB and their therapy intervention would be carried out and followed up by another therapist. Obviously, I reassured them i would discuss their plans explicitly with the new therapist. Its very heart warming to hear parents and patients both expressing their worry...

some said "Why are you going?", "What about us?", "How about my son's treatment? He has been doing so well.", "I see improvements with you.... how about the other therapist?"... etc...

I take these words of worry as compliments of my work and achievements... They know and felt results with me, inspite me working them hard... and obviously worries that my succesor is unable to carry the load.

One of my collegue is worried that I would transfer a lot of cases to her... as she do not want to be made comparison with... Meela Vs her... *wink* I thought its cute... and it warms my heart... i feel less anger building in me...

Sometimes... when you work so hard... you try and give the best possible treatment plan.. you encourage them... you invite them as your family... you want them to achieve many things.... and sometimes.. people take you for granted... they forget that a simple 'thank you' makes your killing back, spliting headache, my multi-fights with other team players all worthwhile.... just a THANK YOU....

Occasionally, i get cards, wet kisses, flying kisses, salams, hugs.... i treasure them always.... I always try to remember my patients.... and they remember me... i only really hated ONE patient in my 7 years as a therapist!!! That must be an achievement!!!

Humans have this tendency to say and talk about things that they think they know about, but really, they don't! They'll expand and speculate on what they know, thinking they have looked into all the posibilities and the bigger picture, but they have not... and they won't realise it until someone points this out to them...

My dad scolded me for being 'atypical' bruneian when i complained about work... He reminded me that there are things going on behind my back that i probably do not realised of... things that needed to be ironed out... kinks that need to be straightened before things can proceed.... but he too, was !@#$% after listening to my plight!

off tangent a bit...
Others, make decision without considering how it would affect others, especially people working under them. They make a decision because they are slef-centered and not think about issues throughly. and once you make a decision, some are irreversible! Effects of one silly act may ripple forever, touching lives of many others than yourself.

consider a shallow basin of water representing the us... and a blue dye are supperiors or managers with bad decisions or head on them. How many of that do we have here??? say we are being kind, 20 people, means 20 drops of blue dye... won't the water change colour too....

bad actions, one way or the other, reflects badly and affect all involved, inclusing bad foreign investments. Hence heads or supperiors without consience or leadership would infact ruin a clean basin of water... such a shame too as the basin of water had plenty of potential...

read it... understand it...

I am so sad... What is happening??? Why is it happening now??? What's our future?

My sincere appologies to my readers (family and friends),.. OOO thee faithful readers of the blog. Reasons for the lack of the blog are various; a main cause was the acting up if the espeed! It has been acting up since my "annual leave" early last May 2006. and today, it miraculously emerged from the dead; not that i am ungrateful.

Life is ever changing. Just as you think you have figured things out, and became more comfortable with your life, life turns and gives you a sharp turn; you either follow, or get thrown off viciously, getting severly hurt, and perhaps beyond repair - again, depending on the speed at the turn life hits you! Then again, such turns in life makes you examine yourself, your endurance, abilities, capacity and more to accept and adapt to changes in work, life, and surroundings.

Five years ago, I was already fed up with work. Since then, I have applied twice for a transfer from the MOH to somewhere else, i do not care where or what i do... Doing clerical work was acceptable to me, as long as i still get to pay off my loan and still live to see the day! BUT, everytime i get close, a path closes and i never seem to get far. I was quite dissapointed, but such is life and fate. few months later, i suggested to my HOD that we need to spread our wings. Perhaps, a therapist in the biggest district to provide services and then, maybe the Ministry would care to see how desprate we are and would help in "training" and personnel reinforcement.

That dream and hope was dashed. Not much reason was given as always. It was always burried, something unsettled! It was as if, it was an idea that could not be "used". or it was a bad idea or better yet... it was "TABOO" because it meant more work for everyone involved!

As I was enjoying my 2 weeks off from work, early this May, i recieved a pressing message from my boss to contact her ASAP, as soon as I am in the country! I thought, she would like me to help with the administration work or some sort of VVIP was ill, so i DELAYED it. Why should i call? I was on leave. and I have a boss... so she should be able to handle it! Why me?

It bugged me eventually, so i gave in and called. I was suprised that she wanted to talk to me to find out what or how i would react to a transfer to Belait, and looking after Tutong at the same time!!! I didn't have time to think it through, I was unsure. If life can change in one month since my absence from blogging,.... well life have certainly have changed since i made that suggestion 5 years ago! I have more to reconsider...

I told her things that made me a bit reluctant to go... things that i was unsure i would be able to cope with (ONE therapist for 2 districts! Are you MAD???) things like financial support as well... sigh... but silently i knew it would be me!!! Who else would it be? You'd think she be more creative in finding someone else....

This has been confirmed from the clinic's last meeting, 2 weeks ago... I am going to leave Bandar Seri Begawan and Leave to work and live in Belait, starting from July/August of this year! The longer you have to think about it, the less painful it feels... plus with all the changes that is happening in the hospital, i think life is being kind to me with this transfer!!!

My family had some difficulties in accepting this initially, especially my dad. He was really not pleased with the idea, me and the move. I was told off severely, and was quite scared to tell him the confirmation. I had to rely on my mum and sisters to inform him.... and again, i only started to talk to him just a few days ago!

With time, you get to think clearer... and i got to think clearer and PANICKED!!! OH MY GOD! I worked my arse off for the current hospital setting... I made so many therapy material, leaflets, pamplets, statistics, etc... and i'm leaving them all... i have to make NEW ones that i can keep in the new setting... and to make things worse... i have to make everything in TWOS as i am looking after 2 hospitals!!! ARGH!!!

Then... it made me realised... i have no computer... no clerk... no amah.. no assistants... no therapy materials... NOTHING and NO ONE.... i only have ME! I am not afraid of hard work... but I AM AFRAID of starting a clinic with NOTHING!!!

When i spoke to my HOD... (to make things short) and she to others... i was only given $2000 to start these new clinics... my heart dropped!!! SANK.... to the newest LOW it has ever had to drop from a blow!!! How can you do this to ME??? Why would you do this to me? These questions played and played all the time in my head...

I started to over eat again... sleep but always feeling tired... waking up when i sleep... feeling restless... having nightmares... waking up at 6 am, sometimes worse... at 5 and unable to sleep again! and always, always thinking of my new setting and 'friends' there....

But could it be worse from what my friend had to endure in my absence? To train an obstinate and sometimes in your face new collegue whom is nice to me, but could be a bit difficult to 'teach"... a clerk whom pretends to know to use a computer but takes the whole day to type a silly letter and then, type using capitals!, she also is incompetent and is plain lazy!!! that she boils my blood!!! (I CAN WRITE AND WRITE ABOUT HER... all things that she does that boils my blood... i can tell you better verbally! really really a person whom does not respect WORKING HARD or even working as a motto!!!) and pressure from the current setting to continue providing services of a 2 speech therapist when clearly, she is the only service provider!! and unnecessary extra work from a HOD whom promised to do managerial work, and not clinical work, but seem to throw 'adminitrative' work to us because she is busy or unable to do it, or just because we can do it better... or worse, because we can and we have been...

Who's fate is worse?

Life continues as we speak or read or write... life is really taking into stride what funny balls it throws you, and fate help seals what life is meant for you... but whether life is bad or bearable or good, all depends on how we approach life's advances...

For now... i have:

• a new clinic to think of
• a clerk that i am unhappy with
• a family i have to leave
• new friends i have to make
• pack and unpack
• to basically start all over again.

what saddens me is that this move is not throughly thought of... no one thinks about:

• who would cover the service when i am on leave
• how long i would be based in Belait. from the sounds of it FOREVER!
• how i feel to move and disrupt my current chaotic life
• my current patients and their management
• programs that i am strongly afflliated to
• my family. they only think about theirs and how it would change their lives.
• writing me a formal letter informing me of this move and change... and without it, I won't be able to apply for a house... and without a house, i am not going...

I hate the word PASRAH... but yet, I am... What is meant to be is meant to be... I only hope, life is kind to me as it always have... and i hold on strong to words someone used to say to me... "God test you only because he knows you can"...