Sometimes we forget how lucky we are and we tend to focus on things that are irrelevant and make a huge fuss about it that it absorbs us!

Wage here is poorly - i personally feel that. but it really does not stop you from really giving your all. There are after all some professional ethics and obligations to the people you are looking after! having said that, not everyone agrees. and most would like to be paid for the extra 'work' that they have done - rightly so... but if we are not paid what we should, does that mean we stop providing? If that is the case, can i reduce and minimize the things that i am currently doing?

Support is unclear - yes, my own support here is strong and i know people have my back and would help and support me even when i am not there to defend myself... but generally speaking... and on the higher level... It often breaks me...

communication - again, everyone wants to be heard, but do we even listen to each other. To communicate is to listen. we teach the young to listen but we do not show or lead by example! Lots of people think i am tough... few know and understand i am a softie at heart.. and that i take things very literally... but having said that, i try to improve though words hurt a lot.

emotionally - scarred is to say the least! People are mean for various reasons. They say and do hurtful things. Why can't we all just be pleasant and be nice to each other.

i ache... exhausted... It has been quite an emotionally week..

Motivation Talk

Alhamdulilah, the motivation talk and activity went well today :)

I found my motivational handouts i made for last year's group. Looking at it. yup. still good enough. Its how i present it that matters :)

During lunch, we talked (me and A) about games we can use that are short but inspire motivation :) Our time had been reduced from 2 hours to only 1 hour :)

I enjoy delivering something i think i am capable of :) and when people enjoy it, and they absorb and appreciate it, it makes me feel good too :)

Late in the day, I went to the Admin Block to talk to my CEO whom was in a meeting. In the meeting was the coordinator for the activity. She said, she received rave reviews of the lecture and activity we made.

In fact, just like last year, they requested for us to be present for future group sessions and that we conduct more activities for them :)

Smile graciously, keep quiet and move out of the room slowly :P

WHAT?!

What happened to the old template???
Where are my links???
Where is my tagboard???
Where is my counter??? My clock??
HUH???
I lost them all??
Hey.... where is it stored? Anyone???

New layout

Like the new layout?

Motivation

I am going to deliver a 'motivational' talk to the a group of people sometime next week!!! and i have not prepared anything!

I am doing this to cover for my boss whom would not be able to make it on that day for the motivational talk that that he often delivers.

looks like i need to do RESEARCH! and its already end of the week. This is going to be on Tuesday!!! OMG!!!

Can i do this???

A special announcement was made today on the 8 pm news. Yes, HM divorced the 2nd (3rd) wife.

A part of me is saying, alhamdulillah... Allah melindungi Kebawah Duli... God answered my and many other's prayers.

A part of me is sad not only for the kids but also for him...

He must be sad...

I would give him a HUGE hug... I wish him well...

If i know him... i would just sit and listen to him... maybe inject meela-ism into it...

It is how funny how your life is the way it is...

Did I ever thought it would be like this? No.

Do I want it to be like this? I am not quite sure.

Is it a hard life? Compared to others, its quite comfortable.

But why am i like not 'satisfied'???

I look around... I hear things....

I look around... I see things...

I look around... I feel things...

May it only be a part of the whole picture,...

May it not be a true representative of what it really is...

Sometimes I am envious of things people have...

envious of what people do...

envious of how people live...

envious... of how they cope...

envious of their knowledge..

their strengths.... their opportunities...

their courage... their willingness to try...

People sometimes choke me...

sometimes i feel so small compared to others...

yet... here I am complaining about 'me'

Its strange how certain thing affect you.... how people affect you...

Most annoying

I pride myself of being a good clinician. I go all the way to make things interesting for my patients and i work hard to find out what is wrong with them, understand their condition and environment, and look up new methods to work on them when known therapy methods do not work over the years or months. so when someone 'accuses' me of not doing my work properly, even in the slightest sense, it offends me!!! I am angry and mostly disappointed... If i can sue... not only professionals but also patients for defamation... i would... Probably i can if i want to... but that would be a long process, not to talk about lots of money involved! I would complain to appropriate people, but there is not a 'body' that would listen to your plight. In the end, it would be a hear-say kind of thing! and things get really distorted! It is just most annoying!!! I am very very annoyed!!!

I am not sure how i feel... often its blank... on auto mode... but sometimes, i get really annoyed...

I get annoyed because 'I' have to treat someone as nice as possible when he clearly do not deserve it. Does not deserve my loyalty or compassion. At times, i get really mad i really want to do something, but i dunno what...

The truth hurts and is hard to accept... but .. its all facts... that is just the way it was... no beating round the bush..

sometimes i felt compelled to be nice and do things as much as possible... i do not like to be a pushover...

There are times when i am connered to do something i do not want to do... that just evoke anger and high level of resentment... and maybe, that is what i feel.. resentment... all those years... it just boils down to this.... loads of resentment...

They say, to forgive is divine.... well... i am no angel... i may forgive, i still remember, i still remember the void...

I am trying... but maybe not hard enough... not wanting to?

Its been a while since my last post... Not that i have completely run dry with things to write or say... but i guess.. the time had been used for other purposes these days.

Currently, I am sleeping in the hospital... again. It is night, an hour towards midnight, and the ward is still filled with noises from a particular patient. Not that the nurses had not been helpful... they are and they tried to pacify the patient.. but he is just relentless... I would tell him off myself... but i would harm him more than he deserved.. so i kept my cool!!!

Mum and dad is already sleeping. The man next to me is also sleeping... talking about the man next to me... his nephew, hit on me like 2 days ago!! It was a BLATANT hit... with the obvious lines... I wanted to puke... but i smiled instead... feeling sorry for the man... seriously.. i do not for that... guess where this hit took place...?? In the loo, while i was waiting for dad to poop!! what bad timing and taste!!!

Obviously the joke was shared amongst some of the sisters... whom probably had shared it with others... I did share it with some other person... and he had a laugh as well!!!

Being back in my old working environment, with people knowing and saying hi... I kind of miss it. I miss the people. not the work... They had been very nice to me for the 8 years i worked with them.. and the fact that, after leaving them for 4 years, and they still nice to me was very heart felt.

It had been a while, but i still do talk to Frank. There are days i missed him... some are bad... I always wondered if he was the one really meant for me... i often wondered if i would meet someone else...

My forehead is aching... meaning i need to rest... but i feel that the ward is slightly warm, is that the reason why?? I miss my bed and the aircon...

In just a few weeks time, i would be going for one of the most inportant journey in my life... and i need to get ready for it, not just spiritually but also emotionally and physically!!! I have gained weight!!! need to lose it... but with the stress, i keep on piling it on!!!

I seriously need help in the clinic... and i wish someone is there to share the clinic, help man it... help run it too... I don't really mind if its not local... just need help...

Last week, i went to Burt's place for CNY. I have not done that for a while!!! It was nice and cozy. I ended the day with a movie by myself (sad but true) and a drive back to KB.

Some days, life is just so busy i seemed to have neglected what is left of my few friends...

thinking...

Sometimes you think you know something... and you know its the right thing.... and you tell it to someone but it is not well received.... and they don't understand it either...

No matter how much you explained it.. they seem to think you know or understand it and does not trust your judgement when you know what it is and had informed them already...

Fwd: Interesting

May your day be a happy one. I am sending you this

for you to have a good laugh

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her
class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well
known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these
are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...until they stop
running.
2. Strike while the......... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before....Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ------.termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but -------how?
6. Don't bite the hand that-------- looks dirty.
7. No news is ...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ........ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .----- me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............ pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ............ .pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..not much
17. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .----- get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .... see in the picture

on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ......... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than ....pregnant

i am in my room, checking facebook out....

there are lots of people on line, but funny how you do not want to talk to them....

feel lonely...

ended up talking to my cleaner (which is fun), my ex-boss young daughter (fun too) and a work friend (serious fun, but fun)...

bored... will lead to eating... have to do something... what??? hmmmm......

Talk about HECTIC.... I am here... there... here again... and there again... all over the place.... 3 districts in a day!!!

Even super girl gets exhausted....

on the positive side.. I have achieved lots of work today ...... (and many more on my list to be crossed out!!!)

There is a camping to plan.... (tonight and nights after that...)
There is a meeting in KB and Tut tomorrow....
The same goes for Wednesday.... Meeting the whole day!!!
Again... meeting on Thursday PM!!

If the meetings were not that important... I would not attend... but they all are..... :( sigh...

I knew there was a VERY good reason why i did not get the UK trip.... :( Disappointing.... but there was a hikmah....

Happy Anniversary

Who would have thought time fly so fast..... its been 4 years since we joined SSEAYP and jumped on the plane to Klang, Malaysia via Singapore....

The experience was not completely good for me, as i had to endure lots of 'hard' personalities... but there were good memories made...

I was EXPLICITLY sick through out the journey... I learnt and felt kindness, friendship, ignorance, selfishness and more.... But i also learnt teamwork, and the spirit of togetherness that binds...

Lots of the team members had very pleasant experiences... Most, if you ask, would like to repeat their experiences.... I probably wouldn't want to unless i was not the leader...

Being a leader is not something EASY... there are just so many things to do... and being responsible and being an example to others is not exactly an easy task...

I made GREAT friends... I also learnt to trust selected few as most are what you call a double edged swords... or better known as TALAM DUA MUKA...

Though there were not lots of pictures gathered during the trip as out 'press' refused to share ALL of our pictures... we still managed to share common memories and share what pictures we have amongst each other...

Wishing all PY 2005 Happy Anniversary.... where ever in the world you are.... Thank you for being the colours of my rainbow....

It has been a while...

I am much over my initial sadness of a broken relationship that i was seriously into... Occasionally, I look back... and think... but.. it happened.... Tried to make it different... but it became different and it was not quite the same... just when i wanted i to be the same...

Recently, my CEO decided that a friend and i would make a good 'motivators'! like where did he get that from??? I need motivation myself :P

Last week, we went for a trip to Temburong where we (me and friends) did a motivation games and 'talk'.. it was fun :)

i was so looking forward to going back to UK.. even if it was for a course.... unfortunately that did not go through.... there is a divine plan for me, right...

Next week, i am going out with the boys... that is something i look forward to... ;)

someone said to me... that i dress too simple and that 'he' would like to see me in more than that... he did not specify how... but i gather that he would like to see me more dressed up like 'normal' girls go to work instead of my baju kurong, and put on make up... heels...

I laughed it off... i know there is nothing wrong with what i wear... or my lack of make up... its not like it impaired my work quality or how i see my patients... but it made me think...

Should i really make a change??? but why??? I am happy to be simple.... but if it changes perception... and it would help me get my way... i would try... i think.... its too much work at first.. but i am sure i can accommodate it...

what you think.........

Update...

So the country finally had its share of the Swine Flu.... And guess what i have been doing...

I had a fairly relaxed birthday... was treated to a 'surprised' nasi katok and cake treat in the clinic... and a my fav food for dinner... I had lots of birthday greetings on sms, esp from F whom remembered.... I was flooded with texts and lines on facebook. To all.. Thank YOU!!

The day after, though the sultan's birthday was not celebrated as usual, i went out with 2 boys (i should say MEN, but i am comfortable with boys!). Had plenty of food, movies (and a screaming one, too), and very very nice company :) It was a brilliant day.... I love the boys... they are just brilliant!

To make things only better, i met up with the girls and Yus for a birthday lunch. Unfortunately A, can't make it... but she has her kids :) so that is great too. and again, i had a smashing time!!! I had cake, great food, pressies :) (I had from the boys, too) and a movie with L. Had a very lovely time with them, too! Thank you girls and boy....

I am one of the few had to work because of Influenza A H1N1 hits our country, but few things came out of it:

1. I remembered i love work and is organised and 'efficient' :P hahahahaha! But its true!
   
2. i found my spirit, again....
   
3. i sleep well (most days, and does not require taking my sleeping pills!)
4. i spend time with 'creative' people... and people whom genuinely cared... and they too work passionately...

I also enjoyed spending more time with friends... and booking friends around my tight schedule... but time spent was and is always was/going to be brilliant!!!

I have not seen my little people, but that is out of choice for their protection mostly... soon... i hope i get to see them.... soon....

Few days back... i enjoyed a walk on the beach with a friend... THAT was brilliant... I forgot how much i love the beach... and people watching :) I saw people (families) catching fish on the beach itself. I enjoyed myself watching them...

Again, despite the current pandamic, i am more happier... and my doctor feels the same way... hope it continues to be so...

Emotionally, i have been through many things... its was excruciatingly painful, humiliating, felt betrayed, was an opener ... I was glad i am working as it gives me the opportunity to 'run' and 'hide' from things i wasn't ready or prepared to confront and work through...

I felt like such a 'loser'... like... i made all the mistakes that i could not understand it... My brain could not compute it that it shuts down... I even experienced self-doubt!!! for a while, numbness was what i felt... and it gets you through the motions of the daily routine...

Last week, I spent the day with the kids... they were so full of life! They slept over... and i played carer for the night. I cooked, cleaned, prepare bed, bath, watch tv, talked and played, did not sleep a wink... and it started VERY early again the next day!

Though kids exhausts you... they made you angry.... but they can be loving too....

a niece said, "Aunty M... I love your toilet!" - i smiled!

Another said, "Can i sleep here forever? - Obviously NO! but, its sweet to be thought of as nice... as compared to being nothing in other's eyes and/or opinions.

Kids also gives you hugs and kisses... i love them all...

I'm in and out of my phases... There are good days... there are bad days...

Basic Life Saving Course

Today, me and several friends and colleagues from the hospital joined the Basic Life Saving Course in Ong Sum Ping. We were joined by several nurses from the same districts, and fellow nurses from JPMC. Though we did not really know each other, since we are a friendly sort, we kind of blended sort of well... (Its natural that there are several that do not BLEND well even if you try!)

The course, i thought would be a bit daunting... But, despite reminders to actually learn as questions may be tough, i didn't!!! and was hopeful to rely on the old grey matter to save the day!!! and it did!!! :) Lucky me!

The lecture bit was not boring... It was good... Though it could have been expanded. In theory, if you had read the content of the course before you have started the class, you can ask all sorts of questions... HOWEVER, should you are like me, ignorant with very little medical background, you wouldn't know what to ask, thinking all information had been laid out for you - (typical behaviour of spoonfeeding!!! Despite studying abroad!!! :P)

In the middle of the lecture, we were briefly interrupted by a man whom was obviously in-charge. He informed us that a few 'lucky' ones with good scores might be called upon to join the 'unit' as instructors where ever they may be... as of this moment in time, instructors are only made up of nurses.

Its not like there would be a hike in pay.... I wan't very much interested... but was looking forward to having fun! I am such a nerd! I like answering questions, even though i sometimes know it is incorrect... I know i should really give others the chance to answer... but since they didn't, i didn't really want to disappoint the speaker by giving this vibe that we are disinterested in her 'talk' and the task at hand. I would be most worried if no one responded while i am giving the talk :)

Anyways... Practical time approached :) and it was fun time. I was fortunate to have been grouped with A. It is fun-ner to be with someone you can have fun with, relax and absorb :) The others in the group were also very warm :) and made learning very easy to absorb :) I found the practical quite easy... though several repetition required before it could be mastered:P

Giving the kiss of life is not as easy or 'sexy' and alluring as you may think it is... I, for one, find it gross... I always find the exchange of body fluids no matter where it comes from gross.... and unhygenic. Lucky, each of us were given this plastic fllim with a breatheable piece in the middle to put across the lips to help us perform our task in a MORE hygenic manner.

Imagine otherwise, the saliva exchange of at least 22 people on the manikin, not including the instructors!!! GROSS!!! BACTERIA!!! VIRUS!!! YUCK!!!

There were four battle stations... and, it was actually quite good. I have to give the instructors a big hand, the speaker as well, for preparing a lesson plan that is effective, as well as fun. No one was intimidated by my questions, and the others as well... Generally... I had fun :)

Exam time.... consists of 4 battle stations (practical) and 50 MCQ questions. Though MOST of the questions were not hard, they are definately tricky! but... i passed :) and the practical was basically what you have learnt in the morning.

The new CPR technique IS easier than the one i had learnt more than 4 years ago, where the rules changes for different ages. The new CPR techniques are quite easy to follow and understand, and do it yourself.

Though you get tired huffing and puffing.... and giving chest compressions through out the day, fantastically, several things came out from today:
1. I had fun, laughing and smiling the whole day :)
2. I bonded with people from the hospital... and i 'berkenalan' with 3 new staff of MOH.
3. Exchange and update of news was vital to make sure you know what is going on in your surroundings... and of this moment, i am considered updated with events :)
4. Had been invited to be a BLS instructor despite low scores on tests - must be the personality that attracted them.