happy new year and Happy Birthday

Happy New year to all!!!
May the new year bring us all new tidings.

_____________________________________

My youngest sister, FR, is celebrating her birthday today. Celebrating, is also her 'twin' Mima. A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you both. May the day be filled with fun things.

Expectation..

I was (and is still) talking to F about 'expectation'. Its one of those serious talks we have, and i like it...

When someone expect something out of an individual, often especially when it is not openly discussed, it can be such a disappointment and anguish to all, and turn that particular experience bitter and sour.

Expecting less, or making your expectations more reasonable and appropriate, the situation may just turn out to be pleasant, exciting and pleasurable. The possibilities are endless.

Big words such as compromise also came up. I believe, COMPROMISE is important in any transaction involving human interaction, feelings and or discussions.

However.... talk is cheap! Actions speaks louder... volumes!!!!

PS: If you say you are going to try, then, you try very hard to achieve or carry out what you are going to try!!!

Merry Christmas

To family and friends celebrating, have a good christmas :)

Again

Its December again. Its school holidays. Roads are slightly clearer. However, its one of those months where people are in the mood to 'get married'. Invitations are aplenty.

One of my cousin is getting married. I am grateful that there isn't much to be done. I am not exactly a fan of 'extra work', especially when it involves these kind of social activities, mingling and non-sense chit chat!

When i am in the mood, i enjoy helping out when and what i can. I also enjoy the bad singing, the 70s songs, even bad jokes!

However, december is almost over.... the new year is here to capture us in its hyped sensationalised 'better future', "new year", "new resolution" new everything... as if our lives would change with the new year. Logically thinking, its only another day... and it would not change us without any intervention from ourselves!

Volunteering is not exactly something people of this land do much. The concept seems foreign, but it had been practised long long ago... They somehow have forgotten their roots, and values.

As a student, many hospitals and clinics were asked to volunteer, so that we students can have some practical hand on experiences of working life, working with people and executing tests. If it was not for my past clinicians, i would not have been in this position.

I like to return the favour, and do something good for others that may need exposure and hands on experience before becoming a 'clinician' themselves.

I have the pleasure of carrying out this task, however, students often forget that they need to be humble in a profession like this. People do not take kindly to arrogant figures, even when they know what they are talking about.

update

Has it been almost a week?! Time flies...

The year has not ended, yet, my next year's calendar is already full up to beginning of May 2009!!!

I recieved a phone call this afternoon - and its more work for me!

I wish i just have some assistance! I really cannot do this much longer... or if i do, i would really die of mental exhaustion, high blood pressure, and of course obesity (not that i am tiny) because i eat a lot under pressure!

It is not that i have not contemplated a change of work environment, but, i believe it to be similar everywhere... over worked... and under pay!

If they pay for all the assessment, reports i conducted,... I would probably be more motivated and less grumpy!

Nokia 3110

So I finally got a new mobile... The old one was not functioning any more. After much deliberation, and with the help from F, I decided to get Nokia 3110.

Initially, I wanted to get Nokia 5000. I went to the shop with J and it looked very nice. But, after surfing QQestore, I found that Nokia 3110 was much cheaper with additional 2GB additional memory card.

As you can see, I don't need much to keep me happy. I can live with some updates, and a few technology tools... I don;t need fancy stuff. J can tell you t hat I am not so great with technology :)

I will be reading through the manual, word by word. Its what i do :)

To all Muslim readers, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha this Monday :)

phone... mobile...

Just the other day, my uncle tried to call me. I answered naturally... but he could not hear me. i called him back, he called me, but we still could not hear each other.

After some time, i tried to call Frank... and it happened... I can hear him on the other line, but not him, me. The same happened when my sister called.

I came to the conclusion that my phone has finally 'died' though, i can still text messages, so that is good.

I am going to get another phone soon... nothing fancy, just something that would work with enough functions for me to use.

affected

I find it strange and sometimes amazed how one's actions often not only affect the do-er, but also people in her/his surroundings... The bad or good... it always have this kind of impact...

I am not sure if i am what you call a 'sensitive' person, where i FEEL people.... but I do empathised with them, and sometimes takes things too hard, literally and often personally.... and this had affected my life in more ways than necessary or liked...

I used to try to listen to people and empathised... but now, i rather walk away...

Not knowing --> not understanding, not feeling --> not hurt

However, shrinks all over, across cultures would most probably not advise to walking away from problems... but when it is out of your control, how can you not, trying to preserve some 'normalcy' in your own life???

Half past eight

H and I went to watch a movie at a cinema one day. We had cut out a coupon from a free magazine, with a $2 off the ticket value. I love coupons like that, and so, I booked the movie for us via phone.

Before that, we met up with J and had dinner at a Thai Restaurant in Jerudong. The food was excellent by the way :)

Back to the movie, i called the cinema. And since, we were having dinner first, we decided not to rush and catch the later movie. It went on like this:

Me: Hello.
Girl: ***** Cinema. How can I help you?
Me: Yes... I would like to book 2 seats for adults watching Madagascar 2. The half
past eight show please.
Girl: Which show would that be?
Me: The half past eight show please.
Girl: We have showings at seven, eight thirty,... bla bla bla...
Me: I just said that... the half past eight show. The eight thirty show.
Girl: For how many?
Me: hmmm.... 2 adults.
Girl: Ok. Your booking number is ..... Thank you.

As far as i know, we learn to read the clock in lower primary school. I am sure the girls working there minimal education background is O level. so.... why is understanding 'half past eight' difficult???

I've been tagged...

Rules and Regulations:

1) You have to take your picture right now! (yes now, no editing, no fixing your hair or anything)
jgn membuyuk!!! bedusa... hahahha

2) Post the picture immediately at your blog

3) Post it together with these rules

4) Tagged five other bloggers to do the same thing.

• Iskiness
• Selina
  
• Burt
• Yus
• Lin

• 

absent mindedness

Just a bit over than a week before, my car refused to start. No matter how much i pressed on the pedals, it wouldn't budge. It made a struggling sound.... to which i can relate to totally... But I was thinking, you were running smoothly yesterday and last night!!!

I was already late, but not late enough to cancel just yet. I was confident the problem can be resolved in a matter of minutes.. to which i turned to my rescue-er; my uncle.

We were messing around, trying to find out and doing stuff to it.. but the car was determined not to work. 30 minutes had come and gone... and i had to cancel promising to see them next week. It was just not going to work. Obviously it needed a bit of TLC.

Not long after, it finally started. the battery needed a change. It served me well for 2 years and a bit. I had no qualms about that... its just one of those things that needed to be replaced. I, however, wished it would have told me earlier it was not working more that morning, so i could have done something to avoid it.

Anyways, a week later... I came to work to bad news. I had forgotten about the kids and had gone about my business as usual. I was outstation from the district... and they came to the clinic. They were most unhappy, i was told.

People are usually happy with me and my service. so when i heard this, i was most unsettled... I called them immediately, apologising for my absent mindedness. I offered another appointment date, and this time, i made sure i will not cancel!

And so, i had a brief chat with the car.... No more misbehaving!!!

silly...

I guess people act silly sometimes... even brilliant ones.

My friend, A, became a first time father 3 years ago. He was ultra excited. And, i was obviously a 'consultant' on many different issues that i can help on. and, he often update me on his child's milestones... like, little Al burped today or Al can turn around. Its all so sweet and cute and even silly.

A don't usually call, so when he did, i was a bit excited. A said, "Al called me daddy today!" full of excitement in his voice.

I went like, " A! I am sorry to not share your excitement and all... but... i think fatherhood had damaged your brain cells! Al could not have addressed you... she is barely 3 months old!!! Even Einstein talked late!!!"

and today, i had a mum that came to the clinic with a delayed child.
me: C, is a very active boy, isn't he...
mum: Yes. that is good?
me: up to a certain limit. So, mum, how old was C, when he first started walking?
Mum: oh.. maybe 13 months.
Me: good. When did he first talk? like say Mama and daddy?
Mum: oh! i remember that well. 6 months!

PEOPLE are fooled by this tiny people... and its kind of cute, sweet and silly at the same time :)

PS: I am feeling a bit of my 'old' self this pm, and it felt great :)

weird

There is this man at work whom i think is a bit weird and may be hitting on me... his lines were corny... instead of having this warm fuzzy feeling about it, it scares me more.... and i get goosebumps...

Imagine someone saying :

You have a lovely smile.
I love working with you.
I like your hair.

PS: He is married with kids...

The monsoon is back... rain is inevitable. I was driving on the highway tonight, but had to drive slow as visibility was poor. I was driving at 30 km/hr, so you just imagine how bad that is...

On a lighter note, Nippon Maru, with her 35th batch of PYs came and gone from Brunei, being its 1st port of call. I did my bit as a participating youth, though, i can do better, if only location was not an issue! I did not participate in this year's reunion, but i guess, there are many more of those to come, especially with the news of a 'newer' ship next year. That would be more interesting :)

I also had just changed the look of the blog, celebrating the successful report of a tagborder's flooding messages :) Its still kind of 'dull' but, brighter... does it signifies brighter entries??? Time will tell...

Speech

My institution just celebrated 'Hari Raya Aidil Fitri', even though it has just ended.

I had been elected to be the 'head' of the group, and had been requested or expected to deliver a speech. More over, this speech need to be in MALAY!

Its not like i cannot speak Malay, but my STANDARD malay is probably laughable... hence, i need to do a lot of work on it. i even had a couple of family members helping me... and when it was ready, it was an excellent piece of speech....

On the day of the ceremony itself, when i was delivering the speech... NO ONE LISTENED!!!! All that hard work, I might as well had said, !@£$% all of you, and they would have clapped HARD!

Despite having a positive out look on people, its time like this when they should show respect, that they don't... and that people like me for example, lose my reverence for them... They did it to themselves without my help.

Good day

So, it did not start smooth,.. in fact, it was kind of bumpy, and i was all NERVES and all... but, it turned out to be good. and like a friend once said, "after a while, you forget all the bad stuff".

I was supposed to have a 'clear' morning due to a mix up, but i ended up being so busy and pre-occupied. I had patients turning up, and i had to listen to their problems, and try to offer a solution, or try to find one. They did however, called me up to find out if i was there and available :) good on them :)

Anyways, I was in TUT this pm. We had case discussion session. We were joined by many other professionals that never really attended this before, but it was a welcome :) We learnt more new things :)

As we were discussing our case load, one particular child jumped out to me. I was sharing to the others how violent his behaviour were, but he is recovering. But mum is obviously way over her head. Then, a medical professional suggested that it might be Fragile X Syndrome. I got way excited because i remembered that from O-Level Biology, and i could actually tell them what it was... *wink* can't you just smell the nerdiness??? :P

Anyways, I was like... soooo happy i know something the others didn't. And also the fact that the person whom suggested it was impressed i knew :) yeah... typical stuff to boost morale :P

Another thing that made me happy was that a 'difficult' case was slowly unraveling... and 'We' got more professionals involved. I don't want the paient or his family to suffer, but whatever pain they are going through now, i hope they understand i did it for them, and it is DEFINATELY out of love for them.

I had an earlier date with the girls, J and H, instead of the usual tomorrow. We ended up doing fun stuff :) it was gret :)

But, i did promised someone a 'date' and i stood him up... I hope he is not too upset about it. I will try to make it up to you :P sorry!

so, all in all... a good day :) and guess what... I am capable of being UP BEAT :P

Musical...

I won tickets to watch High School Musical 3 at Empire Cinema for 2. Since J dislikes cinema, H went with me instead. Armed with the knowledge that it is a musical for "kids"... I was sort of prepared... and having watched the first 2, was FAIR warning.

I like this better than HSM2. However, one asked me, High School Musical 3 or Mamma Mia? Mamma Mia hands down.... BY THOUSANDS of MILES....

I was requested to make a stop to an open house tonight... and there was a lady singing... She was good. Her pronunciation was good, making me able to enjoy the pieces more. I was captivated... i could have been in a theater, re-living my student days enjoying plays.

All the singing reminded me of a person i recently saw. She was keen to sing, and was supposed to be the lead singer in a band, but because of voice problems, she was unable to pursue it. It made me kind of sad, and i know she is sad... She was, however, was able to accept her condition, and was willing to work together to make it better.

Having said that, working with someone whom is in denial of his condition, and creates stories to make himself better of how he acquired the condition, makes working with that person very difficult.

I sit here at my desk, thanks to J, H and A whom bought it for my birthday, thinking how medical professionals and others sieve and sift through information to get to the core problems, what with people's talent with words and spinning tales.... What if you get the wrong information, or interpret the wrong information....

Thank you

There has been some activity on the tagboard... I am not sure why that happened.. or how it happened, but it did... I am not even sure if it is a 'positive' thing that is happening...

Research had informed us that negative behaviour should be ignored and not rewarded... hence, negative tagborders, should be ignored. However, I am never one much to shy away from 'challenges' as politely as i can muster...

In most culture and religion, as well as international "standards" of human behaviour (Social and pragmatic skills) had silently agreed that one should not judge another person - Its like they say, "Do not judge a book by its cover"... Sadly, many of us are quilty of that, including a particular tagboarder.

When we say something nasty about another person, does that make us a good person? Does it make us feel good?

There is an element of truth in what had been commented, and it had been taken into account. Alas, the tagboarder is not the first and won't be the last to pass a comment as such. I, myself, have realised how gordy the blog had become... and FAMILY and FRIENDS (note: not strangers, whom do not know me) had made similar attempts (personally and politely) to make it less depressive. This is what i would like to say: There is such a thing as 'personal thoughts', and if it tends to be BLEAK, so be it.

My thoughts on things may be different from others... but, they are ORIGINAL and are all mine! I have never forced anyone to accept my thoughts as theirs.... except maybe earlier on, hating my boss! *wink*

Like i have said earlier, life is a journey... and adventure... a process... Some may have it good, others not so. Some may be lucky, but not all. Most happy, but a small number unhappy about many things in their life.

I have to say, I am very fortunate to be born as I am, in my family, with god's gift of brain, physical strength and appetite *smile* But, I am also fortunate to be blessed with the ability to THINK and rationale things, may it be good or bad, and think THROUGHLY of any issues within my capacity - so yeah, you can say that i THINK DEEPLY *BLUSH*

Many of the 'sad' entries have histories behind that i share only with the selected few. Hence, it won't really make sense to mere visitors. It would really look like i had dug myself into the pit... and you are watching me letting go... such is not the case, I would like to reassure all my readers.

I would like to thank all that cared and worried about the mental and emotional well being of the blogger. I, indeed, am very pleased to know that you have my best interest at heart. Just like the stock market is unpredictable, so am I... But, just like the stock market, it always manages to pull itself/herself through any storm.... WITH time, understanding and lots of support!!!

I leave you with few wisdom quotes:

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts, he shall end in certainties. -Francis Bacon, Advancement of Learning Bk. i

He who knows much about others may be learned, but he who understands himself is more intelligent. He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still -Lao-Tsu. Tao Teh King

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

To repeat what others have said, requires education, to challenge it,requires brains - Mary Pettibone Poole

Criticism is prejudice made plausible - H. L. Mencken

I feel like a failure. I feel bad.

Heart

The heart is an organ that pumps blood through out the whole body. It does not feel. It does not think. It pumps blood.

So, why is it, across oceans, continents, cultures and traditions, people always associate feelings and the heart???

My theory is, we feel with the brain, specifically, the mind. Yet, a lot of people do not appreciate the mind.

Some are more sensitive than others, yet there are few amongst us that are in-sensitive.

Snide remarks often bruise me... yet i receive that often...

Careless speech bleeds me.... and i get that often too...

Careless thoughts and actions hurts me the most....

I wish my work/life does not involve me talking... that i can do my work/life quietly...

Can one live by one-self without another?

Should i change my job?

Should i start looking for a different job?

Should i start 're-locating' and start afresh?

Evolving...

My sister and I plus 2 younger cousins were in the car after sungkai... we were chatting when i was posed with a question... How have i evolved after been working?

A lot of things went through my mind... i just found it a bit hard to voice them out.... it kind of frustrated my sister, so i asked her what her answer would be...

Thinking about it... (I gave my answer in the car, on the drive home), i guess the following are true...

1. I have becomed more wary of people - i once thought people of this country are nice, friendly and look after each other as the family unit are strong and cohesive. This is so far from the truth, and the reality of it is VERY sad. What is much sadder is the fact that all negativity surrounding these issues are covered up and not discussed... brushed and cast aside for later generations to deal with.
2. I have less faith in the system - I believe our system is supposed to HELP us. Up to a certain degree it does, however, there are many things that the system can help to improved and better the quality of life of so many. Pledges have been made again and yet again, but results and changes are the thing you really never get to see and experience.
3. I became more cynical and extra cautious - I learnt the hard way that people are really nasty. Most are not sincere at all carrying out duties and tasks they should. Most do things to be seen and climb the social ladder...
4. I realised that i had become one of the world BEST and LEADING ACTRESS - Often, despite feeling really bad inside, and squirming my heart out of the place i had been placed into, i have to put on a smile, and be amicablem, even when i do not want to.
   
5. Becoming complacent - When i started work, i realised so many things are so medivial, and vowed to change them. However, i am not in the position to make changes, hence, i try to make changes where possible on my level and more... however, bangging on hard surfaces all these years, i sometimes feel that i had become complacent, and i hate it. How are we to change for the better, if everyone is complacent, no one voices out their views, no one listens... until when are we to be like this??? always a third world country on so many issues?
6. I have become stagnant - I have been working for 9 years, and yet despite urges from the highest authority to engage in ongoing courses to be update, and applying to them over time, i have yet to go to one, since the last one and only one i went in 2004 was fully sponsored by another body.
   
7. I multi-task - This is nothing to be proud of. Spreading yourself too thin is something one should really NOT do, afraid of an early and unnecessary permanent 'retirement'!

so how have i evolved? I have become a 'bad' person. Yes, i do many good things to my kids and their parents, to adults and their families... I out-stretct my capacity under the pay i recieved... I try to advocate for their needs when it needs to be raised to different authorities. Yet... i have not achieved a quality standard of working... nor i believe would i be able to achieve it... not under these circumstance...

Should i give in and be like the others?

So the moon has not been sighted, hence, Ramadhan (Fasting month) starts on Tuesday, corresponding to 2nd September 2008 in Brunei. Yet, the shopping malls were packed with people. I know this because i just came back from one, just walking around with my sister and her boyfriend... also so not to be on my own and think things...

With that, tomorrow, Monday, is a working day... and i have to travel all the way to Belait. Thank god that my cousin is going there to work as well, hence, i get to relax on driving in the morning.

Yesterday, we had CDC family day... and even though i work in Belait district, i was involved in it. It was fun, even if i was only in charge of registration and ice-cream. However, people kept on asking for coupons... like they never had food and could not afford to get it themselves. Those coupons were meant for the special kids.... i really resent them.

Friday night, i went out with Haslin and June. Another friend was supposed to join us,... however, excuses were made. The girls helped to cheer me up... i did, to a certain degree... they did, however, managed to get my tummy full to the utmost top.

On Thursday evening, after my Tutong session, i went to Giant to get some supplies for home and clinic. i spent a small fortune... i usually do when i am unhappy... I did resist so many things i felt was unnecessary... guess my will power is not that strong.

Lin said that i do not sound down on the blog, but different in real life. I guess I am down... I am better with people around me or kept busy... not so great on my own... alone in my room... nothing-ness just envelopes me....

Today...

Today:

Its raining heavily outside since I came home from shopping/dinner with Uncle and cousin. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen, which includes going through 'old' food stock, cleaning the fridge and freezer, floor, and kitchen table and stove including microwave and kettle.

Ramadhan is approching very fast, and apparently people are very excited. I went to get some supplies for us (Uncle and me) for the fasting month. Will get the veggies nearer to the day.

I finally managed to get a pair of shoes to replace the one i have. The sole is giving way, but its still good for a few weeks walk. I shall keep it till its unusable.

I have finally MOVED to the new clinic location. Some patients had been there, some professionals too. Its not untidy, but things are still all over the place (kitchen) in boxes... Will need to unpack very soon. It looks good.

but, why do i feel 'odd'? I should be happy things are going well....

JOY OH JOY!!!

HAVE YOU HEARD THE LATEST NEWS!!!! JOY OH JOY...

AT LEAST NOW, THE FUTURE NO LONGER LOOKS TOO BLEAK! SOME PROSPECT OF LIGHT, FINALLY....

Opening Ceremony

so the opening ceremony is over. The highlight for me was watching the young athlete try their walking, matching, swinging, lifting and walking up steps and running. They were cute :)

I had the privillage to be one of the flag lady. It was okay, despite being in the sun and all, however, people change their minds all the time, and.... this was no exception. yesterday they made final changes,... today, few minutes before the siren of the royal bellowed, changes were made yet again.

i had to kneel on the tarmac... It was hot, uncomfortable. but i survived. People whom had been watching close may noticed that i was a bit TOO shifty in my position for a flag lady... sigh... this is what you do....

Superficially, things went quite smoothly, neatly without hiccups :) Everyone were happy...

strange...

I am currently volunteering for a good cause - 2nd Special Olympics Asia-Pacific Bocce Competition. (FYI the first game was in Brunei as well in 2005). Here, i get to work with plenty of people in different situations under stress, and yet you have to make things happen. And here is where you meet colourful characters.

BUT amongst the commotion, there is this lady that stood out from the rest and (Singaporean married to a local) whom had been labeled 20 cents - because every time her name is raised (which is very frequent) you have to pay 20 cents into this piggy bank, which will then be given back to her ( AT THE VERY END) as an act of 'REPENT-tion' from the group!

Anyways, this lady is VERY good at fabricating stories. She does not even bother to tell her lies consistently. And I for one, had really been fooled. I really believed her 'truths of news' until variations of the same news came to me, and people started questioning! People in various committees actually LAUGHED at me, claiming me to be an easy target!

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why she is such a 'Dr Jeckle / Mr Hyde'. I wanted to tell her that we all know variations of truths... but somehow, i don't feel its worth my time to even associate with her... and hence, i really keep my distance, and only nodding when i see her. The mere-est glimpse of her, everyone scatters.

I wonder why she would do that to herself??? and alienate other people???

Another lady that i find strange is this lady that is supposedly 'FAMILY' but WE never really associate ourselves with her or her clan much. like, once a year is not really considered family!!! And, if anyone claims us to be related, i usually say we are NOT!

For a woman of her status, she really shame herself! One would think she would act with grace and dignity... but all people can see is that she is an airhead, especially good for nothing, and not worth to even try replying to any of her requests or questions. I don't even think she is respected by any of the other professionals, other than people within her own department with reasons to be so, i guess - ass lickers!!

HOWEVER, i met exceptional people :) especially the special individuals. They have hearts of gold ;)

Wishes...

How many times have you dreamt of being lucky like Aladin, and get that magic lamp, rub it and get 3 magic wishes. And if you had any three wishes, what would it be?

How many times have you been in the position, where you started a sentence with "I wish..." without ever really thinking and putting any bearings to it...

If i were to have such wishes, I wish that...
1. we live in an ideal world, where people do what they are supposed to do. There would be no oppression, no self interest projects, no backlashing... If we all follow and live with the 'human code', i believe we all can achieve many many positive gains... but then again, humans are selfish individuals.

2. i am a woman of stature and wealth. Not because i want to be FILTHY rich (it doesn't hurt), and for the glamour of it all, but with wealth and stature, you can do a lot of good things, other than be independent financially, and you get to do things you like without any burdeon, you can carry out many tasks such as be a volunteer to causes close to your heart, and offer your specialty in certain cases, and get to further or enhance your own skills, as you see fit.

3. I have the wisdom and foresight to live life well, and not do mistakes or regretted things in the past. When and if you are wise, you know how to treat people as you know the outcome and consequences of your own actions.

I shed too many tears already and all very recently. Not only do my eyes are tired, i am exhausted mentally, spiritually and emotionally...

My birthday was almost a month ago, but i am still recieving gifts :) thanks you all. I had a book, kain, desk, DVD player, MP3, bag, brooch, floating candles, dinner and lovely thoughts. I love them all.

ANOTHER nice birthday present was when June called me up to tell me that exam results are out, and that i actually passed ONE paper out of TWO :) Ain't that brilliant :P I thought it was not short of miracles.

August also meant, WEDDINGS.... Other than Azhan getting married, Emran and my Mak Cik's daughter also got married. And they all got married on the same day. Emran was an old school friend from my primary days. He invited me weeks earlier, :) and naturally, his was the one i had to attend to. Azhan is a friend from the frivolous years... and Mak Cik's daughter's wedding was a smash, i know :) though i was not there.

Drama was everywhere this month.... and Special Olympics is also coming... of which, drama is not short of.... AMAZINGLY, I was volunteered to teach the kids to dance, traditional and modern dance ;) and... believe it or not, they managed to learn a traditional dance, under 2 hours!!!

I cannot wait what else is there for me to do and go through.... life is so mysterious... and wonderful!

Hapiness is...

You can click on the title above, as it will bring you to a blog written by Twinkle not so long of the same topic. Initially, I only wanted to say that QUITING from my job would bring me happiness, however, find out how I have changed my mind.

Things that would make me absolutely happy are:

1. Understand what I need for myself, on my own.
2. Be self-sufficient; not needing anything or anyone.
3. Have money. I do not want to think about money; if I have enough to spend or share or burn. I just want it to be always there...
4. No responsibilities, other than to myself and god.
5. To QUIT my job. (It ideally would be number 1, but a girl has to earn money in reality to survive and pay off her debts)
   
6. Stay in bed and never get out of it.
7. DO nothing...
   
8. To have communication with people ALL the time, even if its just tiny things like telling you they need to pee! (If they within your immediate surrounding of course! I am not silly!) Every little thing adds up, and all types of communication is important!
9. To wake up and feel good. Gone are times when I wake up and feel like crying, feeling tired and worse...
10. To be truly happy with oneself.

Happiness is a constant working progress and you constantly have to work on it. Only you can make you happy; so i was told! It is also a process of mind over matter. Make yourself believe you are happy and you are...

I probably would never achieve any... and so I would never be happy... or would I?

Clack! Clog! Chump! Chump! That is all i heard from the table to my left, while i was dining on my own, waiting for my sister to turn up. I can hear the couple's utencills going across their plates louder than I can hear them talk. I can even hear the chewing activities louder than a blowing machine on the road!

We tell our children all the time:

"Chew /eat with your mouth closed"

"Eat slowly"

"Don't drag your spoon against your plate"

"Stop clacking!"

We do not seem to follow our own advice, some of us that is. And this couple, eat like this in a restaurant!!!! - Where are their manners??? I lost my appetite!!

Happy Birthday to me

This year, I have a man's voice, and a head that feels like a volcano about to erupt on my birthday. Needless to say, I do not feel like celebrating. I never feel like celebrating, but it feels good to be remembered. I received loads of text messages on my phone, as well as on line. I even got messages from my sister, parents and aunt from abroad.

However, all i did not get was 'conversation'. i fell to bed tired of waiting and without conversation... i felt dumped! Birthdays always bring me down... why?

Anyways, to those that never did had the chance to read what my birthday is all about in previous blogs, here is your chance.... click away and re-discover the journeys...
July 2005
July 2006
July 2007

An excerpt from July 2005:

"Legally, My birthday would be on the 14th of July but my family would usually greet me on the 15th July!!! ...... On my birth certificate, It was written that i was born on the 14th July few decades ago. The nurse that was attending my mum wrote that down, and it was certified by people whom was not my dad (he was not there) and being LAID BACK as they are, did not check the details on it! However, according to my mum, I was born on the 15th July, because i was born after the midnight of 14th July, when she came to the hospital!!!"

Boss is not here： Boss is calling：
I Like this emotion!!

In a meeting： Training： Tea break：

Before noon on weekend： Ready for getting off work：


Tomorrow is a holiday：　

Got today’s target from boss：　 Tough target：

Find impossible to meet boss’s requirement：

OT for 2hrs： OT for a whole night：

Being notified to OT on weekends：


Meet with ‘Sorry-I-Don’t-Know’clients： Made mistakes in work：

Little achievement： Frustrating things happens：

Finance person doesn’t give the money:

Being advised NO BONUS this year：　

fighting

i hate fighting.
it makes me feel horrible.
i promised myself i would not be in a relationship that fights all the time. I do not want to be in a ever cyclic vicious cycle. Maybe being single won't be that bad.

Rainbow

Do you remember looking at the sky, and seeing this wonderful thing... Its colourful, and its there after it rains. Sometimes, it all around like a big semi circle, sometimes, you can only see a peep between clouds... Once, when i was younger and in primary school, i remembered looking at the sky and seeing this CIRCULAR rainbow. Yes, rainbow.

I used to be fascinated with rainbows. I have to say, I still am. Despite knowing that its reflection of light on water particles... or something like that if I remember my secondary Physics right.

I was driving home from KB a few days ago, when I was stuck in traffic (Yet again!) when I saw this colourful spectrum to the right of me, out of the window on the horizon. I was looking, and trying to see how the colours change from one shade to the other, and how the colour change is so amazing that it actually blends... you don't see separation of colours.

You know when you were in school, you learnt that the rainbow consists of 7 colours, and yet, when I was looking and staring at the rainbow, I can see more than 7 shades of colours, yet, it was kind of difficult to say, this is the line where red end and orange begins. The same goes for the other colours on the spectrum.

I am also amazed that we still have the chance to enjoy rainbows. While stuck in traffic, I tried to think and remember if I had seen a rainbow while I was studying abroad. and the answer that came to me was, not that I know of.

Perhaps we still enjoy rainbows here in Brunei because of the clearer and better environment, where the water particles are less contaminated, and clearer to reflect off pure light. But perhaps also, being near the equator ensures plenty of sunlight to reflect the water droplets to get a nice big clear rainbow after a rainy day.

There are many superstitions and also folkore attached to rainbows. The one I remember the most is the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. At a younger age, I used to want to find the pot of gold... I still do, but now, I understand its no longer possible...

A rainbow also reminds me that god is fair. He creates a gloom day, with heavy rain (good for some when it does not destroys houses or crops) yet after it is over, we get to enjoy sun and a spectrum of colourful colours across the sky to be enjoyed by all.

I shall remember or try to remember, all 'dugaan' and/or tasks may have beautiful rainbow spectrum at the end of the day.

One thing i know for sure about myself is that i have loads of character flaws. i know everyone have some, but who knows this better than ourselves. At least I think i do.

Of the many flaws i have, there are plenty that i can do to change, and some perhaps i can change with effort, and many others i thought was my strength may be my weakness and disliked by lots around me, but they never say anything, and just accepted it the way i am. But, for how long?

Sitting here alone in my room, i was thinking about this, and it brought a dash of sadness to my heart. I would not want to tolerate 'friends' of their 'bad habits', or at least, I should be able to tell them what i think of them, and how we can change for the better together. But some how, suggestions as such would not really be well recieved.

i have been wondering to myself... what is it that i really want out of life??? can i really achieve it??? Does money really solve or dissolve problems faced now? would it really be able to make me slightly happier?

Would a change in scenary or environment, or work place, contribute to being less 'sad'?

maybe i am taking too much on my plate... but i feel like there is no one to help me and so i have to do it alone... and when it gets too much, i breakdown, and when i do, i have to self repair or the burdeon would be greater.... am i making sense?

I wish you can talk... and that you can tell me that i am crazy or just tell me something to make me feel better...

often i thought that it is not worth trying to change or upgrade myself... as i do not see the benefits of changing... other than to other people than myself... should i even think of being selfish like that...

i wish i can say... with that amount of money, i would want to have this amout of work and responsibility....

I wish i can say... you are hurting my feelings and that was not what i meant...

i wish many things... but i wish the most to be better

monthly update

Would it be such a cliche if i say, I have been busy and do not have time to blog? I guess it is, but then again, its true.

UPDATES:

• I have a GO & FR exam in June that i have not studied for YET! I suspect i would be FAILING terribly.

• There will be a family day in KB on the 6,7,8th of JUNE. Hence, all are invited to come and see what the fuss is all about.

• Have been trying to 'teach' some students on a voluntary basis for their O-Level exams - which ended with me studying as well...

• I have been sick constantly for the past 2 months.. and still coughing and feeling feverish, especially in the afternoons.

• I have promised myself to exercise, instead, i have exercised my mouth muscles with much food, hence the stomach had extended, and weight increased.... MUCH to my dismay, and soon, my doctor's disappointment.

• I have indulged myself in a singing marathon for 2 days, singing my heart out.... without even leaving my room, except for important meals.

• MY phone has been barred as a reason, as i have FORGOTTEN to pay my bills, much to m y sister's dismay as i could not make contact :P

• We had failing e-speed at home, and i had BAD withdrawal symptoms

spread the word...

I volunteered as a stimulated patient (SP) for the 3rd year students in University Brunei Darussalam (UBD) today. It had been fun, though some of the questions asked by the students were quite tricky to answer as they were meant to ask specific questions. There were several times were I had to ask them to repeat their questions, or asked them to be more specific.

One question took me by surprise as I never thought one could be asked the question in that way. He said, "How much did you bleed?" I was like 'huh!?' He said, "Did you bleed like a teaspoon? or a cup?" I could not answer! I was dumbstruck!

Overall, it was an experience, and I would like to do it again. These students are going to come back and provide a service much needed by the people, so why not help them achieve this the best way possible in helping to get them trained! Its all voluntary and as a result I feel that you are giving back to the people and country in positive manner.

It was also during that period this afternoon that I met locals and not so locals but friendly faces that had been working in the medical world of Brunei Darussalam. It was really nice to see familiar faces that had been a big part of my working world until almost 2 years ago.

One of the person I met was, Mr Zul. Infamous local specialist in the field of ENT. He had opened up his own private practice, and heard is doing very well. He, being a nice person he is, still refers patients to the clinic. And when we met up, other than catching up briefly with life, he took the opportunity to discuss some clients of his.

(NB. I met many others, but not to bore you, i shall just mention a couple)

Another person I met was Dr Haji Isham. He is also a local specialist in the field of thoracic surgery. I think that is what he is. Really sorry if i get that wrong. Anyways, we were talking and also catching up. What's interesting in our conversation is that he informed me of 'new' services available in RIPAS Hospital nowadays.

He told me the specific names of the illness, but being a 'bimbo', i did not write it down, or even try to remember it. However, the illness involves a person to have EXCESSIVE sweating of palms especially when s/he is nervous or in an uncomfortable situation that sweat from his/her palms actually DRIPS! or, when s/he has to sign a document, as a result of excessive perspiration of the palm, s/he actually ruins the document!

So far, Dr Haji Isham had conducted 2 such surgeries in Brunei and both were successful. According to him, success rate is very very high, about 95-99%. Although, there are always risks with surgery, hence it is very important to discuss any medical procedures with your doctor. (NOTE: He was the same dr that carried out the surgery on the baby with the heart problem mentioned in the papers a few months ago!)

Dr Haji Isham had given me his blessing and permission to spread the word to others, should you know of anyone with this condition, and would like to improve or just get a coulsultation with him. Should you feel you know anyone whom would like to meet him, please call the Surgical Out-patient clinic in RIPAS hospital, and make an appointment with the man himself. Do be patient as he works between two hospitals; RIPAS and JPMC.

I hope, this entry today is useful to you. Do spread the word.

Isham said something to... he said, we need to show faith in our own people. That we are capable and that we can make a difference. With proper opportunities, we too, can achieve what other countries had achieved, and as a result saves expenses, not only of the governments, but also of the individuals and their family receiving the treatment. Bak kata pepatah, "Hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri" The slogan I learnt today was "RIPAS Boleh!"

Tips to Stay Young n Happy Always :)

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight, and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.. That is why you pay them.



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)


3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him or her!

6. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourself. LIVE while you are alive.



7 Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.



And if you don't send this to at least four people - who cares???
But do share this with someone!!! Someone you love and care....... right gang!!

What is not good in 'love'?

I was listening to the radio on my way to buy some grocery, after the roadshow today. I did not actually listen to the whole conversation started by the DJ, however, his question posted above as my title grabbed my attention. So, "What is not good in love", I asked myself...

Perhaps, in the initial stages of love, everything seems alright, and that you can make do and live with anything that comes your away. As the feeling starts to 'normalise', you start thinking, "Why did I put up with these behavious?".

I guess, for me, things that are not good while you are in love are (thinking out loud):

• The craving for 'constant' or almost need for attention all the time. The need to be the centre of someone's universe, and to feel as if you are important. This often gives the 'person' wrong impressions that THEY are IMPORTANT, whereas they are as important to others as they treat others. As the saying goes, what goes round, comes round - the promise of life!

• Blindness towards your partners imperfections. Though this may be cute and endearing at the beginning, but its always the little things that really bugs you. However, when you voice out your concerns regarding little annoying habits earlier on the realtionship, 'love' gets in the way and tells you, 'its ok. let him be!"

• Their opinions. I guess, some do sort out the rotten apples before they commit to a relationship. However, some apples do not appear rotten till you get to the inner most core. And sometimes, when that happens, you wonder, "What will happen to me now? Swallow or spit?" (NO PUNS INTENDED!)

• Financial stability. When you are in love, and have no one to support but yourself, you are content with less. However, you tend to complain and see inadequacies with personal or joint funds with the bun in the oven.

• Getting to know the family. It is really awkward for me to know someone, more so getting to know your prospective 'family members' when it is essential to be on good terms with everyone. It is quite stressful - i imagine! This can sometimes lead to 'fake-ness' that may disappoint not just yourself but other parties as well.
  

Different people really do react differently to others and the qualities they are looking for in potential 'love' partners varies, making us different. What is NOT GOOD for me, perhaps may be tolerable to others, or perhaps "WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?" to another. Its all about perception and personal preference. After all, what makes love good is essentially communication between partners....

Important trait(s)

My youngest sister gave me a call as I was having my early dinner at a diner, and I was too lazy to cook reason being having no supply of what ever (fresh food - which reminds me, I need to clean the fridge) in my kitchen at my uncle's. As we were chatting about, one topic jumped at me as it was different and interesting.

She asked if i could name one important trait that her 'future' or 'possible' boyfriend should have. I told her to give me time while we continue to chat. I finally resolved to 'him' having good sense of humour. Apparently, others (immediate family members) think the same. What can i say, brilliant minds think the same :)

As this topic came up, I remembered my earlier entry a couple months ago, where I spoke of what I wanted in my 'man', dedicated to meddling family members. Its safe enough to say, I stick by what I thought I wanted and needed. Though the list may sound like impossible, and others may read in aghast, but.... *wink* someone out there fits :)

Youth and me

Recently, I participated in the first Brunei's Youth Congress. I feel it went rather well (the discussion bit), though it ended with a bit in an anti-climax feeling for me. There were many there, though the quality of participation is something else entirely! But, I have to give credit when its due, and for the first time, it is quite okay. Perhaps relevant agencies will learn from their first experience to make future congress better and more interactive and relevant with good if not better facilitators.

I was lucky, in a way that i was selected to speak on a topic where i had some ideas. others were not so lucky where they had to discuss a topic new and foreign to them, such as youth and employment. Only if you are of a certain age and maturity would you tend to think in that direction. Otherwise, its something younger youths dismiss and leave for relevant and older authorities to plan, and resolve!

Being around other youths and thinking of one particular topic for a few days is NOT ENOUGH to come to a conclusion of what is needed by the youths and the country. In fact, I believe the few days we had to discuss the topics were really limited and just the tip of an iceberg of what we can really think and achieve from... there are so many things to learn... so many things to absorb and many other things to learn to comprehend.

I throughly enjoyed my day in the limelight and exercise in public speaking. It was fun and exhilarating. I recieved many nice compliments and i will treasure them always :)

Perhaps, working in an environment where I can use that talent would be great. Do you see me as a public speaker? motivator? or teaching public speaking?

On second thoughts, I should really LEARN how to do it better before TEACHING others of ONLY what i think is best! :P heheheheh... even if experience is a poweful tool, knowledge is very useful ;)

on the fence...

I got a text message from a friend this morning to read one of the local news paper, page four. I was scanning the page when i saw a tiny portion that was suppose to attract my attention. I seldom read the local newspaper, for so many obvious reasons, but when one asks me to read, i do, or when the paper is available in the clinic for free, i read in between patients.

Anyways, whom ever wrote that comment, is probably one of us, and is greatly unhappy as i can feel the unhappiness and is precise about his/her opinion on the matter. He/She also sounded very knowledgeable.

I am actually on the fence on the issue. What issue some of you may ask... Well, the comment was about medical and allied health professionals becoming administrators without proper training, and losing expertise and hence reducing good and efficient quality service to the people.

I agree that some professionals, though, they took a different field, can excel in another. Though, not everyone can do it. Obvious examples are clearly available within my ministry, but i shan't point fingerssss.

Another ministry that takes similar stand is the Ministry of Education, where they pick and pull the best of their teachers into administration to help run the ministry smoothly. After all, who knows the field better than the professionals living and breathing it???

Sometimes, i think, by doing and staying in one particular job can be a bit boring and perhaps stagnant and less challenging for the brain. not that i am saying that there is not much challenge in medicine, but with limited knowledge, you can only use and apply so much, and in the end, you become boring, things become routine and the brain dies secondary to lack of challenges and stimulation!

Plus, I do not see what is wrong with a medical or health professional to become an administration. A few of us can probably do a better job than the existing team, as we understand the jargon better, and would not be 'stupidify' or politely known as 'charmed' by others into believing 'medical miracles'.

I would, however, recommend rotation of posts so one whom had achieved 'greatness' do not forget it is short lived, and will do their best within their position for that period of time, as they would come back down and join the others. What is sad with most of us is that, we tend to lose ourselves, and think we are above it all. And you forget how it was once difficult for you, too, and that someone helped you... and you needed support, too.

My attitude to this subject is simple. Regardless of the person's background, if he/she is capable to show others that they can lead, they can help improve the situation, they can inject positivism and increase morale amongst the grass root level.... I say....'What are you waiting for?"

I also understand by accepting a post within the administration means less 'professionals' looking after the people of Brunei, but WHEN DO WE GET OUR CHANCE TO BE LOOKED AFTER???

Working morale is sooooo low. There is no longer positivism in work. People lost their passion for things they once loved.

To give the best you can, is to receive the best you can. Its a relationship after all, and relationships are two way streets.