Heart

The heart is an organ that pumps blood through out the whole body. It does not feel. It does not think. It pumps blood.

So, why is it, across oceans, continents, cultures and traditions, people always associate feelings and the heart???

My theory is, we feel with the brain, specifically, the mind. Yet, a lot of people do not appreciate the mind.

Some are more sensitive than others, yet there are few amongst us that are in-sensitive.

Snide remarks often bruise me... yet i receive that often...

Careless speech bleeds me.... and i get that often too...

Careless thoughts and actions hurts me the most....

I wish my work/life does not involve me talking... that i can do my work/life quietly...

Can one live by one-self without another?

Should i change my job?

Should i start looking for a different job?

Should i start 're-locating' and start afresh?

Evolving...

My sister and I plus 2 younger cousins were in the car after sungkai... we were chatting when i was posed with a question... How have i evolved after been working?

A lot of things went through my mind... i just found it a bit hard to voice them out.... it kind of frustrated my sister, so i asked her what her answer would be...

Thinking about it... (I gave my answer in the car, on the drive home), i guess the following are true...

1. I have becomed more wary of people - i once thought people of this country are nice, friendly and look after each other as the family unit are strong and cohesive. This is so far from the truth, and the reality of it is VERY sad. What is much sadder is the fact that all negativity surrounding these issues are covered up and not discussed... brushed and cast aside for later generations to deal with.
2. I have less faith in the system - I believe our system is supposed to HELP us. Up to a certain degree it does, however, there are many things that the system can help to improved and better the quality of life of so many. Pledges have been made again and yet again, but results and changes are the thing you really never get to see and experience.
3. I became more cynical and extra cautious - I learnt the hard way that people are really nasty. Most are not sincere at all carrying out duties and tasks they should. Most do things to be seen and climb the social ladder...
4. I realised that i had become one of the world BEST and LEADING ACTRESS - Often, despite feeling really bad inside, and squirming my heart out of the place i had been placed into, i have to put on a smile, and be amicablem, even when i do not want to.
   
5. Becoming complacent - When i started work, i realised so many things are so medivial, and vowed to change them. However, i am not in the position to make changes, hence, i try to make changes where possible on my level and more... however, bangging on hard surfaces all these years, i sometimes feel that i had become complacent, and i hate it. How are we to change for the better, if everyone is complacent, no one voices out their views, no one listens... until when are we to be like this??? always a third world country on so many issues?
6. I have become stagnant - I have been working for 9 years, and yet despite urges from the highest authority to engage in ongoing courses to be update, and applying to them over time, i have yet to go to one, since the last one and only one i went in 2004 was fully sponsored by another body.
   
7. I multi-task - This is nothing to be proud of. Spreading yourself too thin is something one should really NOT do, afraid of an early and unnecessary permanent 'retirement'!

so how have i evolved? I have become a 'bad' person. Yes, i do many good things to my kids and their parents, to adults and their families... I out-stretct my capacity under the pay i recieved... I try to advocate for their needs when it needs to be raised to different authorities. Yet... i have not achieved a quality standard of working... nor i believe would i be able to achieve it... not under these circumstance...

Should i give in and be like the others?

So the moon has not been sighted, hence, Ramadhan (Fasting month) starts on Tuesday, corresponding to 2nd September 2008 in Brunei. Yet, the shopping malls were packed with people. I know this because i just came back from one, just walking around with my sister and her boyfriend... also so not to be on my own and think things...

With that, tomorrow, Monday, is a working day... and i have to travel all the way to Belait. Thank god that my cousin is going there to work as well, hence, i get to relax on driving in the morning.

Yesterday, we had CDC family day... and even though i work in Belait district, i was involved in it. It was fun, even if i was only in charge of registration and ice-cream. However, people kept on asking for coupons... like they never had food and could not afford to get it themselves. Those coupons were meant for the special kids.... i really resent them.

Friday night, i went out with Haslin and June. Another friend was supposed to join us,... however, excuses were made. The girls helped to cheer me up... i did, to a certain degree... they did, however, managed to get my tummy full to the utmost top.

On Thursday evening, after my Tutong session, i went to Giant to get some supplies for home and clinic. i spent a small fortune... i usually do when i am unhappy... I did resist so many things i felt was unnecessary... guess my will power is not that strong.

Lin said that i do not sound down on the blog, but different in real life. I guess I am down... I am better with people around me or kept busy... not so great on my own... alone in my room... nothing-ness just envelopes me....

Today...

Today:

Its raining heavily outside since I came home from shopping/dinner with Uncle and cousin. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen, which includes going through 'old' food stock, cleaning the fridge and freezer, floor, and kitchen table and stove including microwave and kettle.

Ramadhan is approching very fast, and apparently people are very excited. I went to get some supplies for us (Uncle and me) for the fasting month. Will get the veggies nearer to the day.

I finally managed to get a pair of shoes to replace the one i have. The sole is giving way, but its still good for a few weeks walk. I shall keep it till its unusable.

I have finally MOVED to the new clinic location. Some patients had been there, some professionals too. Its not untidy, but things are still all over the place (kitchen) in boxes... Will need to unpack very soon. It looks good.

but, why do i feel 'odd'? I should be happy things are going well....

JOY OH JOY!!!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST NEWS!!!! JOY OH JOY...

AT LEAST NOW, THE FUTURE NO LONGER LOOKS TOO BLEAK! SOME PROSPECT OF LIGHT, FINALLY....

Opening Ceremony

so the opening ceremony is over. The highlight for me was watching the young athlete try their walking, matching, swinging, lifting and walking up steps and running. They were cute :)

I had the privillage to be one of the flag lady. It was okay, despite being in the sun and all, however, people change their minds all the time, and.... this was no exception. yesterday they made final changes,... today, few minutes before the siren of the royal bellowed, changes were made yet again.

i had to kneel on the tarmac... It was hot, uncomfortable. but i survived. People whom had been watching close may noticed that i was a bit TOO shifty in my position for a flag lady... sigh... this is what you do....

Superficially, things went quite smoothly, neatly without hiccups :) Everyone were happy...

strange...

I am currently volunteering for a good cause - 2nd Special Olympics Asia-Pacific Bocce Competition. (FYI the first game was in Brunei as well in 2005). Here, i get to work with plenty of people in different situations under stress, and yet you have to make things happen. And here is where you meet colourful characters.

BUT amongst the commotion, there is this lady that stood out from the rest and (Singaporean married to a local) whom had been labeled 20 cents - because every time her name is raised (which is very frequent) you have to pay 20 cents into this piggy bank, which will then be given back to her ( AT THE VERY END) as an act of 'REPENT-tion' from the group!

Anyways, this lady is VERY good at fabricating stories. She does not even bother to tell her lies consistently. And I for one, had really been fooled. I really believed her 'truths of news' until variations of the same news came to me, and people started questioning! People in various committees actually LAUGHED at me, claiming me to be an easy target!

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why she is such a 'Dr Jeckle / Mr Hyde'. I wanted to tell her that we all know variations of truths... but somehow, i don't feel its worth my time to even associate with her... and hence, i really keep my distance, and only nodding when i see her. The mere-est glimpse of her, everyone scatters.

I wonder why she would do that to herself??? and alienate other people???

Another lady that i find strange is this lady that is supposedly 'FAMILY' but WE never really associate ourselves with her or her clan much. like, once a year is not really considered family!!! And, if anyone claims us to be related, i usually say we are NOT!

For a woman of her status, she really shame herself! One would think she would act with grace and dignity... but all people can see is that she is an airhead, especially good for nothing, and not worth to even try replying to any of her requests or questions. I don't even think she is respected by any of the other professionals, other than people within her own department with reasons to be so, i guess - ass lickers!!

HOWEVER, i met exceptional people :) especially the special individuals. They have hearts of gold ;)

Wishes...

How many times have you dreamt of being lucky like Aladin, and get that magic lamp, rub it and get 3 magic wishes. And if you had any three wishes, what would it be?

How many times have you been in the position, where you started a sentence with "I wish..." without ever really thinking and putting any bearings to it...

If i were to have such wishes, I wish that...
1. we live in an ideal world, where people do what they are supposed to do. There would be no oppression, no self interest projects, no backlashing... If we all follow and live with the 'human code', i believe we all can achieve many many positive gains... but then again, humans are selfish individuals.

2. i am a woman of stature and wealth. Not because i want to be FILTHY rich (it doesn't hurt), and for the glamour of it all, but with wealth and stature, you can do a lot of good things, other than be independent financially, and you get to do things you like without any burdeon, you can carry out many tasks such as be a volunteer to causes close to your heart, and offer your specialty in certain cases, and get to further or enhance your own skills, as you see fit.

3. I have the wisdom and foresight to live life well, and not do mistakes or regretted things in the past. When and if you are wise, you know how to treat people as you know the outcome and consequences of your own actions.

I shed too many tears already and all very recently. Not only do my eyes are tired, i am exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally...

My birthday was almost a month ago, but i am still recieving gifts :) thanks you all. I had a book, kain, desk, DVD player, MP3, bag, brooch, floating candles, dinner and lovely thoughts. I love them all.

ANOTHER nice birthday present was when June called me up to tell me that exam results are out, and that i actually passed ONE paper out of TWO :) Ain't that brilliant :P I thought it was not short of miracles.

August also meant, WEDDINGS.... Other than Azhan getting married, Emran and my Mak Cik's daughter also got married. And they all got married on the same day. Emran was an old school friend from my primary days. He invited me weeks earlier, :) and naturally, his was the one i had to attend to. Azhan is a friend from the frivolous years... and Mak Cik's daughter's wedding was a smash, i know :) though i was not there.

Drama was everywhere this month.... and Special Olympics is also coming... of which, drama is not short of.... AMAZINGLY, I was volunteered to teach the kids to dance, traditional and modern dance ;) and... believe it or not, they managed to learn a traditional dance, under 2 hours!!!

I cannot wait what else is there for me to do and go through.... life is so mysterious... and wonderful!

Hapiness is...

You can click on the title above, as it will bring you to a blog written by Twinkle not so long of the same topic. Initially, I only wanted to say that QUITING from my job would bring me happiness, however, find out how I have changed my mind.

Things that would make me absolutely happy are:

1. Understand what I need for myself, on my own.
2. Be self-sufficient; not needing anything or anyone.
3. Have money. I do not want to think about money; if I have enough to spend or share or burn. I just want it to be always there...
4. No responsibilities, other than to myself and god.
5. To QUIT my job. (It ideally would be number 1, but a girl has to earn money in reality to survive and pay off her debts)
   
6. Stay in bed and never get out of it.
7. DO nothing...
   
8. To have communication with people ALL the time, even if its just tiny things like telling you they need to pee! (If they within your immediate surrounding of course! I am not silly!) Every little thing adds up, and all types of communication is important!
9. To wake up and feel good. Gone are times when I wake up and feel like crying, feeling tired and worse...
10. To be truly happy with oneself.

Happiness is a constant working progress and you constantly have to work on it. Only you can make you happy; so i was told! It is also a process of mind over matter. Make yourself believe you are happy and you are...

I probably would never achieve any... and so I would never be happy... or would I?

Clack! Clog! Chump! Chump! That is all i heard from the table to my left, while i was dining on my own, waiting for my sister to turn up. I can hear the couple's utencills going across their plates louder than I can hear them talk. I can even hear the chewing activities louder than a blowing machine on the road!

We tell our children all the time:

"Chew /eat with your mouth closed"

"Eat slowly"

"Don't drag your spoon against your plate"

"Stop clacking!"

We do not seem to follow our own advice, some of us that is. And this couple, eat like this in a restaurant!!!! - Where are their manners??? I lost my appetite!!

Happy Birthday to me

This year, I have a man's voice, and a head that feels like a volcano about to erupt on my birthday. Needless to say, I do not feel like celebrating. I never feel like celebrating, but it feels good to be remembered. I received loads of text messages on my phone, as well as on line. I even got messages from my sister, parents and aunt from abroad.

However, all i did not get was 'conversation'. i fell to bed tired of waiting and without conversation... i felt dumped! Birthdays always bring me down... why?

Anyways, to those that never did had the chance to read what my birthday is all about in previous blogs, here is your chance.... click away and re-discover the journeys...
July 2005
July 2006
July 2007

An excerpt from July 2005:

"Legally, My birthday would be on the 14th of July but my family would usually greet me on the 15th July!!! ...... On my birth certificate, It was written that i was born on the 14th July few decades ago. The nurse that was attending my mum wrote that down, and it was certified by people whom was not my dad (he was not there) and being LAID BACK as they are, did not check the details on it! However, according to my mum, I was born on the 15th July, because i was born after the midnight of 14th July, when she came to the hospital!!!"

Boss is not here： Boss is calling：
I Like this emotion!!

In a meeting： Training： Tea break：

Before noon on weekend： Ready for getting off work：


Tomorrow is a holiday：　

Got today’s target from boss：　 Tough target：

Find impossible to meet boss’s requirement：

OT for 2hrs： OT for a whole night：

Being notified to OT on weekends：


Meet with ‘Sorry-I-Don’t-Know’clients： Made mistakes in work：

Little achievement： Frustrating things happens：

Finance person doesn’t give the money:

Being advised NO BONUS this year：　

fighting

i hate fighting.
it makes me feel horrible.
i promised myself i would not be in a relationship that fights all the time. I do not want to be in a ever cyclic vicious cycle. Maybe being single won't be that bad.

Rainbow

Do you remember looking at the sky, and seeing this wonderful thing... Its colourful, and its there after it rains. Sometimes, it all around like a big semi circle, sometimes, you can only see a peep between clouds... Once, when i was younger and in primary school, i remembered looking at the sky and seeing this CIRCULAR rainbow. Yes, rainbow.

I used to be fascinated with rainbows. I have to say, I still am. Despite knowing that its reflection of light on water particles... or something like that if I remember my secondary Physics right.

I was driving home from KB a few days ago, when I was stuck in traffic (Yet again!) when I saw this colourful spectrum to the right of me, out of the window on the horizon. I was looking, and trying to see how the colours change from one shade to the other, and how the colour change is so amazing that it actually blends... you don't see separation of colours.

You know when you were in school, you learnt that the rainbow consists of 7 colours, and yet, when I was looking and staring at the rainbow, I can see more than 7 shades of colours, yet, it was kind of difficult to say, this is the line where red end and orange begins. The same goes for the other colours on the spectrum.

I am also amazed that we still have the chance to enjoy rainbows. While stuck in traffic, I tried to think and remember if I had seen a rainbow while I was studying abroad. and the answer that came to me was, not that I know of.

Perhaps we still enjoy rainbows here in Brunei because of the clearer and better environment, where the water particles are less contaminated, and clearer to reflect off pure light. But perhaps also, being near the equator ensures plenty of sunlight to reflect the water droplets to get a nice big clear rainbow after a rainy day.

There are many superstitions and also folkore attached to rainbows. The one I remember the most is the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At a younger age, I used to want to find the pot of gold... I still do, but now, I understand its no longer possible...

A rainbow also reminds me that god is fair. He creates a gloom day, with heavy rain (good for some when it does not destroys houses or crops) yet after it is over, we get to enjoy sun and a spectrum of colourful colours across the sky to be enjoyed by all.

I shall remember or try to remember, all 'dugaan' and/or tasks may have beautiful rainbow spectrum at the end of the day.

One thing i know for sure about myself is that i have loads of character flaws. i know everyone have some, but who knows this better than ourselves. At least I think i do.

Of the many flaws i have, there are plenty that i can do to change, and some perhaps i can change with effort, and many others i thought was my strength may be my weakness and disliked by lots around me, but they never say anything, and just accepted it the way i am. But, for how long?

Sitting here alone in my room, i was thinking about this, and it brought a dash of sadness to my heart. I would not want to tolerate 'friends' of their 'bad habits', or at least, I should be able to tell them what i think of them, and how we can change for the better together. But some how, suggestions as such would not really be well recieved.

i have been wondering to myself... what is it that i really want out of life??? can i really achieve it??? Does money really solve or dissolve problems faced now? would it really be able to make me slightly happier?

Would a change in scenary or environment, or work place, contribute to being less 'sad'?

maybe i am taking too much on my plate... but i feel like there is no one to help me and so i have to do it alone... and when it gets too much, i breakdown, and when i do, i have to self repair or the burdeon would be greater.... am i making sense?

I wish you can talk... and that you can tell me that i am crazy or just tell me something to make me feel better...

often i thought that it is not worth trying to change or upgrade myself... as i do not see the benefits of changing... other than to other people than myself... should i even think of being selfish like that...

i wish i can say... with that amount of money, i would want to have this amout of work and responsibility....

I wish i can say... you are hurting my feelings and that was not what i meant...

i wish many things... but i wish the most to be better

monthly update

Would it be such a cliche if i say, I have been busy and do not have time to blog? I guess it is, but then again, its true.

UPDATES:

• I have a GO & FR exam in June that i have not studied for YET! I suspect i would be FAILING terribly.

• There will be a family day in KB on the 6,7,8th of JUNE. Hence, all are invited to come and see what the fuss is all about.

• Have been trying to 'teach' some students on a voluntary basis for their O-Level exams - which ended with me studying as well...

• I have been sick constantly for the past 2 months.. and still coughing and feeling feverish, especially in the afternoons.

• I have promised myself to exercise, instead, i have exercised my mouth muscles with much food, hence the stomach had extended, and weight increased.... MUCH to my dismay, and soon, my doctor's disappointment.

• I have indulged myself in a singing marathon for 2 days, singing my heart out.... without even leaving my room, except for important meals.

• MY phone has been barred as a reason, as i have FORGOTTEN to pay my bills, much to m y sister's dismay as i could not make contact :P

• We had failing e-speed at home, and i had BAD withdrawal symptoms

spread the word...

I volunteered as a stimulated patient (SP) for the 3rd year students in University Brunei Darussalam (UBD) today. It had been fun, though some of the questions asked by the students were quite tricky to answer as they were meant to ask specific questions. There were several times were I had to ask them to repeat their questions, or asked them to be more specific.

One question took me by surprise as I never thought one could be asked the question in that way. He said, "How much did you bleed?" I was like 'huh!?' He said, "Did you bleed like a teaspoon? or a cup?" I could not answer! I was dumbstruck!

Overall, it was an experience, and I would like to do it again. These students are going to come back and provide a service much needed by the people, so why not help them achieve this the best way possible in helping to get them trained! Its all voluntary and as a result I feel that you are giving back to the people and country in positive manner.

It was also during that period this afternoon that I met locals and not so locals but friendly faces that had been working in the medical world of Brunei Darussalam. It was really nice to see familiar faces that had been a big part of my working world until almost 2 years ago.

One of the person I met was, Mr Zul. Infamous local specialist in the field of ENT. He had opened up his own private practice, and heard is doing very well. He, being a nice person he is, still refers patients to the clinic. And when we met up, other than catching up briefly with life, he took the opportunity to discuss some clients of his.

(NB. I met many others, but not to bore you, i shall just mention a couple)

Another person I met was Dr Haji Isham. He is also a local specialist in the field of thoracic surgery. I think that is what he is. Really sorry if i get that wrong. Anyways, we were talking and also catching up. What's interesting in our conversation is that he informed me of 'new' services available in RIPAS Hospital nowadays.

He told me the specific names of the illness, but being a 'bimbo', i did not write it down, or even try to remember it. However, the illness involves a person to have EXCESSIVE sweating of palms especially when s/he is nervous or in an uncomfortable situation that sweat from his/her palms actually DRIPS! or, when s/he has to sign a document, as a result of excessive perspiration of the palm, s/he actually ruins the document!

So far, Dr Haji Isham had conducted 2 such surgeries in Brunei and both were successful. According to him, success rate is very very high, about 95-99%. Although, there are always risks with surgery, hence it is very important to discuss any medical procedures with your doctor. (NOTE: He was the same dr that carried out the surgery on the baby with the heart problem mentioned in the papers a few months ago!)

Dr Haji Isham had given me his blessing and permission to spread the word to others, should you know of anyone with this condition, and would like to improve or just get a coulsultation with him. Should you feel you know anyone whom would like to meet him, please call the Surgical Out-patient clinic in RIPAS hospital, and make an appointment with the man himself. Do be patient as he works between two hospitals; RIPAS and JPMC.

I hope, this entry today is useful to you. Do spread the word.

Isham said something to... he said, we need to show faith in our own people. That we are capable and that we can make a difference. With proper opportunities, we too, can achieve what other countries had achieved, and as a result saves expenses, not only of the governments, but also of the individuals and their family receiving the treatment. Bak kata pepatah, "Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri" The slogan I learnt today was "RIPAS Boleh!"

Tips to Stay Young n Happy Always :)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.. That is why you pay them.



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)


3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.



7 Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.



And if you don't send this to at least four people - who cares???
But do share this with someone!!! Someone you love and care....... right gang!!