memories...

I am sitting here in front of my computer thinking of the next witty and funny event/incident/thing that had happened in my life recently… NOTHING!!! Life had been hectic as predicted and I am still surviving it… It hasn’t been overtly overwhelming! I suppose, under pressure, I work well, however, it is not how I desire to be in on a permanently basis.

As I was thinking about what had happened in my life recently, I got a mini flashback to what life had been before… my childhood. Everyone has similar childhood experiences, that is, the normal ones fortunate enough to have a normal childhood… Mine was interesting… and I remembered a lot and not a lot of people in my family believed I remembered all that much!!! Considering my first childhood memory I have is one of me with my grandfather at the age of 3!!!

When I was younger, I was surrounded by men that LOVED me very very much. I remembered how they doted on me… they played with me… toyed and baited me… braided my hair… brought me for car rides etc. I was very very secure until they all died… I felt… BEREFT! I suppose insecurities started early in life…

I have never been able to handle death very well… may it be humans or pets. I remembered having nightmares for years and years after the death of my loved ones… and when my first cat died… I didn’t go to school for a few days… It is not the fear of death that scared me (which I do, but we all will eventually die) but… it’s the feeling of being left… being alone… The person I love dearly had died and I felt… empty and sad…

One of my worst fears is to get really close and open myself up to people, enough to get hurt when they leave for what ever reasons there is… I had lots of friends in school… but I can’t seem to remember to have a BEST friend!!! I kind if of never believed in it… or the fear of being disappointed was great that I never attempted to have one…

As I grew older, I felt lonely to be so private, so I attempted to change myself… and I acquired several very good friends… and I thought 2 best friends… but… with people, you can’t seem to be so sure… they change, we change… and everything is out of balance and proportion… When I felt I have lost this friend, I felt completely out of sorts… I was very very sad… I couldn’t be consoled… I didn’t cry days on ends… and do what ever others do when they are in similar situations… I have much sense for that… I did my crying alone and privately… and always appear to be cool to others on the outside… I had confided in several good and close friends about this… It has been several years now… but it still hurts like HELL… and I really hate the feeling!

I have happy memories… like getting good grades in school; mission or religious… being teacher’s pet, being well liked by all in school or at home including peers and many more… The memories I treasure the most is when I am with my family… the rarity of us having a family day makes the memories even more precious… such as when we had a picnic/stay over at the Serasa beach, trip to Singapore in 1982, Thailand trip in 1990, road trip to Kucing, Sarawak in 1989 etc. The sweetest memories of all is my student days…

Walking down memory lane had been bitter-sweet… There had been heartaches, failures, but there had been great love and success that is yet to be conveyed in films… When someone asks me if I am given the opportunity to change anything in my past, would I and what would I change?? My answer would be NO, I don’t want to change anything in my past. It is colourful and I love it just the way it is, flawed and all… I have made mistakes and believe me there are PLENTY… small and major ones… but, through mistakes we learn to grow up… and mistakes are what makes up our memory banks to be sweet and more memorable!

If you can feel and see what I see and feel of what had happened to me in my past, you’ll smile, laugh and cry HARD… and you’ll understand how precious they are and however flawed, they are worth to be kept the way they are…