Call me naive, but I like to believe the good will always win, and somehow, people will eventually find out whom the rotten ones are... But real life is no story book, nor does it have perfect endings... and people do not always grow a conscience, nor do they reflect back on it...

When does something petty starts to be something uncool? When does something insignificant starts to be hurtful? When does little annoying bits turn to big annoying bits?? And does the phrase, " it only hurts if you let it", true?

Years had passed, and I am yet again, pissed off with the doctors at work. Should I tell someone and make a big deal out of it, just because i feel really annoyed by him?? Should I not want to work with him? Should I learn to ignore him and plod on?

Normally, this is beneath me... but I am the target. I do want to lash out... but i want to hurt them where it hurts. something meaningful. Just sacrifice?? forgive and forget?

Can we really just be blunt and let our tongue do the thinking and walking? Its a mass of muscle without any bone!

.....

Sometimes, I don't know.... To me, friends are people we be nice to... yes of course we can be moody and we complain to them, and they are to be sympathetic, or not ;) but, we should be able to accept them... after all, they are the ones we choose for ourselves...

but what if we are friends only under circumstances??? and should that circumstance be lifted, you are nothing to each other... are we friends??? Does that give us the right to be rude? or even hurtful or disrespectful?

I like to think i am more sabar and i tolerate different types of personalities. There are types i cannot stand... and really push my buttons, but most of the time, i do try... But, just because i try and is plesant, am i letting people trample all over me? Do i give them the opportunity to do so? I am no pushover, but i can be nice to a default!!

When someone react a particular way to something... though its not my fault and i apologise... the fact that they did not apologise makes me wonder and hurt... did they think they were right? Did they think i was wrong? Is it not common courtesy just to say you are sorry the same way i am that things happend the why they did?? Did you not feel sorry or even ashamed that it was public and i had to deal with things on my own and pretended things were ok to everyone, when all i wanted to do was crawl into a corner and cry??

I am thinking.... can I work like that? Can things be the same after that? Do I want things to be the same, pretending it did not happen? Am I being emotional?

All I know, I try to make things the same, pretend its over and burried... but I still feel hurt...

If an opportunity knocks on your door:

• Would you let it go only because you are scared of what's to happen?
• Would you let it go because you do not want to leave someone behind?
• Or would you grab it with open arms?
• Accept it knowing what lies ahead may not be as good as what you have now, but it is a promotion or at least a boost in status???

I love too strong and is very loyal... Life has its secrets... What's install for me??

Sometimes we forget how lucky we are and we tend to focus on things that are irrelevant and make a huge fuss about it that it absorbs us!

Wage here is poorly - i personally feel that. but it really does not stop you from really giving your all. There are after all some professional ethics and obligations to the people you are looking after! having said that, not everyone agrees. and most would like to be paid for the extra 'work' that they have done - rightly so... but if we are not paid what we should, does that mean we stop providing? If that is the case, can i reduce and minimize the things that i am currently doing?

Support is unclear - yes, my own support here is strong and i know people have my back and would help and support me even when i am not there to defend myself... but generally speaking... and on the higher level... It often breaks me...

communication - again, everyone wants to be heard, but do we even listen to each other. To communicate is to listen. we teach the young to listen but we do not show or lead by example! Lots of people think i am tough... few know and understand i am a softie at heart.. and that i take things very literally... but having said that, i try to improve though words hurt a lot.

emotionally - scarred is to say the least! People are mean for various reasons. They say and do hurtful things. Why can't we all just be pleasant and be nice to each other.

i ache... exhausted... It has been quite an emotionally week..

Motivation Talk

Alhamdulilah, the motivation talk and activity went well today :)

I found my motivational handouts i made for last year's group. Looking at it. yup. still good enough. Its how i present it that matters :)

During lunch, we talked (me and A) about games we can use that are short but inspire motivation :) Our time had been reduced from 2 hours to only 1 hour :)

I enjoy delivering something i think i am capable of :) and when people enjoy it, and they absorb and appreciate it, it makes me feel good too :)

Late in the day, I went to the Admin Block to talk to my CEO whom was in a meeting. In the meeting was the coordinator for the activity. She said, she received rave reviews of the lecture and activity we made.

In fact, just like last year, they requested for us to be present for future group sessions and that we conduct more activities for them :)

Smile graciously, keep quiet and move out of the room slowly :P

WHAT?!

What happened to the old template???
Where are my links???
Where is my tagboard???
Where is my counter??? My clock??
HUH???
I lost them all??
Hey.... where is it stored? Anyone???

New layout

Like the new layout?

Motivation

I am going to deliver a 'motivational' talk to the a group of people sometime next week!!! and i have not prepared anything!

I am doing this to cover for my boss whom would not be able to make it on that day for the motivational talk that that he often delivers.

looks like i need to do RESEARCH! and its already end of the week. This is going to be on Tuesday!!! OMG!!!

Can i do this???

A special announcement was made today on the 8 pm news. Yes, HM divorced the 2nd (3rd) wife.

A part of me is saying, alhamdulillah... Allah melindungi Kebawah Duli... God answered my and many other's prayers.

A part of me is sad not only for the kids but also for him...

He must be sad...

I would give him a HUGE hug... I wish him well...

If i know him... i would just sit and listen to him... maybe inject meela-ism into it...

It is how funny how your life is the way it is...

Did I ever thought it would be like this? No.

Do I want it to be like this? I am not quite sure.

Is it a hard life? Compared to others, its quite comfortable.

But why am i like not 'satisfied'???

I look around... I hear things....

I look around... I see things...

I look around... I feel things...

May it only be a part of the whole picture,...

May it not be a true representative of what it really is...

Sometimes I am envious of things people have...

envious of what people do...

envious of how people live...

envious... of how they cope...

envious of their knowledge..

their strengths.... their opportunities...

their courage... their willingness to try...

People sometimes choke me...

sometimes i feel so small compared to others...

yet... here I am complaining about 'me'

Its strange how certain thing affect you.... how people affect you...

Most annoying

I pride myself of being a good clinician. I go all the way to make things interesting for my patients and i work hard to find out what is wrong with them, understand their condition and environment, and look up new methods to work on them when known therapy methods do not work over the years or months. so when someone 'accuses' me of not doing my work properly, even in the slightest sense, it offends me!!! I am angry and mostly disappointed... If i can sue... not only professionals but also patients for defamation... i would... Probably i can if i want to... but that would be a long process, not to talk about lots of money involved! I would complain to appropriate people, but there is not a 'body' that would listen to your plight. In the end, it would be a hear-say kind of thing! and things get really distorted! It is just most annoying!!! I am very very annoyed!!!

I am not sure how i feel... often its blank... on auto mode... but sometimes, i get really annoyed...

I get annoyed because 'I' have to treat someone as nice as possible when he clearly do not deserve it. Does not deserve my loyalty or compassion. At times, i get really mad i really want to do something, but i dunno what...

The truth hurts and is hard to accept... but .. its all facts... that is just the way it was... no beating round the bush..

sometimes i felt compelled to be nice and do things as much as possible... i do not like to be a pushover...

There are times when i am connered to do something i do not want to do... that just evoke anger and high level of resentment... and maybe, that is what i feel.. resentment... all those years... it just boils down to this.... loads of resentment...

They say, to forgive is divine.... well... i am no angel... i may forgive, i still remember, i still remember the void...

I am trying... but maybe not hard enough... not wanting to?

Its been a while since my last post... Not that i have completely run dry with things to write or say... but i guess.. the time had been used for other purposes these days.

Currently, I am sleeping in the hospital... again. It is night, an hour towards midnight, and the ward is still filled with noises from a particular patient. Not that the nurses had not been helpful... they are and they tried to pacify the patient.. but he is just relentless... I would tell him off myself... but i would harm him more than he deserved.. so i kept my cool!!!

Mum and dad is already sleeping. The man next to me is also sleeping... talking about the man next to me... his nephew, hit on me like 2 days ago!! It was a BLATANT hit... with the obvious lines... I wanted to puke... but i smiled instead... feeling sorry for the man... seriously.. i do not for that... guess where this hit took place...?? In the loo, while i was waiting for dad to poop!! what bad timing and taste!!!

Obviously the joke was shared amongst some of the sisters... whom probably had shared it with others... I did share it with some other person... and he had a laugh as well!!!

Being back in my old working environment, with people knowing and saying hi... I kind of miss it. I miss the people. not the work... They had been very nice to me for the 8 years i worked with them.. and the fact that, after leaving them for 4 years, and they still nice to me was very heart felt.

It had been a while, but i still do talk to Frank. There are days i missed him... some are bad... I always wondered if he was the one really meant for me... i often wondered if i would meet someone else...

My forehead is aching... meaning i need to rest... but i feel that the ward is slightly warm, is that the reason why?? I miss my bed and the aircon...

In just a few weeks time, i would be going for one of the most inportant journey in my life... and i need to get ready for it, not just spiritually but also emotionally and physically!!! I have gained weight!!! need to lose it... but with the stress, i keep on piling it on!!!

I seriously need help in the clinic... and i wish someone is there to share the clinic, help man it... help run it too... I don't really mind if its not local... just need help...

Last week, i went to Burt's place for CNY. I have not done that for a while!!! It was nice and cozy. I ended the day with a movie by myself (sad but true) and a drive back to KB.

Some days, life is just so busy i seemed to have neglected what is left of my few friends...

thinking...

Sometimes you think you know something... and you know its the right thing.... and you tell it to someone but it is not well received.... and they don't understand it either...

No matter how much you explained it.. they seem to think you know or understand it and does not trust your judgement when you know what it is and had informed them already...

Fwd: Interesting

May your day be a happy one. I am sending you this

for you to have a good laugh

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her
class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well
known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the
proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these
are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...until they stop
running.
2. Strike while the......... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before....Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ------.termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but -------how?
6. Don't bite the hand that-------- looks dirty.
7. No news is ...impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ........ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust .----- me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............ pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ............ .pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..not much
17. Two's company, three's ... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ............ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .----- get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .... see in the picture

on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ......... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than ....pregnant

i am in my room, checking facebook out....

there are lots of people on line, but funny how you do not want to talk to them....

feel lonely...

ended up talking to my cleaner (which is fun), my ex-boss young daughter (fun too) and a work friend (serious fun, but fun)...

bored... will lead to eating... have to do something... what??? hmmmm......

Talk about HECTIC.... I am here... there... here again... and there again... all over the place.... 3 districts in a day!!!

Even super girl gets exhausted....

on the positive side.. I have achieved lots of work today ...... (and many more on my list to be crossed out!!!)

There is a camping to plan.... (tonight and nights after that...)
There is a meeting in KB and Tut tomorrow....
The same goes for Wednesday.... Meeting the whole day!!!
Again... meeting on Thursday PM!!

If the meetings were not that important... I would not attend... but they all are..... :( sigh...

I knew there was a VERY good reason why i did not get the UK trip.... :( Disappointing.... but there was a hikmah....

Happy Anniversary

Who would have thought time fly so fast..... its been 4 years since we joined SSEAYP and jumped on the plane to Klang, Malaysia via Singapore....

The experience was not completely good for me, as i had to endure lots of 'hard' personalities... but there were good memories made...

I was EXPLICITLY sick through out the journey... I learnt and felt kindness, friendship, ignorance, selfishness and more.... But i also learnt teamwork, and the spirit of togetherness that binds...

Lots of the team members had very pleasant experiences... Most, if you ask, would like to repeat their experiences.... I probably wouldn't want to unless i was not the leader...

Being a leader is not something EASY... there are just so many things to do... and being responsible and being an example to others is not exactly an easy task...

I made GREAT friends... I also learnt to trust selected few as most are what you call a double edged swords... or better known as TALAM DUA MUKA...

Though there were not lots of pictures gathered during the trip as out 'press' refused to share ALL of our pictures... we still managed to share common memories and share what pictures we have amongst each other...

Wishing all PY 2005 Happy Anniversary.... where ever in the world you are.... Thank you for being the colours of my rainbow....

It has been a while...

I am much over my initial sadness of a broken relationship that i was seriously into... Occasionally, I look back... and think... but.. it happened.... Tried to make it different... but it became different and it was not quite the same... just when i wanted i to be the same...

Recently, my CEO decided that a friend and i would make a good 'motivators'! like where did he get that from??? I need motivation myself :P

Last week, we went for a trip to Temburong where we (me and friends) did a motivation games and 'talk'.. it was fun :)

i was so looking forward to going back to UK.. even if it was for a course.... unfortunately that did not go through.... there is a divine plan for me, right...

Next week, i am going out with the boys... that is something i look forward to... ;)

someone said to me... that i dress too simple and that 'he' would like to see me in more than that... he did not specify how... but i gather that he would like to see me more dressed up like 'normal' girls go to work instead of my baju kurong, and put on make up... heels...

I laughed it off... i know there is nothing wrong with what i wear... or my lack of make up... its not like it impaired my work quality or how i see my patients... but it made me think...

Should i really make a change??? but why??? I am happy to be simple.... but if it changes perception... and it would help me get my way... i would try... i think.... its too much work at first.. but i am sure i can accommodate it...

what you think.........