Malay Wedding: Berjarum-jarum / berisik-risik / bersuruh

This marks the beginning of the rituals/events of a Malay wedding. The three words above, basically means the same thing... It is the event where the interested family members of the male’s (groom) goes to the female’s (bride) house to ask, ever so politely if their daughter is available… and if they can have her as their future daughter-in-law. That is it basically in a nutshell… But, we are rich in culture, so we all are led to believe, and we never do things so simple and straightforward… so the following are series of things that would happen :P

Obviously before it all can happen, you have to have a person in mind… You then talk it out between the two of you how to approach your family and stuff… When you have gotten over that hurdle, it is your family’s turn to start the ball rolling! The bride will obviously tell her parents that a group of people are coming over to their house with this “hajat” (intention) and the groom will let his family know and both have to select a “wakil” (representative/spokesperson) to talk on their behalf for the whole EVENT!!! Both families will then have to agree on a date and time, and it starts… (NB: Its only polite to tell the bride’s family how many are coming for them to prepare food :P Living in Brunei is all about food :P)

The ONLY people allowed at the start of this proceeding are OLDER family members and VERY VERY close family members… (‘Family’ in BRUNEI is a BLURISH issue. You are related to HALF of Brunei…. Your third cousins, are still considered family if you are close to them. However, in this context, it means your siblings and their spouses, REAL grandparents, and your parents as well as your ‘WAKIL’) NO children at this stage.

The groom’s people will go over to the bride’s place. The person who will be doing all the talking would be the appointed spokesperson on both sides. This person has to be someone important or respected member of your family. Your MUM and DAD are to be quiet during the whole time (so says my source!!!) (I am sure they would have discussed what are acceptable and not etc. so the spokesperson would be acting in the best interest of the groom’s /bride’s family, so as not to look too keen or obvious or for what ever reason this ritual was invented! :P)

When you are at the bride’s house, you would be accepted warmly… you’ll be asked to sit etc. First, you talk about the weather and your journey finding the house etc. Then, the groom’s spokesperson would start the conversation by telling the bride’s family why they are there… or the bride’s spokesperson would start and ask why they have come to their humble dwelling… and this is the FUN bit… Traditionally… people do not use our simple everyday language, instead they used “pantun” (Malay quatrains/similar to poems) to decipher their intentions… (I love pantun :) I think it is fun, and ROMANTIC when used properly. I used to be good at it…) and they (both spokesperson) would speak in this language the whole time :P Now, I suppose, they may still use the fun way, but I suspect, its only reserved to the older folks… The younger spokesperson would talk in riddles (also known as flowery language) :P but easily understood by all *sigh* I hope I haven’t lost you!!! Its easy to be lost… but read it again… it really is simple :P

The groom’s spokesperson would ask questions and spell their intentions such as wanting to ask if they have a beautiful flower (daughter) for the picking. Has their flower been picked by anyone…. Has anyone spelt interest? Etc.

The spokesperson for the bride would answer accordingly such as we have many beautiful flowers, which is the one you intended to pick? (Meaning, the family has more than 1 daughter and you have to tell them which one you are interested in) Our flower has not been picked, but if you are interested, please let us know why etc. (SIGH!!! THIS IS DIFFICULT!!!! But you get the picture!)

Once they have confirmed that the bride is single and available and you may be the one betrothed to her… they will move on to the second step. (NOTE: the bride and groom is not yet engaged… merely ‘BOOKED’ for one another, so no one else can take her away from you…. She is all yours… in a sense, you are unofficially engaged! he he he)

During all that talk, somehow, you offer a ring and some money (say B$200) to the bride as your sign of gratitude or love or something… just a sign!!! (NB: The groom is not to be anywhere NEAR this event!!!)

The bride’s side would then, prepare a list of demands :P (he he he), in this case it’s a blessing to be a girl :P, what they wanted and how much they want for the whole wedding ceremony. Its up to both sides to discuss what is required according to each family’s rituals :P My family usually would ask for “Kain Jong Sarat” = traditionally hand woven material that may be used during the other wedding ceremonies. Other families would ask for gold, money or even weird things such as coconuts… etc… The thing is… the groom will have to prepare everything as requested to proceed to the next ceremony.

Once the list had been given and accepted, the first ceremony has come to a closing… :P and you end it with food and drinks :P he he he :) THE END

The second event, Menghantar tanda bertunang, is usually a few months/years after the first meeting. (Usually about 2-3 months after) BUT… if you are in a rush… you obviously speed up the process…

VOCABULARY/GLOSSARY
Hajat = wish/aim/intention
Wakil = representative (in this wedding, your elected/appointed spokesperson)
Pantun = Malay quatrains (in this wedding you have an exchange of quatrains, if possible)
Kain Jong Sarat = specially and traditionally hand woven cloth/material that is unique for Brunei, made of gold threads. (NB: You have to book in advance for STAR Quality and may cost at least B$1000 for simple ones)