Good day

So, it did not start smooth,.. in fact, it was kind of bumpy, and i was all NERVES and all... but, it turned out to be good. and like a friend once said, "after a while, you forget all the bad stuff".

I was supposed to have a 'clear' morning due to a mix up, but i ended up being so busy and pre-occupied. I had patients turning up, and i had to listen to their problems, and try to offer a solution, or try to find one. They did however, called me up to find out if i was there and available :) good on them :)

Anyways, I was in TUT this pm. We had case discussion session. We were joined by many other professionals that never really attended this before, but it was a welcome :) We learnt more new things :)

As we were discussing our case load, one particular child jumped out to me. I was sharing to the others how violent his behaviour were, but he is recovering. But mum is obviously way over her head. Then, a medical professional suggested that it might be Fragile X Syndrome. I got way excited because i remembered that from O-Level Biology, and i could actually tell them what it was... *wink* can't you just smell the nerdiness??? :P

Anyways, I was like... soooo happy i know something the others didn't. And also the fact that the person whom suggested it was impressed i knew :) yeah... typical stuff to boost morale :P

Another thing that made me happy was that a 'difficult' case was slowly unraveling... and 'We' got more professionals involved. I don't want the paient or his family to suffer, but whatever pain they are going through now, i hope they understand i did it for them, and it is DEFINATELY out of love for them.

I had an earlier date with the girls, J and H, instead of the usual tomorrow. We ended up doing fun stuff :) it was gret :)

But, i did promised someone a 'date' and i stood him up... I hope he is not too upset about it. I will try to make it up to you :P sorry!

so, all in all... a good day :) and guess what... I am capable of being UP BEAT :P

Musical...

I won tickets to watch High School Musical 3 at Empire Cinema for 2. Since J dislikes cinema, H went with me instead. Armed with the knowledge that it is a musical for "kids"... I was sort of prepared... and having watched the first 2, was FAIR warning.

I like this better than HSM2. However, one asked me, High School Musical 3 or Mamma Mia? Mamma Mia hands down.... BY THOUSANDS of MILES....

I was requested to make a stop to an open house tonight... and there was a lady singing... She was good. Her pronunciation was good, making me able to enjoy the pieces more. I was captivated... i could have been in a theater, re-living my student days enjoying plays.

All the singing reminded me of a person i recently saw. She was keen to sing, and was supposed to be the lead singer in a band, but because of voice problems, she was unable to pursue it. It made me kind of sad, and i know she is sad... She was, however, was able to accept her condition, and was willing to work together to make it better.

Having said that, working with someone whom is in denial of his condition, and creates stories to make himself better of how he acquired the condition, makes working with that person very difficult.

I sit here at my desk, thanks to J, H and A whom bought it for my birthday, thinking how medical professionals and others sieve and sift through information to get to the core problems, what with people's talent with words and spinning tales.... What if you get the wrong information, or interpret the wrong information....

Thank you

There has been some activity on the tagboard... I am not sure why that happened.. or how it happened, but it did... I am not even sure if it is a 'positive' thing that is happening...

Research had informed us that negative behaviour should be ignored and not rewarded... hence, negative tagborders, should be ignored. However, I am never one much to shy away from 'challenges' as politely as i can muster...

In most culture and religion, as well as international "standards" of human behaviour (Social and pragmatic skills) had silently agreed that one should not judge another person - Its like they say, "Do not judge a book by its cover"... Sadly, many of us are quilty of that, including a particular tagboarder.

When we say something nasty about another person, does that make us a good person? Does it make us feel good?

There is an element of truth in what had been commented, and it had been taken into account. Alas, the tagboarder is not the first and won't be the last to pass a comment as such. I, myself, have realised how gordy the blog had become... and FAMILY and FRIENDS (note: not strangers, whom do not know me) had made similar attempts (personally and politely) to make it less depressive. This is what i would like to say: There is such a thing as 'personal thoughts', and if it tends to be BLEAK, so be it.

My thoughts on things may be different from others... but, they are ORIGINAL and are all mine! I have never forced anyone to accept my thoughts as theirs.... except maybe earlier on, hating my boss! *wink*

Like i have said earlier, life is a journey... and adventure... a process... Some may have it good, others not so. Some may be lucky, but not all. Most happy, but a small number unhappy about many things in their life.

I have to say, I am very fortunate to be born as I am, in my family, with god's gift of brain, physical strength and appetite *smile* But, I am also fortunate to be blessed with the ability to THINK and rationale things, may it be good or bad, and think THROUGHLY of any issues within my capacity - so yeah, you can say that i THINK DEEPLY *BLUSH*

Many of the 'sad' entries have histories behind that i share only with the selected few. Hence, it won't really make sense to mere visitors. It would really look like i had dug myself into the pit... and you are watching me letting go... such is not the case, I would like to reassure all my readers.

I would like to thank all that cared and worried about the mental and emotional well being of the blogger. I, indeed, am very pleased to know that you have my best interest at heart. Just like the stock market is unpredictable, so am I... But, just like the stock market, it always manages to pull itself/herself through any storm.... WITH time, understanding and lots of support!!!

I leave you with few wisdom quotes:

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. -Francis Bacon, Advancement of Learning Bk. i

He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still -Lao-Tsu. Tao Teh King

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

To repeat what others have said, requires education, to challenge it,requires brains - Mary Pettibone Poole

Criticism is prejudice made plausible - H. L. Mencken

I feel like a failure. I feel bad.

Heart

The heart is an organ that pumps blood through out the whole body. It does not feel. It does not think. It pumps blood.

So, why is it, across oceans, continents, cultures and traditions, people always associate feelings and the heart???

My theory is, we feel with the brain, specifically, the mind. Yet, a lot of people do not appreciate the mind.

Some are more sensitive than others, yet there are few amongst us that are in-sensitive.

Snide remarks often bruise me... yet i receive that often...

Careless speech bleeds me.... and i get that often too...

Careless thoughts and actions hurts me the most....

I wish my work/life does not involve me talking... that i can do my work/life quietly...

Can one live by one-self without another?

Should i change my job?

Should i start looking for a different job?

Should i start 're-locating' and start afresh?

Evolving...

My sister and I plus 2 younger cousins were in the car after sungkai... we were chatting when i was posed with a question... How have i evolved after been working?

A lot of things went through my mind... i just found it a bit hard to voice them out.... it kind of frustrated my sister, so i asked her what her answer would be...

Thinking about it... (I gave my answer in the car, on the drive home), i guess the following are true...

1. I have becomed more wary of people - i once thought people of this country are nice, friendly and look after each other as the family unit are strong and cohesive. This is so far from the truth, and the reality of it is VERY sad. What is much sadder is the fact that all negativity surrounding these issues are covered up and not discussed... brushed and cast aside for later generations to deal with.
2. I have less faith in the system - I believe our system is supposed to HELP us. Up to a certain degree it does, however, there are many things that the system can help to improved and better the quality of life of so many. Pledges have been made again and yet again, but results and changes are the thing you really never get to see and experience.
3. I became more cynical and extra cautious - I learnt the hard way that people are really nasty. Most are not sincere at all carrying out duties and tasks they should. Most do things to be seen and climb the social ladder...
4. I realised that i had become one of the world BEST and LEADING ACTRESS - Often, despite feeling really bad inside, and squirming my heart out of the place i had been placed into, i have to put on a smile, and be amicablem, even when i do not want to.
   
5. Becoming complacent - When i started work, i realised so many things are so medivial, and vowed to change them. However, i am not in the position to make changes, hence, i try to make changes where possible on my level and more... however, bangging on hard surfaces all these years, i sometimes feel that i had become complacent, and i hate it. How are we to change for the better, if everyone is complacent, no one voices out their views, no one listens... until when are we to be like this??? always a third world country on so many issues?
6. I have become stagnant - I have been working for 9 years, and yet despite urges from the highest authority to engage in ongoing courses to be update, and applying to them over time, i have yet to go to one, since the last one and only one i went in 2004 was fully sponsored by another body.
   
7. I multi-task - This is nothing to be proud of. Spreading yourself too thin is something one should really NOT do, afraid of an early and unnecessary permanent 'retirement'!

so how have i evolved? I have become a 'bad' person. Yes, i do many good things to my kids and their parents, to adults and their families... I out-stretct my capacity under the pay i recieved... I try to advocate for their needs when it needs to be raised to different authorities. Yet... i have not achieved a quality standard of working... nor i believe would i be able to achieve it... not under these circumstance...

Should i give in and be like the others?

So the moon has not been sighted, hence, Ramadhan (Fasting month) starts on Tuesday, corresponding to 2nd September 2008 in Brunei. Yet, the shopping malls were packed with people. I know this because i just came back from one, just walking around with my sister and her boyfriend... also so not to be on my own and think things...

With that, tomorrow, Monday, is a working day... and i have to travel all the way to Belait. Thank god that my cousin is going there to work as well, hence, i get to relax on driving in the morning.

Yesterday, we had CDC family day... and even though i work in Belait district, i was involved in it. It was fun, even if i was only in charge of registration and ice-cream. However, people kept on asking for coupons... like they never had food and could not afford to get it themselves. Those coupons were meant for the special kids.... i really resent them.

Friday night, i went out with Haslin and June. Another friend was supposed to join us,... however, excuses were made. The girls helped to cheer me up... i did, to a certain degree... they did, however, managed to get my tummy full to the utmost top.

On Thursday evening, after my Tutong session, i went to Giant to get some supplies for home and clinic. i spent a small fortune... i usually do when i am unhappy... I did resist so many things i felt was unnecessary... guess my will power is not that strong.

Lin said that i do not sound down on the blog, but different in real life. I guess I am down... I am better with people around me or kept busy... not so great on my own... alone in my room... nothing-ness just envelopes me....

Today...

Today:

Its raining heavily outside since I came home from shopping/dinner with Uncle and cousin. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen, which includes going through 'old' food stock, cleaning the fridge and freezer, floor, and kitchen table and stove including microwave and kettle.

Ramadhan is approching very fast, and apparently people are very excited. I went to get some supplies for us (Uncle and me) for the fasting month. Will get the veggies nearer to the day.

I finally managed to get a pair of shoes to replace the one i have. The sole is giving way, but its still good for a few weeks walk. I shall keep it till its unusable.

I have finally MOVED to the new clinic location. Some patients had been there, some professionals too. Its not untidy, but things are still all over the place (kitchen) in boxes... Will need to unpack very soon. It looks good.

but, why do i feel 'odd'? I should be happy things are going well....

JOY OH JOY!!!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST NEWS!!!! JOY OH JOY...

AT LEAST NOW, THE FUTURE NO LONGER LOOKS TOO BLEAK! SOME PROSPECT OF LIGHT, FINALLY....

Opening Ceremony

so the opening ceremony is over. The highlight for me was watching the young athlete try their walking, matching, swinging, lifting and walking up steps and running. They were cute :)

I had the privillage to be one of the flag lady. It was okay, despite being in the sun and all, however, people change their minds all the time, and.... this was no exception. yesterday they made final changes,... today, few minutes before the siren of the royal bellowed, changes were made yet again.

i had to kneel on the tarmac... It was hot, uncomfortable. but i survived. People whom had been watching close may noticed that i was a bit TOO shifty in my position for a flag lady... sigh... this is what you do....

Superficially, things went quite smoothly, neatly without hiccups :) Everyone were happy...

strange...

I am currently volunteering for a good cause - 2nd Special Olympics Asia-Pacific Bocce Competition. (FYI the first game was in Brunei as well in 2005). Here, i get to work with plenty of people in different situations under stress, and yet you have to make things happen. And here is where you meet colourful characters.

BUT amongst the commotion, there is this lady that stood out from the rest and (Singaporean married to a local) whom had been labeled 20 cents - because every time her name is raised (which is very frequent) you have to pay 20 cents into this piggy bank, which will then be given back to her ( AT THE VERY END) as an act of 'REPENT-tion' from the group!

Anyways, this lady is VERY good at fabricating stories. She does not even bother to tell her lies consistently. And I for one, had really been fooled. I really believed her 'truths of news' until variations of the same news came to me, and people started questioning! People in various committees actually LAUGHED at me, claiming me to be an easy target!

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why she is such a 'Dr Jeckle / Mr Hyde'. I wanted to tell her that we all know variations of truths... but somehow, i don't feel its worth my time to even associate with her... and hence, i really keep my distance, and only nodding when i see her. The mere-est glimpse of her, everyone scatters.

I wonder why she would do that to herself??? and alienate other people???

Another lady that i find strange is this lady that is supposedly 'FAMILY' but WE never really associate ourselves with her or her clan much. like, once a year is not really considered family!!! And, if anyone claims us to be related, i usually say we are NOT!

For a woman of her status, she really shame herself! One would think she would act with grace and dignity... but all people can see is that she is an airhead, especially good for nothing, and not worth to even try replying to any of her requests or questions. I don't even think she is respected by any of the other professionals, other than people within her own department with reasons to be so, i guess - ass lickers!!

HOWEVER, i met exceptional people :) especially the special individuals. They have hearts of gold ;)

Wishes...

How many times have you dreamt of being lucky like Aladin, and get that magic lamp, rub it and get 3 magic wishes. And if you had any three wishes, what would it be?

How many times have you been in the position, where you started a sentence with "I wish..." without ever really thinking and putting any bearings to it...

If i were to have such wishes, I wish that...
1. we live in an ideal world, where people do what they are supposed to do. There would be no oppression, no self interest projects, no backlashing... If we all follow and live with the 'human code', i believe we all can achieve many many positive gains... but then again, humans are selfish individuals.

2. i am a woman of stature and wealth. Not because i want to be FILTHY rich (it doesn't hurt), and for the glamour of it all, but with wealth and stature, you can do a lot of good things, other than be independent financially, and you get to do things you like without any burdeon, you can carry out many tasks such as be a volunteer to causes close to your heart, and offer your specialty in certain cases, and get to further or enhance your own skills, as you see fit.

3. I have the wisdom and foresight to live life well, and not do mistakes or regretted things in the past. When and if you are wise, you know how to treat people as you know the outcome and consequences of your own actions.

I shed too many tears already and all very recently. Not only do my eyes are tired, i am exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally...

My birthday was almost a month ago, but i am still recieving gifts :) thanks you all. I had a book, kain, desk, DVD player, MP3, bag, brooch, floating candles, dinner and lovely thoughts. I love them all.

ANOTHER nice birthday present was when June called me up to tell me that exam results are out, and that i actually passed ONE paper out of TWO :) Ain't that brilliant :P I thought it was not short of miracles.

August also meant, WEDDINGS.... Other than Azhan getting married, Emran and my Mak Cik's daughter also got married. And they all got married on the same day. Emran was an old school friend from my primary days. He invited me weeks earlier, :) and naturally, his was the one i had to attend to. Azhan is a friend from the frivolous years... and Mak Cik's daughter's wedding was a smash, i know :) though i was not there.

Drama was everywhere this month.... and Special Olympics is also coming... of which, drama is not short of.... AMAZINGLY, I was volunteered to teach the kids to dance, traditional and modern dance ;) and... believe it or not, they managed to learn a traditional dance, under 2 hours!!!

I cannot wait what else is there for me to do and go through.... life is so mysterious... and wonderful!

Hapiness is...

You can click on the title above, as it will bring you to a blog written by Twinkle not so long of the same topic. Initially, I only wanted to say that QUITING from my job would bring me happiness, however, find out how I have changed my mind.

Things that would make me absolutely happy are:

1. Understand what I need for myself, on my own.
2. Be self-sufficient; not needing anything or anyone.
3. Have money. I do not want to think about money; if I have enough to spend or share or burn. I just want it to be always there...
4. No responsibilities, other than to myself and god.
5. To QUIT my job. (It ideally would be number 1, but a girl has to earn money in reality to survive and pay off her debts)
   
6. Stay in bed and never get out of it.
7. DO nothing...
   
8. To have communication with people ALL the time, even if its just tiny things like telling you they need to pee! (If they within your immediate surrounding of course! I am not silly!) Every little thing adds up, and all types of communication is important!
9. To wake up and feel good. Gone are times when I wake up and feel like crying, feeling tired and worse...
10. To be truly happy with oneself.

Happiness is a constant working progress and you constantly have to work on it. Only you can make you happy; so i was told! It is also a process of mind over matter. Make yourself believe you are happy and you are...

I probably would never achieve any... and so I would never be happy... or would I?

Clack! Clog! Chump! Chump! That is all i heard from the table to my left, while i was dining on my own, waiting for my sister to turn up. I can hear the couple's utencills going across their plates louder than I can hear them talk. I can even hear the chewing activities louder than a blowing machine on the road!

We tell our children all the time:

"Chew /eat with your mouth closed"

"Eat slowly"

"Don't drag your spoon against your plate"

"Stop clacking!"

We do not seem to follow our own advice, some of us that is. And this couple, eat like this in a restaurant!!!! - Where are their manners??? I lost my appetite!!

Happy Birthday to me

This year, I have a man's voice, and a head that feels like a volcano about to erupt on my birthday. Needless to say, I do not feel like celebrating. I never feel like celebrating, but it feels good to be remembered. I received loads of text messages on my phone, as well as on line. I even got messages from my sister, parents and aunt from abroad.

However, all i did not get was 'conversation'. i fell to bed tired of waiting and without conversation... i felt dumped! Birthdays always bring me down... why?

Anyways, to those that never did had the chance to read what my birthday is all about in previous blogs, here is your chance.... click away and re-discover the journeys...
July 2005
July 2006
July 2007

An excerpt from July 2005:

"Legally, My birthday would be on the 14th of July but my family would usually greet me on the 15th July!!! ...... On my birth certificate, It was written that i was born on the 14th July few decades ago. The nurse that was attending my mum wrote that down, and it was certified by people whom was not my dad (he was not there) and being LAID BACK as they are, did not check the details on it! However, according to my mum, I was born on the 15th July, because i was born after the midnight of 14th July, when she came to the hospital!!!"

Boss is not here： Boss is calling：
I Like this emotion!!

In a meeting： Training： Tea break：

Before noon on weekend： Ready for getting off work：


Tomorrow is a holiday：　

Got today’s target from boss：　 Tough target：

Find impossible to meet boss’s requirement：

OT for 2hrs： OT for a whole night：

Being notified to OT on weekends：


Meet with ‘Sorry-I-Don’t-Know’clients： Made mistakes in work：

Little achievement： Frustrating things happens：

Finance person doesn’t give the money:

Being advised NO BONUS this year：　

fighting

i hate fighting.
it makes me feel horrible.
i promised myself i would not be in a relationship that fights all the time. I do not want to be in a ever cyclic vicious cycle. Maybe being single won't be that bad.

Rainbow

Do you remember looking at the sky, and seeing this wonderful thing... Its colourful, and its there after it rains. Sometimes, it all around like a big semi circle, sometimes, you can only see a peep between clouds... Once, when i was younger and in primary school, i remembered looking at the sky and seeing this CIRCULAR rainbow. Yes, rainbow.

I used to be fascinated with rainbows. I have to say, I still am. Despite knowing that its reflection of light on water particles... or something like that if I remember my secondary Physics right.

I was driving home from KB a few days ago, when I was stuck in traffic (Yet again!) when I saw this colourful spectrum to the right of me, out of the window on the horizon. I was looking, and trying to see how the colours change from one shade to the other, and how the colour change is so amazing that it actually blends... you don't see separation of colours.

You know when you were in school, you learnt that the rainbow consists of 7 colours, and yet, when I was looking and staring at the rainbow, I can see more than 7 shades of colours, yet, it was kind of difficult to say, this is the line where red end and orange begins. The same goes for the other colours on the spectrum.

I am also amazed that we still have the chance to enjoy rainbows. While stuck in traffic, I tried to think and remember if I had seen a rainbow while I was studying abroad. and the answer that came to me was, not that I know of.

Perhaps we still enjoy rainbows here in Brunei because of the clearer and better environment, where the water particles are less contaminated, and clearer to reflect off pure light. But perhaps also, being near the equator ensures plenty of sunlight to reflect the water droplets to get a nice big clear rainbow after a rainy day.

There are many superstitions and also folkore attached to rainbows. The one I remember the most is the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At a younger age, I used to want to find the pot of gold... I still do, but now, I understand its no longer possible...

A rainbow also reminds me that god is fair. He creates a gloom day, with heavy rain (good for some when it does not destroys houses or crops) yet after it is over, we get to enjoy sun and a spectrum of colourful colours across the sky to be enjoyed by all.

I shall remember or try to remember, all 'dugaan' and/or tasks may have beautiful rainbow spectrum at the end of the day.