Who is Frank?

I only had two chats with Frank after 7 years of silence from both sides. And what this is, is an attempt to briefly summarise what "Frank" is , and what has changed. and so Frank, When you read this and find somethings unsuitable, please make a comments and set it right!

Let me first start and tell you all that Frank is Frank, and so, he may be called 'The' Frank, because he's the only Frank I know, and in turn the only one i have mentioned to all of you.

Frank, initially, was a stranger i met online some lonely christmas periods whilst a student in 1997. He was an operator in a chat room called 'Alamak' web based (and still working). As i was struggeling to get used to chatting and using symbols and shortforms in the chat room, i met Frank 'banned' who was nice enough to teach and occasionally answer questions.

So, from there on, it slowly blossomed. Soo from 1997-1999, we chatted almost on a daily basis. We chated about nothing serious most of the time... just wanting to chat about things.. or people sometimes. There were also periods of silence, for instance summer, when i went home and did not have internet acccess, or when i go on holidays during easter or mid-breaks.

But, Frank, being nice, and having ulterior motives at that time I wasn't aware of until recently, called me at different parts of the world. He used to call me several times whilst I was in Belgium at Bungu's. he also called me in Brunei when i started working - daddy picked up the phone! I was soooo scared! :P

Frank and I also have several friends in common, like Tag. He had kept in touch with them, unlike me... and it is very nice to know that i have made friends with all of them all these years and that we maintained to be friends... and i'd like it to happen til forever. They are nice people.

On to more personal details about Frank.

I am unsure of his full name. I don;t think i have asked this before. But he is Frank to me. He is danish, but he lives in Sweden with his children. (I didn't get the chance to ask if this is still the same) He is, currently, should have had enjoyed christmas with his family in Denmark, and with his Fiancee soon after.

Frank has 2 children, I have spoken to both of them. He has a daughter and a son. Both of them quite cute. I have seen them grow from these cute little things to this big things... teenagers.

And with that, he used to have a wife/partner. I have never asked which it is... It was kind of snooping at that time, i felt... but i'll ask when I'll see him online again.

Frank is recently engagged to this malaysian girl from Johor, Annie. She is a muslim, and hence, Frank is now learning to understand and find out what Islam is all about.

Our first two conversations was about conversion of faith... and many angry remarks and outbursts from me... any how... Frank was unmoved...

so... that is it... Frank in summary for all to enjoy... 'my' frank.

If you all have any questions, you can ask him. I'm sure he'll answer it as soon as he gets out of his 'holiday' season. If i know Frank, I know he is not able to be away from the internet for long ;) :P

I hope you like this brief summary Frank :) You're famous now :P

December...

December always means january is coming soon... and with that, it means, a new year is about to begin..

I had a rough year... not bad... just rough. It has been an emotional roller coaster, experiencing feelings i never thought i would have to go through again... but despite it, many good things happened to me this year as well...

Sometimes, when you count too much of your disappointments in life, you forget the little but frequent blessing you have! You also tend to forget how lucky you have been all these while, compared to another..

This december.. i have more things to be grateful for..

I was reunited with one of my oldest CHAT friend, dating back to my university life! And it all happened just a week ago. It happened just as both of us was online... and we started chatting as if the time and years have not passed us by... It was very nice to be able to chat to comeone just because... no expectationss.. no needs... not clingy... and its always friendly and CLEAN. His name is Frank.

Then, another friend from my recent past came back from his training. I had 'dinner' and a long chat with him last night. It is wonderful to have friends to chat with... and to catch up things with... The most wonderful thing is to be able to have normal conversation without the 'wierdness' of being away from each other after a while.

I also went on holiday, successfully with my parents... and managed to have a good time... It wasn't as bad as i expected it to be, but there were periods where i had to act as a peace keeper.. I hate it!

Decemember also means that i get to work half of the month. and it also signifies me being in Brunei for 7 years, 1 month, 10 days, 6 hours and 38 minutes, exactly as of now.

As a friend pointed out... i hope this good fortune, and sweet ride stays with the new year.

I would like to make several birthday wishes here...

A happy birthday goes to Wadi, who will be celebrating his birthday tomorrow...

and a special b'day greeting goes to my sister, baby, celebrating her bday on 31st December

and to all readers... happy new year... embrace time.. count your blessings...

back...

I am back ... however, can't blog... I promised to meet up with a friend...

The trip was interesting... plesant and not political.

What i learnt from this trip: BRUNEI IS CLEAN.

Do i want to do the trop again: Sure,... but i'll opt for better accomodations.

When is my next holiday: If all goes well, next year April-May.

Destination: Cambodia

Pictures?: YUP. about 500. will screen through them and post it on a different day...

do continue writing in the tag board... its quiet in my absence...

Christmas...

Yeah... Yeah... Its too early to celebrate christmas... I haven't lost it yet! ;) he he he....but I am afraid... I won't have the opportunity to greet people if i don't do it now....

Both of my parents and I, will be going on a holiday... just the 3 of us... somewhere around Sabah by car. and this expedition is the first i have embarked on since i was 13... and so... it is a bit exciting... BUT... DO pray we do not kill each other!! This holiday starts early SUNDAY morning, a few days away...

Due to this, I won't be blogging.. or unsure if i would be able to... I mean.. where can i get access? :P or would i be able to find time... or would i be too sick to write ;)

Anyways, pictures of things on the journey would be posted as soon as i figure things out... Just don't be too hopeful. I spin stories better :P (WISH: I always wanted a new camera, more powerful, faster shutter, wide screen, slim, light etc)

and because of this as well, i would be missing out on christmas as we would be making the journey back on that day..... and so... MERRY CHRISTMAS to all my christian readers and families out there...

Growing old... and PUBERPHONIA ;)

lets start the blog with what i wanted to write yesterday... but it lookes like it may be short and snappy... because i want to share some knowledge with you all about boys at puberty and speech therapy (me) and so... you won't think its funny when i mention it again..

It just dawned on me that i am turning 30 next year... and i am older... older than i anticipated... older than i expected myself to be... i have been lying to myself all these while... i always thought i am young... like mid 20s... i'm in my 20s... late 20s... always 20sss... now... i have to say i am 30... and i am SINGLE!!! Life is so not like i imagined it to be..

there is absolutely nothing wrong with turning 30... and i am for growing old gracefully.... but sigh... 30 is such a big number... i remembered i was so depressed turning 20... sigh... teen to 20s... sigh... I'm AGEING!!! and i have no significant achievement in life... my degree... my patients... my driving licence.. what else?

before, a friend and i made a pact... we were going to go around the world when we are 30 and still single... and so... i am 30 and still single... even if i am no longer 'friends' its a plan i was trying to achieve.. perhaps not the whole world... but... I am going to cambodia next year... perhaps i should go to vietnam and KL as well while i am there... and then... i would want to go indonesia as it is the only asean country i have not been to... and perhaps... LIN... i may go to germany... that is if i get to save up... but i want to go during winter.. i miss the cold and snow :) so... what do people do in their 30s? meditate???

I know what I want to be when i am much older... I want to be like this old couple i know... they were probably about 70s... and the husband was unwell... and i was sent to see him... and so... this wife of his stuck by him day and night, despite living in KB (admitted in RIPAS). the wife still looked at the husband adoringly... they still hold hands and chat... and they pray together! what more do you want??? What more do i want.... more than companionship...???

and so... that part has come to an end... and the second part of the blog is starting:

So.... When a boy hits a certain age... in ISLAM and in Bruneian culture, especially during the school holidays, boys approximately 7-9 years old undergo circumsition. This is the act of removing the foreskin from the phallus... and it is done in the hospital. You'll be suprised at the waiting list and the number of boys undergoing it every school holidays...

And, thank you to another blog reader, mewow, who also happens to be a boy himself, raised that it is also a time of growth and changes to them... boys started to show the growth of BRAIN CELL (some of them) - he he he (not clinically supported!) , the spurt of height, growth of hair all over and more... but the most obvious of hormonal and growth of boys is the change in voice... its cracks, high pitch, squeky and more..

Normally, this is just a period of development and soon, voice changes to be this deep, clearer quality resonance... and all is fine with the world... they boys are much happier and is no longer 'ashamed' or shy of their voice...

Unfortunately... not everyone undergoes this normal turn... SOME, unfortunately for them, retain their high pitch, squeky voice till over the normal stage... lets say.. boys tend to change their voice into that deep quality at early teens... but... these boys with problems... retain that voice quality even until late teens.... 18/19... some older...

and so... the consequences of such voice has a social and emotional impact... boys are mean... can you imagine what such a voice ( high pitch and squeky) would do to one's self-esteem??

and hence, boys with this voice; which happens to be a problem and called puberphonia, goes and see a speech and language therapist (ME) to help them with this voice quality. first, being seen by a ENT doctor!... and so... this is where the seriousness begins and my work starts... boys at puberty and me ;)

So do you all see it now? Lets not go into it clinically... but lets just say its challenging, emotional journey for both of us... and a great struggle to find the strength to change and adapt...

Growing old...

i wanted to blog... but perhaps i would do it tomorrow.. I mean elaborate... so for today, let me leave myself points, or else i would forget what to write...

1. getting older
2. plans at 30
3. plan when you have aged..
4. cute old couples.
5. what is expected of you at this age...

Tutong today...

was working in Tutong today. Had a full day. It started badly... I really should shift my 8 o'clock to 9 o'clock... like have fun first thing in the morn before going into something more stressful and frustrating! Anyways...

I had been referred this lady again.. The last time I saw her was in April this year. She was referred for a swallowing assessment and management. Since April, she had been admitted 6 time for the same complaints... and the funny thing is, she did not appeared to have any feeding problems whilst admited... and because of this feeding problem, she has lost more than 50% of her body weight.. She is literally bones and skin!! I was really scared for her...

What I did was, wrote a comprehensive report to the doctor, dietitian and the clinical sychologist. I even recommended for an alternative method of feeding her if she continues to lose weight... Reason why I refered her to the clinical psychologist is that i feel that she wants to be admitted... for attention... (BUT SHE DOES HAVE SWALLOWING PROBLEMS, BUT NOTHING THAT SHOULD STOP HER FROM EATING AND DRINKING NORMALLY WITH THE PROPER TECHNIQUES)

Some of us, especially the young ones, we try to go on a diet... we even stop eating and drinking properly... some even invent ridiculous ways of losing weight like no carbs, or protein or worst, just soup diet or liquid diets for prolonged periods... but they forget, when you reach a certain age, or when or if you suffer from something that causes you to have swallowing problems,... you really won't be able to eat what you like to... most of the people i have seen, are not able to eat simple foods we take for granted, like biscuits... or apples... because its too flakey and hard... so you see,.. while you can and is able to eat... and chew... and is healthy and is able to eat and drink well... I suggest we eat... and not starve ourself silly just because we feel the need to conform... wise up!!

on a lighter note, as i was waiting for me lunch date to appear and pick me up,.. i was sitting in the front porch of the hospital.. laid out with several chairs.. opposite me were two boys, assuming brothers because they have the same top... wearing kain sarong... they had just undergone the 'bersunat' procedure... (circumsition - its the act of removing the foreskin from the phallus. It is required under islamic laws on boys and girls too... hygiene reasons)

the older boy was calm and was waiting patiently for his ride... the younger boy was in tears... I am assuming from pain.... and the cries got louder as a man (someone they know) approached them...

I smiled... as i looked at them both... they are just few of the many that are undergoing this procedure during this school holiday.... ;)

the kids in my office...

Drama...

Yesterday, I had a staff meeting in RIPAS in the afternoon. I thought I'd be clever and stay in bandar in the morning as well (after getting permission), so i carefully packed everything into bags. Remember, I have the drill in the morning, and meeting in the afternoon, meeting on saturday and tutong on Monday, hence... i had more bags than when i go on holidays and it wasn't much of a suprise when i left one in Kuala Belait... Hence, I had to drive to kuala belait to get the bag for the meeting.

To let time passes me by, I took both the kids, Azra and Hannah for a ride. They were excited. It helped to tell them i have pencils, colour pencils and paper as well as toys waiting for them in Kuala Belait ;)

IT was an eventful drive. The kids didn't get on my nerves :) they were actually quite good. When we arrived in the clinic, they were an immediate hit. They played nice. They drew me drawings, wrote on the white board, played with they toys and had a tea party... with wooden stick toys... They let me do work most of the time!

We had a HUGE lunch.. the kids worked themselves an appetite... we had lunch at KFC and takeaways from Sugarbun. On top of that, we had drinks and 'keropok' snacks for the trip back.

The trip back was quiet. they were still hyper from the trip, and so i used the trick my dad used to use on us to SHUT US UP!... the fire in Seria and Lumut... the natural gas burners... well.. i told them giants live in the area and they have to be quiet and behave themselves... and so, they slept themselves to a nice silence...

then, just this morning, we started on the workings of OUR own home, far from the hustle and bustle of the nearby towns... We watched a movie last night; THE HOLIDAY (A must see - i love it! I miss UK!) and it ended at 1 pm. It was also raining heavily... so we drove slowly... then... we had to wake up at 3 plus for the house thingy... I thought I would stay awake, but the next thing i knew... my sister was pushing me and it was 4..

Things went smooth... and i hav pictures of yesterday and today... I'll post pictures soon... Sigh... TUTONG tomorrow; but one thing good about tomorrow, is I am having lunch with Baharin :)

Busy day...

I have been informed, last week, that there is going to be a disaster drill exercise organised by BSP, involving Suri Seri begawan Hospital. The Clinical Support staffs are to mann the Information Center, and for this exercise, it would be located in the surgical ward.

Since the head of the clinical support in SSBH is onleave, to sit for her exam, she has been replaced by our Medical Social Worker. And, she has organised the team into different work/groups. I was in-charge of announcing to the public about the exercise (NO ONE VOLUNTEERED FOR THIS TASK) and also the jotter of info on the great big whiteboard in the the central info center!

We were also informed that this was to be carried out in the morning, this week, on any one day from MOnday to Thursday. Since the last three days had been quiet, we all assume it would be today! Everybody was prepared. We (THe clinical support staff) also had the opportunity to run through our plan, and had a look around the hospital to confirm our roles through out the hospital yesterday afternoon. Thank GOD we did that, because apparently a lot of things are different! and changing! we had to further split ourselves to accomodate everything!

On top of being an information center, we were told that it would also be the place where families would go to, to ask for their loved ones. Occasionally, while waiting for their loved ones to be located, we have to "look" after them... which may include some compasion and psychology and counselling skills.

So, here we were.. ready for things to proceed... and our watches showed 10 am... and still no sign... and hence, we assume the drill was over... then we were informed that BSP has a real FIRE break... he he he... we all went back to our dept to resume work.. half an hour later.. the drill continued... we started late... oh boy... its going to be a long day!

so first, i had to do the announcement... may i add, i did a great job :) the staffs loved my voice... ;) plus it was clear and concise... ;) he he he... 1 point for me...

then... we had our patients... the patients were slow to pour into our accident and emergency... we waited long... and when they arrived.,,, information as not easily attained... our 'people' at the A&E could not get proper info. they kept being given info like player 1, player 2, Dummy 11... BUT familys kept on asking for "amir" or "Joseph"... Its FRUSTRATING!

And then, the hospital staffs failed to get details of the patients.. like NAME, AGE, IC, Address, Contact number and more... its really annoying, since they SHOULD have done it anyways with ANY patients... its PROCEDURE!!!!!

But these are the problems... We managed to get 6 patients from 10:30pm till 1:30 pm. We even managed to keep track of them through out the hospital - which is an achievement. The "actresses" waiting for thier husbands to turn up were good... and one particular lady really gave us a hard time. Since she was unconsolable... I had to invite her to sit... hold her hand and shoulders... and tried to be sympathetic and understanding at the same time reassuring, There were one brief moment where i smiled because i knew i was doing good, she saw, and complained... all my efforts down the drain :P At the end of the drill, she came looking for me specifically... saying i have done great... he he he... another point for me...

But overall... it had been a good exercise... There are obvious areas for improvements, but we know better next time. Considering this is my first drill in BRUNEI DARUSSALAM, I have done BRILLIANTLY!

I rushed to Bandar Seri Begawan soon after the drill is over, as i have a meeting at 2, at Unit Pendidikan Khas (Special Education Unit). I did not want to miss this meeting as i have to represent patients in both Tutong and KB! It would a shame to miss them... They would have no voice... andi have a lot of questions about things they are doing... and support teachers/school is giving my patients particularly!

I have to say i was quite forceful with my ideas... I was clear with my needs and things that are lacking with support in school... I don't think they like it very much.... but such problems need to be addressed...

overall... both the morning and afternoon sessions went well... i have achieved much today :) and felt happy with what i have done... busy busy day :) but very fulfilling.... I felt I have accomplished a lot... I have not felt so vibrant in a long while...

'LOCKED IN' State

Today, I was re-referred a patient in the male medical ward. Previously, like a few days ago, he was sent to ICU - he started choking, unresponsive and his state was just deteriorating and hence was warrented to be moved for emergency procedures in ICU. While he was there, he was referred to me... I obviously rejected the referral as he was unresponsive and advised the doctors to re-refer when he is much better.

Today, mid-morning, the male medical ward called me up. He has been re-referred for a swallowing assessment. I asked the nurse who called if the patient is alert or drowsy... He was unable to answered and shifted the call to someone else. I suspect its a doctor, but he has never identified himself.

Anyways, I re-assured the man that I would visit the patient before the end of the day. I almost forgotten,but i went anyways, whilst all others went home.

Before assessing the patient, I took his medical file and started reading. BOY OH BOY.... I read 'LOCKED IN'... "BLINKING"... "YES AND NO"... COMMUNICATING.... my heart raced... Do you know what this means?

This was a normal man... had a stroke which resulted in him having physical impairments but able to communicate.... then he had an episode in the wards... sent off to ICU... got better and transfered back to the normal medical ward... and now... he is unable to say anything but able to understand... he is communicating to us using his eyes to say 'YES' and "NO'.... hence... he is a man... LOCKED inside himsef... I was excited...

Sadly, he was in a poor state... so I have to give him a few more days to recover before he is safe for a swallowing assessment and reliable communication skills assessments .. Shall i keep you all updated with his?

LOCKED IN people... do you understand this?? Sigh... I think this may be my first case in Brunei... LOCKED IN... how exciting!!!

"SOME OF THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FOR FREE"

1. Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

2. Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

3. Who wi! ll stay awake just to watch you sleep.

4. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

5. Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

6. Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

7. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares abo! ut you and how lucky he is to have you.

8. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."


From an email someone sent me...

pictures of some kids

I tried to post more pictures of Azra, Marsya and hannah but inda mau rotate nicely,... its so frustrating using apple ani.. skajap mau..skjap inda mau... sigh.. but i hope you enjoy them!

local vs abroad education... Staying Vs Moving... thinking aloud...

I was talking to a friend on MSN briefly when she asked me if i had been invited to an old high school friend's wedding. I informed her that i had known about it from my sister whom went to the local university with her and is a fellow teacher, but I wasn't invited... and I am not keen on wedding ceremonies anyways.. Plus I am in KB so i have many excuses..

But for this friend, they were good friends in high school... I seem to remember they were everywhere together... sat together... learnt together... occasionally eat togehter in the school canteen...

She felt sadden to be left out, and i know just the feeling... and hence advised her not to think too much into it... I have been through a lot of this experiences to learn that we should not think about such little things in to much detail.. Its depressing..

I studied away from home... where as most of my high school friends studied locally.. hence their bond only get stronger and stronger through the same experiences they share together... plus they have the comforts of numerous friends in their vicinity... For me... though some considered me lucky to have gained scholarship from the government not a lot of people have, one true disadvantage is the lost of friendships...

I mean, a lot of us do not feel it necessary to keep in touch with each other.. even writing slow mail is painful to most. At that time, internet was such a new thing.. not everyone has an email or acccess to internet... hence, that was not a means of communication...

When I was there, i only have a handful of local friends... and its not always easy to make friends with new people hence friends with the 'orang putih' were countable as well... (I meant REAL friends)... Where as, people who studied locally, they keep their relationships stronger... and know a lot of people since there is only one local university where everyone goes...

When I came back during summer or back for good, i realised that my friendship with my high school friends have been severed through distance, time and different experiences we all go through. The same goes to friends that are in the same distant country i was studying in... funny thing is I always felt that i have never been accepted and embraced... Its as if, i am a different breed, just because i studied out of the country,.. or that i do not seem to understand or grasp how the 'group' would like me to act in different social dos...

It was difficult to try and understand their conversation... or even try to know everyone in their social book as I do not know anyone... Try as i did, i still felt left behind...

Slowly and eventually, we lost touch... do not speak to each other... and forget about each other... Each are busy with each's life and work commitment and families,... its like we do not have time for each other... It saddens me... I really felt left out... for many years, the only friends i have are my work friends... and i can't talk to them about work! so i turn to my family... and family occasionally do not understand... so i learn to keep things to myself, and depend on myself, and brainstorm on my own, until recently, a few of my uni friends kept in touch... occasionally... life was so sad that i even email my lecturers sometimes for advice...

Life for me was really at a low... and then... one by one of my friends seems to be getting hitched... and i never seem to be invited or informed... and it was then... along with work problems, i hit an all time LOW...

But once you reach your bottom low, there is no where but to go up... and here I am... through invisible relationships with several, though not often but encouraging friends, family members as well as my Uni friends and flatmates... blogging helps..

I often thought, if i get such a bad treatment in my birth land, why bother staying... I have often though of going back 'home' - city where i studied.... but Home is home... and it can never change... Yes, things sucks much here... but it is home.. and most importantly, this is where my family is... not to mention my back loan!

so yes, even through harship, this is where i would be staying for a while... until....

my first social do...

Its the end of my 3 month in Kuala Belait... and i have recieved many social invitations... but due to other commitments, i was unable to attend all of them... but, I made my first appearance tonight. One of the muslim doctor (Haji Ansahari) celebrated his daughter's marriage in Brunei... and all the hospital staff were invited.. plus indian doctors from Bandar... as well as administrators going to the Ministry level...

We were served indian food and it was delicious - buffet style... and its safe to say.. melayu will be melayu, no matter where we are... berabut kan makan...

the wedding reception was held in KB, BSRC or something... anyways... i took some picturess... so enjoy...



The bride and groom


Label of the club


The bush in the shape of a bunny

some pictures of kapal belia..

more ppictures on a later date...

Trip to the dentist!

There are several things i hate in life, and one of them is visiting the dentist. I have this vivid memory of a child ushered to the dentist's room to pull my teeth! I wasn't sure what was wrong with it, but, yup, it was pulled out.

I distinctively remember i was giving everyone a hard time. Who blame me, I was SACRED! (May i add, i must have been 4 or less) I was kicking and screaming. The doctor (Male) had to pull me down into the dentist chair! and the assistant had to extract my teeth out, while my mum was at the side watching it happen. (She just got back from UK)

Since then, i only go to see them if I have to, like when i was in Primary six (1988), i had one teeth extracted - decay. Again, when i got my scholarship (1996), in 2000 i had a medical check up, and then in 2003 my monthly paid check up, last year when Jackie graciously offered the family a check up, and few months ago when my teeth were sensitive to chew food on.

Since the last time, I was given an appointment, and it happened to be today. I was to have my last molar on the upper left side specifically cleaned and filled permanently (I was to have a filling!). (I had to call jackie for this word - mental block!)

The doctor happens to be a nice man... I was really scared... Of course, I pretended not to be and brought along a funny book to de-stress me, breathe heavily and such, but we both know that i was stressed in the chair, and was very tense. I also forgotten to breathe until he told me to! which was embarrassing since he knew that i was staff!

Anyways, he told me long ago that i needed a filling and since it was sensitive, i might need a little 'injection' to make it numb and less painful. I didn't think much after the temporary filling - so i went along...

As i was waiting for my turn, i didn't think much as well... it was only when he brought and talked as he almost did the procedure, and i saw the metal injection near my face, i panicked...

i struggled in my seat, attempted to sit up, jiggled and moved... catch my breath and then slip back into the chair... as if nothing happened... this time, with my eyes closed... not totally... both the dentist and his assistant was shocked to see what i did... i gave them a 'harsh' laugh... OH MY GOD! I really can crawl under my bed now from embarrassment!

The injection didn't hurt... he was really gentle... that was very nice... and no matter how hard he push or dig, it didn't hurt... so i was quite happy... then... as i lying in the chair, I saw my reflection on the dentist's plastic face protector!

and guess what i did... yup! I started at it... it was only when he stopped briefly that i realised that i was staring into his eyes! Ha ha ha.... I looked away!!!

ha ha ha... Maybe i should stick to family dentist only!! And this time, i shall try to make it a point to see them twice a year! i shall put it in my diary!

that is my dentist trip- i have to say i was very brave... the last time i went to see a dentist, to make a mould for an EPG equipment, i was pushed and pulled into the dentist's room! ha ha ha... and was sweating like a pig!

and so... family members, come forward with your horror stories and experiences while in the dentist's chair!

TESTING...

If you like this style of presenting pictures, please leave comments!

New picture upload...

single-dom!

I attended this free course organized by the mental health unit of RIPAS – its main topic is Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). And the invited speaker is Dr. Aili from Malaysia whom also happens to be an associate professor in one of the leading Universities in Malaysia…

Anyways… We were about to talk about children and families with ADHD when the opening speech given by the head of the organizing team asked the public to show hands – singles, raise your hands. I didn’t of course, thinking they would want us singles to do something the married ones refused to do… HOW TYPICAL! And I wasn’t surprised when a lot of us didn’t raise hands… anyways… He said… “for those of you who are single, don’t get married. And to those, whom have made the mistake of marrying, don’t have kids!”

A lot of us laughed… but I kept thinking on the above statement… Truths are every where… and some truth is present in this vague sentence.

A lot of us get married because we are “IN LOVE”, and as result of that, we bear children – but MOST of us are unprepared financially, mentally, socially, physically, emotionally to have kids, but it doesn’t stop us! BUT married people often give a lot of thought about what car to buy, or where to build their personal haven but not kids. To them, having kids is just NORMAL PROGRESSION, a milestone to achieve… And yet, the singlesss think of the above more, and probably made the right move for themselves by not getting married or having kids because they know they may be unable to provide wholly to the child..

Yet, it is always the singlesss that get attacked! Like they are immature enough for an adult relationship, or unable to keep or find a partner and more… its time we look at the mentality of the married ones… are they mature enough to BE married and LEGAL in the full sense to have and raise KIDS?

new picture update

Below are pictures of Aunty Nor and Azra. These were taken the same night Bungsu had her open house. I picked them up on the way there. More family pictures for all to enjoy...

and, feel free to comment. I thought, the picture of Azra alone reminded me of Baby, my youngest sister when she was of younger of similar age. What do you all think?

Update...

I hope people are much happier now that some pictures of the family is up on the blog.
Though, I was too lazy, not to mention sleepy to make comments for each picture.

During my absence from writing in the blog, lots of little things come across my mind to blog. But somehow, after a few days of not writing down the creative juice, it dried up… and now I am left to wonder and thinking hard what it was I was excited to write about… and the harder I try to write, the drier my thoughts become…

So instead to disappoint you all, I shall do something I usually do not do, UPDATE rather than write about something!

So what had happened? I want to write down all the juicy stuff, but since, this is a public blog, I do not want undesired ‘readers’ to know more than they should… so interested people should really email or call, if you think there is a point that feels or needs elaboration. So here goes:

1. I have moved to Kuala Belait and have been living with my uncle; Selina’s dad. Initially I thought it was an arrangement that would get bad, but I was overtly pessimistic. The living condition is CALM, though the interior design can do better, but I will not complaint! I also have the comforts of my own room, my own toilet, my own kitchen, espeed newly installed and TV to myself most of the time!

2. I am looking after 2 clinics, namely one in Kuala Belait and one in Tutong. Its difficult to be working on your own, in the sense that you have to be everything. All the work has to be done by yourself, from writing minutes, to photocopying and arranging transport matters. It would be nice to have a hand in some matters, but this is yet to come following a discussion. However, how long I have to wait is a game we all play…

3. Fasting month came and went like a breeze. It was nice to have shorter working time. I was cooking almost everyday except when I was around the comforts of my own home, where someone else is cooking! Or eating out! I even managed to get my uncle, the fussy eater, to eat some of the suff that I was cooking  and amazingly enough, he eats them… it’s a compliment really. Now that fasting month is over, I shall try again… maybe it won’t work!

4. I have lost some weight... not much… but am trying to keep it up. I am not quite sure what contributes to this, but it has to be the housework, and most importantly, being lonely! And eating alone. I lost weight the first year of Uni as well, because I wasn’t in the mood to eat by myself, or eat my own cooking!

5. Family day. As suggested by Wina, one of the cousins, we had our family day out. We went to Red Canapy, Batu Bersurat. I have only been there twice with one same person, so it was nice to add memories to a nice place. We were using the internet. Fooling around and more. The second family outing was eating ambuyat as sungkai at Aminah Arief, Kiulap. The next family outing is to be scheduled, as a lot of us are busy with our own plans during this festive month. More updates on that…

6. Kak Neza hurt her ‘bum’ during puasa, making her teary even to sit down. But with nenek’s magic hands, the pain subsided… however, hearing a heavily pregnant woman howling in pain is not a nice memory to keep!

7. Bungsu’s hari raya party is this weekend… so you all will know more about that part of the story much later… I hinted that I may avoid the place, since it would be crowded with people whom are virus carrier, and myself just recovering from it,… I was reprimanded! Ha ha ha ha…

8. I was invited by a patient of mine to his house for hari raya personally. The parents had to call me several times to confirm this… I finally consented last night… I was a model in the house… pictures every few seconds… and food was nice… mum is an excellent cook  I tried to bring my uncle to the open house, but was rejected..

9. Kak Nana and Aunty Nor went to Sabarin’s open house… *wink* Anyone interested to know what daddy said to me?

10. I, somehow, managed to hurt my hand. The orthopaedics said I have golfer’s elbows. The Physiotherapist said I had acute soft tissue damage… and John said my hands bengkak-muscle stress… I am on strong pain killer which I stopped myself as it was giving me severe gastric pain +++. I still go to see the physiotherapist to continue with treatment… and I also go to see John as I trust him to be my miracle angle – he fixed my hand 3 years ago, when I had the same complaint!

11. I have been driving up and down from KB-BSB on a daily basis for 3 weeks now. I stopped this activity. Initially daddy is with me… he drives me… but occasionally, I drive on my own! Driving seems to make my hands worst! I can’t even stitch now… Its not painful, but its uncomfortable and feels stiff! Not to mention, painful to the briefest of touch!

12. I have not been to the movies, but I have been watching KOREAN DRAMS courtesy of Kak Meng2, resulting in sleepless nights and puffy, swollen eyes to work!

13. The Youth Ship is here to come,… and Mummy Rose is the new National Leader. She recently updated me and is in Indonesia… Next stop would be Malaysia, then Brunei and Philippines and Japan.

14. I am going to look after 2 youths, one Malaysian and the other Japanese… both girls.

15. There is going to be a party on board the ship, and its theme is Masquerade or the 70’s. This is on the 21st Nov, and I have asked BURT to help me baby sit the youths while I party for a few hours! And will join them soon after. Anyone have any idea what we should do during the time the youths are here? Please let me know…

16. The promised budget for my clinic (paper work done since June 2006) has not been approved yet! I am fed up! If I can QUIT! I would really… what a way to work!

Hmmm… it went on longer that I anticipated… so, okay… I shall stop here… and will try to keep updating the blog… but the thing is… if you live alone, with no one to talk to… and only do your work and work research and sometimes have no time to even read, the only thing I can blog about is WORK… so give me some ideas on what to write.

I can write about ‘some’ things but its too political… and one really have to watch one’s back… its not like we are democratic or have the freedom of speech/say…

Funny Picture of Aunty Nor



Kak Nana posing for the camera

This is Kak Meng-meng trying to look ayu :)

This ia a picture of the the sisters and some aunts. Others were unable to attend ...

Dear family...

That is how an email started.. and it was aimed to most of my dad’s family and some of my mom’s family, including my aunts, uncles, cousins and in-laws… second cousins were included… even close friends… Initially, it started innocently.. as one person’s way of sending a block email to all, a mean of saving time… and everyone kept on hitting the reply all button and adding news of their own, and suddenly, we helped build a closer, healthier family relationship…

Suddenly, we started to talk to each other, listening to each other across the seas, separated from each other, but still… waiting everyday for that link of an email, that joins us together as family, share everything as family, discuss things openly as family and faces consequences of life as a stronger family unit. There are some people in my family that I am not close with (and not so proud of it) but suddenly, with this email, started to exchange words, sentences even thoughts… then… the natural encouragement!

Following the email, we have moved another step forward,… we created a family night… and have agreed for it to be on a Saturday night. It would be somewhere nice, but away from crowds so we all can share news, or even just type away at your boring column for your personal blog. Today was our second family get together – and it was a smash!!!

Who ever noticed that blood is thicker than water is not exaggerating. Though we do not seem to notice it, but in times of trouble, despite your personal dislike, we all tend to stick together through thick and thin… and I feel that we as a family unit have been through a lot!

The more I spend more time together with my own family, the more I realise that there are quite a few amazing people in it. They are able to stand up to people and say, “Mind your own business”, “I can survive”, “I can be independent”, “I can be as successful as you!” and more… Challenges are always faced head on… No use shying away from them as they are to come your way sooner than never…

Being in a family, I realised, is to accept the other individual with their flaws in your face, trying to make them a better person, and learning to let go and hoping that they grow to have sensible head on their shoulders. Being in a family also means encouraging them to excel, supporting them through hard times, as well giving them a hard slap across (not literally) to wake them up to smell the roses..

As we were discussing with Madam Checek and others, the root of my inability to find a mate is my inability to go a step further, my inability to accept wholeheartedly.. ?fear and always wanting approval from my parents! Its weird… its strange… but somehow, it is true… I have a lot of emotional issues that needs resolving… that needs addressing… I also know what this inability is and how it got there… but that is too personal…

My move across Brunei have been deemed to be a good, positive move.. and I am glad. But, that nagging feeling that someone is on your back constantly have been addressed.

Talking to the others about what the others had done and said, in the past, recently or predicting the future, it all colours your life more beautifully… absence of someone from the crowd is often felt.. like a void unable to just filled… unsatisfied…

A lot of us have this tendency to talk to other people, our adopted families, friends… people whom we personally chosen to be our family to disclose our frustrations, unhappiness and more… but, they can double cross you… and they turn their backs on you… but families won’t…

Keeping in touch is cheaper and easier now… so I do hope our dear family emails continues as we build our relationship from strength to strength. Its actually a pleasure to have known you and met you.

bits of this and that update!

The Mac Book is something new to me… few are surprised with the decision made to change to apple. Its not something planned, but now that I have it, one really has to learn to utilise it. I haven’t been playing with it much, but I am doing something else, reading the manual – learning more about this piece of sophisticated machinary.

I am home now, and trying to find out if my uncle’s place can detect wireless connection from the nearby shops and school. But alas to no avail! I’ll just have to go to the shops every other day for free connection or go to the shops for a dollar per day for limitless access! ;) choices, choices, choices…

It soon Hari Raya, or Eid, and the people in the hospital (KB) are busy decorating the clinics. They are not as fancy and competitive as they are in Bandar Seri Begawan. And most of the decorations are modest and laidback. My contribution to this festive season is a huge colourful ketupat on my office door, and some shiney flashy hanging bit from my door.

The outer clinic (ORL) is a bit flashier. I helped. They have lettering from foams, shiluottes of mosques covered with shiney gold and green wrappings, paper rings, fans, and turning paper stuff! Maybe I’ll get my camera out and let you all see for yourself.

My patients have not greeted me with “Selamat Hari Raya” hugs/kisses. Or even cards. Even my old patients have forgotten all about me…. :( sob sob sob…

Moving on… I recently complained of bluring vision when reading and am definitely making more mistakes stitching. So I went to a private eye shop and screened my eye. I was not goven any information, but was suggested to get glasses. Since I had bad experiences from eye glasses (On and OFF with the glasses) I decided to get a cheap one, and that was clever of me. Just after I got the glasses, I put them on, and my vision is worse with it than without it! So I decided to see a real professional.

I went to see an Optemetrist in KB. He took some details from me, and asked how old my glasses were. And he did some tests, similar to the ones from the shop, but he went a bit further. He explained things to me. Get this… my eyes are NORMAL, and I do not need glasses. Well,… I do not need them now, but I may need them in my 40’s, so he suggested that I go on a yearly eye check up and that is what I will do. What am I to do with the new frame? Donate them? Keep them?

Back to this hari raya mood, I was listening to Kristal as usual… and they have started to play the Kristal idols of the DJs singing! OH MY GOD! WHY WHY WHY? Why even attempt? Some of them are HORRIBLE … he he he… not that I have a good singing voice, but I do know to keep them singing voice in the bathroom or car when I am alone! It gives me the cringe factor listening to them… but 100% marks given for willingness to make a fool of oneself!

I am trying to mix all news-worthy materials in a blog… seeing that the past few entries were a tad heavy for most! But this will have to do for now… I probably would run out of idea if I write everything in an entry :P so until then, keep blogging in..

I have got myself, with the help of my sister, a laptop. However, I have to LEARN to use it. I have no experience using this type of machine. And before you ask, yes.... its showey as said by one of my other sister, but a good buy by another sister, YES... I have gotten myself a MacBook.

As I have no experience using an apple... and i really do not know how to even operate word or MSN on this thing... it will take longer than anticipated to really fully utilise this challenging machine. and i SWEAR, I will try to take classes to sort this thing out! :P

But at least, I have figured out how to use the internet, and hence been able to blog this, take pictures using it, as well as... I have also been an active participator with the family emails, of which I may blog about another time... But until i really know how to master this new gadget... it'll still the be slow, and sporadic entry.... but people... do feed the brain as to what to write... its been really slow and lonely in KB :P

I'll try to post some pictures if this thing allows it.... of well... talk to you all soon....

special people

This is my life… working with special people. Often, they are better than ‘normal’ individuals. And though working with them may be tiring, frustrating, annoying and is a main factor in my ailing mental and emotional health, they often give me something no one had ever given me before… the reward of growth, awe, discovery and understanding.

I have worked with children and adults with multiple speech and language disabilities, not mentioning intellectual disabilities on top of poor cognitive skills. But helping them make sense and understand or even get them to tell you their name or identify an apple individually and spontaneously even after 2 years of treatment (YAY! An ACHIEVEMENT) is a lot of hard work and tears! Not everyone is able to accomplish this first milestone.

Often, parents feel helpless. They feel that they are to blame for their child’s failure to learn and reach normal developmental speech and language milestones. This is not ALWAYS the case. There are cases where I SCOLDED parents for not doing their part in educating their child, but a lot of us DO try our best, but it is just not enough. Sometimes, it is always a matter of understanding limitations and strengths of an individual. All parents and carers want their child to TALK, but what is wrong with using sign language? What is wrong with inability to spell but able to talk fluently? We need to re-focus our child’s strengths.

Parents sometimes want their child to achieve something THEY want the child to be able to do, like play football. But if the child does not have the ability or passion to play ball, no matter how much training you give, he and yourself will not be happy. THIS IS SO SIMPLE. Yet, a lot of us do this; IMPOSE our dreams on our child! WHY? The same for special people. Do not visualize them to be something they are not or unable to be and in the process add unnecessary stress on them!

They have feelings too and they know that they are different. It doesn’t help if society (US) and their peers are unable to accept them as they are. I have patients coming to see me and tell me that they are STUPID! WHY? WHY? WHY? They are not stupid,… they are different. I just finished a session with a child. I asked her to repeat after me… “I am special” several time… and later she said… “Are you sure? My friends said I am STUPID!”. POOR understanding of people’s weakness makes you an ignorant !@#$%.

Put yourself in a parent with a child with special learning needs shoes. Imagine going through a day, just a day, they go through. The waking up, sleepless nights, picky with food, the inability to understand your child’s speech but the need to teach and reach out and the WANT to communicate with your child, bathing, shopping, playing and more… I don’t think anyone can re-live the pain these brave parents go through… Only God is all knowing of their pain and struggle to just get through the day.

Then, imagine you are in the child with special needs shoes. You want to say something, you want something but no one understands you. All your movements are controlled. Why is it that I cannot run in a shop? Why can’t I eat ONLY the things I want to eat? Imagine the frustrations of these individuals when they are unable to read, and write or spell. And imagine being called names in school not just by friends, but by teachers and family as well. The feeling of being such an unworthy individual… “WHY DO I EVEN LIVE?” they may ask themselves… and I ask this of the people who are inhumane!

If you really have empathy for these people with special needs, you would try to at least understand what it is like to be in their shoes in the strange world where everyone is so unfriendly and loses patience with you! You could even stop teaching your OWN child to fear special individuals and put stigma onto them. Instead, you would want to help them, volunteer and most importantly give to your charities. Not a lot of us are charitable. Not just in the sense of finance, but in understanding, accepting, involving these people as part of our society. They are after all BRUNEIAN too. Yet, they have poor educational and support in school and society.

What are we to do? Do you think it will never happen to you? Think again!

Make a difference - lets start with understanding and the right attitude.

Broken families

Its strange when I think about it… I am sure we have some of these around, but why is it such a taboo for people to acknowledge it happens in Brunei? Do we have such a social rule that defames us should we have or come from a broken family?

I always knew this exists, as I experience it… enough said… but I learnt more about it and how to cope or how not to cope mostly from TV programs that I watched as a kid and as a growing individual. It was also then that I know someone out there knows what I feel like. Someone out there has similar experiences as I. As a university student learning counselling, and having met one myself, I know I think and fear this most… the rejection as it has never been addressed or worst, acknowledged having!!

Looking around, and knowing from chats I have with friends and even encounters and interviews with patients I see everyday, I know it is happening, and feel it on the rise. I am unsure statistically wise, but I am sure there was an article written in the national newspaper sometime this year regarding the rise of divorces, hence, one of the sources of broken families in Brunei Darussalam.

People often have this vision and idea that when an individual comes from a divorced family, they are considered broken. However, if two parents are living together and not talking or even fighting all the time, this is still considered a WHOLE family. On the other hand, siblings that do not see eye-to-eye on most matters and ended up having cold sibling WAR is still considered a WHOLE family. Do you see the wrong in this?

People are very afraid to admit that they come from a broken family in spite of the outlook of togetherness. They want people to know and believe that they are together as a unit. Aren’t they lying to themselves? Isn’t that hurting them inside? It’s hard to be cheery when you are sad, worse to believe you have a smashing family when you don’t! That must have negative psychological impact on any one!

Some of the older generations believe that if you come from a broken family, you probably would grow up to be scum of society or end up being a cripple and have to depend on the government due to drugs, alcohol, or social problems that leads you to undesired behaviours. Don’t you see that this happens despite if one comes from a FAMILY or broken unit? Why the unexplainable or even unfathomable conclusion or derivative?

Why should all scum come from broken families? Or even drug addicts? Why should individuals from broken families be underachievers? I STRONG DISBELIEVE this. I, however, believe that emotional and mental scaring from living in a broken family and not having the proper support or even acknowledgement to grief your loss has a greater impact on an individual!

There are many causes of broken families… and someone brilliant out there, I am sure have categorised them into neat study or research areas.

It is even sadder to acknowledge that our well being is not looked after. Yes sure, we have lots of free stuff… and education and food are often subsidized…. But what of our mental and emotional well-being? This is often neglected and if anything happens, people often do not own up, instead they like to point fingers. Take responsibilities for your actions they always say…. Well… they don’t really practice what they say, do they?

Kemasyarakatan!!! SUCH a big word, even the MINISTRY itself does not understand the full meaning of this word! If they do, some actions would be taken to heal the DYING society… Often I ponder; do I really want a family (my own) to grow in such a dire state of emotional and mental decline in my society? Can I truly provide emotionally to a growing child in this diverse multi-cultural with multi-levelled society rules with many inequitable living conditions, environment and more?

Own up people… acknowledge that you need help… acknowledge that you are emotionally hungry for approval and support… acknowledge a problem so we all can work to better improve ourselves…. Re-invent ourselves to be a better person… better contributing personnel of the society that will grow beautifully into perfumed roses, and not genetically engineered, thorn-less, smell-less roses.

This brings me to remember an encounter I had with a patient I was treating in one of the wards. This frail old man has a failing memory due to age (dementia) and hence he was unable to look after himself. He often pee-ed in his pants, he is unsure if he has taken his medication, and he often talks about his pasts and his remorse. He, I found, was unable to remember most of his family members… yet, he knows when they do not come and visit him. He must have been in the hospital for about 3 months, and I have never seen any of his family members. Nurses were helpful enough to clean him, and occasionally, I would feed him lunch and dinner. But where were his family?

According to a staff, the patient was admitted into the ward because he had a fall and then kind of hurt his head. He was there only for observation. Later, the medical team found out that he had been hit on the head instead of the firm believe of him falling somewhere around the house. He stayed in the hospital because none of his children (there were about 9, I think) wanted to take him home. Too much work, too cumbersome, too tiring, he is NOT my father and more… This is sad. The children considered themselves a family, and they had many family discussions…. But are they really a family? NOT I believe!!!

It is sad… and even sadder that you know it happens in your supposedly ‘clean’ of ANYTHING country… we need community counselors, proper counselors in school and tertiary educational settings! We need people to seek help…

I want to seek help… Many of my ‘rejection’ issues come from this issue… If you do not want to be like me, emotionally dead and unable to ‘love’… SEEK help! Seek help now… its never too late to heal yourselves. Next time you know anyone that feels he comes from a broken family… get him to admit it and seek help. You are doing everyone a favour!

If anything comes out of this, I hope that people are more aware of how unjust and blind our society are… and that individuals from broken families can grow into a lovely rose with the proper support and love from people in their surroundings. However, people denied of problems, die, and are incapable of further reaching and committing to name just a few.

Ramadhan and Teacher's Day

Ramadhan is here again… and this would be the first in 7 years since I got back from UK, that I would be fasting slightly away from home… not as bad since I still get to eat halal food everywhere… just get to eat it alone!

I got comments that my previous blog entry was just so sad and plain blue…. So I thought I’ll pick it up a notch…

Ramadhan must be one of my favourite months. As I KID, I found fasting very difficult. Often I would cry to sleep because of hunger, and when I do sleep and dream, I dreamt of eating :P ha ha ha… those were the days. I had more embarrassing stories … like cheating… eating or drinking from the kitchen… and more… ha ha ha….

As an adult, a friend showed me how interesting Ramadhan can be. We used to stay up all night, and do a lot of things together… things I have never done with another friend or most of my family members… and for that insight, he is an aspiration… a light…. And I always thank god for his presences, though brief, in my life…

Today also happens to be Teacher’s Day and I got roses… and also a gift bag… from a boy patient! Awww… its just so amazing.. and to make it even better… he did quiet well in session, compared to 2 sessions ago… What more can I want?!

I RECEIVED my first ROSES from a boy patient…. I told you I have more luck with the young ones than I do with men of the right age or brains…. Ha ha ha,… Its orange by the way…

And so…. I wish all my teacher friends, my sister, cousins, and more… (MY OWN TEACHERS) a very good teacher’s day…

lonely...

Life is slightly slower than that I was used to back in Bandar. However, I kept myself busy by being more efficient that I was before. For example, it would take a few weeks before an initial assessment report for a patient to be ready, including his referrals to other departments and more.

Here, I try to make it a practice to immediately place all the reports to one place, and work on them during lunch, including referring them to the appropriate agencies via snail mail, email, fax or even phone calls. I’m happier with this system because I feel I am giving my patients much better service (administration) than before.

I also write up after every patient after their sessions. I used to only write their plans and evaluate them after a few weeks. Now, I can write up more… I bring them home for something to be done at home.

I also planned next week’s plans in advance… prepare materials and thought out toys and seating.

To some, this may make me sound and look like a neurotic… but those who knows me better say I am looking for something to do; being a self proclaimed moderate-severe workaholic :P

Despite making myself busy, I am still feeling lonely. I do not have anyone to talk to… no one to discuss with… no one to sit with… no one to eat with… or even crack silly unmeaningful conversations with… I feel lonely.

I haven’t resorted to talking to the walls yet... I try to make myself busy at home with different activities such as cooking, dusting, sweeping, mopping, washing, making beds and more. Latest was, I took my sewing box from Bandar and is beginning to create a new project.

Inspite everything… I still feel lonely… Does anyone know what this feels like?

My sister and cousin are in UK… BUT I am sure they have more chances of finding friends or have more friends and families around them than I!!!

To curb my loneliness, I tried to go to the public library last Friday, only to be surprised that it is not opened. It opens on a SUNDAY, while I am in Bandar!!! How ironic!!!

Yesterday, Burt came to KB, giving away a lecture in the hospital. It was after lunching together; he dropped by my clinic and generously and brilliantly figured out how to dial out to use the internet!!! I am so happy for his help, or I won’t be able to blog…

With age, we are more set in our ways… we know what we want and what we don’t want… I always find making friends difficult… and don’t know where to start, hence, a new environment where I am lonely and being surrounded only by people whom are locals here with their own families makes it worse for me to try to make friends.

Don’t get me wrong… I KNOW this move is necessary and probably good for me as well; GOD WORKs IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS… I never regretted agreeing to this move or starting a permanent service in KB, since the people here deserve something better, and I know I can offer that! But being lonely is different…

When I was in Bandar, yes I do not talk all the time, yes, I do not spend a lot of time with my parents or even my sisters and prefer to be alone or by myself… but that’s different. They are just 5 minutes away when ever or where ever I need them… I am surrounded by family every 5 minutes everywhere I drive in Brunei-muara district.

I think I miss the security and the idea of having families around me… I feel like I am alone here… and that is sad…

Like a professor said to me… to have a conversation, you need at least 2 people; one to talk and one to listen… BUT… There is only one of me…

I am in Kuala Belait..

Here I am.. In Kuala Beliat, today being my third day... I still don't have a place of my own, and is living with my maternal uncle, whom has been kind enough to spare a room for myself. And in the new clinic, I still don't have any of the items I have mentioned in the earlier blog... Life is slow...

Yesterday, was my first day of work. I came early and brought my personal computer to the clinic. I wasn't given a computer, and since a computer is important to my patient filing system, I have to get going!!! I can't just sit around and do nothing! That is just so not my style... PLUS, I would go out of my mind sitting around not doing anything!!

Yesterday (Saturday), I also saw my first patient as a permanent Speech and Language Therapist in Kuala Belait. Its an old patient who wants to get further treatment. She had been previously discharged, but the day before yesterday (Friday), we met in SOON LEE, and being patients, asked for an appointment...

Yesterday also, I 'melapor diri' to my new CEO. He is a very nice man. We talked for about half an hour. He talked about stuff that he was expecting me to do... He also talked about his plans and aspirations for the clinic and its expansion. But I was disappointed on only one count... He didn't offer to bring me around and show me the hospital... I really do not know the people or the place... so it means i have to find out about the hospital myself, like i did Hospital RIPAS... WHY WHY WHY???

Yesterday also, my mum and cousin decided to come up to KB and sleep over. Today, this afternoon, we have a family function with my mum's uncle. I guess I have to go, being here now...

I have explored the MAIN shopping areas... namely, the town (which I have been exploring for a few years) and the NEWEST Soon Lee, very near my uncle's place... I MISS SHOPPING in BANDAR SERI BEGAWAN... I miss the usual window shopping spree i usually do after work, even if there is nothing to see most times...

I found out that things are much more expensive here. Even vegetables are more pricey! I will have to go back to bandar to get all my food... or maybe, i should just go to miri and get my weekly food stash? I wonder if that is a good idea. I don't know either place well... I should buy a map :P sounds like new adventure for me...

I won't be blogging for a while now. My personal computer is in the clinic and i do not own a laptop. My uncle's modem is recently ruined from the thunderstorm we has several weeks ago. It means, I have to go to Bandar and beg my sister to lend me hers for a couple of hours, or get my PC back but let work slide, or get a laptop. Neither of the choices are 'simple'. Help me make a decision???

Final working day in RIPAS

It never occured to me that one day I would be leaving RIPAS Hospital. I have always thought my life starts and ends there... I have resigned to the fate that I would forever be slaving myself to the society of Brunei-Muara District... Somehow, this realisation of what I thought my life's plan was, changed in May, while I was holidaying in Kota Kinabalu with friends for the weekend!

Though I have suggested the idea several years ago, I never thought that it would, one day, come back its way to me... and was given a chance to realise a dream... an aspiration, I thought I wanted to do... Has all that changed? YES, it has... and as for now, I am not sure what i want to do in life... Living without a plan is something I am not used to... I have always had a life's plan...

How do I feel about moving to Kuala Belait now? I am not sure... Sometimes i feel it as a blessing, because it is an easy way out of something uncomfortable, that has been going on for a while now.. It is also a blessing to be given this rare opportunity to start something new... where you can do anything and everything... so its your chance to show the country that you can do this... singlehandly :P

But I know I am going to miss comforts Bandar Seri Begawan offers me... What you may ask... well... for instance, the great arrays and choices of shops, restaurants, bookstores etc... and also having my family and some friends close and near, even if i do not talk to them daily!

A few weeks ago, I started to clear my stuffs and table again, after talking a break from it. I finally managed to clear EVERY single paper and book into boxes and transfered them to KB Hospital. It was very emotional for me... I didn't think that I would miss my table so much... As of today, I've been working in the clinic, using the same table (not necessarily the same spot) for 6 years 6 months and 7 days. (I should have blogged yesterday, I would have gotten a nice number)

I felt this sudden sadness overwhelming me... I am going to miss my table so much... I am going to miss the computers that don't work (because i won't have any), missing the photocopier the most... and delicious food prepared every morning by the diligent Mak Cik, who's aim in life is to fatten you up! I am not complaining :P

I have transfered cases of my current case load to a collegue and I am going to miss them dearly. Most of them are sweethearts... and I am going to miss the hugs... and wet kisses, on the cheeks and the lips :P Most of all, I am going to miss my regulars, whom have been undergoing training for several years... I wish them well... and progress progress progress...

I am not going to have a farewell party as suggested because I will ony be in Kuala Belait, and that, the last time i checked, is still part of Brunei Darussalam!!! A lot of people have been asking when i would be having this 'party'... never... unless i am marying a foreigner and he is whisking me back to his exotic land...

And i am not going to say goodbye(s) to all the rest... because its not exctly goodbye is it... we will still be working together, as a team, working and striving together to make an individual better and 'normalise'his everyday functions, activities and communications...

As of today, my clinic in KB is still table and chair-less... computer-less, toy-less, file-less, appointment card-less and more... I'll blog more to tell you how interesting working life is in Kuala Belait... For now, i won't complain as i need to familiarise myself with the new place and system, and get to know the right people to get things done... I also need to unpack... sigh....

I only hope i won't feel so lonely and desolated there...

Bye RIPAS Hospital...

Bye Bandar Seri Begawan...

Bye Gadong...

Bye Delima...

Bye home.....

Hello Kuala Belait...

Brunei Darussalam's YL and AYL for SSEAYP 2006.