Reminiscing Part 2

Part of reminiscing is you look back on what had happened in your life, and what a better record of my past than browsing through this blog. I had documented bits of my life for a certain period but recent ones are unrecorded but I remember parts of it very clearly. 

Just looking through bits of it - there are few things I realised. 

1. I have a way with words - it paints a picture. 
2. I have had good vocabulary - I amazed myself  as I read through my own stories. 
3. I share chain mails - copy & paste onto the blog especially if it had something to share. 
4. I made so many spelling and typing mistakes - should have spell check before i post; but in my defense, i write at night and is often 
5. Grammar can be bad - hahahahahah! I cringe when i re-read some sentences. 
6. I am opinionated - still am!
7. Thinks the world is perfect - rose tinted glasses!!!
8. I had periods of fav fonts - still do!
9. I can be funny but I can also be depressing!!!
10. I skate around the think ice - Topics are the truth, just there is a deeper as i read my own words i remember and i know... (Somethings are not to be written on paper and if you remember, you remember.)

Life is not always a bed of roses. Things happen... Some good, some not so good. Some you record. Some you lie about so it doesn't hurt as bad. Somethings scars you for life - its a lie that says time heals. The truth is... time dullens the pain, but its still there. and memories revives what you went through. and memories can be bad... theres that thing you do that you think its all you and its your fault and that you could have done something about it. But you didn't. Its called self-destruction! But you have to be stronger than that - easier said than done, but it can be. Do you have the strength? 

 

Reminiscing

Its been a long day at work and I deserved to rest today. I had a burger with coke zero for dinner while switching on Netflix to watch a no brainer movie to unwind.... to sleep. 

Serendipitously, on the screen of my phone, a movie I watched more than a decade ago.... A movie that brought back memories... used to bring curses on my lips and sometimes tears...

Now, i just chalk it down to life experience. Through pain or life experiences we kindly call it after decades of numbness, we get to tell great stories... pretend to learn from mistakes, understand our young selves and figure out what was going on and why we made those choices thus improving one self.... or just kill yourself over and over again while you relive the memories. 

The  movie was called Serendipity. I must have watched it 3x in this lifetime. Once with a group of people. Secondly, when I was heart broken in my late 20's and thirdly, today while in the tub having a soak. 

The movie it self... its nice. Its heartfelt. Its exactly a movie for someone like me... a softie or better known as a sucker... a romantic. A dreamer. 

 The definition of serendipity is a happy accident. The and the movie was depictive perfectly, I thought. It was fast paced and you  feel invested in the main characters and you want them to achieve the goal... the happy, perfect accident. Secretly we all want that for ourselves. I don't think I have ever been brave enough to voice out my wish of a serendipitous ending or even story verbally to anyone. Bravery is important to weild happiness. You can't expect something out of nothing. Effort is important too.

Any ways, I was interested in this younger man that was introduced into a group of friends. Initially,  another friend was interested in him so I stayed clear. The friend wanted some help to decipher if he was interested so I meddled a bit to find out but he wasn't. My friend moved on yet we ended up closer. Up to a point we would hangout most days, watch movies, chat, dine,  pray, play games, met each other's friends, met each other's families by chance of course.

Painfully, after few months, I find out that he likes another person he met at his new work interview and went throigh training together. They ended up together so its great for them. 

Me...  I ended up gaining experience and heartbroken. Yes, I cursed him for being a jerk... stringing me along... but thinking back... he never said he liked me. Never said we were going om a date. He was just being friendly and I over read the situation. Bad on me. Lesson learnt. Barriers! Limitations! Less trusting!

Years later... at Empire Cinema, leaving the theater after watching a Harry Potter movie with Burt and Khairul... I saw him outside waiting to go in with his wife. Again, he was friendly and chatty. I did stop out of shock but also politeness but i left abruptly, running after the boys and gave a weak lame excuse to go. I am a coward... i cant do it... it just brought unpleasant memory of me being stupid. 

I heard of him... Brunei is too small to avoid each other completely. But i have not seen him since.... I don't think I would like to anyways... the past should stay in the past. 

Thoughts...

In my line of work, you see all sort of things that usually is not discussed... things that happen behind closed doors... things that people sometimes do not even know happens in their own family... things that shook you. It can be embarassing or devestating... always to those involved or looking from outside in!

I am far from perfect and my family have its own skeletons that we don't share or air with people outside our circle. I guess... this is a norm. 

There are many others that would share details of hardship...  it could be freeing to share, even important and life saving...  its humbling to hear their stories... it always makes me feel lucky. 

I had a new stroke patient - a lady in her 60s...my receptionist was trying to schedule a teleconsultation, but was received with a cold answer 'Is it necessary?' And my response was 'Yes because you were referred.'

On the day of counsultation, i called... many times.... no answer! So i texted and gave options... to reschedule... to decline help. Many hours later, the husband answered and declined intervention. I accepted and recorded it. 

But... as a person... I feel sad. I see this happenning too many times. Why wont you help her?

Generally, the trend is... 

A wife will look after and care for the husband, while the husband would not necessarily do so. Though there are excellent husbands out there and i have seen a handful, there are equally horrible wives out there.... Don't get me started!

An adopted child would look after his adoptive mother, while a woman with many children finds it difficult to get just one child to look after her. Again... there are many cases where natural kids do look after their old. 

We live in a strange world... values are not the same... not even close.... but we share the same culture, religion and common values of the land... and yet, we are so very different. 

Yet, I have a friend whom is not of this culture, not of the same religion, grew up differently from me, not of the same continent, experiences different climate, different languages... yet our values align...

Its the last day of work for the year, and we have a huge departmental meeting - Setting up new meeting dates, talking about SOPs and steps we are taking to make things safer for everyone, preparing for the unimagineable... yet positive outlook into things and more. At the same time, all of us decided to glam up / dress up despite the hard end quarter of the year we had. What better for it to be accompanied with food. 

I saw lots of photos in my blog that I had uploaded years ago that had gone - not sure why and I am unsure if I kept copies... So here is something for the blog for me to remember myself in years to come should I forget about you and get to rediscover you again. 😃

At first, I wore a mask then I took it off for picture taking sake. This baju kurong is about 10 years old. It was on of the glam-est dress I ever made for my cousin's wedding. 

In the clinic while waiting to make the first call with the patient this morning. 

Decided I should show off my face and kept it as a memory for when I view it again in a decade. Have I changed? Matured? Showing my age? 

Dark clouds

 Ever felt like you are alone despite being surrounded by people? Looking at others as if you have an out of body experience? Looking at your life from outside? Feeling empty? Alone...

This is always a bad omen when I feel like this... Its like something bad is going to happen to me - mentally and physically, if I do not curb these bad feelings and throw them into a box and lock it up safely in a vault that no one would have access to. 

"Fake it until you make it" said my Psychiatrist. 

Somedays, you feel like you made it... Most days, you feel like a fake and it drains  you out. Smiling but not reaching your heart. Smiling but it doesn't touch you. you feel, Empty...

One of those days, I sat at a corner as always - and was left to my own thoughts... It did not begin as such. It was a normal day. Then, I was looking at the kids play. I was looking at how happy they are... how abandoned they were expressing their feelings freely without fear or judgement. I have to admit I was envious - I did not feel that as a child. Always thought have to be in control. Behave. Contain. I had always been a 'Good child'. 'Behaved'. "No problem". 

As I sat there looking at them, my thoughts wandered to my sisters whom they belonged to. Their family. How they belonged to each other. How that must have felt. Someone of your own. Yours and no one else. Your other parts that make you whole. Life don't always feel perfect. I see scars, i see pain, anguish, tears, hardwork. But I see the outcome. Life worth living. Something to show for it. Something tangible. I have nothing. 

The more I look, the more I see, the more I feel pain. Not for them, but for me. What am I here for? Just for others? 

One of the reason I stayed working for the government was that I truly felt THAT is what my life is - Serve others. 

I am here to serve. I was born to serve. I am here to help. Just for others. And most of the time, I do not mind. In fact, I enjoyed it tremendously. 

Lately, I just feel so drained. exhausted. Depleted. I wake up to work. I go home to sleep. and the routine starts all over again. Occasionally, I go home - I feel empty. Occasionally, I go out with few friends - I feel the company. But something is missing. I am missing out. 

Maybe it time to venture out. Do something for me. Find something for me. Search what is there for me. Be selfish and leave. Be brave and mount on that horse that will bring me away from here. Seek what I longed for - Fulfilment. 

I know these signs... These are bad signs... I am trying to clutch on the walls to climb out. I try not to dwell in the feelings that starts the waterworks. I am weakening. Am I that strong? I do not want to fall into that rabbit hole again. I do not want my world to crash down again. I am afraid and I am alone. 

Talk to someone you say... I say this all the time. I preach it even. Who is the person that is safe enough for me to say all these things to? Who would understand? Who would not judge me? 

Ya Allah - I have forsaken you. I am very sorry. Is this the way of your help for me to return to you? I am humbled I am still in your grace. Ya Allah - Give me strength. I know you do this for you know my ability to spring back. My strength. With you help I can do this again. Help me for I am lost. 

And the tears starts falling...

Jaro

 I was lonely and I felt I had no one to talk to. I busied myself with reading, cooking, eating... but I still needed someone to talk to or succumb to the darkness. I remembered in University, as a student, I used to go online onto Alamak to 'chat' / talk to others... I went by the name 'City3'. So I went on it and started talking. I stayed for a bit - few days but people were not interested in talking. 

I visited few other sites and they were similar. People - men and women, were similar. They were seeking companionship - but most used an approach that was unsuitable for me. I like to keep the chat clean and just evoke conversation what ever it might be, Even learn new things if they were willing to share and not give up on my shallow knowledge. I met few people along the way - some I spoke with for awhile, but one I kept for the longest time. 

Could it be 2014/2015 - I started talking to Jaro. He is from Slovakia. Our conversation started heatedly - about religion. To be specific, about Islam. He had a lot of questions that I was able to answer but what made it difficult was he wanted reasons - some I knew of... but others, I had to do some research and ask family / ustaz. 

I 'kept' Jaro (We kept each other really) because he was intriguing. The conversation, though heated, was in good spirit. We were really conversing - respectfully, I might add. I remembered the conversations went on for few months - eight I think. and it was every other day. It was really fun. It kept me on my toes and investigate my faith even more, which was all good. It was something I always looked forward to. 

Our conversations are often written / typed. Occasionally, we exchange audio files when we are unable to text e.g. driving. Rarely, we video call - its been a handful, though. We should really do that more often, so we can see the surroundings, but its just difficult to balance with the difference in time. Now, our conversation varies - we talk about music, current events, work, family, weather, gardening, cooking etc. Its different but still intriguing. 

I cannot remember exactly how but we moved from the chat platform to WhatsApp - and we spoke almost everyday. The most we have not spoken to each other is 10 - 14 days at a time.  Either one often checks on the other if we have not said anything. I dare say, we have a good friendship going. 

The last time he disappeared' and did not reply to my messages, he got me extremely worried. and rightly so - he was admitted in the hospital! He even had surgery! He was in ICU for few days!!! Though he was fine and it was only for observation, I was really worried for a friend I have never laid my eyes on. 

How would I describe him... well... 

• Brainiac -  Its self-explanatory if you know him. 
• Loving - He prioritizes his family despite a busy schedule especially when they come visiting. He talks highly of his mum. 
• Adventurer - Often travelling for work, but it also feeds his need to explore and see the world. Going for walks and seeing nature is something he enjoys to destress. 
• Chatty - Apparently chatty only to certain few, I appreciate that he enjoys my company and finds me safe to talk to. Its easy and free to express ourselves without judgement though conversations were challenging and provoking. 
• Safe - 7 years and counting this friendship is flourishing. Definitely a keeper. 

Back in 2019-2020, I was in UK for 3 months. We talked about visiting each other, but I couldn't. I was there for a reason and felt bad to go off gallivanting, but it was tempting. Jaro was in the Philippines for business - so near, yet I was unable to fly and meet. One day - hopefully, we get the opportunity to meet each other. It would be so much fun. One day... 

So much has happened...

 So much has happened in the years I left writing the blog. Where do one begin... What do one write about... List of things to write? Share? Document? 

• COVID19 - First Wave
• COVID19 - Second Wave
• Multi-tasking - PRO / Training / SLT 
• Nenek meninggal 
• Daddy meninggal 
• Cuti 3 bulan 
• Neice & Nephews 
• AVT
• Friend abroad
• UK road trip 
• Whats' interesting over the years... 

Welcome back!

 How long has it been? I almost forgot this place exists - it took me awhile to search for access or even the link to the blog! I really have forgotten! Luckily, I saved or linked things and regained access! AMAZING!!!

How did I get to thinking about this again?? I was browsing WhatsApp status of people on my contacts - Something I do not do often. And one person had an image that said "To understand yourself: Write". Naturally, I responded saying "True" and shared that I had a diary and blog that I wrote about stuff. Occasionally, I read my entries and rediscover things about me that I had forgotten. It helps me to understand me better. 

Few days before the conversation I had with the friend, I had similar conversation with my sisters where we encouraged my nephew to record his childhood through other methods such as drawing, writing, vlogging etc. How uncanny! 

I love reading through my entries over time - I have not changed much over the years. Some of my opinions remain the same e.g. my entry on 18th January 2005 on "Blog: An insight to the soul? Daring or Stupid?". Some entries remains my favourite - its funny, charming, light, enthusiastic. Some entries were sad and angry - and when I read them, I feel them all back. Memories rushes back to me. I can visualize the situation as it happened, me writing on my PC etc. Such is the beauty of words. 

So having that twice in a month, reading my entries and memories flooding back - perhaps maybe I should write again?

It always sadden me how people react to others.... especially how one treat a family member.

I start the night with best intentions... but i get really annoying feedback... maybe not verbally... but through expressions... tone.. gestures... messages... it just really annoys me when people dont reciprocate like with like...

Then i think... everyone is different. Everyone have different stories. Everyone had a different day...

But if we tell ourselves to leave home life behind and focus on work... why bring work life home and spread the cow's ass look?

Really... if i cant hear you... i cant hear you. That is why i repeated what u said... had i heard it... i would respond to it. BITCH!!!

I am unwell. Sneezing. Coughing. Runny nose. A bit of blocked nose. Slightly pounding head.

In the kg clinic at the moment waiting for my turn.

Alhamdulillah... i have my period at the same time... so i can drink and hydrate. Others probably are not as lucky as I. Alhamdulillah 😊

Happy birthday to me...

a year older... some say a year wiser...

I dont feel older. Nor do i feel wiser. I feel helpless. I feel afloat ... adrift... somewhere... i am breathing... i am alive.. but... what am i doing???

some ppl greeted me... some family members greeted me.... most forgot.... most don't care.

Someone earlier in the month... someone from my past... rekindled briefly... he remembered then... no greetings.

Someone i though wouldnt greet me.. did.

Someone whom most of the time on my mind... didnt. Forgot too.

I am a forgetable person.

Its sad to be alone... sadder thinking you are alone. No one around. No one to share what you are thinking or feeling. Sadder feeling no one to call your own... that does not judge you. Accepts you as you are, flaws, quirkeness and all..

Who do you trust and share your heart? Who do you trust your heart to without it being crushed?

Someone you think you know for years can easily break it with few exchanges... unknowingly??? Once broken... its unfixable? Perhaps... fixable... but its not the same.

Someone you knew for awhile... thought you knew and share lots of things with... then became someone you don't know. A stranger... when did that happen??

Someone you barely knew... trusted and believed... stabs you.. because of your own stupidity...

We are taught to be grateful for what happened.. God knows better... I am grateful to be alive.

I feel like i am left a message that i am unable to decipher.  My self esteem is on an all low... is it me? I am such a bad person that people leave me... dismiss me... hurt me... unworthy...

i pray for strength... i pray for forgiveness... i try to mend and patch my broken heart... its patchy...

i want to be better... can i be better?

what exactly needs changing?

How can i change it?

Being alone is not good... especially for me. Voice inside rebels... cries... screams... i blame me... i am sad... not just  feeling it but figuratively too...

I m sleepyyy

I wanna talk..

But tired..

Try soon.... 

It appears that I am a fool... I am not what I pride myself to be... a good judge of character.

Past experiences had shown me volatile episodes that had been exchanged between me and A... and after all that... i bury the hatchet... and several months later, it happens again...

I hate rows.. I always lose rows... I do not know how to win one amicably. I thought rows, if handled healthily, and in the same method i have figured it out in my head and as the books says or like the movies and dramas portrayed it,... should be productive, does not need to be hurtful and dismissive... but why are my rows so.... hurtful, explosive! Leaving me feeling horrible and abandoned?

Why can i facilitate others to have healthy rows... and i can't even have one of my own??

I guess... it matters who u are having the row with...

To make matters worse... I do not even know what happened!! or why it happened!!

Surely there is such thing called "Give and take" or is that just something Oprah preached and few of us listened and practiced???

Surely I can't always be in the wrong... and that i always have to give in and never have the last word... or... not raise concerns or questioned a reaction...

Or is that how life should be? and I really missed the boat??? Is that what being a friend is... always giving in?? always saying yes? Always accepting and not asking??

A friend once told me... The guy for me is not born yet. At that time, long time ago.. i laughed it off... Thought it was a bit crass of him to say such a thing... let it pass... now... I wonder if what he said had some merit... or am i simply an alien born in a human form - hence unable to figure the rules of life / friendship...

Being alone sucks... 

Past few nights, i had company... and we were talking... She said something about me that I knew I am... but did not expect her to see me that clearly... I wasn't hiding... I was being me... but really... to see that... I really need to do something about me... do something healthy for me...

Next year... I am going to:

1. Read more

2. Learn a language and maybe get to know more new people?

3. Focus on my new home - get furniture...

4. Let go of some responsibilities... I need to talk to my superiors.

5. ? Learn music again..

 

I really am a crab... tough on the outside, all brave and all... but inside, very soft.

At a younger age, I envisioned a different outcome for my life. I romaticised what I would be doing, what my life would be like... This, today, had never crossed my mind.... 35, single and alone!

True I never thought I would marry at a young age, but I never thought I would be single at this age, yet alone thinking I would be single for the rest of my life... It is not scary... Lonely perhaps...

When I first started work, working in the hospital wards and watching the single, old ladies... no one to look out for them, no one cares... It scared me that my future is staring me in the face!!! so maybe my fears were founded after all... 

Call me naive, but I like to believe the good will always win, and somehow, people will eventually find out whom the rotten ones are... But real life is no story book, nor does it have perfect endings... and people do not always grow a conscience, nor do they reflect back on it...

When does something petty starts to be something uncool? When does something insignificant starts to be hurtful? When does little annoying bits turn to big annoying bits?? And does the phrase, " it only hurts if you let it", true?

Years had passed, and I am yet again, pissed off with the doctors at work. Should I tell someone and make a big deal out of it, just because i feel really annoyed by him?? Should I not want to work with him? Should I learn to ignore him and plod on?

Normally, this is beneath me... but I am the target. I do want to lash out... but i want to hurt them where it hurts. something meaningful. Just sacrifice?? forgive and forget?

Can we really just be blunt and let our tongue do the thinking and walking? Its a mass of muscle without any bone!

.....

Sometimes, I don't know.... To me, friends are people we be nice to... yes of course we can be moody and we complain to them, and they are to be sympathetic, or not ;) but, we should be able to accept them... after all, they are the ones we choose for ourselves...

but what if we are friends only under circumstances??? and should that circumstance be lifted, you are nothing to each other... are we friends??? Does that give us the right to be rude? or even hurtful or disrespectful?

I like to think i am more sabar and i tolerate different types of personalities. There are types i cannot stand... and really push my buttons, but most of the time, i do try... But, just because i try and is plesant, am i letting people trample all over me? Do i give them the opportunity to do so? I am no pushover, but i can be nice to a default!!

When someone react a particular way to something... though its not my fault and i apologise... the fact that they did not apologise makes me wonder and hurt... did they think they were right? Did they think i was wrong? Is it not common courtesy just to say you are sorry the same way i am that things happend the why they did?? Did you not feel sorry or even ashamed that it was public and i had to deal with things on my own and pretended things were ok to everyone, when all i wanted to do was crawl into a corner and cry??

I am thinking.... can I work like that? Can things be the same after that? Do I want things to be the same, pretending it did not happen? Am I being emotional?

All I know, I try to make things the same, pretend its over and burried... but I still feel hurt...

If an opportunity knocks on your door:

• Would you let it go only because you are scared of what's to happen?
• Would you let it go because you do not want to leave someone behind?
• Or would you grab it with open arms?
• Accept it knowing what lies ahead may not be as good as what you have now, but it is a promotion or at least a boost in status???

I love too strong and is very loyal... Life has its secrets... What's install for me??

Sometimes we forget how lucky we are and we tend to focus on things that are irrelevant and make a huge fuss about it that it absorbs us!

Wage here is poorly - i personally feel that. but it really does not stop you from really giving your all. There are after all some professional ethics and obligations to the people you are looking after! having said that, not everyone agrees. and most would like to be paid for the extra 'work' that they have done - rightly so... but if we are not paid what we should, does that mean we stop providing? If that is the case, can i reduce and minimize the things that i am currently doing?

Support is unclear - yes, my own support here is strong and i know people have my back and would help and support me even when i am not there to defend myself... but generally speaking... and on the higher level... It often breaks me...

communication - again, everyone wants to be heard, but do we even listen to each other. To communicate is to listen. we teach the young to listen but we do not show or lead by example! Lots of people think i am tough... few know and understand i am a softie at heart.. and that i take things very literally... but having said that, i try to improve though words hurt a lot.

emotionally - scarred is to say the least! People are mean for various reasons. They say and do hurtful things. Why can't we all just be pleasant and be nice to each other.

i ache... exhausted... It has been quite an emotionally week..

Motivation Talk

Alhamdulilah, the motivation talk and activity went well today :)

I found my motivational handouts i made for last year's group. Looking at it. yup. still good enough. Its how i present it that matters :)

During lunch, we talked (me and A) about games we can use that are short but inspire motivation :) Our time had been reduced from 2 hours to only 1 hour :)

I enjoy delivering something i think i am capable of :) and when people enjoy it, and they absorb and appreciate it, it makes me feel good too :)

Late in the day, I went to the Admin Block to talk to my CEO whom was in a meeting. In the meeting was the coordinator for the activity. She said, she received rave reviews of the lecture and activity we made.

In fact, just like last year, they requested for us to be present for future group sessions and that we conduct more activities for them :)

Smile graciously, keep quiet and move out of the room slowly :P