Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

You are pure, moral, and adaptable. You tend to blend into your surroundings. Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends. You believe that you live a virtuous life... And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye. As a result, people tend to crave your approval.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Kak Meng-meng, Hannah and Kak Neza at Nonya when we were celebrating Aunty Nor's and Kak Nana's birthday... There were actually 3 generations of the "Ibrahims' that were there... and all of us ladies... What fun we had that night :) 

A few of us striking a pose... Its nice to take pictures... Can you tell that we are starving??? 

Lena and I were sitting together. She is one of the senior therapists at work... She kindly applied make-up for me... i planned to go PLAIN ;) but, the others protested!!! 

Have you all ever wondered how Burt looked like???? Well... this is the gorgeous looking Burt :P We stole a moment while waiting for the crown prince to appear during the lunch! 

Agnes and I have been friends for years... We went through a lot.. and we are still going through life's jouney together..... (NB: In the middle, at the background, is Ilham. He is our senior in University! Nice guy!) 

This is a picture of me and Grace. She is a friend of mine from Primary 5, eons ago. She found me on friendster late last year and we have been CHATTING endlessly since :) She is a STAR :) 

Some of us got together on Aunty Nor's birthday at Kak Neza's place. We sat around, eating, laughing and talking through most of the night!!! 

This is a picture of us with Pengiran and his wife. Pengiran used to work with my Bungsu in Belgium. Now, he is a good friend to the family. 

This is Kak Nana... she wanted this picture to be seen by my youngest sister whom had gone to Uganda on a frinely mission :) 

This is Oscar. He is a new addition to the family. He is now a month old, able to walk and eat solid food. He is in the middle of toilet training. 

sharing quiz results with you...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Love or Money?

I was listening to the radio one day... As usual it was boring... the DJs laugh at their own jokes... their sentence structure are attrocious, the callers are embarassing.... but i listen to them none-the-less... There is a reason behind this...

I was giving a lectures to "DJs" of Brunei several years before... And it was pretty embarrasing that I didn't even know what channel are what... I don't even know the local DJ's names... I don't even know what was available on the radio... All i know was that it was (and still is, I AM SORRY, but its the truth!) untollarable for me to listen to it every morning!!! But because of this incident, I tried to listen to more of the Brunei Radio channels... THAT is the only reason why i listen to them...

Anyways... one of the night topics was "love or money?" which would you choose... I listened for a while... but few minutes later, i could not hold it any longer... i switched the radio off... It is an interesting topic... and i am sure some if not most of us has thought about it several times in our life...

It would be a lie if i said it has not occured to me... When i was younger, my immediate answer would be "Of course LOVE"... Love was very important to me... the feeling of being loved, being adored, compassion and adoration... who didn't want that. Plus, I had this image of a fairy tale when you mention the word "love"... Who does not want a fairy tale???

Why not money? is it not important? At that age, the impression i got from the romace books i read was LOVE is enough... Money is something you can work on... something you can try and find... But if you lost love, you lost everything...

I am older and much wiser... and my thoughts have changed slightly *wink* Yes love is important but so is money... You can't live on love alone, especially with the current financial depression in the region and everywhere else... With love and marriage comes children... and children need a lot of $$$

If you marry for money, you marry the man for stability, companionship and understanding... Somehow, i feel, this is better than marrying for love, of which you get out of is heartaches and lots of it...

But then,... living a long comfortable life, but unloved is so sad... but then again, with money you can do charity work... and do something that you like... You have the choice of not working for a stupid boss...

sigh.... what is the right balance... i suppose you need both equally in moderation... and i definately like both if i can have it... but if i can't... well... you can't have it all... such is life...

age...

Today is my eldest sister's birthday... and she turned 30. Age is not a big thing... neither is birthdays to us... but somehow.. everytime we hit the big zeros... its such a big deal...

I remembered when i was about to turn 20 several years back.. I was far away from home and the only people i had were my flatmates and my bruneian friends... I was moaning, groaning and was very very upset to turn twenty...

To most it is not such a big deal... but to me... 20 was like the end of my childhood... the end of my teenage years... the end of being "stupid"... there are bigger responsibilities and greater expectations... me being upset was more towards the expectations, the growing up, the responsibilities as opposed to being "older"...

Turning 30, (a few more years for me!) is another milestone... i kind of understand why it will be haunting... difficult to accept... This time... 30 is like a reflection of what you have done with your life.. have you met expectations... have you achieved anything, have you made a difference, have you a "life" in the deepest sense?!

To have answer them in a way that is not really satisfying, not only to you, but to others as well, kind of brings your self worth a bit lower than it should be... it kills self esteem as well as self potrayal of yourself!

I do not look forward to being 30... Several reasons... I started work when i was 22... and 6 years later, I am in no better position than i was before... even sader, i have contemplated unimaginable things that a person normally wouldn't...

My life is a big blur... I have not achieved anything... other than heartaches, weight problems as well as major headaches...

If you have asked me at 22 or even 20, what i imagined my life would be at this age or nearing 30, the answer is nothing close to this!!! Being ambitious, I had always rise to challenges and is not shy of hardwork... I kind of look forward to them with reason... but... being ambitious in my current situation is really of no use... it kills your enthusiasm...

and like i said previously... having a kaling boss or bosses that does not bother to listen to you or to your ideas, and look down on you as if you are ants, bosses that makes you do their dirty laundry, bosses that takes your ideas with out giving any recognition, bosses that are not supportive or acts as if they are only to backstab you viciously from the back, bosses that claims to listen to you only to do something else.... THESE are things i never imagine that would happen to me...

I had hopes that people would be able to work together... for a better future... listen to each other as we are supposed to be good at "communication", use "psychology" as we only spend a BIG chunk of the semesters all those years understanding the human mind and behavious!!! and the ability to "LEARN" as that is the mission and vision of the ministry...

sadly... plans are plans... they are not always realised... I stopped making and planing my life... but I am reminded back to my religious school lesson, year 4, the prophet said, one without direction in life is LOST... and he is right... I am lost... How can you make plans when NOTHING is able to come true...

If you say its because lack of trying... well... you do not know how furiously i fight that i get into trouble more than i care to remember.... but what is the use... i resign... i work only to pay my loans... i work only to give my brain some activity... i work only because i have to... the passion had died... the enthusiasm had fled long time ago...

THIS IS NOTHING AS I IMAGINED MY LIFE TO BE... but then... this is life... i kind of regretted coming back to Brunei... no matter how much i love it... somehow i think i would have been much happier losing my pitch black hair to greys somewhere else in the world...

I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT, I DONT CARE TO HIDE IT.... EVERYONE KNOWS IT... ITS NOT A SECRET... AND I AM NOT AFRAID OR SHY ABOUT IT... I DON'T HIDE IT...

I HATE KALINGS!!!

I HATE MY BOSS!

STUPID BOSS!

my sunday :)

Today is a very different sunday from the usual sundays i have... I spent my sunday with my family and doing absolutely NO WORK!!! Well... except surfing the internet for some stuff for 2 hours before writing this, but that is different... i was multi-tasking :P

I started the day late... lying in and reading up on my ARCHIE comics... it was really nice to be sleeping in and just doing nothing in bed... then I woke up only because i was tired lyinb in bed... I went online for a few minutes checking on my emails... then I showered and got ready to go out for my facial with my aunt...

We arrived a bit late... but that was ok.. they were very kind... The facial was only about an hour... and it was not so bad... I SLEPT again :) then, we had a small lunch... We received a text message from my sister saying that we should get together for "tea"... so... we went to do some chores and got ready to meet the others...

When we arrieved, itwas kind of cool.. the place was a bit deserted and quiet... i like that :) When the rest arrived, it was no longer quiet... he he he... i like that as well... :P We started the meet with the normal updates... and one of the updates was this dream an aunt of mine had...

She dreamt she was in Oprah's show recieving a make over... She was devestatingly self-proclaimed beautiful, but was offered botox injections to her forehead and cheeks... She agreed and was even more beautiful after that... She claimed she felt the needles puncture her skin and even described the pain.. (LIKE, its a DREAM!!!!) Anyways... soon after, she woke up but ended smiling widely and contently... because.... she was in Oprah's show... ha ha ha :P

One of my aunt (Bungsu) was unable to join us... she was said to be swollen from an allergy she developed against something... she was unsure at first but is adament its "rebung" or 'ikan masin' or 'udang'... anyways... she said, she is going to try all the food again, and to see what makes her literally swell again ;) he he he... I would have taken a picture and publicly humiliate her (wicked laugh) but i kind of forgotten my camera... everyone else didn't have any as well... sigh... of well... we can always spike her food *wink* he he he....

then... when we were together... we had a silly way of making the time pass... today, we took this game that we were supposed to answer... there was a dice, but we never used it... we kind of used the cards but made up our own rules :P he he he... On the cards are lots of questions such as "if i were a _____ what would i be?" and the one reading it will recieve lots of answers from the others and it goes on in a circle :P he he he...

Examples:
"If i were a plant, what would I be?" replies: poison ivy
"If i were a job, what would i be?" replies : blowjob
"If i were a painting, what would i be?" replies: abstract because no one understands
"If i were a language, what would i be?" replies: kedayan ;)
and lots more :P sometimes we give reasons... sometimes its self explanatory....

We ended up at Bungsu's place... to visit and have pizza for dinner... we then went separate ways :) it has been a good sunday.... How was yours?

Some days are boring... some days are exciting.. but I try hard not to let each day just be boring... I try and spice things up... Either by talking to my collegues, or working hard on current issues for my patients, or just writing up reports that seems to never never end!!!

Today is one of those days... preety boring... However, I spiced things up by writing up reports... I also had intellectual discussions with my friend regarding patients we are seeing and what we are going to do with them over morning coffee... I also brilliantly came up with PLANS/management for patients whom are having difficulties in different modalities of language... I have to say, it has been quite a day :) and I am proud of myself... I think I will continue to do some work at home... (I usually bring some easy stuff home so that I can at least do something while watching TV!)

Anyways... I can't just talk about how my day went.. otherwise its going to be boring... and i dislike boring stuff... One of the reason why i love cartoons so much... because they are discourse materials - ever changing and engages you to pay attention from beginning to end! And it just amazes me the WORK people pour into it just for a 30 minutes of show time!!! I am sure not a lot of people are aware of the hard work and is unable to appreciate it...

As I was thinking in the work place today, I came up with lots of BLOG topics for me to discuss... BUT as i am facing the computer... it all disappear from me... SIGH... I know I want to talk about the roundabout (but kind of lost the plot), I also want to talk about disability and attitudes and more... Do you have any topics you think i would be interested in talking about... I would discuss about my patients in detail, but I am afraid that would only bore and frighten people away! *wink*

Talking about patients... People are funny... and I have plenty of funny stories... I have never attempted to write them down, but I tell them all the time to friends/family or anyone that would listen to me ramble! :P

I'll just post this first... I probably will post another one when i come up with something brilliant to write or talk about...

Akademi Fantasia

A lot of us are hooked onto Akademi Fantasia - Initially, in the first season, I wasn't so hooked. I stumbled upon it by accident, when i was visiting my parents and saw them glued to the TV screen... I asked my sisters what they were watching as i have never watched it before... and they told me of this new Reality/campus thing on Astro... That was how it started...

As I was watching more and more of the stuff (first season) I stumbled again by accident, the ads they were doing about each student... Then, it made sense... Did you want to know what I initially thought the ads were...???

I thought, and excuese me for thinking the way i did, that Malaysia is really moving forward in a way I never thought it would, and the fact that it was authorised for them to move forward in that sense and there were no protests or uproars,... kind of suprised me.... I thought the academi students on tv were "prostitutes" (Ugly ones some of them) or escorts... and you can contact them or hire them through the TV!!! That was why i was very suprised and never thought i wanted to watch that program!!!

He he he... I loved Shahri in AF1, and i like BOB in AF2... Tapi Af3 ani, I haven't made up my mind yet... I think AKMA has lots of talent... BUT I know whom i DONT like...
AF1- I dislike NANA and LIZA... ARGH...
AF2 - I strongly dislike LINDA, FITRI and ADAM
AF3 - I strongly dislike +++ AIDIL, KIFLI, FUAD...
I feel, as the season progresses, the students have more and more attitude because they know how it works now... Some of them, not necessarily have the talent... and they croaks...

The thing I dislike the most is the fact that they have this attitude... It kind of pisses me off.. and its such a complete waste of time for me to watch the diaries... I used to be hooked on to them.. but now, I just wait till Saturday and see them perform...

Do I like the program? Do I agree with it? Are they really talented??? Well... I am not one of those fanatic voter... I vote when one of my family members goes off to Malaysia,... that way it is cheaper... we have to be smart financially.... 50 Malaysia cents as opposed to Brunei 1 dollar... WOW!!! that is a lot of extra change... anyways... I feel voters out there are not so concern about talent.... they are more focused on the person's good looks... or thier charisma... they get blinded and side-tracked!!! That is why they have produced a winner that is not so talented... Croaky and unsteady voice,... not so versatile... and it probably shows on the sales of 'his' albums...

And as I was watching re-runs of the shows on @15, especially when there is nothing good on TV, the talents from INDONESIA are amazing and much much better than the ones from Malaysia... it is embarassing for them... and for us as well... because we are included in voting for poor performer!!! Talk about BAD TASTE!

However, I still like Aznil... I think my household enjoys his silly antics... Who are going out from the show this week??? Well... you know whom I dislike... and if this season, the people are still voting some talented people out... I probably will SWEAR not to watch it again....

Commenting on a comment i stumbled upon...

I was just looking back at all the "articles" I have written over the months, and i stumbled upon this comment made by someone i obviously KNOW well and is VERY close to me, but have not disclosed his/her name... But there can't be a lot of you out there... I know whom I told things and whom I don't... and that particular knowledge shared to the whole world was ONLY meant to be shared exclussively within the circle!!! Since the CIRCLE of trust had been violated, and some others may have stumbled on the same information, I feel I have to say somethings as well... :P


I don't exactly have a good track with "RELATIONSHIPS" may it be with GUYS or family members... I am even known to have LOST a lot of friends over the years... Hence, the bitterness and inability to "TRUST" and have negativity in a relationship is, for me, a shield, a protector, a comforter... Once bitten, twice shy.... You learn not to let your heart at the end of your sleeves and try to protect it well from external, unnecessary HURT! I only have 1 HEART!


There are, however, times when i do not start with negativity... IT just grows after... Reasons are plenty... I won't lie and say it happens to all... NO! It only happens to some... and what the criterias are for it to start... well... The higher the chance of my 'heart' coming into the equation... the more careful one has to be... I know I have to change... and I have addressed this issue with a lot of people... I have even contemplated to talk to a professional... HOWEVER, I do feel I can overcome this problem!


and IF you are referring to this guy that liked me for years... well... This is the story... Its out in the open, and once it is, I appreciate you SEND me a personal message if you wish to comment further!


There is this guy i knew... we were friends for years and had kept in touch sporadically... Sometime end of last year, the texting activity had gotten reactivated and I sense a KEEN-ess but backed off since there had never been any clear signs... I, as any other girls, let the guy make a move...


AS it turns out... He continued to keep in touch with text messages... He is not very 'talkative' but i kept him informed and updated briefly about what has happened or what is going on in my life... and when he has anything significant, he usually does the same.


We've gotten closer recently and have decided to give the "RELATIONSHIP" a try and see where it brought us... obviously expression of "LIKES" between two parties had been exchanged... and that had been sparked with the help of some GOOD CLOSE friends...


Things were smooth... we talked on the phone, we continued to text frequently... but we rarely meet up... A lot of reasons contributed to that, but neither of us minded... It was healthy... We discussed issues that may be important to us, that could affect the new relationship... i think We've met up only once before things took a different turn...


It happend suddenly, it happened out of the blue... I may have triggered it with my MILLIONS of questions... but i may not have triggered it... that particular question had never been answered... but, the guy suddenly realised that things were moving too fast, he needed space, he needed to breathe, he needed to pace things out... he wasn't READY... and wanted to remain friends... I don't have a problem with remaining friends... he was a friend in the first place...


so... after reading and having a really quick but concise summary of what had happened... do you still think that I "dont let go things of the past n let go things of the future"????


The way I see it is that I did try and even tried to keep communications open... I was honest with what i wanted, what my aspirations are and more... I DID not hid any bit of me... I did not even let anything RUIN it... it kind of ruined itself... now that has to be FATE and not me!!!

School Holidays!!! YAY!!!

It is the school holidays... and the roads are emptier... there are peace and quiet everywhere... and turn out of patients to my clinic had been on the low... I thought i'd never experience such BLISS :P

I used to wake up late, and because of the traffic due to the children going to school, (It does not help that i live just NEXT to a school!) I used to be slightly late to work... My new "AZAM" for the year was to wake up a bit earlier and i have been achieveing that almost 80% of the month, excluding Fridays and Sundays! So, I am slightly earlier to work, but not at the desired effect! I mean, I wake up early and left the house EARLY, only to arrive LATE as well... the TRAFFIC is unimaginable! PLUS... the HIGHWAY is getting more and more unimaginable with people actually STOPPING (0 km/hr)... what's the deal with that??? What happened to the concept of highway? BUT, during this blissed period, I can arrive to the clinic in less than 5 minutes on a reasonable speed on the highway as opposed to the usual 20-30 minutes!!!!

SILENCE... PEACE... TRANQUILITY... QUIET... sigh... i never thought i'd live to be able to re-live these words again... thank god for school holidays... I think the Ministry of Education should really give more of these to the kids... Its not only good for them, but for other adults that have or don't have children... For me, the bliss in the peace, and less traffic :) For the others, well, I am sure they can come up with their own happy list!

And since it is the School Holidays, some of the children go off for a holiday and they had forgotton to inform us of that little fact, meaning, we are left to enjoy the peace while waiting for them :) It really is a bless holiday season :) More should be created...

First time in a long time, I can actually hear me think... I can catch up with reading material, I have the opportunity to create more interesting materials to be used for the patients as well as update and write up patient reports!!! :) Isn't that good of me to do something useful with my peace, quite and tranquill time?!

The only drawback of this time is during LUNCH... I go out with my friends and i see these teenagers on the road,... just taking up space... They are so "disguisting" (I don't really like teenagers!!! or PEOPLE while we are being truthful!)... They pretend to be sophisticated (NOT!), they pretend to know what there is to know (NOT!), they spend money (NOT THEIR HARD EARNED MONEY!) and they just sit and do nothing!!! THEY POLUTE MY VISION!!!

Its a good thing that i have plenty to keep me busy and hitting the books at home, or I won't be able to enjoy the school holidays!!! Now you tell me how you are going to enjoy your SCHOOL HOLIDAYS???

a relaxed day...

It was a slow morning again... but I managed to clear some stuff away from my table... like write reports and write more reports... I only had one out-patient in the morning today as today is my administration day. She turned out to be okay... I hate pretentious people or difficult ones... pretending or showing that they are better than us... Then, it was my turn to go and see patients in the wards...

I did my usual round with a friend. We have this good system, where i see the patient and she writes up... or she sees the patient and i write up... Occasionally this is FASTER, but there are times when we see patients independently! Either way are fun as we discuss our patients on a regular basis. Anyways, no problematic patients today, and if there are, we kind of gave THEM a skipp ;)

Its my turn again to pick up Hannah from school because her mummy has a conference to attend :) I dont mind... she is such a pleasure :P I was about to send her home, when my sister called and said we are to meet up for lunch at food zone... so i brought Hannah along...

Lunch was a blur... i remember hints of Hannah playing with her food and my sisters getting irritated with her... The promise to send her home soon evaporated and i brought her back to the clinic... I informed her, and she seemed alright with it..

In the clinic, Agnes was suprised to see Hannah... then, there was makcik, and the Clerk, Hjh Ainah... Equally puzzled, i explained that Hannah is my niece... They were so chatty towards her.. and you all can imagine how she responded to the delight of the ladies... I had further patients in the afternoon, and the ladies kept Hannah busy with toys, cartoons and more toys... she is also a conversationalist... so she wasn't bored at all in the clinic.

As i was ready to leave the clinic early, for the second time this year, at 4:20pm, my INDIAN boss just walked up to the lift. I also walked out... At least i have a reason to leave early.. he leaves at about the same time almost everyday! and he comes late in the MORNS!!! What the deal with that?

Anyways... he always ruin my day!!! He was so unpleasant in the manner he asked questions and addresses you... I feel like smaking him in the head, the bafoon!!! He dared to smile at my niece... THANK GOD Hannah has more sense and hid her face!

I noticed that Hannah was tired in the car, so i asked her to have a lie at the back... all was quiet except for my radio... in one of the stops on the road due to traffic, i had a peek... she was fast alseep....

The day didn't turn out to be soo boring after all... everyone was entertained :) and i had a fair time with my patients :P Not so looking forward to Saturday... FULL DAY! :( Sigh... and no more picking Hannah up...

A slow day...

Today had been a slow day… Time moves as if it does not want to move… For anyone who knows me well, they know I always start a day with a smile… I rarely grumble about a brand new day even if there is something awful waiting to happen… I like to start a day with a smile, because it is full of opportunities… but today… I just knew something is going to happen… or was it because I didn’t get good sleep, waking every few hours looking at my watch!

I walked to the clinic hoping my patients would come as I was scheduled to have a full day, and I was also hoping they would cheer me up as they always do… but they all defaulted me… they did not come… That was in the morning, so I thought the afternoon would be different… but NO… no one came… Is this why I was feeling gloomy??? Did I sense it?

I could not waste myself in the clinic so I decided to do a bit of reshuffling of tables… I am not sure if the others would like it, but it is kind of different and gives of an empty open space in the middle… I’ll let you know what they think…

My day really had been really dry and boring… the only highlight being me picking up my niece-Hannah… Really… If I didn’t have her this lunch, I would and could have just broken down crying my heart out!!! Anyways,…

I went to school wanting to pick her up, but did not realize that she had moved class… he he he.. I was LOST! Luckily, a lot of the hospital staff send their children there and knows Hannah very well… they kind of shown me her room… that was embarrassing… but as I entered the room, and she saw me, and was given a huge smile and hug… my life kind of immediately brightens… the tears all stayed away!

We were stuck in traffic as we made our way home, but we had good conversation in the car. She really is a bright girl… She really knows how to cheer me up – with her invitation to play with her toys, then giving me a choice to watch a cartoon DVD with her, as well as eat with her… That is rare… She usually just looks away from me… Probably my face told millions of stories that even a mere child could read it…

In the car, she tried to cheer me up by tickling me… I really am not that ticklish, but if it is little hands… they kind of remind me of mice’s little feet and that usually gets to me… I had goose bumps… she tickled me while I was driving… I had to ask her to stop!!! She found it funny that I could not handle her tickling me… so she did it some more... ha ha ha… that was funny!

Any dull, boring, sad, hopeless day… give me my family… any age, any member, any time and any where… They can always cheer me up… *hugs*

What makes me happy....

When you are unhappy, you tend to think of all the negative thoughts and often, you try to transfer blame, or try to find blame. I often find there is no blame. Things just do not happen for a reason and you just have to believe that things happen outside your understanding for a bigger reason unknown to you now or forever, but there may be some good for you - May it be of a perception or other personal growth!

I often dwell in the big questions of WHY did it happen? Could I have prevented it? What happened? How did it happen? Is it my FAULT??? What did I DO? Often, when I do not have the answers or when it is blur-ish, I tend to get upset… And obviously when you are upset, your mind plays tricks on you, like bringing you flashbacks on how things were before, and how you have managed to destroy things again for the umpteenth time!!!

Well… Not this time, I told myself! This time, I will not be so destructive towards myself! This time I will try to be more positive and think happy thoughts… All problems have a solution and I am good at problem-solving! I have gone through a lot of life experiences to be able to cope with something as significant in my adult life! I CAN DO THIS….

As I was thinking of ways to cheer up from being “LOW”, I began to think of things that makes me happy and try to focus on that and imagine and visualize… without me realizing it… a smile crept up on me…

These are the things that makes me happy… Obviously the list is not exhaustive, but is just some of the things I immediately thought of in the car as I was driving!

• Smiling faces of my mum and dad
• Smiling faces of my sisters
• Smiling faces of my little cousins and niece
• Laughter of my family members
• Thoughts and visuals of being hugged
• Thoughts and visuals of being loved
• Thoughts and visuals of being wanted
• Thoughts and visuals of being accepted
• My childhood memories of having fun
• My patients saying “thank you”
• My patients saying “please”
• Having friends
• And more

Suddenly, I don’t feel so alone… I have people to give me support even if they don’t know that they are providing it… The thought of others in my life helps me to realize that I am not an individual standing alone… I am part of a collective of people I call my family! And most of the time, they are around to pull me through the hardest moments in my life without even them knowing it… I realized I have used this strategy before when I was a student far away from home… Thoughts of my family often is the driving force of me studying and staying in a foreign land without “friends” and “family” to nurture you…

What comes to mind now is this question: Why am I always unhappy? I obviously have issues, and I know this… but to get help and get them addressed? Probably not in Brunei! Why not, considering I am in the health profession and most probably know a lot of people I can ‘talk’ to… the answer is TRUST… I lack trust… SIMPLE!!!

But I do think by writing it down and letting it go from my chest is a healthy method to a certain degree… I just need to adapt a greater coping mechanism for whatever problem that will fly my way… and as other problems I have dealt with, will leave me almost scratch-free!

AND to leave you happy and smiling, I let you read a small section of a book I am currently reading called “Autobiography of a One-Year-Old” as told to Rohan Candappa. ISBN 0-553-58413-8, Page: 33-34

NURSERY CRIME TWO: WHEN THE WIND BLOWS

“Rock-a-bye Baby,
On the treetop.
When the wind blows
The cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks
The cradle will fall
Down will come baby, cradle and all.”

Point one: What on earth is the cradle doing in the tree in the first place? What kind of psycho parent is going to lovingly nestle a baby in a cradle, then climb up a tree with it and leave it there? And, note, not just anywhere in the tree, but right up on the treetop?

Point two: When the cradle is in the treetop, what starts happening? The wind starts blowing. You might think that even the cruelest parent would feel just a bit remorseful and climb back up the tree and rescue the baby. But no. Oh, no. Quite the opposite. The parent self-evidently just sits it out and waits for things to go from bad to badder.

How do I know this? Well, just examine what happens next. What happens next is that the bough breaks. Now, I know for a fact that a wind has to be pretty damn powerful to break a bough, especially a bough that is strong enough to have carried the weight of a cradle and a baby in the first place. So we are confronted by the nightmare scenario, “Down will come baby, cradle and all.”

And that my friends, is the end of the nursery rhyme. There is no mention of the parent rushing to the base of the tree in an effort to catch the plummeting baby. I mean, I don’t think I’d mind if the parent missed the catch, but not even to have tried is, in my book, an outrage.

But now here’s the really sick part of the whole deal. The nightmare tale of deliberate cruelty, staggering evil and trauma-inducing indifference to child welfare isn’t a searing indictment of the contemporary world designed to make us agitate for change and alert us to the dangers of inadequate child rearing in a society whose values have gone seriously awry. Oh, no. This nightmare is supposed to help us go to sleep.

I ask you, what kind of sick individual came up with that toss of the dice?

Dear friends,...

I am very sorry for all the waiting you have done... I have been busy and tired, as you can read from the several posts i have made today especially for you... On top of which, the modem, or the internet connection at home had been acting weird... for this, i deeply apologise...

I am well as you can read on... just getting more bitter, older and insane! *wink*

Please feel free to drop anything into the Tagboard, as Burt and Zul has done so well *smile* I will be reading it when i have the time to go to the internet cafe for the meantime...

Keep reading as life is full of suprises...

Any ideas for the blog is also appreciated :)

Lots of love,
Meela :)

PS: Wei Ping, if you are reading this... I am very very sorry to have missed you and the dinner... I have bought you a frame with our picture inside!!! I have been insanely busy that i am just so exhausted!!! *HUGS* I still have PLENTY of your stuff... You want me to post them??? Donate them??? I hope you are doing well at home :) *hugs* and sorry again... just drop a line or any email to my address :)

The Crown Prince's visit...

It is long time coming... finally, another Royal member of the Royal family has consented to visit RIPAS Hospital officially! There were BIG preparations... BIG, HUGE and lengthy meetings... Plans are all in the pipes...

I am not sure how others sees it.. but i get worked up over it!! Why is it everytime someone IMPORTANT wants to visit the place, then people start worrying how the place looks like... how things work and function... the ugly and hot spots... They look and they try to create a better image of the false truth!!!

The hospital is a VERY sad sad place... It needs SPACE... PARKING space, it needs space to expand, it needs work space, it needs MAJOR mantaince, it needs connections between the two buildings, it needs to be more disable friendly, it needs labels and it needs WORK!!! All of which, everyone knows has to be improved... but why does it has to be ONLY addressed when someone is coming... Anyone ever thought of re-locating? Ever thought of something to make "space" less of an issue...? If someone is NOT coming, does it mean they will let this place be a rut?

I can expand more in this mind frame, but i better not! I still need my job to feed myself and my mind...

Anyways... my clinic was not supposed to be in the list of clinics to be visited... but my HOD thought it would be good to include us, and so we became a part of the tour. A lot of men came to the clinic... saying this and that and a lot more of hot air... move this, move that, this is not appropriate...

We hid a lot of things that did not work... such as computers that are Y2K not compatible!!! Antique typewriter and computers that are no longer working!!! We were also made to shift our working TABLES to give SPACE, because its SMALL and Crowded (I wonder what gave the impression!!!) even books and small table and chairs for the waiting area was asked to be put away!!! Which part of the tour of the clinic gives you a "true" picture of the working clinic???

We were only given 5 minutes to explain the function and role of the clinic... let alone it takes an hour to brief A-level students and 2 hours to student nurses about what it is all about! We had booked interesting cases for the prince to see and had made short but concise information "verbal pack".

On the day it self, the prince was running a bit late for some reason... later, we were told he may just skip our clinic... sad we were after all the work we had poured into it... but the Prince, Bless his soul, was somehow attracted to the clinic and suprised his group by walking into the clinic... the explainations and short tour started...

He didn't walk into my room, but observed from the two way mirror we have... I am grateful as my boys were beautifully dressed and well behaved!!! They also showed some of the work they had carried over at home.. I am proud of my boys!!! Also... they get to be on TV... I am sure they are very proud of themselves!!!

My collegues sang the prince's praises... said he was insightful and was able to put things together.. he had an idea what the clinic was about, and asked good questions :) I am happy to know...

I, myself, did not catch what was shown on TV as i was away for the "perkampungan kapal belia" read below for more details... but i was told they were on it...

There are MORE work to be done to this place... and i hope, just because the visit has stopped, continuous work to make this place breathable and liveable will continue... Lets just hope... (I don't have faith in the men... but I'll try to be positive!)

Perkampungan Kapal Belia

It has been tricky, it has been slightly difficult but in the end, I managed to be one of those selected people to attend the final selection of participants for the youth ship. Naturally, I am excited as i hoped and planned to be on that ship and have loads of fun... I aimed it for this year as opposed to several years before because I feel I need and deserve this break!!!

The main reason to join was to travel *smile* to see people, to learn, to grow but all at a minimum fare... All you have to do is use a bit of brain and physical powers as well as switch on the charm. I felt it was too good an opportunity to refuse.

At camp, there were lots of people from 18-30 years old; boys and girls. We were strangers asked to "MINGGLE" together in a structured environment and form teamwork *smile* It had been an amazing experience!

I made history by "EXERCISING" of which i have not done since the past few years!!! I didn't break any bones but i did sweat a lot! It was tiring but being in a group kind of gives you that push to actually complete the task. PLUS, i wasn't LAST *wink* That is always nice *Smile* Some of the exercises were night jungle walk up the KILLER hills and through the jungle in the dark without light, jogging first thing in the morning and morning aerobics!!!

Does it stimulate/motivate me to exercise? I am not so sure!!! I know i can do it but I'm slower... it also grabbed my attention that my stamina is at its lowest... but at this moment in my life, Where i have never dexpected to be in... I am just so unhappy that i can't and will not exercise!!! Even if exercise gives you this happy hormones... it wont make a dent in my dilema.. it is really beyond me...

Anyways... i got to sleep in this smallest room... i am very lucky as the other room stank!!! I had to room with 3 other girls, including one of my sisters... it was good... I didn't have a problem sleeping... I sleep anywhere in who ever's company...

My group consists of 3 boys and a girl.. it was interesting :) and i got to know them a bit better... Nice people *smile fondly* I was very worried i get to be in the company of snobs... (THERE were a few!!!) I enjoyed my time there because you have to do something structured and it had been planned out for you... you just have to carry it out and enjoy!!!

The thing i enjoyed the most is public speaking... i told you i like talking :P so i did just that... I dont have a problem most of the time standing in a group of unknown people and just talk... as long as i know what i am talking about... If, the topic is unfamiliar to me... then you'll probably see me shaking!!! otherwise, i am in my element!!!

Towards the end of the last day were were together... The "BIG" man was supposed to give hints of whom may or may not be joining in this year... but all he said was he'll get in touch with us... he didn't want to create a scene!!! That is alright with most of the people there... I didn't mind... lets get our fingers crossed and hope for the best!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am not sure... but one has to try before one says "NO". I have learnt that so many times in my life span of an almost 28 year old. But I have this bad attitude to find faults/cracks in the early stages and try to break-free of being committed or furthering in what seems to be a good start to a relationship. In other words, I "SABOTAGE" my own relationship!

I wonder why I do this.. Is it because I am incapable of being in a relationship? DO i see "DOOM"? Is it part of hurt? Could it be drawn from experience? Not wanting to fall deep only to hurt? Unable to commit into a SERIOUS relationship? AFRAID?

All of them sounds like plausible answers to my own dilema - but knowing what it is, in my case, does not really help me from being disruptive. I try very hard to curb this instinct feeling but it takes a lot of energy but a technique i find useful is to ASK, KEEP CALM AND ASK...

For me, it helps to know what the other person is all about; his interest, likes and dislikes, opinions, friends etc. It helps me to formulate and think him of a "FRIEND" instead of a "X-FRIEND". The tricky bit in this is... MEN are generally not talkative creatures... I mean... I love to talk, i can talk about almost anything!!! If i don't know the topic, i listen and understand and try to express what i understand.. or i just ask more questions to get the conversation flowing, learning new things at the same time... its just me!

Despite general beliefs, I have never been in a serious relationship before... Sure there have been MEN of all walks... Sure there had been chemistry... Sure there had been interest.. BUT I always end it or change it prematurely. Acting indifferent is a very good strategy to turn-off men. Any of you out there who need help in repelling MEN, I'm your girl!!!

I get on famously with men whom i want friendship with... I am capable of forming long term friendship, even meaningful one... Those who lets me,... I form good friendship with their GFs and wife! So.... What is wrong with me????