age...

Today is my eldest sister's birthday... and she turned 30. Age is not a big thing... neither is birthdays to us... but somehow.. everytime we hit the big zeros... its such a big deal...

I remembered when i was about to turn 20 several years back.. I was far away from home and the only people i had were my flatmates and my bruneian friends... I was moaning, groaning and was very very upset to turn twenty...

To most it is not such a big deal... but to me... 20 was like the end of my childhood... the end of my teenage years... the end of being "stupid"... there are bigger responsibilities and greater expectations... me being upset was more towards the expectations, the growing up, the responsibilities as opposed to being "older"...

Turning 30, (a few more years for me!) is another milestone... i kind of understand why it will be haunting... difficult to accept... This time... 30 is like a reflection of what you have done with your life.. have you met expectations... have you achieved anything, have you made a difference, have you a "life" in the deepest sense?!

To have answer them in a way that is not really satisfying, not only to you, but to others as well, kind of brings your self worth a bit lower than it should be... it kills self esteem as well as self potrayal of yourself!

I do not look forward to being 30... Several reasons... I started work when i was 22... and 6 years later, I am in no better position than i was before... even sader, i have contemplated unimaginable things that a person normally wouldn't...

My life is a big blur... I have not achieved anything... other than heartaches, weight problems as well as major headaches...

If you have asked me at 22 or even 20, what i imagined my life would be at this age or nearing 30, the answer is nothing close to this!!! Being ambitious, I had always rise to challenges and is not shy of hardwork... I kind of look forward to them with reason... but... being ambitious in my current situation is really of no use... it kills your enthusiasm...

and like i said previously... having a kaling boss or bosses that does not bother to listen to you or to your ideas, and look down on you as if you are ants, bosses that makes you do their dirty laundry, bosses that takes your ideas with out giving any recognition, bosses that are not supportive or acts as if they are only to backstab you viciously from the back, bosses that claims to listen to you only to do something else.... THESE are things i never imagine that would happen to me...

I had hopes that people would be able to work together... for a better future... listen to each other as we are supposed to be good at "communication", use "psychology" as we only spend a BIG chunk of the semesters all those years understanding the human mind and behavious!!! and the ability to "LEARN" as that is the mission and vision of the ministry...

sadly... plans are plans... they are not always realised... I stopped making and planing my life... but I am reminded back to my religious school lesson, year 4, the prophet said, one without direction in life is LOST... and he is right... I am lost... How can you make plans when NOTHING is able to come true...

If you say its because lack of trying... well... you do not know how furiously i fight that i get into trouble more than i care to remember.... but what is the use... i resign... i work only to pay my loans... i work only to give my brain some activity... i work only because i have to... the passion had died... the enthusiasm had fled long time ago...

THIS IS NOTHING AS I IMAGINED MY LIFE TO BE... but then... this is life... i kind of regretted coming back to Brunei... no matter how much i love it... somehow i think i would have been much happier losing my pitch black hair to greys somewhere else in the world...